


round each other up

by sneakiest



Series: so hot you're hurting my feelings [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No COVID-19, Anal Sex, Anal toys, Apologies, Blowjobs, Christmas, Coming Out, Conflict, Dating, Dick Pics, Dirty Talk, Drinking, Drunken Kissing, Facials, Family Dynamics, Flirting, Food, Found Family, Fractured Friendship, Grinding, Homophobic microaggressions, Internalized Homophobia, Jaehyun is fully rich and an MBA bro, Jaehyun/OFC, Kissing, M/M, Moodiness, Oral Sex, Previous Toxic Relationship, Prostate Stimulation, Relationship Negotiation, Repression, Self-Esteem Issues, Tension, Thanksgiving, Vaping, Yuta remains bitey, a little JaeTen, mention of orgasm denial, praise kink??, prior YuTen, safe sex, set in summer 2021, sibling dynamics, some gagging, stuff related to dieting, the color system, vaguely kinky but honestly very soft sex, viewing porn, voyeurism kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:33:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 111,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26708290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sneakiest/pseuds/sneakiest
Summary: Jaehyun moved to Chicago to figure out his identity beyond a son of privilege, and he moved in with Johnny and Ten to prove he wasn't like the rest of his shallow MBA cohorts. It's been years, though, and he's still not sure who he is.--Or: Jaehyun is no way prepared for Nakamoto Yuta.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta, pre-Hyuckil, side JohnMark - Relationship
Series: so hot you're hurting my feelings [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1724089
Comments: 1023
Kudos: 1272





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from _So Tied Up_ by Cold War Kids.
> 
> I fully can't believe this is finally here! I knew I was going to write a Jaehyun spinoff around the midpoint of "all the things it could do to me" (and if you're new here, Jaehyun is very much a side character in that fic, so you probably don't need to go back and read [the previous fics in the series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1724089), though it would certainly help for the world-building and context!), but it always felt a million miles away. Finally, we're here, and I'm ready to put Jaehyun (and all y'all readers!!!) through A Journey. 
> 
> To expound upon some of the tags, there's prominent JohnMark as a side pairing; they feature pretty heavily in Jaehyun's life, and this fic is more or less a continuation of their story too, just not with Mark in the driver's seat. If you liked Johnny and Mark's story, you'll see its development here! There's also the continuation of Donghyuck and Taeil's whole… thing, though that's far more limited than the JohnMark.
> 
> Re: the tag about Jaehyun's rigid diet, his whole thing is being an image-conscious fitness bro, and I wanted to hammer home how regimented his life is in this chapter, but it's nothing extreme. I will also probably pull back from dwelling on that in later chapters, in case that's something uncomfortable for readers.
> 
> Huge shoutout to Tay for the beta (and the enthusiasm; she was basically the first person to know about this fic idea and was super encouraging), and a thank you to the usual cast and crew who were so enthusiastic and patient with me as I plotted this and delved into it: Mon, snarla, Macie, and the Discord server I haunt. <3 
> 
> Also, as a note, this is set in late summer/early fall 2021 (so, at the time of writing this, in The Future), and following the precedent set in the earlier fics, there's no COVID-19 in this 'verse.

Jaehyun comes home after his workout to find the house in shambles. Every chair they own has been brought downstairs, and two card tables yet to be unfolded are leaning against the wall in the living room. There's even a beanbag chair he's never seen before on the other side of the entertainment center. Bemused, he peeks into the kitchen and sees Johnny and Mark divvying up snacks and drinks at the island, solo cups stacked so high they nearly obscure Mark's face.

That's right. The get-together (or gay-together, as Ten keeps calling it) for the LGBT club and broader friend group, since a bunch of them have already graduated and have no reason to drive all the way to campus just to hang out, is tonight. Jaehyun forgot to put it on his calendar.

"Hey, I'll stay out of the way tonight, I just need to make dinner first," he says. "I'll be chilling in my room after if you need me."

"No, dude, you should hang," Mark says, frowning at a veggie tray lid that refuses to stay in place. He bends to pick up a paper towel that slipped off the island and tosses it into the trash, and the angle shows off the dark roots in his mess of bleached hair. "It's casual, and you know most everyone. Hyuck'll be here," he adds.

Every time Mark's friend Donghyuck comes over, he and Jaehyun park themselves in a corner and speak exclusively in Korean. It's refreshing, especially since Donghyuck talks a mile a minute and makes puns like Jaehyun's never heard before. Still, the gay-together isn't for him.

"I'm sore from the gym anyway, I'll probably just watch TV and pass out."

Johnny scoffs. "Good luck with that, buddy."

He has a point. The last time Ten had friends over, Jaehyun was up until three a.m. when they finally left. It's not as if he doesn't pull all-nighters himself on occasion, so it was no problem, and Ten is otherwise a great roommate, but there's no way tonight will be any less loud. He should have made plans to be out.

 _Well, too late now_ , he thinks, coming further into the kitchen to refill his hydroflask from the pitcher in the fridge.

"I don't wanna intrude," Jaehyun says. "You don't need some straight guy eating all your Doritos."

"Nah, you're like our mascot," Johnny says. He pops open one of the bags of Doritos and grabs a handful, and Mark swats him. "Our little token het."

Jaehyun laughs and gulps down cold, crisp water. He's always parched after a session in the infrared sauna, no matter how much water he drinks before or during. His trainer says it's normal, just the way his body is, but he's worried he's perpetually dehydrated.

"I've never seen you eat a Dorito," Mark says thoughtfully. " _Have_ you eaten a Dorito?"

"There's a lot you haven't seen me do, Mark." Jaehyun grins at Mark over the spout of his flask. "I'm more of a Nongshim guy, honestly."

"I'll get some at H-Mart next time I'm there," Johnny says.

"Really, don't worry about it. I'm trying to cut back on snacks anyway."

"Promise me you'll eat Doritos for my, like, personal entertainment tonight, Jae," Mark says, a smile tugging the corners of his mouth. "Oh, we got that beer you like too." When Jaehyun still doesn't look convinced, he turns on his pleading eyes. "Please? Come hang and eat junk and drink beer with us? At least for a little bit?"

He's watching his macros like a hawk on the professional advice of his dietician and his trainer, and tomorrow he's supposed to get coffee with some of the guys from his program. He'll show up puffy and tired if he does as Mark asks. But Mark's always so happy when Jaehyun joins the group. What's one night? It's not like he has to go anywhere; the party is in his home.

"You make a compelling argument," Jaehyun says. He grimaces, playing up his deliberation to watch Mark's puppy eyes intensify. "Ah, all right. Just for a while."

Johnny and Mark high-five, and Mark bounces on the balls of his feet, cheering.

"What's all this ruckus?" Ten asks, and in the next moment Jaehyun feels the gentle press of his hand at the middle of Jaehyun's back, letting him know he's moving past to the fridge. It's a tight squeeze with all four of them in the kitchen, and Jaehyun's used to how tactile Ten is, but sometimes he still startles when he isn't expecting it.

"Jaehyun's down to party with us," Johnny says.

Ten, with his glasses and newly close-cropped hair bleached and then dyed grey, smiles, and it softens the severity of his look. "You gonna dance with me, roomie?"

"Depends on how many beers I have," Jaehyun jokes.

Ten's been trying to get him to dance since the day he moved in, like it's going to give him insight into Jaehyun's soul. Jaehyun _can_ dance, in the sense that he can vibe to the rhythm at a club and lead a passable waltz, but he doesn't think Ten will let him get away with a box step. The idea of Ten's eyes on him, cataloging all of his flaws and inexperience, is too unsettling to be overcome by almost any amount of the cheap beer Mark's convinced Jaehyun likes because he made the mistake of politely complimenting it when Mark gave him one.

It's entertaining to watch Ten, though, who sometimes does a shimmy while he's blending his morning smoothie or stretches his leg up to above his head when he's bored and scrolling on his phone. Just another of the quirks Jaehyun's used to after a year of living with Johnny and Ten. It's certainly an improvement over living in another soulless hotel, or especially the chilly distance before his ex-girlfriend Lela broke up with him and broke the lease on their apartment in the same moment—and was the reason he ended up staying in hotels in the first place.

He couldn't come home every day to that hollow stillness, the bed they shared, to the ultra-modern furnishings the interior designer she hired picked out, to the maddening traces of her perfume on his things. So even if it's been an adjustment to live with two men he doesn't have a lot in common with, in an old house with random drafts, spotty water pressure, and no cleaning service (at least until he hired someone to come in weekly himself), overall, Jaehyun wouldn't trade it.

Over a year, he's gained two new friends—more, if you count how a few of Johnny and Ten's crew seem to have accepted him into the mix—and the ability to let disruptions to his routine, like this party, pass over him. It's more than he even hoped for when he started looking for roommates; Jaehyun could have gotten another apartment on his own, but after the lonely blandness of hotels, he wanted actual people, and not the sort of people he and Lela ran with.

He thought of it as starting over, remaking himself so he wouldn't be the distant, image-obsessed person his ex claimed he was. Jung Jaehyun left his bubble and does his own laundry now; Jung Jaehyun is expanding his horizons and traded in his two luxury cars for a sensible Audi; Jung Jaehyun is going to drink shitty beer at a party and maybe dance with some gay people. Lela wouldn't even recognize him.

"You know if it gets too rowdy, you can go upstairs and sleep in my room," Ten says, serious now.

"It's really not a big deal," Jaehyun says. "I'm up for some fun tonight."

Ten gives him a bright smile and squeezes his arm, and on his way out of the kitchen, he tells Jaehyun to change into something less gym-bro-y.

"This party isn't for me, though," Jaehyun says, though Ten is already out of earshot. "I don't need to look good for anyone."

"You need to look good for me." Johnny winks and squeezes the back of Mark's neck as Mark mumbles about them not having enough dip for the chips. "As a representative of this house, you can't be letting us down."

"Okay, okay, I'll change." He'll wear something he can toss if someone spills their spiked punch on him. "But I'm just gonna be sitting on the couch all night. No one's going to notice me." Not with Ten there, holding court, or with Mark getting high energy as Johnny controls the playlist. Especially not because Jaehyun's their disclaimed straight bro, and that means he's hands-off for the flirting and occasional group lounging he's seen the LGBT group do with some drinks in them. He's an interloper, given a guest pass to visit a world he barely understands.

"Yo, I would notice you if you were deep in the jungle and covered in camo." Mark holds out the bag of Doritos Johnny's been eating, and Jaehyun smiles and shakes his head. "You're kind of a noticeable person, Mr. Chaebol Heir."

"Oh my God," Jaehyun laughs. Mark's been delighting in calling him a chaebol heir for months now, since Jaehyun was mentioned in _Chicago Booth_. "For the millionth time, my family just owns a couple shopping malls. People are gonna get ideas if you keep calling me that in public."

"How else am I supposed to spread the legend of Jaehung Jung? You fucking saved my life, bro. For real. You deserve a little hype."

Jaehyun knew someone who knew someone when Mark was desperately looking for a job in Chicago while stuck in Canada after his graduation, dealing with the immigration process. It's a position at a radio station, doing something Jaehyun doesn't understand but thinks is essentially audio engineering. The station manager could have easily decided Mark wasn't a good bet despite Jaehyun's whisper of a recommendation. But Mark charmed him, as he's usually able to do despite being the worst public speaker Jaehyun's ever met, and now he's back in America, busking on weekends and living in an apartment with two of his friends from college.

"You did it yourself, Markie," Jaehyun says, and cuts off Mark's next wide-eye protest. He doesn't tally favors among friends. "I'm gonna shower again, I still feel kinda sticky."

"People start getting here at sevenish," Johnny says, "but we'll probably pop off around nine or ten."

"Noted."

He salutes them with his hydroflask and wanders over to the bathroom on the ground floor, which is basically only for him except when they have guests. On the way, he checks his messages, which he hasn't done since leaving the fitness center, and sees his sister texted him.

It's seven in the morning for her in Seoul; she's likely already hard at work, since she wakes at five-thirty. The first message is a selca of her looking grumpy but immaculate at her desk in her corner office high in the sky with windows overlooking Gangnam. Her sleek bob is growing out into something softer and wavy, the ends curling to frame her chin. They have the same nose (their dad's), and the same pale skin (their mom's), and the same pleasant poker face (a Jung family speciality). Seeing her washes him with fondness and the smallest twinge of homesickness.

 **So-hyun:** I have nine meetings today. Nine. Fly home and put me out of my misery.  
**Jaehyun: 😞** Dad's still in Daegu?  
**So-hyun:** For another week  
**Jaehyun:** You're the boss, boss. Send someone else and take the day off  
**So-hyun:** Spoken like the lazy bastard you are hhh  
**Jaehyun:** Sorry, too busy to talk to my diligent sister, I'm getting ready for the rager my roommates are throwing  
**So-hyun:** 😩😩😩  
**Jaehyun: 😘** I do have to shower though. Talk later? Between your nine meetings?  
**So-hyun:** Yes  
**So-hyun:** Video call me soon so I have a reason to live  
**So-hyun:** But I only want to speak to Ten, I don't need to see your ugly face

Jaehyun sends her a rude sticker and starts the shower, smiling. So-hyun was eight when Jaehyun was born, Jaehyun a surprise after their mother was told she wouldn't be able to have more children. Supposedly, for the first three years of his life, So-hyun hated him, used to refuse to spend time in a room with him and once tried to lock him out of the house. It got to the point where their parents employed separate nannies. But somewhere along the way, he became her shadow and sidekick. When she left for college in England, he locked himself in his room for a week and only came out when junior-league rugby tryouts started up.

They've never lost their closeness even with distance. Jaehyun calls his parents a few times a month, typically every other Friday, but he texts So-hyun nearly every day. They did have an enormous fight when Jaehyun decided to stay in the States after transferring from Korea University to Chicago to complete his undergrad, but the ice between them has mostly thawed since. One day, he'll return to take up the mantle of being her right-hand man, but that day is far off, and she's accepted it.

The Jungs are no chaebol family, but he's also no heir: So-hyun is the heir, the one primed to lead their family's company. And Jaehyun is fine with that—relieved, even, because it's what his sister is good at and what she wants.

Jaehyun was never as smart, never as personable, never had a head for negotiations, never felt the core of certainty he sees shining out of her. If he stayed in Seoul, he would have remained her shadow. He came to America to find out who he was away from Jung Enterprises, away from So-hyun, away from having everything handed to him.

Somehow, it's been four years since he boarded a plane and had his belongings shipped to Chicago. Four years, and he's not yet sure who Jung Jaehyun is separated from the context of his family. He's not certain whether he's the somewhat Americanized MBA student the professors call Jay, if he's the smiling but impenetrable wall Lela accused him of being, if he's the token straight guy who makes everyone breakfast in the morning, or if he's the spoiled second child waiting for achievements to be presented to him on a silver platter.

Whoever he is, at least here in America, in this unlikely house, Jaehyun's closer to figuring it out.

\---

Jaehyun gets ready after eight, changing into a white tee and some jeans. He handled a bunch of emails after his shower, and his skincare routine. Jaehyun puts on a watch and runs fingers covered with a dime-sized amount of gel through his hair so it's styled but not too intentional. His timing is good: When he comes out of his room, Mark is hugging Donghyuck by the front door. Ten, in a shirt so sheer Jaehyun can see his vine tattoo winding up his spine, is going through Jaehyun's vinyls. He can hear Wendy and Johnny laughing in the kitchen.

"Roomie," Ten says, and not even turning around yet somehow aware Jaehyun is behind him in the living room, "why do you own so much Boyz II Men?"

"Because they're really talented," Jaehyun says, plopping onto the couch and crossing his legs with his ankle on his opposite knee. Donghyuck waves at him over Mark's shoulder, and Jaehyun waves back. "Sorry my collection isn't to your taste."

"I didn't say that." He slips the Frank Ocean album out of the sleeve and carefully puts it on the turntable, fingers nimble. _Nikes_ fills the space, unobtrusive and pleasant underneath the chatter. When Ten turns around, Jaehyun sees his eyes are lined in black and his skin looks impeccable. "It's eclectic."

"That usually isn't a compliment."

"Please, I'm not that passive-aggressive." He comes closer to the couch to inspect the bowl of candy on the coffee table and plucks a single wrapped piece from it. "You want, like, a glass of wine or something?"

"If you're breaking into Johnny's, sure." Ten's got terrible taste in wine, and he'll drink whatever you put in front of him, but Johnny's taste is not half bad. Wine isn't Jaehyun's first choice, not with the headaches and all the sugar, but his options are that, punch with a syrupy consistency, Mark's terrible beer, or straight shots, and he doesn't need to get blackout drunk tonight.

"On it."

When Ten vacates the room, Donghyuck comes over. He's a sweet kid underneath all of his posturing, and Jaehyun's always happy to chat about home and let his first language run around somewhere that isn't the inside of his head or in his conversations with So-hyun.

"Haven't seen you in a while," Donghyuck says, rustling through the candy bowl. He's wearing makeup too, less than Ten but still noticeable, mouth unnaturally glossy. Jaehyun wears BB cream or tinted sunscreen on bad skin days, but he's never decorative about it. It suits Donghyuck the same as it suits Ten, though; Jaehyun would just look like a clown. "What was it, the dinner for Mark's birthday?"

"Yeah, sounds right. How have you been? Still dazzling Chicago's nightlife scene?"

Donghyuck launches into a fast-paced and dramatic retelling of how the restaurant where he works as a server is trying to sabotage his budding music career by overscheduling him, and then how Mark tried to learn how to skateboard. Donghyuck has footage of Mark trying to do a kickflip and the board shooting out from under him like a rocket. After Jaehyun's done watching the footage and laughing only a little guiltily at Mark's "whoa, yowza!" upon skidding back three feet on his ass and scrunching his face like a cartoon character, Donghyuck fills him in on his continued feud with the assistant music instructor he claims is playing mind games with him.

Jaehyun doesn't remember the whole story, as it stretches back a year into a time when he didn't even know Donghyuck by name. It started with Donghyuck not realizing the new Korean guy he met on campus wasn't a student and befriending him, and it ended with a harsh critique of Donghyuck's "poor grasp of sight reading." Now, you'd think they were bitter enemies straight out of some drama. Never mind that Donghyuck graduated this summer and doesn't have to see him again if he doesn't want to.

Mark wanders over sipping a beer. "Yo, are you _still_ on your thing about Taeil? I thought you said you were, like, turning over a new leaf after grad."

"That was before I found out he's joining my choir. Who lets faculty in an amateur choir? It's weird."

"Hyuck. There's like six other faculty in the choir. There always have been. Remember when you joined and we made fun of that bio teacher's hair?"

"The choir is my space, Mark, and _Professor Moon_ knows it." Donghyuck looks rigidly angry at just the idea of this Taeil person, eyes tight and mouth a firm line. Jaehyun doesn't think he's ever seen him actually angry before, instead of rolling his eyes for effect. "I'm serious, it's deliberate. He must have found out I'm in it and joined to torment me some more."

"Or he likes to sing and joined the best choir in the city. You're so dramatic," Mark says, smiling down at Donghyuck fondly. "We're setting up Spyfall in the dining room, by the by."

"No Mafia this time?" Donghyuck sounds disappointed; apparently, he's legendary at it.

"I think Wendy brought Werewolf," Mark says, shrugging.

The doorbell chimes, and when Mark opens the door, there's a group of people Jaehyun mostly doesn't recognize. They all spill in at once, a few of them clapping Mark on the shoulder or pinching his cheek, and that's around when Johnny pumps one of his party playlists through the soundbar Jaehyun brought into the house. EDM drowns out Frank Ocean, and the bulk of the conversation, so everyone gets louder to compensate. Including Donghyuck, who has abandoned his complaints about Professor Moon to half-yell about his holiday plans to go home to Jeju.

It's still just Donghyuck and Jaehyun on the couch, and Jaehyun would move, but it's comfortable and out of the thick of things here. There's also plenty more places to sit, including the dining room where they've got board games set up, and it's his house even if it's not his party. Technically, even the couch is his: the three of them were planning to purchase a new one together after Ten got too drunk and did a somersault onto their old one and broke the frame, but the style Jaehyun liked was out of their price range, so he ordered it on his own.

"Everyone," Ten says, once people have found chairs and gotten beers and visited the kitchen island to fill up on snacks, carrying bowls of chips and store-bought brownies and, inexplicably, chicken tenders someone brought. "This is Jaehyun, our token het bro. Feel free to look, but don't touch, all right?"

"Hi, guys—I mean, everyone," Jaehyun says with a little wave. "Let me know if you need anything. I know where all the bathrooms are, and I have a bunch of food delivery apps on my phone if you get tired of chicken."

"Aww, that's so nice, thanks," someone says.

"Yeah, he's a good boy," Ten says. "We keep him around for more than the eye candy."

Jaehyun feels his ears burn but just smiles. Everyone loses interest in him fairly quickly, but when Jaehyun turns to Donghyuck again, he gets a little dizzy. He hasn't eaten since his shake after the workout, and the wine is hitting him harder than it should.

"Do you want snacks?" Jaehyun asks. "I need to grab something anyway."

"I'm fine, thanks." Donghyuck pops up from the couch and stretches, his shirt riding up. "I should make sure Mark isn't embarrassing himself," he says in English. "You should come play with us later."

"Maybe," Jaehyun agrees. "If there's room." He's not going to take a seat from the table of people who are actually here for a sense of community, or whatever.

He takes the opportunity of Donghyuck leaving to switch off the turntable and put the vinyl back in its sleeve. The doorbell rings again behind him, and he passes Johnny going to answer it. In the kitchen, there's two people at the island, and one of them is Wendy, who squawks happily when she sees him and tries to juggle her beer and bowl of snacks to give him a hug. The kiss she presses to his cheek leaves behind red lipstick.

"Oh no," she laughs, and sets her bowl down on the island to rub his cheek. "I think you may need to wash your face."

"No big," he says, and they catch up for a while, since they haven't seen each other since before summer.

Wendy was among the first friends he made on campus during his undergrad, literally running into her one day and splashing his coffee all over himself. She walked him to the bathroom and waited outside, yelling about how she was going to pay for his dry cleaning as he tried to tell her not to worry about it.

He also tried to ask her out, and she laughed loudly and showed him her phone wallpaper of her and her girlfriend, and the ice was broken—the ice of their friendship, and also the ice of Jaehyun adjusting to the reality of people casually coming out to him. He knew a few LGBT people in Seoul, or at least suspected he did, but no one was out. Wendy jokes that she broke him in and that's why he's not constantly experiencing culture shock or tripping over pronouns. Even though she's long since graduated and lives out in Oak Park, they try to keep up.

Wendy gets called into the dining room for Spyfall, and Jaehyun wets a paper towel at the sink and scrubs his cheek with it, trying to peer at his distorted reflection in the clock on the wall.

"Hey, do you know if there's something more substantial than, uh, fried chicken?" someone asks from behind him, voice softly accented.

Jaehyun spins and sees a guy leaning against the island, oversized black shirt pulling at the neck and exposing quite a bit of his shoulder. Jaehyun doesn't recognize him, which isn't remarkable, but the Rolex glinting on his skinny wrist is.

"Unfortunately, no."

The guy grimaces at the selection of popcorn, chips, chicken tenders, and brownies in front of him. "I knew I should have eaten first."

"If you want something, Yuyu, you gotta bring it," Johnny says, passing through the kitchen to grab a bottle of rum and a two-liter of Coke. "Someone once spilled chili all over the fucking rug, and since then, we stick with snacks." He furrows his brow, hovering in the threshold, and seems to make his mind up. "Feel free to raid the fridge, though. My stuff's on the second shelf."

"I'm not eating your leftovers, thank you," the so-called Yuyu says to Johnny's retreating back, and gives Jaehyun a giant conspiratorial smile. It changes his entire countenance, a cheerfulness offsetting his all-black clothes and the shaggy hair that desperately needs to be redyed. His many ear piercings glint in the harsh kitchen light. "Do you want to go in on a pizza with me or something?"

The salmon salad Jaehyun prepared earlier in the week is calling his name, but social graces implore him to not leave this guy hanging. "Not a big pizza fan," he hedges. "I can order food, though?"

"Sure." He comes around the island as Jaehyun pulls out his phone, and he gives Jaehyun a milder, nose-scrunched smile. "You've got lipstick—"

"Oh man," he groans. "I don't think it's coming off."

"Not without soap," Yuyu agrees. He's standing very close, and he leans in even closer when Jaehyun gets UberEats open. Jaehyun can smell his cologne—or rather, perfume. It's Chanel No. 5, an unmistakable sense-memory of Jaehyun's mother. "Hmm, do you have anything you prefer? I will eat anything, if it's not spicy."

"A real meal would be good." The app is loaded with things Jaehyun tries to avoid except on cheat days. "There's a good Indian place that's close, and a Japanese place."

"I've learned not to eat Japanese food in America," Yuyu says in a laughing tone.

"You from Japan?" Jaehyun asks, and tilts the phone in Yuyu's direction so he can see the options.

Yuyu hums, leans closer, his faded pink hair nearly tickling Jaehyun's chin, and scrolls through the list of restaurants with his thumb. In addition to the Rolex, he's wearing a bunch of rings, including a Juste un Clou Jaehyun bought for So-hyun's birthday, only his is in silver.

"What gave it away?" Yuyu asks, peering at Jaehyun mischievously from the corner of his eye. "Let's do Thai," he announces, and leans back with his hand outstretched. "I'm Yuta."

Not Yuyu, then. Jaehyun takes his hand and is surprised by how firm Yuta's grip is. "I'm Jaehyun. Do you just want pad thai?"

"Surprise me," Yuta says, pushing off from the counter with a burst of energy. "I have to piss," he announces, and as he walks away, Jaehyun can see his jeans are ripped nearly to the point of obscenity. "Remember, not spicy!"

Bemused, Jaehyun looks at the empty space next to him where Yuta stood, then the phone in his hand.

"Okay," he says slowly to the now-empty kitchen, smiling a little, and shakes his head.

\---

Jaehyun hangs out in the living room by himself waiting for the food—after a trip to his bathroom to cleanse his face and remoisturize—but Yuta's joined the game in the dining room. He waggled his fingers at Jaehyun on his way past and told him to come get him when the food's here, so Jaehyun is content to check his email and bother So-hyun while she suffers through her meetings.

Finally, thirty minutes later, the doorbell rings, and Jaehyun takes the steaming bags of food from a tired-looking delivery driver. In the kitchen, he makes himself a bowl from the takeout container but isn't sure what to do with Yuta's. He ends up just grabbing some napkins and bringing it all into the noisy dining room, where Johnny and Donghyuck are arguing about something.

Yuta is seated next to Mark, who wears an expression of pinched suffering listening to Donghyuck and Johnny bicker. Yuta's arm is propped on Mark's shoulder, and he whispers something in Mark's ear that softens his expression and makes him visibly stifle a laugh.

When Yuta sees Jaehyun, he gets up. Jaehyun gestures at him to stay seated, but Yuta shakes his head and comes toward him.

"I have no idea how to play that shit," he says, grabbing Jaehyun's arm and dragging him out of the room. "And I'm starving."

"It's supposed to be fun," Jaehyun protests.

Yuta's brought them into the kitchen and taken the container from him, and Jaehyun watches him break the wooden chopsticks to separate them.

"Does that sound like fun to you?" Yuta snorts. He starts digging in where he stands, shoveling noodles into his mouth, and Jaehyun picks up his own bowl to join him.

"I think Donghyuck just likes to give Johnny a hard time."

"Probably. Ah, it's for the best I don't know how to play that game," Yuta says, blowing over another bite of noodles before jamming it into his mouth. "I'm ridiculously competitive," he garbles, though he covers his mouth while he chews and speaks.

"I am too."

They eat in relative peace, broken occasionally by Donghyuck and Johnny getting drunker and louder as they make their points, until Jaehyun hears Mark shout, "Okaaaaaay, we're done with Spyfall, I think." Then, at a more normal volume, "How does everyone feel about Jackbox?"

"Mark is so smart," Yuta says, grinning, and Jaehyun doesn't think it's sarcastic. Mark's so earnest, and somewhat gullible; Jaehyun's got what he assumes is an older-brother sort of protectiveness for him, but if Yuta likes Mark, that means Jaehyun is more apt to like Yuta.

So far, he's not sure what to make of him. He's too familiar, but kind of funny, and the accessories are telling Jaehyun a story of their own. He never expected to clock a Rolex in this house that wasn't his, that's for sure.

"Mark's a good kid," Jaehyun agrees. "He's the reason I moved in here, actually."

"Oh, you are the third roommate?" Yuta asks. "Sorry I'm keeping you from your own party, then," he says, and gives Jaehyun a sheepish look.

"No, no, it's fine—"

People start spilling out of the dining room, looking relieved to be let loose, and Mark finds Yuta in the kitchen and makes a beeline to him, slumping at his side. Yuta hooks an arm around his waist, and Mark curves into it, sighing.

"Tired, baby?" Yuta asks, and if Jaehyun's forehead furrows and he wonders how on earth Johnny can tolerate other men cuddling his boyfriend and calling them baby, well, he keeps that to himself.

"Long week, and I think Hyuckie just gave me a migraine with all that yelling."

Jaehyun silently fetches the Tylenol from the cabinet, forking up another bite of spiced veggies and brown rice and chewing as he heads to the fridge for a water bottle. Mark takes them with a distracted thanks.

"We'll play some Jackbox and everyone will have a good time," Yuta says, swaying Mark against his side. "Promise."

"Okay, I believe you."

"I've never played Jackbox," Jaehyun says. "Is it fun?"

"It's mad fun, and Donghyuck can't accuse Johnny of cheating at it."

"It's an electronic game," Yuta says, looking at Jaehyun even as he plays with Mark's ear. Seriously, Jaehyun does not get this dynamic, but Mark looks happy enough. He's never seen Mark so physically at ease with someone who isn't Johnny. He got the impression Mark doesn't like to be touched _unless_ it's Johnny, but apparently that was incorrect. "You play on your phone."

"You should join us," Johnny says, popping into the kitchen all of a sudden. Jaehyun tenses in case something might happen when he sees how Mark and Yuta are wrapped around each other. But the only thing that happens is that he walks closer and asks, "Baby, you feeling okay?"

He hugs _both_ Yuta and Mark, one with each arm, and Jaehyun gives up trying to make sense of this and takes his bowl into the living room to see if he can claim a spot on the couch.

Donghyuck is already there, visibly sulking and drunk. Ten's in the beanbag chair, Wendy half on his lap, and there's a game pulled up on the PlayStation.

"You playing with us, bro?" Ten asks.

"Sure," Jaehyun says, sitting next to Donghyuck and putting his bowl on his lap. "Yuta said I just need my phone?"

Yuta trails after Johnny and Mark and settles himself on the ground near the couch, closest to Jaehyun, and cranes to look behind himself and up at him. Without prompting, he patiently explains how to get into the room, and he gives Jaehyun a smiling thumbs-up when he manages it.

Mark and Johnny are on the floor, too, Mark between Johnny's legs and propped up against his chest. Everyone else is in the chairs Ten fetched from other areas of the house.

It's a far cry from the ragers he's attended on campus, especially at Sig Chi or Alpha Delt, and even more far removed from the penthouse parties he's gone to with some of the guys from his program. MBAs always party too hard. But this is nice; Jaehyun can hear himself think, and no one is daring him to do keg stands or jump into a pool from a nearby roof.

Jaehyun's unfamiliarity with the game isn't helped by how many of the answers are inside jokes or cultural references he's just not going to get. Yuta seems to be in the same boat, although he keeps laughing from his position near Jaehyun's feet.

Yuta's wickedly funny, though that could be because he's one of the few people still in complete possession of his faculties. He laughs at Jaehyun's dumb puns when they're still anonymous, and, when he finds out Jaehyun's the one who made them, turns around and gives Jaehyun another one of his wide grins.

Jaehyun thinks he's getting the hang of things when he answers a prompt for a good name for a reality show with "Little Spouse on the Prairie" and collects all the votes for that round. A surge of competitiveness runs up his spine now that he's in contention for real and could actually win, and he puts a lot more effort into answering the next round of questions.

Soon, he's second in points behind Donghyuck, who has stopped being a mostly silent storm cloud to Jaehyun's right on the couch. Jaehyun's waiting for his last answer to pop up to see if he has a chance of overtaking him.

Finally, his question shows up: _A creature you should never find on a carousel._

Jaehyun's answer appears, not his best but deliberately pandering to the copious dick jokes everyone's been making: _DICKTOPUS._

The answer he's pitted against, to his utter bafflement and surprise, is _THE DICKTOPUS._

The entire room erupts in laughter and disbelief, and Jaehyun keeps his surprise to himself. He cuts a sidelong glance to Donghyuck, in case he somehow saw Jaehyun's phone screen and decided to, what, sabotage the voting by copying him, but Donghyuck seems just as delighted as everyone else.

Ultimately, the vote is split. Jaehyun's still in second place.

It's revealed that the person who wrote THE DICKTOPUS isn't Donghyuck; it's Yuta, who turns around to peer up at Jaehyun with narrowed eyes.

"You could see my screen, couldn't you?" he demands, but he's laughing, smile irrepressibly wide. "Poor sportsmanship, Jaehyun."

"I swear that came from the depths of my mind," Jaehyun says, resting his phone on his thigh to raise both hands in surrender. "We're just on the same horrible wavelength."

"Hmmm." Yuta considers this, then shakes his head. "No, I think you are a dirty cheat, and I will keep an eye on you." He rises from the floor and perches on the couch arm next to Jaehyun, dramatically angling his phone away from him.  
  
"Suit yourself," Jaehyun says, giving Yuta a shrug and a mild smile. He's sure Yuta's joking, but a niggling voice in the back of his head is irritated by being called a cheat even if it's a dumb party game. "Did you like the noodles, by the way?"

"Delicious," Yuta says enthusiastically. "Good choice."

"Good, I'm glad."

Donghyuck wins the final round, and all traces of his earlier bad mood are gone. He takes a victory lap of the room, and Johnny high-fives him. Jaehyun shakes his head. He's never going to snap all the puzzle pieces of that situation together into an image that makes sense.

"Hey," Yuta says, and wriggles his hand into the pocket of his very tight ripped jeans to fish out a Juul. "Do you know where I can…?"

Since the game's over, and Ten is making noise about putting music on again, Jaehyun abandons the couch and stands up. "Sure, follow me."

The door to the backyard they don't use enough tends to stick, so Jaehyun has to use force, and Yuta whistles low when he manages to get it open by shouldering it. Jaehyun flips on the light and decides to step outside too for some fresh air. It's still muggy and too warm at this late hour, but he's nearly used to Chicago summers now, and this one is starting to wind down already.

When he closes the door, the song Ten's put on is muffled, and there's primarily street noise and the slightest breeze rustling through the trees. It's welcome after the noise of so many people in a closed space. Jaehyun slings his hands in his pockets and looks at the sad state of their firepit and lawn. They may need a better landscaper.

Yuta takes a long pull and exhales into the air. "You want to hit this?" he asks. "It's got THC."

He doesn't make a habit of smoking or vaping much of anything, but he's got nothing else to do out here. "Sure," he says, and tries to remember how it works. Turns out it's easy, and he holds back on a cough as he passes it back to Yuta, who takes another pull.

Unfortunately, the harder he tries not to cough, the worse it gets: Jaehyun ends up spluttering out the rest of the vapor, and Yuta laughs at him like a mischievous crow, which ends up making Jaehyun laugh too.

"Oh no," Yuta says mournfully, which makes Jaehyun look up at him, startled, smile frozen in place. "The dimples are too much. Who let you have them?"

All it once, it hits him. Yuta's flirting with him. Has been flirting with him. And while it's not the first time Jaehyun's been admired by a gay guy—probably fifty percent of Ten's interactions with him can be counted as flirting, as that's just how Ten operates—Yuta did arrive _after_ Ten's disclaimer about Jaehyun's status as an outsider. He's flirting for real because he thinks Jaehyun could conceivably flirt back.

Has it seemed like Jaehyun's flirting back?

He puts the brakes on this line of thought before it can run away from him. It doesn't matter if Yuta hits on him; it's not going anywhere. If anything, it's flattering. Yuta's a good-looking guy, and none of Ten and Johnny's friends are slouches in that department; he could have tried it with any of them but chose Jaehyun.

If he opens his mouth and says, "Sorry, I'm straight," he's going to embarrass Yuta and kill the vibe. It's a lot easier to brush it off and move on.

"My dad's genetics, I think." Great, now he has no idea how to fucking act normally. He's paranoid that came off flirty and reminds himself to be cool and stop overthinking it. "So, how do you know Johnny and Mark?"

"Ten," he says, "but the LGBT group also. I was looking to make friends."

"Seems like you found them."

Yuta grins, nodding. "They adopted me. Like a little baby bird."

"What's your—"

"Seriously," Mark's voice says suddenly, making Jaehyun turn around to locate the source, as there's no one else out here. He realizes the kitchen window must be cracked. "You've been weird all night."

"You're weird," Donghyuck says, but then he switches gears. "I told you I'm fine."

"You haven't talked to anyone but Jaehyun, and then that whole thing with Johnny—"

"Your boyfriend was cheating, I don't know what else to tell you—"

"It's just a _game_ , Hyuck, I don't give a crap about that, you always take everything so seriously." Mark's voice is rising; it will be a miracle if the other people in the house can't hear.

"You don't take me seriously at all, so I guess someone has to."

Yuta pulls Jaehyun's arm and silently leads him down the steps to the firepit, where the conversation doesn't carry well enough to be understood. Jaehyun is very aware of how long it takes Yuta to drop his arm.

"They'll be okay," Jaehyun says, sotto voce.

"It isn't a party if no one gets into a stupid argument," Yuta agrees under his breath. He takes one final pull on his Juul and tucks it back into his pocket. "We will wait them out. It can't take that long."

"Someone'll come looking for us eventually," Jaehyun agrees.

\---

It takes fifteen minutes for Donghyuck and Mark to leave the kitchen, and Jaehyun and Yuta quietly pass the time talking about missing home and when they'll visit next. Yuta's newer to the US than his English suggests, but it turns out he went to an international school like Jaehyun and Ten.

When Jaehyun finds out they're both getting an MBA, the mood switches entirely. "No shit?" He hasn't seen Yuta on campus, but it's not like the university or the program is small, and he would bet Yuta has a different concentration.

"My family has a company—have you heard of Nakamoto?"

Jaehyun has definitely heard of Nakamoto Corp. The idea that he's standing in the middle of his shitty backyard in Chicago talking to a Nakamoto is almost an out-of-body experience. Yuta must recognize his shock; he snickers.

Jaehyun has no idea what the Japanese equivalent of a chaebol heir is, but Yuta is that. He, or at least his family, could buy Jung Enterprises ten times over and not break a sweat. The fact that Yuta is at UChicago means he is _slumming_ it. Jaehyun has approximately one thousand questions.

Who is this kid? Why is he getting an MBA in Chicago and not somewhere with more prestige? Why is he dressed like a Hot Topic manager? How is he able to be even a little open about his sexuality?

"If you're thinking of holding me for ransom, I'm not worth _that_ much."

"I, ah, I don't need—"

That's when Yuta notices Mark and Donghyuck have left the kitchen, and he tugs on Jaehyun's arm to lead him up to the porch. "I'm a mid-level cousin," he says cheerfully. "If you want the real money, you need to go up many branches in the family tree."

Jaehyun forces the door open again. "So you merit a corner office at most," he jokes.

"Do I look like CEO material to you?" Yuta laughs.

Once inside, it's evident Ten's music has gotten much louder. When they get to the living room, Ten is giving Mark some kind of lap dance, and Mark is screaming and covering his face with his hands. Johnny's trying to stuff dollar bills into Ten's pants.

"Yuta!" Ten says, when he notices him, and smoothly dismounts Mark. "Come dance with me!"

"Duty calls," Yuta says, and winks at Jaehyun, who is still processing and smiling blankly at him like a fool.

Yuta skips off to wind an arm around Ten's shoulders, the two of them pressing together like they've done it a thousand times. Jaehyun catches himself staring for a moment, wondering at the easy closeness. Ten and Yuta could have already hooked up, or could hook up tonight, or never go beyond friends. It's not his business.

He goes to the kitchen to find himself a beer.

\---

Throughout the night, he and Yuta keep ending up in each other's orbit. He gets bits and pieces of information from him: he was a football player until a knee injury took him out, and then he switched his focus from athletics to doing something useful to help the family business. He chose Chicago to avoid the notoriety and recognition he would encounter in bigger cities.

"You're the first person who really realized who I am," Yuta says, nursing a beer of his own. He's flushed and sheened with sweat from dancing with Ten, who has moved on to tormenting other party guests. "Usually people have to Google me."

"My family is in business," Jaehyun explains. "So I keep up. You wouldn't have heard of us, though."

"Mmm, too bad," Yuta says. "They should make you the figurehead. Very good face for magazines."

Jaehyun's ears burn. His pulse spikes every time Yuta makes one of those little comments, like Jaehyun's never been complimented before. It's the secret, he thinks; the expectation on Yuta's end that this could go somewhere. But the more they bump into each other, the more they talk, the less Jaehyun feels confident in correcting him. "Thanks."

"So, are _you_ a future CEO?" Yuta asks.

Jaehyun snorts. "Fuck no." The beer is hitting him. "My sister is. I'm the spare."

Yuta clinks his beer against Jaehyun's. "To being redundant," he says, and Jaehyun drinks to that.

Mark stumbles upon them and yanks Yuta's attention away, and Jaehyun uses that as a reason to find someone else to talk to. He does want to talk to Yuta more; he's never met anyone like Yuta, and he wants to see what else they might have in common, but it feels deceitful to keep it up when Yuta thinks he isn't straight.

Jaehyun isn't the type to shy away from something like this. He gives half a thought to wondering why Yuta's got him so off-balance but gets distracted by Donghyuck and Wendy in the kitchen, picking at the brownies. Wendy, very much not sober, gives him another kiss, but luckily this one doesn't leave any lipstick behind, as it's worn off over the night.

"Hi, honey," she says. "Oh, I'm so glad you decided to move in with Johnny and Ten! You needed better friends."

"I can imagine," Donghyuck says into his cup, eyes teasing Jaehyun.

"He hangs around all the campus Chads," she says to Donghyuck with an exaggerated expression of distaste. "All the business bros. Jaehyunnie is too sensitive for them. I keep telling him."

"Have you had any water?" Jaehyun asks her, already heading for the fridge.

"See what I mean!" Wendy giggles, and when he turns back around, Donghyuck and Wendy are cuddled up close, heads tilted together, twin cherubs. "What a good boy."

Jaehyun, smiling despite himself, silently opens the water and hands it to her.

"It's his pathological need to be liked," Donghyuck says, and Jaehyun sighs internally. Donghyuck's nice, except for when he's not. His tongue is too precise.

"Ouch," Jaehyun says with a forced laugh. "Remind me not to piss you off."

"Oh, you couldn't." Donghyuck slithers out of Wendy's hold and pats Jaehyun on the shoulder. "Also, I may need you to call me an Uber. I see like three of you."

Jaehyun gets out his phone.

\---

As of midnight, a lot of people have left, including Wendy, who he bundled into a cab and saw off. He texted her girlfriend to keep an eye out for her, and gave her another water bottle to take with her. Ten's still trying to dance, but Johnny is hugging people goodbye at the door.

Eventually, it's down to just the roommates with a bonus Mark, who is clearly sleeping over, and Yuta. Yuta picks up a garbage bag and helps tidy up, retrieving solo cups from their odd hiding places. Jaehyun puts all the chips and dips away and starts trying to straighten out the living room.

Ten's energy dims with the diminished crowd, and he waves a goodbye and slips upstairs to pass out. He'll be bright-eyed in the morning, never really hit that hard by hangovers. Johnny is sleepily watching Mark from the couch, fondness painted across his face.

"I can't believe we wrapped up this early," Johnny says. "It's not even one. Does this officially mean I'm old?"

"Yes," Mark and Yuta say in unison.

"Markie, take your geriatic boyfriend upstairs and put him to bed," Yuta says. "Jaehyun and I can get the rest of it."

"Yo, you sure? I don't want to leave you to clean up someone else's mess." Mark cuts Johnny a fake-indignant look. "In someone else's house."

"Please," Johnny says, standing and stretching wide. "You fully live here part-time."

Jaehyun would agree, but he doesn't want Mark thinking it's a problem, how often he's here. Truly, he livens up the mood. Jaehyun likes it better when they're all together.

"Give me that," Yuta demands, yanking on Mark's garbage bag.

On their way upstairs, Johnny kisses Yuta's cheek, and Mark lets Yuta pull him into a big hug and rock him like he's a little kid. Jaehyun finds a solo cup filled with punch behind the TV and goes into the kitchen to dump it, and when he comes back, it's just him and Yuta.

The air feels heavier, or maybe that's Jaehyun's overactive imagination. They work in silence for a while, complaining about people's lack of manners when they find spills no one cleaned up, and eventually the house is as clean as it's going to get without a mop. Jaehyun will put the chairs back where they belong tomorrow.

"Remind me to pay you for the Thai food," Yuta says, hands on his hips as he surveys the room.

"Don't worry about it."

"No, you didn't ask to pay for my dinner," Yuta insists.

"Seriously. I don't care about things like that."

Yuta shrugs. "Okay." Then he smiles, softer, and comes closer, slow but deliberate.

The hair on Jaehyun's arms stands up. He has a sneaking suspicion what's coming. His reticence to reject Yuta is coming back to bite him on the ass.

"I can call a cab," Yuta says consideringly, and turns the full force of his admittedly attractive face on Jaehyun, looking at him under lowered lids, smile tugging at his full mouth. "Or I could not do that?"

"Ah, shit." Jaehyun sits on the couch so hard he hears it creak. He scrubs a hand through his hair and wonders how to do this. "First of all, I'm very flattered—"

"So a cab it is," Yuta interrupts, and Jaehyun looks up at him. He's totally at ease, or at least he's putting on that he is. "No big deal."

"No, I just… Listen, I don't swing that way. I mean, I'm straight," he clarifies, as he realizes Yuta could misunderstand and assume he's on the asexual spectrum like Donghyuck.

Yuta's easygoing expression drops, and he blinks at Jaehyun. "Really?"

"Yeah. I'm… If I weren't, I would take you up on it," he tries, and then winces at how flippant that sounds. "This is not coming out right."

"Jaehyun, don't worry about it. I read it wrong. It happens." There's a slight edge of tension to his voice, to the way he's standing, a hint of awkwardness that lets Jaehyun know exactly how nice Yuta is being about this.

"Considering it was a gay-together, I can't see how you _wouldn't_ read it that way," Jaehyun admits. "I know I should have said something, but by the time I realized what was happening, it was… super awkward."

"I guess so," Yuta says. "Sorry."

"You really don't have to apologize," Jaehyun says with a dark laugh. "This one is on me. But listen, if you want to be friends, I would be down for that. If I haven't made things incredibly weird."

Yuta is silent for a moment, and Jaehyun wonders if he should have kept his mouth shut. But he has a draw to Yuta, all of the embarrassing miscommunication aside; he thinks he's interesting, incongruous, and the chance to hang out with an MBA guy who isn't cut from the same cloth as the rest is extremely appealing.

He challenged himself to find new people, new experiences, and Yuta could easily be a window into that.

On a somewhat selfish level, Jaehyun wants to be around someone where he doesn't have to think about money, about the disparity of money. He's constantly aware of it around his roommates and their friends. Sure, most of the people in his program are wealthy or aspiring to be wealthy too, but Wendy's not wrong: they're all kind of assholes. Yuta isn't.

"Yeah, I would like that," Yuta says eventually, softly. "Give me your phone."

Jaehyun all but slumps with relief that he hasn't fucked this up and made Yuta hate him, and he nearly drops his phone in his haste to hand it over.

"For next time," Yuta says, catching Jaehyun's gaze as he inputs his number, "when a guy mentions your dimples, he is definitely flirting."

Jaehyun huffs a laugh. "I'll keep that in mind."

\---

It was, Jaehyun thinks, a weird night, even if it was overall a good one. Between all the friendship dynamics he can't begin to understand, the fight he overheard, and his whole humiliating mess with leading Yuta on, it's a relief to climb into bed. He gets the light and settles in to sleep, among his very clean sheets and soft bedding, and sets his alarm. That's when he sees Yuta texted him.

 **Yuta:** Good night, my heterosexual new best friend  
**Jaehyun:** You get a week of jokes but I'm cutting you off after that  
**Yuta:** Two weeks and you come to a football match with me, I have tickets  
**Jaehyun:** Oh, twist my arm why don't you?  
**Jaehyun:** Just tell me when  
**Yuta:** 😃

Satisfied, Jaehyun sets his phone down and rolls over, smooshing his comforter between his arms until he's got it the way he likes it. He's halfway asleep, always quick to drop off, and fuzzily thinking of what he'll wear tomorrow and what football teams Yuta might follow, when he hears the unmistakable sound of moaning.

Occasionally, over a year, he's heard evidence of Johnny and Mark fucking: the headboard thumping, the odd vocalization (usually Mark). Jaehyun's routine is to slip in his airpods and ignore it. This is what comes with living with other people, and it's not like they're trying to be heard. And, to Jaehyun's eternal relief, it's not like the sound of them having sex repulses him or makes him feel differently about them.

However, right now, the A/C isn't running, and noise is traveling through the open vents. It sounds like it's being deliberately piped into Jaehyun's bedroom. It's _loud_.

When Mark groans and begs Johnny to fuck him harder, Jaehyun's hands clench into fists, and he feels himself buzzing with low-level arousal. The fact that he hasn't jerked off since the day before is wreaking havoc with his body, which has decided to shake off the weight of sleepiness and perk up.

He's half-hard by the time he locates his airpods, and Johnny's headboard is thumping against the wall. As Jaehyun slips the earbuds in, he finds himself grudgingly admiring Johnny's rhythm, until that's blotted out and he doesn't have to hear Mark's increasingly frantic wails.

Jaehyun's tired and needs to be up early, and he's trying not to think about how he's just associated Mark's sex noises with masturbation, but he picks his phone back up to open PornHub.

It isn't weird, he doesn't think. It's just his body reacting to stimulus.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:** This chapter contains a little bit more of Jaehyun's general fixation on the gym, and some discussion among the roomies about working out to gain stamina, just in case that could be a trigger for someone. 
> 
> Big thanks to snarla for cheerleading me and Tay for beta'ing me like a champ yet again!!!! And thanks to everyone who commented and tweeted; I wasn't sure what kind of reception this fic would have, and I'm floored by how nice everyone has been. <3

Jaehyun's halfway through his Americano when he notices Yuta ordering at the counter past his classmate’s dishwater-blond head. Addison's knee-deep in a story about trying to get a new advisor, and Jaehyun manages to look engaged with what he's saying even as he keeps trying to scope Yuta. They haven't seen each other since the party, and while they've texted on and off over the last week, neither of them has mentioned meeting up—at least not beyond the upcoming football game.

Yuta's dressed like an entirely different person than who he showed up to the gay-together as. He's wearing a tight pair of chinos, somehow unwrinkled, and a salmon polo. If it weren't for the piercings glinting in his ears, Jaehyun might have overlooked him entirely.

Well, his earrings _and_ his faded pink hair. But even that's been styled.

"And I told her, _ma'am, no way am I not graduating with the rest of my class just because I took a sabbatical_. She looked like she sucked a lemon, but we're working on it, at least." Addison shakes his head. The dark cloud of irritation that's been hovering above him for what was supposed to be a project meeting is starting to dissipate, now that he's been able to vent. "Christ, it shouldn't be this hard. So what if I want to take things out of sequence?"

"You should be able to work something out."

"Yeah, and I'll go to the dean if I have to, but it feels a lot like tattling. I wanna handle it myself, if I can."

Jaehyun hums an agreement and sips more of his coffee. Yuta's joking with the barista, who looks utterly charmed as she makes his drink. He doesn't want to interrupt Addison by inviting Yuta over, but he also doesn't want to slight him by pretending like he's unaware of Yuta's presence. Maybe if Yuta notices him and comes over himself. "That's how I try to do things too."

"Man, you just show up and smile and you’ve got it in the bag. I've seen you move."

Jaehyun's gotten away with parking tickets, missed pop quizzes, and ordering off-menu with a smile, so he sees Addison's point. "It doesn't work on Professor McClintock," he says wryly.

"No, fuck, it sure doesn't." They're both in one of his courses, and it's been a hellish uphill battle for basically everyone; the professor's a dinosaur and refuses most online submissions, so Jaehyun's gotten himself a printer to save time, and even his legendary patience has been tested by the sneering dressing-down McClintock gives ideas he doesn't agree with.

Addison's a newer member of Jaehyun's business club, recently returned to the States from a year in Australia. While he knows a few of the guys from before he left and they seem to vouch for him, Jaehyun's still getting his measure. Seems nice enough, if unexpectedly intense.

Jaehyun looks over Addison's shoulder again and spots Yuta looking at him, straw in his mouth. He grins around it when he notices he's got Jaehyun's attention and gives a wave.

Jaehyun's face must clue Addison in, because he turns in his chair and spots Yuta, shoulders rolling with what Jaehyun thinks is surprise. "Hi," he says, and gestures him over. "Seems like you know each other."

Yuta folds his skinny limbs into the cafe's small metal chair like he's sinking into a throne. "Hi, yes, I'm Yuta!" He speaks in exclamation points, but Jaehyhun notices he doesn't extend his hand. "What are you two up to?"

"Class project, bro," Addison says. "I'm Addison."

"We're all in the program," Jaehyun says, hoping for context and common ground.

"I was just telling Jay it's too bad he can't charm McClintock like he can every-fucking-body else. That old bastard is made of hate."

"Mmm. Last semester, I nearly choked him with his own textbook." Yuta's grin implies this is a real threat somehow.

"Yeah, me too. The one _he_ wrote. Funny, that," Addison says, clicking his tongue.

"I also suggested tenure should be re-evaluated every fifteen or twenty years," Yuta says. "Who can say if that's why I only managed a C."

Addison slaps his knee, leaning in. "Okay, holy shit, tell me everything."

Yuta's smile turns small and winsome, then he grimaces in apology. "Ah, I would like to, but I can't stay. I have to facilitate a club meeting."

"Oh, which club?" Addison asks, interest even more piqued.

Jaehyun feels a twinge of something, anticipating Yuta's answer. It could be any club—Yuta said he's in the Japan Club and that it's mainly an excuse to complain about local food and subtly compete with each other—but somehow he doesn't think that's what Yuta cares enough about to the point of accepting a leadership role.

"OUTLoud," Yuta says, and pushes up from the table in the same moment. He pats his chinos' pockets, frowns, and then seems to remember his sunglasses are tucked in his shirt collar. He slides them on, eyes hidden, and Jaehyun loses half his ability to read Yuta just like that. "Hey, Jaehyun, are we still on for our adventure next week?"

"Only if you're buying me popcorn," Jaehyun says.

" _And_ a hot dog. Bye-bye," he says, and waggles his fingers at both of them before striding away.

Addison is quiet for a moment, and so is Jaehyun. He would rather not fill the space; Addison can make his own opinions known, and Jaehyun can go from there.

"I wonder if he really said that shit to McClintock," Addison wonders, leaning back. The gleam of interest in his eyes is fading, either because of Yuta's lack of proximity or because the club answer was unsatisfactory.

"Probably," Jaehyun says. "Yuta's pretty wild, from what I know." He flashes to the text messages they've exchanged, how Yuta's blunt humor has startled laughs out of him at inopportune times. Yuta likes to try to string him along with outlandish stories, but Jaehyun's gotten good at calling him on his bullshit, and the stuff he _actually_ does is interesting enough on his own. He can absolutely picture Yuta standing up in a lecture hall and smiling through his insults.

"Is he one of your roommates' friends?" Addison asks, eyebrows up and eyes glinting like they're sharing a joke.

Everyone knows Jaehyun moved in with Johnny and Ten seemingly out of nowhere, though Jaehyun assumed it stopped being funny at least six months ago. Apparently not.

Jaehyun sips his Americano to the dregs and keeps his face neutral. "No, he's my friend."

"Hey, man, he seems great," Addison says, looking discomfited. Maybe the point is being gotten, finally. "Your friends are great, Jay."

Jaehyun can't say he's clamoring to spend more time with Addison one on one again, but he's fine; it's fine if he thinks Jaehyun's lost the plot for moving into an old house with a bunch of queer guys. That's the point of why he's done it—to shake up his own perception of self but also everyone else's perception of him. Jaehyun, two or three years ago, would have raised his eyebrows at Yuta too, even this cleaner-cut version in Varvatos loafers. Five years ago, back in Seoul, Jaehyun might have actively avoided him in case people got the wrong idea.

Jaehyun hears his phone buzz and picks it up, seeing that Yuta texted him.

 **Yuta:** Giving you an excuse to leave if you want one ✌️  
**Yuta:** You looked like you were on the verge of falling asleep hehe

Jaehyun nearly laughs aloud. Of course Yuta read him like an open book. He keeps doing that.

"My sister's having a crisis or something," he says slowly, still staring down at the texts like he's grappling with them. "I'm sorry, can we reschedule?" Jaehyun asks, looking up and widening his eyes for effect.

"Oh, yeah, sure," Addison says. He glances at his open laptop like he's forgotten what it is and what it's there for. "No problem."

"You're really saving my ass by being my partner, by the way," Jaehyun says, standing and putting his own Macbook back into his messenger bag. "I can't thank you enough."

"Aw, man, I do what I do. Happy to have you along for the ride."

"Happy to be there," Jaehyun says, extending his fist for a quick bump.

As he walks away, he remembers the last paper of Addison's he read, how the guy couldn't even get the formatting right, let alone citations. He resigns himself to doing most of the work and delegating Addison some bullshit to keep him busy and out of Jaehyun's way. He'd love to be proven wrong, but nothing about today's attempt at a brainstorming session made him think Addison is capable of handling his half of the responsibility.

 **Jaehyun:** Truly you are a hero of our times  
**Yuta:** Just call me Ultraman!!

\---

Jaehyun skips his usual post-workout shower, wanting to beat the beginning of rush hour and get home ASAP. When he unlocks the front door, already toeing off his Nikes, he hears music pumping from the sound bar, so loud it's shocking he didn't hear it from the street.

Bemused and wondering what could possibly have prompted Rihanna at this volume at this time of day, Jaehyun wanders through the house until he finds Johnny and Ten cooking in the kitchen—or rather, twerking enthusiastically, Ten in an apron and Johnny holding a spatula. Ten moves like liquid as usual, but Johnny's less coordinated, his butt bumping Ten so hard Ten looks like he might fall over.

Jaehyun's content to observe them, even if his ears are ringing and he's not quite sure what to make of this, but then Ten spots him and slinks over.

"Gonna dance with me, rude boy?" Ten half-shouts in his ear, draping his arm over Jaehyun's shoulders.

"I would, but I reek," Jaehyun yells back, and Ten winces at the volume but beams at him.

Johnny, sensing the moment is over, turns the music down to something reasonable. He grips the side of the island, leaning against it, breathing labored. "Oh my God, I think that dance party took five years off my life. What's happened to my stamina?"

"You never had any to begin with," Ten says as he sashays away from Jaehyun and goes back to a cutting board with half a head of broccoli on it. There's a package of pre-cooked noodles out too, a baggie filled with cooked chicken breast, and a sad-looking Tupperware container of shriveled veggies Johnny oven-roasted earlier in the week. "And now you have even less reason to build any, since you found your, like, forever twink."

"Excuse you," Johnny says, puffing his chest but then stooping over to take a gulp of air. He fans his red face. "I can go all night."

"All those, uh, bedroom pushups keep you looking tight, I guess," Jaehyun tries to tease, an eye on Johnny and another on Ten to make sure he isn't going too far.

Johnny flexes, but he's wearing long sleeves and the effect is ruined.

"You could come to my classes if you want to make it through more kitchen dance parties," Ten offers.

"Ehhhh, I'll pass, thanks. Can't say I loved seeing myself in the mirror with my balls clearly visible in those leggings, especially next to all your nubile protégés."

"Start jogging?" Ten suggests.

"I hate jogging. I'm just busy lately, okay, and I fucking hate working out alone." He's complained about this before, about how half his motivation and accountability left with the roommate Jaehyun replaced. "Mark only comes with me to do twenty minutes on the elliptical, and then he drinks Gatorade and leers."

"Poor baby," Ten says, syrupy. "Get a personal trainer, or something."

"On a TA's salary? In my dreams, dude."

As usual, the thread of money goes taut, and Jaehyun has the solution but is not sure of how to offer it without coming off like an asshole. "I mean, I have a personal trainer and a lot of unused guest passes," he offers, even if that's not exactly true. He'll pay a little extra if it means giving Johnny this outlet. It's not like he has selfless motivations, either; he'll get a workout buddy this way.

He can't imagine not having the relief of stress or the endorphins that a hard session brings. The support of his trainer as he achieves goals, sets new ones, and tests the limits of his body is integral to his function. He supposes Johnny has some stress relief getting laid on the regular, unlike Jaehyun, who hasn't dated seriously since Lela, but a man can't rely on orgasms alone.

"I dunno," Johnny says, but he looks like he's considering it, head tilted.

"Just putting it out there if you want to give it a try," Jaehyun says mildly, but inside, he's curious, hopeful—he's always wanted to know what Johnny can lift.

"Wouldn't I just be a hanger-on? And your gym is mad fancy," Johnny says.

Yes, Johnny would technically be allowed to sit in on the sessions or work out alongside him, but Jaehyun would definitely have to pay to have him evaluated and taken care of too. If he can keep that from Johnny, or at least not let him know how much it costs, maybe he'll be down.

Thinking this over gives him an idea, though. "If that bothers you, we can make it a group thing?"

"What, with Mark? I told you, he doesn't actually work out."

Jaehyun doesn't know how Johnny and Mark haven't imploded from stress. "Yuta might want to come," Jaehyun offers. "He was an athlete."

Johnny blinks. Potentially, he wasn't paying attention the night of the party and didn't see Yuta and Jaehyun getting along. Or rather, Yuta steadily flirting and Jaehyun worrying it would be rude to correct his assumption about Jaehyun's sexuality. It's a running joke between Jaehyun and Yuta now, but Jaehyun's realizing how nobody else is aware they're in contact.

Telling Johnny and Ten the story seems like it will make him look like an idiot, even if he suspects it'll come to light sooner or later. "We hit it off at the party," Jaehyun explains. "He's cool."

"Oh, Yuta's very cool," Ten says, finishing off his rough chop of the broccoli.

"Nice. Shoot him a text and ask if he's down, I guess," Johnny says.

"Sure, just let me know some times when you get a chance."

"All I know is I'm not working out at like six a.m., so don't even think about it."

"Even I don't do that," Jaehyun laughs.

Anymore. He doesn't do that anymore, since he moved out of the apartment and doesn't have access to an on-site gym.

Jaehyun goes to the fridge for his leftovers, and it's a quinoa salad he's supposed to eat cold, so he does that, munching where he stands. He's due for a shower as soon as he's put the food away, but for now he lets himself lean against the island and enjoy the crunch of onion and bell pepper and the hint of lime.

At the counter, Jaehyun sees Ten going through a cabinet, and he pulls out extra-virgin olive oil. He's about to pour it into the pan when Jaehyun swallows his bite in a hurry and clears his throat.

"Ah, Ten, if you're making a stir fry, you should use a different oil."

"Oh!" Ten glances back at him and then at the bottle in his hand. "God, they're all the same to me."

Jaehyun smiles. He's fixed more than a few ill-advised attempts at meals when Ten decides to get adventurous and stop ordering so much takeout. Jaehyun taught him the proper way to hold a knife, at least, so Ten's less likely to lose a finger. It's all things Jaehyun learned when he was a kid, but it's pure chance he knows it anyway; his nanny was a great cook and wanted to keep him occupied while she was in the kitchen, so she enlisted Jaehyun as her sous chef. If it weren't for her, he would be just as hapless as Ten. Certainly his parents never thought to teach him, or So-hyun, who hates cooking and hired a personal chef the minute she could justify the expense.

"The smoke point is too low, it makes things really bitter. Try, um, I should have grapeseed oil in there? You can use that."

"What would we ever do without our house bro?" Ten asks, snagging the correct bottle. He uses too much, and Jaehyun sighs and sets his bowl down.

"Let me do it, please, for my own peace of mind."

Ten happily hands over control of the stove, and his and Johnny's meal, and goes off to use the bathroom. Johnny leans over Jaehyun's shoulder to watch him work, fetching him spices when he asks for them.

"You really need to stop letting Tennie get away with that," Johnny intones. "I swear he's conditioning you."

"I don't mind," Jaehyun admits. "I like to be useful, and cooking relaxes me."

"Well, the last thing I want to do is deprive you of relaxation, so knock yourself out." Johnny squeezes his shoulder and is silent for a moment as Jaehyun adds the noodles. "Dude, could we put kimchi in this?" he asks.

Jaehyun chuckles; kimchi might do something to help the sad vegetables, at least. "I don't see why not."

\---

The football excursion arrives, and Jaehyun offers to pick Yuta up and drive them since he invited him and paid for the tickets. Yuta lives a few blocks away from Jaehyun's old place and near the Museum of Science and Industry, on a very high floor. He buzzes Jaehyun up and answers the door in sweatpants and a sagging muscle tee, rangy arms on display as he pushes his hair out of his eyes. He looks one thousand percent hungover, but the bright smile he gives Jaehyun belies it.

"Come in, come in," he says, and Jaehyun sits on a little bench beside the door to untie his shoes. There's a neat shoe rack but a bunch of pairs strewn in the general vicinity of the door. "Sorry I'm running late. I slept through two alarms."

"Big night last night?" Jaehyun asks, standing up and smoothing imaginary wrinkles from his pant legs.

"You have no idea."

In the living room, huge windows overlook a view of Hyde Park. Yuta gestures for him to sit on the couch, so Jaehyun does. Clearly Yuta got someone in to do the apartment: it's sleek, modern, the slightest bit untidy, and the biggest splash of color in the room is a violently saturated and somewhat disturbing _Ichi the Killer_ poster above the couch.

Yuta notices Jaehyun looking and grins. "Even though I'm a coward when it comes to scary movies, I'm a huge Takashi Miike fan. No one knows _The Happiness of the Katakuris_ here, but some of them know this."

Jaehyun cranes to look at it again. "It livens up the space," he says eventually, the kindest thing he can manage.

"And I like to freak out my guests." Yuta disappears into the kitchen and returns with two bottles of juice. "Hang out here while I get dressed."

"Actually, can you show me to your restroom?" He used Johnny's French press before he hit the road, and he's already regretting it. Caffeine is kicking in, making him buzz, and his bladder's complaining.

"Sure." Yuta tucks his hair behind his ears and grins again, pointing down the hall and across from the kitchen. "Feel free to snoop."

Jaehyun pisses in a hurry, and he does not snoop in Yuta's medicine cabinet. By the time he's back in the living room, sipping the pressed juice Yuta gave him, Yuta's ready, or mostly ready, fiddling with an earring and wearing tight jeans and a Helmut Lang shirt Jaehyun had his eye on a few months ago.

He's a different person, again, from the man Jaehyun met at the party, the pink now so faded from his hair it's only a suggestion. Jaehyun wonders who he'll meet next time.

Yuta pulls a leather jacket out of a closet, and he laces up motorcycle boots talking about the bar he went to last night and trying to piece together a funny story with patchy memories. He talks a mile a minute, and despite the fact that it seems like a miracle he managed to wake up this afternoon not still drunk, he smells crisp and spicy, very clean. No Chanel No. 5 this time.

As Yuta leads him out, Jaehyun compliments his place.

"Thanks. I'm thinking about moving soon, though," Yuta says, and the keypad beeps a confirmation that the door is locked.

"Any particular reason?" Yuta's not going to get into a nicer building near campus. This is pretty much as good as it gets without changing neighborhoods, and he already knows Yuta doesn't drive himself.

"I become bored easily," Yuta says, hands slung in his jeans pockets as they walk to the elevator. "I need roommates. I climb the walls with nothing to do and no one to entertain me at night."

"I don't like it either," Jaehyun admits. "When my ex moved out, I couldn't take the silence. It drained my energy to have to live alone."

"So you moved in with Johnny and Ten for some excitement," Yuta guesses. "What is it— Be careful what you wish for?"

The elevator dings open, and they climb in. "I think they're exactly the right amount of exciting," Jaehyun says. "Last week, I came home to twerking in the kitchen."

Yuta laughs, low, his strange crowlike noise. Jaehyun forgot he sounded like that. "Next time, record it. I need blackmail material on Johnny."

"On it," Jaehyun promises, and steps into the elevator.

\---

Yuta doesn't tell Jaehyun he has mustard on his face from his hot dog, and when Jaehyun finally notices—taking a selfie to send to So-hyun or post on Instagram—Yuta doubles over in laughter, booted feet stomping the ground. They're seated front row; Yuta really undersold how good these tickets are. The coaches and press are close enough to see Jaehyun, and his mustard-y chin.

"You're paying for that one," Jaehyun says, though he's happy to take the napkin Yuta offers once he's done wailing with delight. "Not sure how yet, but you're in for it."

"It's worth the cost of seeing you look stupid," Yuta says.

Jaehyun shakes his head, grinning, scrubbing the remnants off. "I think I preferred it when you were trying to get into my pants. You were nicer."

Yuta cuts a look over to him, still smiling. He sips his water. "Is that what you like? Simping?"

Jaehyun shrugs, watching a coach argue quietly with a ref. He's not the biggest football fan, and all the American teams are crap anyway, but he knows enough to follow. Yuta's unsurprisingly loud, filled with excited cheers and yowls over bad calls. Occasionally, he leans in and gossips about some of the players, none of whom Jaehyun knows anything about, but it's funny as hell. "No one hates a little appreciation," he says with careful nonchalance. "At least compared to mustard stains."

"It didn't stain, you big baby." As a whistle blows, Yuta's hand cups his chin, moving his face side to side. He squints at Jaehyun. "Your perfect skin is still perfect."

His hand is surprisingly strong; Jaehyun feels the pressure of his bony fingers even after the touch is dropped. "Perfect, huh?" Jaehyun goes for smug, the corners of his mouth twitching.

Now that the truth is between them, he doesn't mind this teasing. It reminds him of Ten, how he can be solicitous and vicious in the same breath, and how Jaehyun's gotten used to it and even gotten to appreciating it. It's honest. It's definitely not boring, and to Jaehyun's relief, after spending half his life attending events with his father's friends and his fellow MBA students, Yuta isn't spending all of his time posturing about how much ass he gets or talking nonstop about his last trip to Mykonos.

"You said you liked simping," Yuta says, and then chokes on his next sip of water as a midfielder misses an easy interception. "Are you kidding me!"

\---

After the football match, it's as if Jaehyun's opened some door that unleashes Yuta into his life. He texts him as much as he does So-hyun, and then there's a group chat with Johnny to coordinate days and times to work out that quickly spirals into spamming each other and complaining about the minutiae of their days. Yuta keeps sending Japanese memes and having to painstakingly explain them.

He's proven correct about Yuta's motivation for agreeing to come, despite the limitations of his old knee injury; he's as competitive as he promised, and Jaehyun has the time of his life adding more weight to his reps and gently making fun of Yuta's form until they're both gasping with effort and Johnny and his trainer have to step in to stop them from straining something. For such a skinny guy, Yuta can push a lot.

Jaehyun worries there might be a strange moment in the showers, when he comes in stripped off and finds Yuta twirling his finger to direct Johnny, very much naked too, to turn in a circle. Johnny happily complies.

"Tell me you let Mark hit it," Yuta demands, his back to Jaehyun, and Jaehyun smothers a laugh faced with Yuta's farmer's tan and the one dimple above his pale butt.

Johnny only smiles mysteriously and backs under the spray.

Jaehyun has spent a significant part of his life in showers and locker rooms, and saunas back home; he's used to the etiquette. He thought he was impervious to nudity in that context, but as he walks in, he realizes it's his first time being undressed in front of either of them, and they both have an active interest in the male form. Yuta hit on him, even; surely he's interested in what Jaehyun's bringing to the table.

When Jaehyun turns on his shower and starts soaping up, letting the water pound out his unexpected tension, there's silence for a few moments until Johnny groans. "You know, I make fun of you for all your chicken and salads, but now I'm seeing why you do it. You look fucking sculpted, dude."

Jaehyun smiles, shrugs, and lathers his hair. There's a reason he sticks to the routine he does; stress relief is half of it, but a big motivator is the proof of his hard work being visible in his thighs, his abs. He keeps his arms tight but not too big, since he thinks he'll look weird bulked up; unless he's mostly undressed, it's not obvious what good of shape he's actually in. But now Johnny and Yuta know. Intimately. And he knows what they look like too—Johnny's toned but not jacked and huge everywhere, even where he's soft, and Yuta's thinner, with surprisingly broad shoulders, and uncut. His pubes are trimmed short, same as Jaehyun's. What makes his glance linger, though, is the piercing through Yuta's navel and a matching one in his left nipple.

Yuta bares his teeth in a grin when he sees Jaehyun looking and winks. Jaehyun tilts his head up and his gaze away, rinsing off. "Don't compliment him, Johnny, that's dangerous."

Jaehyun showers, efficiently and thoroughly, as they tease him and each other. He didn't expect to feel more comfortable around them versus the usual guys he showers around, not less, but this isn't gym rats taking furtive and bitter glances at his dick. It's friendly, casual, and the kind of admiration Jaehyun likes. The fact that he worried about this at all makes him embarrassed and guilty. What did he think Yuta was going to do when he saw Jaehyun's dick? Offer to blow him?

Old habits, old assumptions, are stubborn. That's why Jaehyun's working on them.

Jaehyun drives him and Johnny home after the session to find Mark and Donghyuck in their living room, passing a vape back and forth, a bag of Cheetos open on the coffee table. Ten's a horrible influence. Both of them need their lungs for singing.

Mark's got a key, and Jaehyun's used to seeing him pop in after work on weekdays, but it's rarer that he brings Donghyuck. He's glad to see him, though, especially after the tension he overheard at the gay-together. It seems like that's resolved.

Donghyuck tries to pass him the vape when Jaehyun sits next to him on the couch, eyeing the way he stares up at the ceiling with glassy eyes, his skinny body drowning in a hoodie.

"No thanks. You good?" He's sticking to English because of the group; Mark and Johnny can follow Korean okay, but they trip over trying to remember vocabulary, so it's easier in a group to stick to the common tongue.

Donghyuck takes another pull and tries to do a trick, then exhales the last of the vapor in a rush of frustration when he fails.

"He fucked up," Mark says grimly. "He didn't memorize a choir solo in time for rehearsal and Taeil ripped him a new asshole for it."

"He was right," Donghyuck says in a flat tone, still directed at the ceiling. "I'm bad at sight reading."

"So you just work on it, right? It was a rehearsal, not some big performance, so just… do better next time." The Cheetos on the table are calling Jaehyun's name, or specifically the sodium in them is, and he swipes one. "Don't psych yourself out because of this, man."

"The director threatened to give my solo to someone else," Donghyuck says. "God, I want to die."

"You're not gonna die because you made a mistake," Mark says sharply.

"I'm going to die because that asshole humiliated me in front of twenty people all waiting for an excuse to tear me down, and he was _right_." Donghyuck slumps sideways and ends up awkwardly on Mark's lap. Mark's fingers slide gingerly into his hair.

"You want dinner? Before your funeral?" Mark asks, peering down at his best friend.

"I've got pizza coupons," Johnny shouts from the other room. "I can text Ten and see if he wants in on it too."

"Can't tell you how glad I am we're celebrating my failure with a pizza party," Donghyuck says.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's not as cute as you think it is." Mark flicks his cheek.

"Can you get tutored in sight reading?" Jaehyun wonders.

"Yeah, from my _competition_ ," Donghyuck sighs. He billows another cloud of vapor directly into Mark's face. "I'll find more YouTube tutorials, I guess."

"Guys, do we want pizza or not?" Johnny demands, coming out of the kitchen with his hands on his hips. "Ten says yes, by the way."

If they are indeed having a pizza party in the midst of Donghyuck's crisis, it would be polite to join. He's starving too, that Cheeto he snacked on unleashing hunger he thinks his heated-up leftovers wouldn't satisfy. "Sure. I'll eat whatever."

"Donghyuck likes wings more than pizza, babe. Get him some of those."

"Got it. Cheese for you?"

"Yeah, you know me, hahaha. Thanks."

Johnny and Mark trade an affectionate smile before Johnny disappears into the kitchen again, and Donghyuck groans and heaves himself upright again, like his proximity to domestic happiness is unbearable.

"You know what else you can do," Mark says thoughtfully, and Donghyuck gives him a baleful look as he sucks in yet another hit. Mark takes the vape from him then and makes a big show of putting it on the arm of the couch.

"What."

"Ask Taeil for help."

"Oh, _fuck_ off," Donghyuck says, alarmed.

"No, for real." Mark pulls his knee up onto the couch and twists sideways to look at Donghyuck. It's clear he's very high and doing his best to assemble his thoughts into order. "If he wants to point out what's wrong so bad, then he can fix it, yo. And I swear to God, he was your friend before, he wants to help you."

Donghyuck laughs bitterly. "I don't know what he was, but he wasn't my fucking friend."

Jaehyun feels a spike of concern. He's not sure of all the details, but he knows Donghyuck feels like this instructor messed with him by not disclosing he wasn't a student until Donghyuck found out in the worst possible way, which is objectively weird but could have been some kind of mistake. But now he's wondering if it went deeper than that.

"He didn't try to, like…"

Donghyuck laughs again, this time so hard he ends up coughing. "No, he didn't try to fuck me. Not that that would have worked anyway."

There's a lull while they hear Johnny unloading the dishwasher, clanking pots and pans, and Mark studies his lap and then draws in a heavy breath, gaze cut to the side.

"I wasn't gonna tell you this, but a few weeks ago I ran into Taeil at H-Mart," he says. "We talked a little."

"Did you," Donghyuck says in a silky tone.

"He was super nice. He said he wants to apologize and explain, but he doesn't want to make things even worse or reach out when that wouldn't, like, be cool."

"Nice of him to discover boundaries _now_ ," Donghyuck huffs, but the set of his jaw is slightly less furious. He still looks like one wrong word will set him off, though. Jaehyun wonders how long the pizza will take to deliver. "I hope you told him I'm not interested."

"I said I can't speak for you, which, like, obviously I don't. But he told me some of his side, and yeah, I think you should ask, if only so you aren't in the choir with this hanging over your head."

Donghyuck is silent for a stretch, and Jaehyun's phone buzzes in his pocket. When he sees it's his mom, he takes it immediately, like he always does. It's also a nice excuse to ditch the serious conversation going on that Jaehyun has no part of.

"Mom," he says, splitting into a grin and closing his bedroom door behind him. "You caught me just before dinner."

"Oh, I'll keep this short, then," she says brightly. "Are you flying home for Chuseok? I'm confirming the catering headcount, and I need to know if you're coming or if you're bringing anyone."

The smile is wiped off his face. He forgot that was coming—not that Chuseok exists, or that he has to decide if he can swing the trip, but that it's happening so soon. He convinced himself he had more time.

His knee-jerk impulse is to say yes, of course; he visited them around nine months ago and is overdue for a trip, especially since he could have gone this summer but never quite managed to schedule it around his mother's travel. But the part of him that isn't a dutiful son doesn't want the hassle of the long flight and a short stay.

An even deeper part of him finds it harder to feel at home with each subsequent visit. He's drifting away from the person he was, who didn't know anything outside of his bubble. His life is different, beyond the language he speaks every day and the friends he keeps. He doesn't want to sleep in his childhood bedroom and get dragged to the same company functions, to see the same people, to play the same role of the polite but decorative spare.

But he does want to see his sister, and his parents, and he would commit crimes for food that tastes like home that he doesn't have to make himself.

"Well," he says, "I'm coming for Christmas, and I can stay for a lot of the break. But Chuseok… Mom, I'm sorry, I just have a lot on my plate right now. We don't get the holiday off here, either."

His mother would never sigh, but her tone is mildly resigned. "I thought as much. I know the turnaround is tight."

"Yeah, too tight," Jaehyun says apologetically. "But I'll call you, you know I will. I want to see how you decked out the house."

"We're nearly done setting up," she says. "I'll send you some in-progress shots." Jaehyun's mother is legendary for her parties, and how little help she has in assembling them; she fired three designers until she found one willing to put up with her particularity, and every holiday party is her joy to micro-manage. Jaehyun definitely didn't get that gene, even if he likes to keep his things neat and minimal. He has no sense for decorating, and neither does So-hyun.

"Please," he says. "Did you finish with the kitchen cabinets?"

"Oh, a month ago," she says. "I'll send photos of those too. It's a huge improvement."

"I can imagine."

"Well, I won't keep you, darling. I'll talk to you later in the week." He can hear that she's already checked out of the call, mentally onto the next item on her list. He won't keep her.

"Talk to you then. Bye-bye."

He stands in his room, the muffled sound of Johnny laughing audible through the door, and shakes off his guilt over turning his mother down. She's happiest when the family is together, presenting a neat unit, when she can show off her children and dote on them in her way. He hates robbing her of that, but it's not like he would even live at home or be able to attend every function she hosts the way he did as a kid. She has to accept his priorities and that he's an adult, whether he's in Seoul or Chicago.

Still, he thinks, checking the fall of his hair in his closet mirror, fluffing the strands that dried limp on his forehead, sucking in his cheeks, wetting his pink lips and making a note to moisturize them after dinner. There's always room for improvement.

\---

Jaehyun asks Yuta if he's going to the mixer ahead of time, and it turns out he is, so that gives Jaehyun the impetus to go too. He's friendly with a bunch of people in Greek life, but unfortunately, so is Lela, who was in a sorority in undergrad, and she ended up with the bulk of their mutual friends after the split. Having Yuta as a guaranteed life raft helps, as does the fact that it's still pledge week and things are going to be off the wall.

He's right about that: when he climbs out of his Lyft, the Omega house—a hulking brick eyesore in its Hyde Park location—is swarmed with people outside, despite the evening chill. It takes forever to make it past everyone, and there's no coat check, so he ends up slinging his jacket over his arm rather than risking stashing it in a room somewhere.

He passes by like three separate people dancing on tables, in varying states of undress, and it's only nine o'clock.

Jaehyun grabs a mystery drink the minute he finds someone acting as a bartender, and he downs it in hard, almost painful, gulps. He's on his second cup when one of the Psi U guys he knows spots him, visor on backwards, clearly faded. He slides an arm around Jaehyun's shoulders as an excuse to make Jaehyun hold him up.

"Bro, Jay, I'm so glad you came."

Jaehyun struggles to remember his name and gives up, hoping he's too drunk or stoned to notice. "You know I wouldn't miss it."

He jabs Jaehyun's pec. "You fuckin' ghosted us last year. Not letting you get away with it this semester. You're gonna get loose whether you like it or not."

Jaehyun finishes the rest of his drink in a hurry.

"You wanna come hang upstairs, bro? We've got a chill thing, like, I swear Andy's acting as a bouncer to make sure no one fucking weird gets in. It's safe from all these tryhard freshies."

"I'm good, but I'll text you later if I want in. I'm waiting for someone," he explains, when the guy opens his mouth to argue. They're always trying to get Jaehyun up to some shit at these parties, and historically that has ended in him doing shirtless keg stands, so he's glad he's got an excuse.

"Ah, shit, good for you, man. Just don't fuck her here, okay?" He hiccups in Jaehyun's ear and shouts at someone passing by, then decides he's done with the conversation and tries to leave it, nearly taking Jaehyun with him.

Jaehyun lets go and watches him lurch away. Then he goes to find more punch.

The energy in here is high and steadily gaining, and normally Jaehyun would be feeding off it, getting hyped and drunk and happy about it, but the chance of running into Lela or her friends, and not knowing if Yuta's here yet, has him wrong-footed. He stands in his corner, drinking his drink, until he spots some people setting up Battleshots. An excuse to get drunker, and an excuse to play a game—perfect.

Except, "Aw, man, we're full up, but maybe in a few rounds."

Jaehyun nods and backs away to a table against the wall lined with snacks, and he considers what he can do to pass the time until Yuta, or someone else he likes more than in passing, shows up.

It could be he's getting too old for this. What a thought. But a year and a half ago, when he went with Lela on his arm, she used to have to drag him out at two or three a.m., complaining she wanted to go home. He's not sure if it's the breakup, grad school, or maybe moving in with Ten and Johnny and changing the parameters of his social life, but he feels bored and borderline uncomfortable. Every party is the same: the same type of people, the same games, the same drama, the same conversations, the same drunken antics. He prefers the group Ten and Johnny invite over; playing board games and watching people dance to Troye Sivan is pretty fun, honestly.

Luckily, as he's eating a carrot stick, he spots Yuta amongst a sea of people in themed T-shirts (this semester's unfortunate throwback slogan is _PARTY DON'T START TILL WE WALK IN - PSI UPSILON OMEGA 2021_ ), wearing an oversized band tee and with his hair freshly dyed a coppery red. The relief that courses through him is intensified by the booze Jaehyun's been steadily putting back; he feels like an overcooked noodle, like he could slide to the floor.

Yuta spots him in the same moment and disentangles himself from the group he's with, gripping a solo cup like a lifeline, and gives Jaehyun a relieved smile when he parks himself next to him at the snack table.

"I knew I should have pregamed. Hey." He knocks his shoulder next to Jaehyun and swipes a brownie bite, popping it into his mouth.

"It's not usually this… frantic," Jaehyun says. "Lots of pledges trying to prove themselves."

"You ever consider joining?"

"I got invited by KDPhi to rush, and I thought about it, but no." Nearby, someone falls off a table, is caught in a feat of miraculous coordination by the drunken crowd, and pops back up on their feet with a cheer. "I like to party, but not that much."

He felt like too much of an outsider to join—even if many of the frats aren't all white guys now, Jaehyun was still struggling with his rusty English, sporty but not on a team, and he was a junior when he transferred in to begin with, older than the rest of the pledges.

"Same. I don't like living alone, but imagine living with dozens of dudes." Yuta shakes his head. "Couldn't be me." He takes a long gulp and finishes off his cup. "I come to frat parties to network and score, though." He gives Jaehyun a sly look and wipes his mouth of crumbs that don't exist. "Not tonight, of course."

"Of course," Jaehyun agrees, and tips his cup at Yuta.

\---

Yuta disappears for a while to vape in the backyard, and when he comes back, Jaehyun's found a girl and a guy who want to play beer pong and are looking for a team to face off against.

"You any good at beer pong?" Jaehyun asks, catching his elbow and pointing to the dining table that's been repurposed.

"I'm good at everything," Yuta says, already moving toward it, politely excusing himself as he brushes against almost every single person in the way, Jaehyun in his wake and still gripping Yuta's warm arm.

The girl is cute, glasses and an oversized sweater worn as a dress, and the guy is huge, ripped so much he's about to bust out of his black shirt, but he's quiet. Jaehyun and Yuta end up exchanging friendly trash talk with the girl, who slides a hand into the big guy's back pocket and calls him baby boy at one point, which has Yuta smiling at her.

Big Guy/Baby Boy starts them off, and he lands the first shot, which means Jaehyun drinks. It's watery beer, the cup maybe a quarter full; Jaehyun's glad no one's trying to get taken to the hospital in this group.

When it's his team's turn, Jaehyun goes first, the orange ball pinging off the cup and skittering across the floor, and Yuta pats his shoulder as Big Guy retrieves it. "Just warming up, yes?" he says, and Jaehyun nods.

The girl doesn't land her shot either, so next up is Yuta, who mimes throwing the ball a few times, one eye squinched shut, his tongue pushing out his cheek in concentration. He looks like a little kid, and it makes Jaehyun laugh under his breath.

The ball bounces off the table and lands into the cup at the front of the group, and Jaehyun sticks his fist out for a bump.

The teams are pretty evenly matched, it turns out; the girl's focus narrows, and she starts making the most of her throws, and Jaehyun's laser-focused on nailing the bounce technique. He clips one of the cups but on his next try lands in another, and Big Guy drinks, saluting him. Yuta pats his back, and Jaehyun feels the warmth of his approval all the way up to his ears.

This is what he liked about parties—letting loose, playing dumb games and getting too into them. Lela would complain if he played too long, leaving her to entertain herself, but Yuta's right here, taking this as seriously as Jaehyun. The two of them are silent when it's the other's turn, which is ridiculous given the oppressive noise of the party still raging around them, but Jaehyun appreciates the commitment to focus.

When Yuta lands a tricky shot, a cup separated from the rest so there's nothing for the ball to potentially ricochet off of, Jaehyun gives him a victory high five, and Yuta's fingers wind with his for a second, squeezing.

Ultimately, it comes down to a tie-breaker, and there's a little crowd of people in the room with them, watching avidly. It looks like it's about to go to the girl, who at one point put her hair up in a messy bun to keep it out of her way while lining up throws, as she sinks the ball in their last cup—but the crowd gathered starts yelling about a foul.

"Her elbow was over the chair, dude. It doesn't count."

Big Guy and his girlfriend trade looks, and she sighs with defeat. "Yeah, fuck. It was."

It's on Jaehyun, then, to sink the last ball in the last cup. Yuta tugs closer for a moment, hot breath somehow not vile from beer on the side of Jaehyun's ear and cheek, as he quietly says, "Not so powerful this time. It's closer than you think it is." He hammers a fist against Jaehyun's back to amp him up and steps away. "You got this."

Jaehyun feigns a few tosses and finally lets loose when he thinks his elbow and wrist are relaxed enough that he's not putting too much force behind it. The orange ball sails over the table in an arc so perfect Jaehyun feels satisfaction like voltage before it even sinks into the beer.

And it does sink into the beer, with a sound of rattling plastic. The small crowd explodes in cheers, and Jaehyun turns to Yuta and gives him an objectively dorky one-armed hug out of elation. Yuta feels skinnier than he looked naked, somehow, and he hugs back tight.

"Told you," Yuta says smugly, so close it buzzes against Jaehyun's chest, and steps away with a proud slap to his ass.

Big Guy and his girlfriend laugh off the loss, and Jaehyun tells them it's a good game. He's about to ask if they want to go again when he hears a voice saying, "God, this shit is so wasteful. Those cups don't degrade. They're just going to end up in a landfill."

Yuta turns, eyebrows raised, to the direction of the person speaking, and Jaehyun does too, with dread in his stomach. He knows that voice. It's Lela's friend, and sure enough, she's standing against the wall, Lela at her side, looking unimpressed.

"Should we play with hydroflasks?" Yuta asks with a giggle, at ease, seemingly unbothered by the criticism and the tension Jaehyun feels like he could cut with a knife.

All the delight from the silly victory of his win has been drained in an instant.

Lela's friend Charlotte scoffs. "Don't be ridiculous."

Yuta puts his hands up in surrender and shrugs. "Maybe make a petition for the frat to buy paper cups?"

"Great idea," she says, snide, eyes cutting to Jaehyun. She's clearly annoyed she hasn't rattled Yuta, but Jaehyun standing there like a scarecrow probably gives her some amount of satisfaction. She never liked Jaehyun, and Jaehyun never felt enough about her to say the feeling was mutual, but he couldn't say it was enjoyable to be around her.

Before this can get worse, Jaehyun clears his throat. "Hi, Lela. Hi, Charlotte. It's nice to see you."

"You too, Jay," Lela says, as Charlotte stares at him over the glass she must have acquired from the kitchen cabinets. "Haven't seen you at one of these in a while."

"Just been busy, I guess."

Yuta looks between them all, but he's subtle about it. Jaehyun feels like someone's injected his face with novacaine; it's stiff and numb, and he can't quite move it right.

"With your new roommates," Lela hums, and tilts her head at him. Jaehyun's heart kicks in what he thinks is disbelief, or maybe anger. He's shrugged off a few intrusive questions or awkward jokes about the fact that he went from living with Lela to shacking up with gay guys, but no one's been serious about it. This feels ugly. "You should bring them around sometime. No one's gotten to meet them."

He knows for a fact Lela's met Ten; they took a yoga class together, and she giggled about how flexible he was and how he complimented her leggings. "They graduated a while back," he says. "I don't think frat ragers are really their scene."

"That's too bad. What _is_ their scene?" Lela asks innocently.

Jaehyun would like to be anywhere but in this room having this conversation. He would like to be anything but drunk, which he unfortunately is after his multiple cups of mystery punch and now the shitty beer. Jung Jaehyun was not raised to quail in awkward situations. He may not be the negotiator that So-hyun is, or have the commanding presence of his father, but he's withstood more intensity than an ex-girlfriend being petty.

But none of the years of perfecting a smiling poker face are holding up against his fight-or-flight instinct. He itches to make a scene, call her out on what she's being coy over; he wants to leave this party and not look back, but he's literally stuck. He can't walk away in the middle of a conversation, in front of witnesses.

"Oh, you know all us gays go for leather and orgies," Yuta says, voice deliberately casual. "Jaehyunnie, I'm going outside to smoke. You in?"

Jaehyun takes a second to process that this is happening, then looks at Yuta. "Yeah, sure. It was nice seeing you both again. Take care."

He grabs his jacket from a nearby chair and follows Yuta to the doors, though not fast enough to avoid hearing Charlotte's snide laugh.

"You didn't drive here, did you?" Yuta asks, pulling his phone out of his pocket as they spill out onto University Ave. He's not wearing anything over his band T-shirt, and this late it's actually cold, but he forges onward like he doesn't even feel it.

"No, I don't drive when I party."

"Good boy," Yuta says, sounding distracted. He's staring at his phone as he walks, and Jaehyun worries he'll trip over something, and he has no idea where they're headed, but he follows him up a block, hoping it will distract him from the uneasiness he feels after that encounter.

"Uh, where are we going?" Jaehyun asks, once they've jaywalked across several streets and Yuta's showed no signs of slowing down.

"There's a church near here," Yuta says, glancing up from his phone to check a street sign.

Jaehyun laughs incredulously. "What? Bro, I'm not religious, especially not drunk at like eleven at night—"

"It's under construction," Yuta says, and points across the street. Sure enough, there's a church clearly in the midst of major work. "I geocache," he continues. "There's a field in the back, and that's what we are after."

Jaehyun realizes, as Yuta takes them to the side, thankfully not on the street, and shines his phone flashlight on the chain-link fence surrounding the property, that he's about to break and enter a fucking _church_.

"We're… going to get arrested for trespassing," he says in disbelief, as Yuta finds the gap in the fence with a little noise of victory and ducks to fit through it. "Or we're getting tetanus," he adds, glancing around warily at the debris everywhere.

Yuta, now on the other side of the fence, grins at him, which Jaehyun can barely see. They're not near any streetlights, and obviously the church doesn't have power. "Stop worrying so much! Get in here."

Sighing, Jaehyun does, careful not to snag his jacket.

Yuta starts moving again before Jaehyun's even all the way through, winding through materials and past equipment. Sure enough, in the moonlight and what reaches this area of city light, there's an expansive lawn that leads to a parklike area, much of it overrun by tall grass and untamed bushes.

"See if you can catch me," Yuta announces, and takes off at a full run.

Jaehyun gapes in his wake, nearly losing Yuta's silhouette to the dark, and wonders how the hell he got here, not to mention why he's enough of a competitive asshole to go through with this. He takes off at a run too, which sends his not exactly sober head reeling, and he nearly trips over a tree stump.

In the distance, carried on the soft fall wind, he hears Yuta's laugh, that unmistakable caw.

He and Yuta run from the lawn to the park, and he catches sight of Yuta's pale arms and gives chase in that direction. They're not going as fast now; it's more of a cat-and-mouse game, and every time Jaehyun gets close, Yuta speeds back up again. After a minute or two of this, the near misses, Jaehyun's blood is up, and he's smiling so hard he can feel the cold air on his gums.

"Hold still, you bastard," Jaehyun yells, when he nearly catches Yuta by a rusted-out bench.

Yuta absolutely doesn't hold still. He laughs harder and darts away, and Jaehyun puts on a determined burst of speed. He gets close enough to tackle him between two trees, so that's what he does—he throws himself at Yuta in a grapple, moving so fast it knocks the wind out of him and Yuta yelps "Ah!" at the sky, and the two of them tumble to the ground as a unit.

Immediately, now that he's got Yuta's squirming body underneath him, and he felt how hard they both hit the packed earth beneath them, Jaehyun's single-minded desire to win is traded in for concern.

But Yuta's still laughing, and shoves him away, until Jaehyun's lying on the grass and weeds next to him, staring up at the stars in the sky, chest heaving.

"You okay?" he asks, to be sure, and Yuta makes an affirmative sound and climbs to his feet, offering Jaehyun a hand. Jaehyun accepts it, and Yuta pulls him up like it's nothing.

"That was fucking great, right?"

"Yeah," Jaehyun admits. He's still breathing hard from the exertion, from the excitement, and grins at Yuta. He can't see him in great detail because of the lack of light, but he can see Yuta's smiling back.

"You should run around more often," Yuta says, and pokes Jaehyun's stomach. "Now help me find the cache, it should be around here somewhere."

"Okay," Jaehyun agrees.

The frozen, awful feeling that dogged him at the party and all the way to the church is all but gone, and he turns on his phone flashlight to aid Yuta's hunt. He has no idea about how to read the coordinates or really even a good grasp of the cardinal directions unless he's in a car, so he just shines his light on things Yuta thinks look promising.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Yuta asks casually, while bent over a bush to examine it. He says it so easily Jaehyun almost doesn't process the meaning behind it.

He doesn't talk about Lela, tries not to think about Lela because what she said during their breakup shook him hard enough to make him change his whole life, but certainly _living_ that life reminds him of her. But he's tipsy, and his pulse is still hammering with fading adrenaline and endorphins, and Yuta keeps pinning Jaehyun down with these observations. Not even observations; it's like he knows Jaehyun, how Jaehyun operates, and most of the time he doesn't even need to ask. He knew Jaehyun needed to leave the party, and he knew Jaehyun needed to run around, and he probably knows Jaehyun never talked about what went down.

"It's not like I'm hung up on her still," he says eventually, as Yuta gives up on the bush and goes back to another promising spot. He zips his jacket while he thinks for a second. "She said some shit that made me think, and want to change, but tonight—"

When Jaehyun's silent for a few more seconds, Yuta parrots, "Tonight?"

Words are packed in Jaehyun's throat, fighting to come out first, and he doesn't have the best control over them, but it's okay. Yuta's going to read his meaning the same as he always does. "I have changed, I guess, but it doesn't feel like enough."

"Seeing her reminded you of who you used to be, not who you are becoming," Yuta says, literally digging through wet dirt with his bare hands, like this is a normal activity to be engaging in while tossing profundities in Jaehyun's direction.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm making progress, sure, but I feel like… I could keep making progress forever and not get anywhere. She was right about me, and it sucks."

"What's she right about?"

Jaehyun struggles to condense months of arguments, conversations, her good intentions and bad, into something simple. It's not that he thinks every single complaint she made about him was valid, but she cracked his shell enough to get a deeper glimpse and didn't like what was there. "That I'm fake. Pretty on the outside, but nothing underneath."

Yuta's head comes up sharply. "Fuck her. You don't say that to people."

He wishes they were closer to the old bench so he could sit down. It helps that they can barely see each other, that this is such a strange night it doesn't feel real. "What, you don't be honest?"

"That isn't honesty." He gets up from his squat and brushes his filthy hands over the seat of his jeans. "And I'm sure she's the most actualized person on Earth," he mutters, sly and vicious.

Jaehyun can't dispute that. Not after tonight, with her thinly veiled barbs at the company Jaehyun keeps, not to mention her plethora of other flaws Jaehyun wasn't blind to. Lela could be sweet and funny, fun to be around; she could keep up with him on jogs and liked a lot of the things he did, so they had a lot of good times together. They came from similar backgrounds, though she was raised in the US and naturally fit in far better than he ever could. They knew the same people, had the same general life plan. They were a good match in that way.

Frankly, she chased the same shallow shit Jaehyun did: approval, admiration, status. Lela was just honest about it, complaining about their friends and acquaintances, sharing her insecurities, and all Jaehyun could give in return was attempts to console her, or worse, solutions to fix it. When things got intense or they had disagreements, his lack of reaction—anger, or jealousy, or even proof of his investment in their stupid arguments—only made her more frustrated, more likely to lash out.

_Women don't want to date fucking dolls, Jay. Act like a man some time._

"No," Jaehyun says slowly. "She's really not."

Yuta comes closer, sliding his phone into his pocket like he's given up on the cache. He still keeps a healthy distance between them, but he's close enough for Jaehyun to read him. "You're a better person than you are pretty. I mean, you are very pretty, Jaehyun, but I know many pretty people and none of them are as nice as you try to be."

He almost laughs. That was another one of her complaints, and one he agrees with. That he can't stand not to be liked. "I don't feel that nice," he admits, heart thumping heavy with the admission. "I feel more like I'm tricking people."

That gets Yuta to throw his head back and squawk, but he recovers quickly and returns to seriousness. "Well, fuck off, you are nice. You think shitty people worry they are shitty? No." Jaehyun doesn't think that he's actively shitty, just… missing things. Inadequate. But he's not here to split hairs regarding Yuta's assessment of his flaws. "You just don't have to _only_ be nice." Yuta closes the gap and slings his arm around Jaehyun's shoulder, using it to turn them both to face the way they came. "But we'll get you there."

He supposes if anyone can manage that, Yuta can. He's been like a key to Jaehyun's lock, getting all that out of him when he never breathed a word of it to Lela, to his sister. To himself, most the time. It almost makes him uneasy, how much he's said, but Yuta's so nonchalant, so easy to talk to, he can't really regret it. "First you need to get us out of this charming park," Jaehyun says.

"I've never been lost in my life," Yuta informs him, and starts walking, tugging Jaehyun along. "I could get us out with my eyes closed."

"Uh-huh." He wonders if Yuta is cold, if he would want to wear Jaehyun's jacket, but he can't quite bring himself to ask.

\---

Jaehyun hasn't had a best friend since middle school, but Yuta slides into the role like he's known Jaehyun for years. So-hyun gets accustomed to all of Jaehyun's updates including Yuta in some capacity, and she's positively gleeful when she finds out he's _Nakamoto Yuta_ to boot. All of her skepticism about the networking opportunities Jaehyun claimed he'd have in the States has seemingly vanished.

Yuta takes him go-karting, where Jaehyun learns exactly why it is that Yuta doesn't drive. He's a maniac with no sense of self-preservation or respect for the rules, and he nearly leaves his kart nonfunctional on the track. He takes Jaehyun to concerts with an hour's worth of head's up, and it turns out music is big for both of them, though they come at it from wildly different places. Jaehyun's trying to get him into shoegaze, but Yuta doesn't have the temperament for it; Yuta's blasted enough Miyavi in his apartment that Jaehyun's learned most of his discography, to the point where he finds himself humming it while he cooks.

It's fun to be around Yuta no matter what they're doing. He can bring Yuta anywhere, from the gym to an after-dark museum charity event, or Yuta can drag Jaehyun into skeezy bars with sticky tables, and he'll fit in effortlessly. It's great when it's the two of them, but it's just as good when Yuta's over at the house and giving Johnny and Ten shit, or sitting next to Mark's side and demanding to be entertained with more guitar covers. Mark always delivers, blushing when Yuta gives him tiny, happy claps after each song.

They don't have more of those deep, deliberate conversations like they did in the church park, but Jaehyun notices candor bleeding through in small ways. When Yuta asks him what he wants to do, he doesn't demur; when Yuta asks him how he is, he's honest. Yuta lets slip more comments about his own family, his own background, and actually mentions his knee when it pains him, which it does far more often than Jaehyun would have assumed.

When Yuta asks him along on a day hike, Jaehyun agrees without a second thought. He's gone on hikes before, though nothing intense, so he has to Google what to take and what to wear. Jaehyun's more of a runner, lots of energy expended in a short amount of time, but he's in good enough shape and thinks his stamina can take it.

Yuta meets him at his place with a backpack twice as tall as Jaehyun's and a knee brace he hasn't put on yet, and they spend the hour and a half it takes to drive to the Indiana park playfully arguing about sports.

Once they take a loop on the trail to warm up and then actually set out on the dunes, though, Jaehyun quickly realizes how much he isn't prepared for hiking on sand.

The views are stunning and keep him energized to see more, Lake Michigan glittering in the fall sunlight, and Jaehyun couldn't ask for better company. At midday, they move off the path a bit to eat a lunch Yuta packed and clearly did not make himself; Jaehyun teases him for living off of takeout, and Yuta takes out his camera and snaps a few shots of them, sand and water in the background. Jaehyun throws up a peace sign and a cheesy grin from under his hat, and Yuta makes devil horns with his right hand.

When Yuta stands after putting their trash away in his backpack, he winces and rubs his knee.

Jaehyun doesn't want to call attention to it, but neither does he want to finish the trek knowing Yuta's suffering, so he digs around in his own bag for some painkillers he has left from a dental procedure and packed as part of a makeshift first-aid kit.

"Here, if you need it," he says, rattling the bottle of pills at Yuta, who gives him a long look but takes it, reads the label, and pops two, swallowing them dry.

"Thanks," he says, a little gruff, and that's all they say about that, getting back on the dune trail.

Even with his leg giving him trouble, he's faster than Jaehyun. They're on the loop back, so Jaehyun's not too worried about Yuta overexerting himself, but he still keeps an eye on his gait just in case.

Here, in his hiking gear, his weather-battered hat, with his obvious joy over being outdoors, Yuta's new to Jaehyun again. It makes him smile when Yuta tries to rush a seagull, whooping delightedly when he startles it and it flies off in a hurry.

"All this manly outdoorsman stuff must get guys falling all over you," Jaehyun comments, when Yuta's stopped to sip some water.

"Boys, girls, and whoever," he says. "But yes. It's attractive to a certain type of person."

That surprises Jaehyun, who realizes he really should have asked and not assumed Yuta was only interested in men. "I don't think I've hooked up outdoors," Jaehyun muses. "Not even the one time I went camping. Seems messy." He fucked in a hot tub once, but given that it was attached to a chalet, that doesn't seem like it counts.

"I don't mind a little dirt," Yuta says. "It's a good exfoliant," he adds, to make Jaehyun laugh.

Jaehyun's not paying attention to the trail, too busy thinking of a retort, and ends up feeling the sand shift under his foot an instant before a blazing pain shoots up his leg. He crumples mid-step.

"Fuck," he says, bewildered and on his ass, staring down at his ankle, which he knows is definitely sprained. It's just a question of how bad it is. "Great."

Yuta says nothing, drops to his knees—even though that can't feel great—and takes off his backpack. He unties Jaehyun's shoe and gingerly guides it off, then does the same with his sock as Jaehyun hisses. Jaehyun resists apologizing for his sweaty foot.

Yuta's very, very careful in assessing Jaehyun's functionality, but it still hurts.

"It's just a sprain," Jaehyun says, while Yuta frowns and rustles through his backpack.

He comes up with bandages and winds them around Jaehyun's foot expertly, to stabilize it, and then he pointedly shoves the same bottle of pills Jaehyun offered him earlier at him with a terse instruction to take three.

"I promise I'm fine," Jaehyun protests, but he takes the pills without hesitation.

Yuta retrieves an ice pack next, wrapping it in a bandana he also packed in his apparently bottomless backpack, and adjusts himself so he's sitting on his butt in the sand with Jaehyun's leg propped over his thigh. He sets to icing Jaehyun's ankle then, glancing up at Jaehyun's face.

"Sorry, I know the cold doesn't feel good," he says.

"No, it's fine. Gotta do it."

They sit there like that for a few minutes, Yuta shifting the ice pack once to the other side of his ankle, and Jaehyun— He doesn't like being babied, usually, especially when it comes to an injury, but as careful and considerate as Yuta's being, it doesn't feel like that. It doesn't even feel like pity. Jaehyun's hurt, and Yuta's handling it.

"Man," Jaehyun sighs, glancing up at the slightly overcast sky. "At least we're almost at the end of the loop."

"You think you can walk back to the car?" Yuta frowns as another thought occurs to him. "We'll call an Uber and have your car towed. I don't want you driving."

"I sprained my ankle, I don't need to be admitted to the hospital. I can still drive. And yeah, I can probably walk okay too."

"You want to drive a manual for ninety minutes?" Yuta asks, incredulous. "Your foot pressing the clutch?"

Jaehyun reconsiders. "No. Fuck."

"So we'll call an Uber."

"They're gonna get a big tip for that drive," Jaehyun says in an attempt at levity, but Yuta isn't easily distracted right now.

Yuta removes the ice pack and studies Jaehyun's foot, reddened from the cold. It's such an incongruous sight, his bare foot wrapped in white bandages, cradled on Yuta's lap. Jaehyun wriggles his toes and is relieved it doesn't hurt that much.

"Help me get my shoe back on?"

Yuta doesn't help so much as does it all himself, and he refuses to let Jaehyun stand unsupported, to take his full weight, and Jaehyun nearly gets into an argument with him about it. His knee shouldn't be taking that extra abuse from holding Jaehyun up, but Yuta, once they're ready to resume, mulishly slides his arm around Jaehyun's waist and holds on tight.

"It doesn't hurt anymore," Yuta insists about his knee, when Jaehyun makes a last-ditch attempt to let him walk on his own. "And it's not like it can get any worse."

Jaehyun sighs, resigning himself to using Yuta as a human crutch as they finish the loop. That goes relatively okay, though they're slowed considerably and Jaehyun is suspicious of the stability of the sand. A few times, he hears Yuta suck in a breath of pain, but Jaehyun's doing the same, so they mutually ignore it.

Once they're at the parking lot, Jaehyun gets in the backseat of his own car with his leg elevated as Yuta waits for an Uber to accept their request for a ride with increasing annoyance.

"We can try a taxi service," Jaehyun offers, as Yuta paces in front of the open car door, scowling at his phone.

Luckily, his face shifts into relief a moment later, as someone apparently agreed to collect them and drive them across the state line into Illinois.

When they're in the backseat of the Uber driver's Prius, reassuring the driver they'll tip well for such a long trip, their stuff stashed in the trunk, Yuta slumps against the seat. Exhaustion is visibly setting in hard.

"Don't worry about the tow, I'll arrange it once we're home," Jaehyun says, worried Yuta's taken on too much already. He almost offers him the rest of the pills, but he suspects Yuta won't handle that with much grace.

"I may pass out," Yuta says, sounding absolutely miserable, and Jaehyun nods.

"Whatever you need to do, man. I'll wake you when we're in Chicago."

Yuta does end up sleeping, though for the first thirty minutes it's more of a doze, blinking awake and looking around in confusion until he finally settles into something deeper, mouth parted, puffing out tiny snores. He tips closer to Jaehyun despite the strangle of the seatbelt, and Jaehyun tries to maneuver to prop him up, to give him some sort of neck support. It's clear it's not comfortable, even in sleep.

After a nervous glance to the front, where the driver is listening to some sort of new age meditation music, Jaehyun slips his hand over to Yuta's seatbelt and does his best to remove it covertly.

Without the belt holding him in place, Yuta flops over even more, until he's plastered to Jaehyun's side. Jaehyun lets him sleep like that. Yuta deserves it, after what he did for Jaehyun, after how hard he pushed himself on a knee that was already close to quitting on him.

He texts So-hyun pictures from the hike, nature views and Yuta identifying plant life like he was hosting his very own show on the Discovery Channel, and tells her about his sprain but omits the parts about Yuta taking care of him and Yuta's knee issue. It's too much to disclose. It feels too private.

When Yuta smacks his lips in his sleep, Jaehyun smiles down at him, chest warm.

\---

The sprained ankle puts him out of commission for almost a week, surprisingly, and Jaehyun sheepishly admits to So-hyun and Yuta that maybe it was worse than he thought. It drives him crazy after the first few days to sit on his ass so much, to abandon his routine—he doesn't even make it to class, let alone the gym.

Ten takes it as an opportunity to make Jaehyun watch some of the worst television ever produced. Jaehyun had no idea there were entire shows dedicated to the mundanity of housewives in Beverly Hills, throwing parties and champagne glasses with impunity, but by day two, it's become a thing. He can't look away.

"Are the rich wives in Seoul like this?" Ten asks, eating popcorn one piece at a time, sharing a throw with Jaehyun on the couch, Jaehyun's leg propped up on the coffee table.

"No," Jaehyun says immediately. "Or if they are, it's not in public." The sort of drama he's caught glimpses of is usually hidden as far from prying eyes and TV cameras as possible. These women are having a screaming fight in the middle of a packed restaurant.

But he realizes he might not know for sure, since he was shielded from the intense politicking his mother and father did behind the scenes and any subsequent bad blood there, and many of these television fights are girls-only territory. He does also vaguely remember hearing about some chaebol heirs fighting in Cartier Maison and getting banned. Jaehyun, curious, texts So-hyun about it, whether there's been unhinged drama he's not privy to, and all she sends back is a cry-laughing emoji he can't quite decipher.

Watching the show imagining his sister trying to navigate this bullshit does make it even funnier, though.

Eventually, it gets to the point where Johnny comes home from work and watches it with them, and then Mark the day after that, and then he brings Donghyuck, and Jaehyun invites Yuta for the hell of it, who wrinkles his nose at their agonizingly chintzy taste and scoffs at their poor manners but laughs himself hoarse all the same.

So while Jaehyun does occasionally feel like clawing off his own skin from boredom and stillness, or trying strictly upper-body exercises only, his roommates—his friends—keep him from going too nuts. Johnny brings food he picked up on the way home, Ten brings gossip, and even Donghyuck plays shooters with him until Jaehyun's wrists start to ache.

It's hard to imagine this sort of thing happening a year ago, two years ago. If he was unable to move around for this long, Lela would just leave him to it. She wouldn't sit and watch bad TV with him, or bring him sushi, or try to teach him to play the guitar.

Accepting Mark's offer to talk with some stranger about an available room was among the best choices Jaehyun's made for himself, he thinks. Funny how things work out.

\---

They celebrate Jaehyun's healed ankle by taking him out for steak, and Yuta does the thing where he gives his card to the server the minute they enter the place. It's one less thing Jaehyun has to worry about, making sure everyone feels comfortable ordering what they want and not budgeting in their head, splitting the bill down to the exact cent, and he grins at Yuta from across the table and orders everyone a round of drinks.

Ten doesn't eat beef, but Yuta checked the menu ahead of time and made sure they had options he would like, so Ten's happy to come along, sat between Donghyuck and Yuta, getting steadily drunker throughout the night. It's fun, and loud, and they're seated in the back where they won't bother anyone, and Jaehyun eats dessert and doesn't even think about it, delving into the same flourless chocolate cake as Yuta, carving up spoonfuls of ice cream to go with each bite.

Everyone ends up at the house, even Donghyuck, who has to work the breakfast shift in the morning, and sprawls in the living room, giggling and full. Johnny puts on music, and Mark sits on his lap in the bean bag chair they've been using more and more lately. Jaehyun makes a mental note to buy a bigger couch or another chair or something.

Yuta and Ten are talking, next to each other to Jaehyun's left on the couch, and Jaehyun tunes it out in favor of a loud, still not sober conversation in Korean with Donghyuck about the shows they grew up watching. He only clues in to something going on when he hears Ten sigh dramatically.

"I'm not saying _that_ ," he says, fiddling with his earrings and looking at Yuta with heavy-lidded eyes, a smirk threatening to spread across his face. "Of course you shouldn't raw dudes you meet on Grindr."

Jaehyun's still tipsy enough that all of his self-restraint has gone out the window. "Excuse me?" he says, lilting into a high pitch. "What conversation is taking place on my couch right now?"

"We're talking about hookup etiquette," Yuta says.

"I've never had any problems just _asking_ ," Ten continues, clearly unbothered by his audience. "You can make that sexy too."

Yuta flutters his eyelashes at him. "Oh, baby, please put that condom on your big dick and don't start complaining about how you can't feel anything."

Ten gives a peal of laughter. "Okay, but I promise you can make safe sex sexy."

"I don't see the point of making it sexy," Yuta says. "Either you're putting on a condom or I'm kicking you out of my apartment."

"Or the bathroom stall," Ten says, and Yuta clinks his repurposed Big Gulp cup against Ten's wine glass.

"I need more alcohol for this," Jaehyun announces, and Donghyuck calls him a child, but Yuta crawls up off the couch, patting his shoulder, to go find him some. On his way, he bends to kiss Mark and Johnny on the top of their heads. Mark beams up at him from his hold in Johnny's arms.

Yuta gets friendlier, flirtier, the more he drinks, Jaehyun's noticed. He's looser with Jaehyun too, though not in such an obvious way; he leaned up against him in the car ride home and patted his thigh while Jaehyun sat down on the couch and got comfortable. It's nice Yuta feels at ease with him, even if there's an obvious deterrent to treating Jaehyun the way he treats Johnny and Mark, or even Ten, now.

Jaehyun drinks the wine Yuta brings him, but he savors it over the next hour or so, until Donghyuck starts yawning and Johnny calls him and Mark a Lyft to get home. Mark's got a big day tomorrow too, apparently, and he whines about it at the door, refusing to let Johnny go, popping onto his toes to give him little kisses as Donghyuck hollers from the street for him to move his ass.

Ten slinks upstairs when Johnny does, though he squeezes Jaehyun's shoulder and tells him he's glad he's doing better.

"We're finishing the season, though?" he asked, eyebrows high, and Jaehyun wasn't about to let him down on that one. He does kind of want to see the reunion episodes Ten has talked up so much.

"Absolutely."

Yuta uses his bathroom, then asks about the rest of Jaehyun's vinyl collection, which Jaehyun keeps in his bedroom. When Yuta's done making fun of how much Kanye Jaehyun owns, he plops down on Jaehyun's bed next to him.

"This is the first time I've been in someone's bedroom for unsexy reasons in a while," he says.

"From that conversation with Ten, I believe it," Jaehyun says, picking at the seam of his pillowcase.

He thought he was drowsy with wine and red meat, but Yuta in here next to him has him wide awake.

Jaehyun gets annoyed with himself, at all of his leftover hangups, when Yuta's done nothing but be the best friend Jaehyun thinks he's ever had, and in such a short time. It doesn't matter that Yuta likes men, that he seemed to like Jaehyun all those weeks ago; he's a solidly good man, and he deserves better.

Jaehyun stubbornly shifts even closer, until their legs are touching. "So how did that come up, anyway?" he asks.

"I don't even remember. Ten's been nosy since the night we met," Yuta says, smiling fondly. "I know how to handle him, don't worry."

"How _did_ you guys meet?"

Yuta pauses for the smallest second. "We fucked in a club," he says bluntly.

That news washes over Jaehyun like embarrassment, a hot flush. He's… not sure how to handle that, honestly, and his stupid brain takes a few moments to remind him that it's not his issue to handle. He can't help wondering how they went from sleeping together to platonic buddies, though. "Whoa," Jaehyun says. "That's not… awkward?" he asks, hesitantly.

He's never been in a situation where he's chosen to hang out with a former hookup repeatedly, let alone become friends with them. He wonders if Yuta has tips for how to manage it, in case it ever happens for Jaehyun.

"No, not really. Neither of us are looking for anything serious. It was fun, but we're not gonna do it again." Yuta gives him a small smile, like he's aware Jaehyun is having trouble wrapping his mind around this and is patient with him. "And he introduced me to everybody, so…"

"Yeah, I guess— We wouldn't be friends if you hadn't, uh, had sex with my roommate, so, uh, good for you?" Jaehyun says. It falls flat, but Yuta laughs anyway.

"Well, we would not be friends if I hadn't tried to proposition you, I think you mean."

"Yeah."

Jaehyun's throat feels dry, and he's overly aware of how close they are, how they're on his bed. How Yuta offered to stay the night with him after the gay-together. How he might have imagined things going down on Jaehyun's bed.

Yuta's expression falls into gentle concern. It's the softest Jaehyun's ever seen him look, excluding that time he crashed into sleep because of pain and exhaustion in the back of the Uber. "Hey, I know we joke about it, but I hope I didn't come on too strong—"

"No, dude. No. You didn't. I was an idiot who didn't tell you what was up," Jaehyun says firmly. "It was my bad, all the way." He swallows, trying to wet his parched throat, and cracks a smile. "You know how much I like attention."

"Yes," Yuta agrees, gaze unbroken, studying Jaehyun's face. "I do."

Yuta's stare, while lacking any sort of judgement, has Jaehyun regretting every word he's saying but struggling to fill the silence anyway. He wants to make it a joke, but it's not a joke, even if it's not a huge deal. Yuta being queer is not something Jaehyun needs to keep at an arm's length for his own comfort. "I'm around a lot of people who aren't straight now, obviously. It's different for me, but it's not bad. And the flirting, it was flattering. Is flattering. It's just different."

"So you want me to flirt with you," Yuta says, point-blank, not joking around like he was the day of the football match. "Why?"

Jaehyun squirms, but then puts a halt to it, keeping himself totally still. "I don't know if I'd put it that way."

"Then how?"

"I just… I don't mind. I guess I get curious how I'm attractive to men. Uh. Sorry if that's weird."

Yuta is impassive, expression shuttered. Jaehyun worries, again, that he's messed this up. If he's fumbled Yuta's honest attempt at conversation and made it about himself and his fucking vanity. But then Yuta's tongue flickers out to his lip, and his expression dips into something assessing. "I can tell you how you're attractive, Jaehyun. If that's what you want."

His breath catches in his chest. "Uh, okay," he says dumbly.

"That night, I could tell how much you take care of yourself, how hard you work," Yuta says, the words low, twisting Jaehyun's stomach up in embarrassment and pleasure. "You're exquisite."

He pictures Yuta saying that to him the first night, if Jaehyun had extended the invitation to stay over. Jaehyun nearly whimpers.

"I didn't want you because of that, though," Yuta continues, and he lifts his hand slowly, obviously, giving Jaehyun a chance to bat it down or shake his head, and Jaehyun doesn't do either of those things. "Yes, I wanted your pretty mouth on my cock"—his thumb sweeps Jaehyun's lower lip, and his mouth parts like it's on a loaded spring—"but I wouldn't have said anything if you weren't so fucking _sweet_."

Jaehyun's whole body is on fire, and Yuta's thumb slips into his mouth, pressure against his teeth and then his tongue. He tastes salt, and he groans.

"Fuck," Yuta hisses, and kisses him fast and rough, ripping his hand away just in time.

Jaehyun pants against Yuta's lips, lets his tongue inside, and squeezes the pillow he's still holding so tight he thinks it might pop.

It doesn't feel like he thought it might. Kissing a man. It's good, a little rougher and sloppier, and Yuta's smell of citrus and sweat is unmistakable, but his skin is so soft, only the smallest suggestion of prickling stubble. Jaehyun, clumsy with shock and desire, tries to meet his tongue, to taste him in return, but Yuta moves back all of a sudden.

"I'm sorry," is all he says, as Jaehyun remembers how to close his mouth. "I should not have done that." He mutters in Japanese and scrubs over his face. "I need to go."

"You don't have to go," Jaehyun says, but he doesn't exactly mean it like Yuta should stay and they should keep kissing. He doesn't want Yuta to tear off into the night like there are dogs at his heels, and he doesn't want to be alone and have to think about what he did. "It's not a big deal."

"Say that when you're sober. I'm leaving, Jaehyun. Text me, I guess."

He's out of Jaehyun's bedroom in an instant. The sound of the front door closing comes so soon, Jaehyun wonders distantly if he even put his shoes on, or if he's letting the chilly pavement slap against his socked feet as he carries his Vans. If he stops a safe distance away from Jaehyun's house and puts them on in someone's yard. If he'll get home okay.

Jaehyun gets up and sets his bed in order, and in the bathroom, he washes his face and uses his toner and moisturizer. As he brushes his teeth, his reflection is white as a sheet with stubborn spots of color on his cheeks, his stupid ears red. He climbs into bed, ignoring the stiffness in his limbs, the way his cock still hasn't gone all the way limp.

 **Jaehyun:** I promise it's fine, we're good  
**Yuta:** OK  
**Yuta:** We can talk about it in the morning

They don't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies to Psi U Omega for the dragging in this chapter. I'm sure they're fine, as fraternities go. And, uh, apologies for RHOBH for calling out what addictive garbo it is, lolol.
> 
> The quinoa salad I mention Jaehyun eating is delicious and I've demanded my friend Rum make it and bring it to parties many times. Here's the recipe!
>
>> **RUM FAMILY QUINOA SALAD**  
>  Makes... a lot.
>> 
>> The base recipe calls for green onions, jalapeno, red bell pepper, and lime juice (no radishes or carrots), but I have made an onion-free version and just used whatever ingredients I had around. 
>> 
>> **Dry ingredients**  
>  4 cups cooked quinoa (I used my rice cooker but the package should have instructions)  
> 1 cup cilantro  
> 1 bell pepper  
> 1 can drained black beans (2 cups cooked black beans)  
> 3 sliced radishes  
> 3 carrots, julienned into matchsticks 
>> 
>> **Dressing ingredients**  
>  The juice of one lemon  
> 1/4 cup olive oil  
> 1 tsp cumin  
> 1 tsp sea salt
>> 
>> **Instructions**  
>  1\. Fold all the dry ingredients into the cooked quinoa until evenly distributed.  
> 2\. In a wide-mouthed, pint-sized ball/mason jar, add all the dressing ingredients. Seal the jar, then shake to emulsify. Pour the dressing over the quinoa, mix all together with a spatula until saturated. Keep in the refrigerator until quinoa is completely cool.
> 
> Follow me on twitter at [@sssneakiest](HTTP://twitter.com/sssneakiest)!! 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who waited so long for chapter three! Co-writing Take Yourself Home took up the majority of my brain space, but now it's done and I'm free to go back to slowly destroying Jaehyun's sense of self, haha. This one was… a lot. 
> 
> **Content note:** There's some extended descriptions of food in this chapter, and also gratuitous cameos. Jaehyun also makes the decision to go home with someone while drunk, but he does sober up to consent to sex.
> 
> As always, thank you to Tay for the fabulous beta, but also shoutout to Rum for helping me with all things Japanese food, and thanks to Mon, snarla, and signifying_nothing for their very good advice as I struggled with the [redacted] scene. Sometimes, it takes an army to realize your fic has outgrown its outline.

"Jaehyun-ah, do you want some?" Johnny's mom asks him, wielding a cake slicer like a surgical instrument.

He wasn't expecting to come home and find Mrs. Suh sitting at the dining room table, playing Go-Stop with Johnny and Mark, but it's not like he minds. Mrs. Suh is nice, and she usually provides delicious food Jaehyun shouldn't eat, like this cream cake—but he was looking forward to heading straight to his room and obsessing over his phone in privacy. Now, he's got to put in an effort to socialize, at least for a while. It's not ideal, given what a mess his head is.

He texted Yuta this morning, after four days of silence, his embarrassment having faded to the point where his impatience won out. Every notification since has made him tense, and he couldn't concentrate to take good notes during class earlier.

Yuta has yet to respond, and it's only noon, so Jaehyun's potentially in for a long, excruciating day of waiting. He might as well spend it eating cake and playing card games.

"Just a tiny slice," Jaehyun agrees.

"Saving room for dinner, smart choice," she says, nodding, and it gets him to laugh.

"Is Ten home soon?" he asks Johnny, who has probably the clearest idea of Ten's mercurial habits and teaching schedule. "He'll be sorry to miss out on 엄마 time."

"He should be back any minute," Johnny says, chin resting on his hand as he stares blissfully at Mark, who is head down, methodically eating his slice of cake and unaware of Johnny's scrutiny. "I told him last night Mom was coming over, but he had a thing he couldn't reschedule."

"I'll be here all day, there's no rush," Mrs. Suh says, shaking her head, but Jaehyun thinks she's privately pleased that the household—and Mark—is tripping over themselves to spend time with her, and eat her food. Her kimchi jjigae is almost as good as home.

She deposits a plate with a slice that in no way could be considered tiny in front of Jaehyun and gives him a pat on the shoulder.

"Ten's, like, practiced badugi like crazy since you beat him last time," Mark says, pushing his now-empty plate away and making a noise of contentment. "I think he's convinced himself he has a shot."

The previous badugi showdown lasted until one a.m. Ten should have known better than to snow against a seasoned player like Mrs. Suh, who also trounced her beloved only son and took all of his cash with no remorse. Ten typically picks up hobbies and discards them within days, weeks at most, so for him to keep up with badugi strategy since that visit months ago tells Jaehyun a lot.

Jaehyun's tried to teach Ten rules of basketball (Ten only wanted to play HORSE and left after he lost one round); how to play shooters (he screamed when his controller vibrated, dropped it, and got sniped within the span of fifteen seconds, and as an added bonus, Donghyuck's Pepsi came out of his nose and went all over the couch); how to cook a Thai dish he's complained about missing (something went wrong with the spices, and it turned out too bitter to eat); and a handful of other failed endeavors (Jaehyun will never again make the mistake of trying to teach Ten to drive). The only thing Ten seems to retain is the rules to drinking games.

"I'm hooooome," Ten calls out from the entryway, as if Jaehyun summoned him, and he feels a little relief that he won't have to carry so much conversation.

There's some oddly loud shuffling, and Ten scurries into the kitchen wearing head-to-toe athleisure, including pants that snap up the sides and seem to be made out of windbreaker material. He beams at everyone, goes to get squeezed and declared too skinny by Mrs. Suh, and gasps when he sees the cake. "Oh, I've had dreams about this cake!"

Mrs. Suh cuts him a slice and shoos him to the table, and Jaehyun goes back to staring at his phone. It's rude, he has better manners than this, but hopefully Ten is a big enough distraction that no one will notice.

He can't believe this has dragged out for days. That _he_ took days to man up. But every time he opened his text messages with Yuta, every time he tried to think of something to say—to laugh it off, or to pretend it never happened, or even to apologize—he flashed back to the stupid noises he made, how dumb he must have looked with Yuta's fingers in his mouth, the way he let Yuta run off into the night like a thief. The whole thing is humiliating.

What's worse, though, than the burn of embarrassment for being a drunk fucking weirdo, is the idea that this could be the end of his friendship with Yuta. It's not quite been two months since they met, but Yuta's shot up the ranks of Jaehyun's favorite people. He thought they had an understanding. No, he _knows_ they do, that Yuta gets him and he gets Yuta, and that the mistake, or aberration, brought on by too much alcohol doesn't have to stand in the way of that.

If anything, this whole saga has let Jaehyun know how badly he needs to get laid. He's been too distracted by the Yuta thing hanging over his head to do anything about that, but it's not like it's a hard problem to solve. Jaehyun's still got Tinder installed, a tried and true resource, and he's lucky to live in an area teeming with high-quality bars.

"Oh, Mama Suh, I've been practicing badugi. Fair warning, I'm gonna earn back that forty dollars," Ten declares, and then starts demanding to know why everyone's laughing at him.

"Dude, you're crazy if you think you can beat her, sorry," Mark says.

Jaehyun forks up a bite of the cake and nearly moans from how perfectly tender it is, how light and fluffy the cream. He's asked for her recipe and tried to recreate it, but he's not much of a baker, better with savory things and less exact measurements.

"I'm looking forward to watching you try," Johnny adds. "Jaehyun, you down?"

Jaehyun finishes chewing and smiles. "Not this round. But, uh, if anyone wants to take the bet, I'll put fifty on Mrs. Suh."

Ten makes an aggrieved noise and shoves cake into his face at speed.

"Ten, don't chew like that, you'll choke," Mrs. Suh says, sitting down next to Johnny, across from Jaehyun. She procured a deck of cards from somewhere and is shuffling them with clear expertise. "I appreciate your confidence, Jaehyun-ah, but I think we have enough excitement with the regular pot."

"Fair enough," Jaehyun says, and backs out of his text log with Yuta to watch this go down. Ten's going to be wailing by the end of it.

"I'll deal," Johnny offers, collecting the deck from her. "Just Mom and Ten?" he asks, and Mark nods enthusiastically, already proven to be a terrible bluffer and probably eager to sit this out so he doesn't lose money he can't afford. Jaehyun offered to spot him last time, but Mark laughed him off.

Jaehyun's never played badugi with his family—they're more of a Go group—but he can't imagine them getting up to all the trash talk and wild cackling that ensues whenever Mrs. Suh joins them. They've gone through a few different card games and found badugi is the most fun and ends in the least amount of bloodshed; the household collectively agreed to ban a solitaire game Mark introduced called Pounce after Donghyuck hissed like a furious goose at Ten and Ten accidentally gouged Mrs. Suh with a nail in his hurry to slap his card down first. In comparison with that, and all of the shouting, the drama of badugi is minor.

Given that it's the middle of the day and everyone's full of cake and not liquor, there's a chance this session will be even less chaotic than the inebriated ones that have come before.

After the blinds are settled, Ten and Mrs. Suh play in relative silence. Ten's squinting at his hand while Mrs. Suh has the most stony poker face Jaehyun's seen outside of a board room. Within a few minutes, Jaehyun's nearly forgotten the nagging voice in the back of his head whispering Yuta's name as he watches their terse drawing round, and he's laughing along with Mark when Ten obviously tries to snow.

Then his phone buzzes, rattling on the table, and he scoops it up to end the distraction. Instinct has him glance down at his notifications. He sees he has a text and makes to put his phone in his pocket, but his brain catches up with his eyes. The lingering taste of cake in Jaehyun's mouth turns sour.

It was Yuta. Yuta texted him back.

 **Jaehyun:** Hey, just wanted to make sure we're cool?  
**Yuta:** Sorry just woke up  
**Yuta:** I'm cool  
**Yuta:** I understand if you aren't though

The sounds of the game fade from Jaehyun's awareness, and he chews his lower lip as he types.

 **Jaehyun:** Why wouldn't I be?

Reading that back, a reply half-thought out because he knows Yuta's probably staring at his phone in trepidation the same as Jaehyun is, makes him want to bang the table in frustration. He could have spent five more seconds coming up with something less awful, but no, impulse won out.

He should probably excuse himself from the table and call Yuta instead of relying on the ambiguity of text. The idea of opening his mouth and apologizing for his drunk bullshit is horrifying, though. This, however awkward, is the easier choice.

Yuta takes a minute or so to respond, and Jaehyun drafts a few things he doesn't send, wary of being too hasty again.

 **Yuta:** I was inappropriate and I am sorry

He hears them betting again, but it's like it's noise coming from another room. Unimportant, easy to filter out.

 **Jaehyun:** If you're sorry then I'm sorry too  
**Jaehyun:** I could have told you to fuck off

He waits, again, for Yuta's slow reply.

 **Yuta:** You would never say that  
**Yuta:** But OK, I get what you mean  
**Jaehyun:** We were both drunk so I don't think we need to beat ourselves up about it  
**Yuta:** Sure

He jerks when a gentle touch to his arm drags him out of his phone and back to reality. It's Mark, leaning in as Johnny collects everyone's cards and starts shuffling again. Fuck, he missed everything, including the showdown, but a glance to Ten's slumped shoulders and tiny, rueful grin tells him it ended the way he thought it would.

"You okay?" Mark asks.

"I'm, ah, fine," Jaehyun says, voice strained and betraying him, and he clears his throat too loudly. "Just… tying up some loose ends."

Mark gives him a skeptical look but shrugs, and his eyes dart to Jaehyun's plate with its barely touched slice of cake. Wordlessly, Jaehyun slides it over to him, and Mark slaps his shoulder in thanks.

"Are you and Yuta still fighting?" Johnny asks, and Jaehyun whips his head to stare at him. He's already so rattled by the conversation with Yuta, still unresolved in his hand, that he feels ill-equipped for whatever Johnny's up to. He's wearing a mild expression, almost kind, and Jaehyun hates it.

"How did you know?" he asks, rather than trying to deny it when he's already this far in.

"The group chat went _dead_ , dude. I sent a meme and Yuta didn't even reply with a sticker. One minute, he was everywhere, and then next…" Johnny gives an exaggerated shrug.

The _one time_ Johnny's observant beyond his bubble of domestic happiness and work.

"You're fighting with Yuta?" Ten asks. He's eating his remaining cake like a normal person now, one delicate bite at a time. He's gotten over his devastating loss quicker than usual, or else Jaehyun's drama is a shiny distraction.

"We weren't fighting," Jaehyun protests, but giving them even that much is paining him. This isn't their business, though obviously they were Yuta's friends first and he can't fault them for curiosity. "It was a dumb misunderstanding. I'm handling it."

Johnny shoots him an unreadable look. "Well, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Ten or I could talk to him—"

Mrs. Suh taps Johnny's arm, and she cuts him a stern look when he glances over at her.

"What, Mom, I can _offer_ —"

"He is an adult, John-ah. I'm sure he's capable of asking for help if he needs it."

"I am, thank you," Jaehyun says, and corrals some of his nervous energy into producing a genuine smile. He does appreciate the offer, even though the image of Johnny going to Yuta and trying to mediate their _misunderstanding_ gives him hives. "I've got it, dude, don't worry."

"Yuta's a kitten," Ten says, licking white cream from his fork, and Jaehyun looks away, hurriedly checking his texts again. Yuta's still left him hanging with that _Sure_. "Give him a few days and it'll be like nothing happened."

Jaehyun catches himself before he snorts. "Yeah, seems like."

 **Jaehyun:** I still want to be your friend in case that isn't clear  
**Jaehyun:** It doesn't change anything for me

"Do we want to play again?" Mrs. Suh asks. "Another round before I start on dinner?"

"Aww, you really don't need to make us dinner too," Mark says. "You're the guest. You should be taking it easy."

"Mark, angel, I love you, I really do, but if you stand between me and Mama Suh's kimchi stew, I'm going to put Nair in my favorite conditioner. You know, the one you keep using?" Ten says sweetly.

"Uh, haha, oops?"

"I look forward to these visits because I get to cook for a group," Mrs. Suh says. "At home, it's just Johnny's 아빠 and I eating the same four dishes, or sometimes the cousins come by."

"I wouldn't mind playing," Jaehyun says. If Yuta's going to lapse into silence again, he'll need to keep himself occupied so he doesn't climb the walls.

If badugi fails to distract him, there's always parkouring through the neighborhood in his house slippers and jeans. Jaehyun smiles to himself—normal to anyone who sees it, grim inside the safety of his own head.

"Great, I'll deal," Mrs. Suh says. "How perfect. I've been meaning to take a spa day, and this will pay for it."

Mark groans, and Ten laughs, setting aside his plate and drumming his fingers on the table excitedly. "Jaehyun is the only one who might actually beat her," he says. "Can I bet on Jaehyun?"

"Again, no bets outside the pot," Mrs. Suh says, the cards making shapes in her hands and then collapsing in the next second.

Ten tried to learn card tricks too, Jaehyun remembers. That lasted three days.

 **Yuta:** If you're sure then OK  
**Yuta:** I really like being friends with you  
**Jaehyun:** I'm sure  
**Jaehyun:** I promise we're good. I'm not going to get weird about it  
**Yuta:** 😊 OK me too

Jaehyun reins in a visible reaction, but he keeps rereading what Yuta sent to make sure it's real and not something his desperate brain came up with. But it's true, all of it, even the reemergence of Yuta's propensity for cute emojis.

The nervous energy in his body seems stumped, cautiously edging toward relief and delight. He does still want to run around the neighborhood like an excited dog, but he'll have to content himself with cards.

"Jaehyun-ah, ready?" Mrs. Suh asks, and Jaehyun nods.

When he checks his phone one last time before he tucks it away for the duration of the game, though, he realizes he's not quite done.

 **Yuta:** I just realized this means I can invite you to my birthday party!!!!!!!!!  
**Yuta:** Jaehyun come to my birthday party, it's the Friday before 🎃👻🍬

Jaehyun covers his smile with a hand and feels the burden of the last four days finally, finally slide off his shoulders.

 **Jaehyun:** Wouldn't miss it  
**Yuta:** Good!!  
**Yuta:** You have to wear a costume though  
**Jaehyun:** Wait, what

\---

As predicted, Addison is about as useful a project partner as a computer virus. Their deadline is fast approaching, and Addison's gotten harder to pin down, sending Jaehyun vague "working on some cool shit" text messages in lieu of actual updates. Jaehyun finally succumbs to inevitability and meets him in a campus coffee shop after class.

"Did you get a chance to look at the sources I sent you?" Addison asks.

"The ones you sent in September?" Jaehyun checks, to be sure.

"Yeah, I added some more, you'll want to keep up with the file."

"Will do. But listen, I think at this point we need to do some serious delegation."

"Right on. Efficiency, I love it."

"So I can do all the boring fiddly shit, but I'm gonna need you to come through with the media files and that worksheet thing." He already knows someone like Addison isn't going to want to do drudge work, but he also doesn't trust Addison to handle collecting sources after the strange document he emailed contained four YouTube videos and a link to a business website that Jaehyun's pretty sure is a pyramid scheme. "These are, like, fucking crucial, dude," he says, leaning in. "I'm giving you a lot, so let me know if you can't do it alone."

Jaehyun could collect the necessary materials and fill out that worksheet fifteen minutes before their presentation, but he's not letting on to that.

"No, totally, I'm a one-man army. When do you need it by?"

"Uh, end of next week," Jaehyun says. Their presentation is the Monday after, and if Addison lives up to his flaky precedent, that deadline gives Jaehyun time to fix everything up beforehand.

"Got it." He makes a show of jabbing the reminder into his calendar, and Jaehyun heaves an internal sigh of relief that he's done his due diligence by assigning Addison something to do to make him feel useful as well as planned to do the work should Addison fall short. Like his mother says, plan for every possible failure. "I looked at the doc you sent me, lots of good shit."

"Thanks, I was really inspired by those vlogs you sent," Jaehyun says, taking a sip of his smoothie and covertly checking the time. He's meant to meet Yuta, Johnny, and Ten at the Field House on campus for racquetball within the hour. Addison spent twenty minutes filling Jaehyun in on his trip back home and how his advisor is still refusing to work with him before they even got down to business.

"I've thought about starting my own channel, you know, see if I can't get in on that influencer gravy train."

"You should go for it," Jaehyun says. "If they can do it, fuck, why can't you?"

"Exactly, dude." Addison smiles at him, and Jaehyun thinks it's the happiest he's seen Addison look, the most unguarded. Jaehyun smiles back. "Hey, before I get out of here, did you get an invite to the Alpha Delt Halloween party?"

"Maybe, I dunno, I haven't checked Facebook in a hot minute." He starts putting his laptop and papers away, since Addison's all but given him the go-ahead that their meeting is over. Thirty minutes of a meeting, all for five minutes of half-assed plans. "Why, what's up?"

"I know I'm not, like, _in_ Alpha Delt, but all my friends and half the guys from the program are, and you should show your face there, dude. It's gonna be massive, and we never see you at shit anymore."

"Is it on Halloween?" It would probably be good for him to put in an appearance, even if the last frat party he attended ended up with he and Yuta escaping and breaking into a church yard. Half his reasoning for coming to the States for university was networking, and he let that fall to pieces after Lela, since she has deeper roots in Greek life than Jaehyun. He likes a lot of the guys from his program, though, and Alpha Delt is big enough he might not run across Lela again.

"Nah, it's on Friday. Halloween's on a Sunday this year, and no one wants to show up to class the next day half-dead. This way, we get two days of recuperation."

"Oh man, I don't think I can. A friend's birthday is on Friday."

"Well, shit, you can bring your friend."

"I really can't, he's got VIP at a club and we're all supposed to wear costumes," Jaehyun says, shaking his head and grimacing through a smile. He isn't exactly sold on the costumes, but he's not about to tell Yuta that. "Thanks for the invite, though. I'll hit up the next one."

Addison cocks his head and runs his tongue over his lower lip like he's thinking. The weight of his gaze feels almost tangible. "It's Yuta's party, right? I heard about that. He rented out a club or something."

"Yes," Jaehyun says. Amazing, really, how fast word travels.

"Ah, yeah, I get it, then, if it's Yuta." He smiles at Jaehyun and doesn't say anything else on the subject, though it's stuck in Jaehyun like a thorn, what he _gets_. "Have a good time, dude."

"I'm sure I will."

Addison strolls out of the cafe, but Jaehyun sits at the table, wondering what people have been saying to fill the void of his absence. Especially Lela.

He can't stew for too long, though, since he's got to get to the Field House and change in time for racquetball. Eventually, he makes himself get up and clear the table, checking his phone on his way to the car to see Ten texted him like four times asking about where to store his stuff.

A game will do him good. He has energy to burn off, and this gossip bullshit doesn't deserve any more space in Jaehyun's head than it's already taken up.

\---

Jaehyun severely miscalculated the racquetball teams. He thought a game of doubles, with he and Yuta facing off against Johnny and Ten, would be an almost embarrassingly easy win. He even considered offering to switch partners to give Ten any kind of a shot, but he wasn't thrilled about the idea of playing against Johnny _and_ Yuta, who he assumed would be a threat.

Yeah, hindsight, twenty-twenty, and all that.

Drenched with sweat, thighs and arms aching, and with the backs of his specialty sneakers scuffed with how many times Yuta managed to run into him, Jaehyun watches Johnny pick Ten up and spin him around in victory.

It turns out that Ten's such a natural athlete that, after five minutes, he picks up a game Jaehyun's been playing for three years and destroys him at it while only half certain of the rules. A few of the times he scored, he looked back at Johnny in confusion, got confirmation that yes, his catlike reflexes did indeed prevail, and then snapped back around to beam brightly at his opponents.

"Oh, yay, another one," he said, when he unknowingly won the final point.

Yuta, on the other hand, seemed completely bamboozled by the concept of the game and kept hugging the side wall, which meant he took multiple balls and racquets to various limbs. Once he _finally_ picked up on the wall being bad news, he stuck to Jaehyun's back like glue, leaving the right half of the court wide open.

It was really between Ten and Jaehyun, in the end; Johnny's not very competitive and spent most of the game laughing at Yuta's utter failure and lack of coordination. Yuta, well. At least he can't be faulted for enthusiasm. He cheered after anyone scored a point, including their opponents.

"Good game," Yuta says, coming over to tap racquets with Johnny and Ten after Johnny's set Ten back down on his own two feet. "Sorry about when I hit you."

"No worries," Johnny says, wiping his forehead with his forearm. "I'm just happy the vibes are back, baby."

"The vibes?" Jaehyun regrets opening his mouth and asking the moment he does. He's not a poor loser, at least not most of the time, but he is regretting every life decision that led him to doubting Ten's prowess and feeling confident of Yuta's.

He's already worried about what kind of havoc Yuta could bring to the pick-up basketball Jaehyun and Mark play during summer. It's possible Yuta's athleticism only extends to footfall and hiking and beer pong. Will he forget to dribble? Will he shoot into the wrong damn hoop?

"You know, man, they were off for a little while there. But they're good again."

Yuta's taken off his goggles, and there's lines around his eyes from how tight they were. It makes Jaehyun want to laugh, despite how he's still nursing a case of loser's disgruntlement and feeling on edge because Johnny's treading in dangerous territory. Yuta and Jaehyun have only barely talked about it via text; mentioning it in the open like this feels like swearing in church.

"I told Jaehyun you're all bark and no bite." Ten sips from the hydroflask Jaehyhun got him because he kept asking weird questions about Jaehyun's. He covered it with stickers that have half-peeled off from all the washing.

"Hey," Yuta says, faking affront. His skinny, sweaty arm hooks around Jaehyun's shoulder and neck, tucking him into Yuta's side. "My vibes are pristine. And you _know_ I do bite, Ten."

Ten grins ferally before he swigs more water, and Jaehyun feels an out-of-place chill run up his spine, given that the court is heated and he's still burning up from expending so much energy.

It hasn't gotten any less weird that Yuta and Ten fucked and now it's some kind of inside joke between them. But whatever.

"We're all good, the vibes are good, so can we go hit the showers or do I have to smell like a used jock all day?" Jaehyun asks, impatient, pulling away from Yuta's hold.

"Mmmm, evocative," Johnny says, wrinkling his nose. He suddenly stoops to pick up Ten again. "Last one in the showers buys lunch," he shouts, as Ten screams and wraps his legs around Johnny's waist, hydroflask jostling around in his hand. They can hear his laughter trailing off after the door to the court bangs closed behind them.

"Did you tell them?" Yuta asks casually, taking slow, meandering steps to the exit.

Jaehyun finishes collecting the racquets under his arm, then joins Yuta on his stroll to the door. "Shit, of course I didn't." He plays it as cool as Yuta does, though his heart thuds hard, freaked out even though there's no one around to hear them. He can't believe they're talking about this, but if he wants their friendship to continue, they have to both be adults about it. "I said there was a misunderstanding."

"Yeah, I thought so." Yuta hums and gestures for Jaehyun to go first. Jaehyun can't read him, and it's disappointing that he can't. Yuta's like an open book until he slams shut and Jaehyun's faced with his smiling, bland cover. "You go first. I don't mind buying lunch."

By the time they've all piled out of the showers and into Jaehyun's car, and Jaehyun's seen _all_ of Ten's tattoos unimpeded, things are less strained. Group nudity tends to do that. Yuta sits in the front passenger seat and blasts Japanese metal, while Ten forgoes a seatbelt to lean forward and yell in his ear about visual kei despite Jaehyun's forceful objections.

When Jaehyun lifts one hand from the steering wheel to gently but insistently shove Ten's head away, Yuta laughs, loud and genuine, and the lingering unease from the loss and that weird moment on the court finally dissipates.

They're fine. They're all adults, and Jaehyun's not giving up on the best friend he's ever had so easily.

\---

It's a little over a week until Yuta's birthday proper, and while Yuta made a lot of noise about not accepting gifts, Jaehyun's incapable of not getting him one. It's not even his hard-wired etiquette; he wants to give Yuta something as a token of appreciation, of their friendship, for agreeing to stick it out after things got weird.

He's stumped on what to get, though. Back home, his mother's assistant does all of the gift buying, used to these sorts of puzzles. And Yuta's a puzzle. For one, he's fairly frugal for all the money he has; his biggest expenditure is probably his apartment. He's not the type to go out and impulse buy, beyond new earrings or a pair of boots. He likes fashion, but he's picky about it, mixing high and low and changing styles almost every day to boot, and Jaehyun doesn't want to embarrass himself with a bad guess. He likes football, but Jaehyun's not a big enough fan to know what choice merchandise he should look for. He likes manga, but Jaehyun doesn't know what he collects.

If he asks Yuta point-blank what he wants, Yuta will shut him down and remind him that he's banned birthday presents. "Everyone's gift to me is putting effort into their Yutaween costumes!!!!!!" was his final word on the subject.

Jaehyun was watching YouTube cooking videos when he realized the answer was right in front of him: something unique, hand-made. Something Yuta couldn't bring himself to turn down.

The issue is Jaehyun has no idea what sort of food from home Yuta craves and can't get in Chicago. He's seen him wince at the take-out sushi Ten and Johnny have brought home, and he's quietly vetoed outings to the nicest Japanese steakhouse in the city, so he's clearly picky, but it's not like he monologues about all the dishes he misses from home. Jaehyun saw leftover okonomiyaki in his fridge once, and Jaehyun's made that a time or two with whatever's on hand, but he needs to find something that takes more effort.

He wants to make Yuta something special, something that might be hard to nail. Something he'll have to work at to perfect. It might be a fool's errand, but once he's got the idea, it won't leave him. Jaehyun's very aware of the importance of the hand's touch in food; it's why he cooks for himself so much versus ordering in, and why he gets choked up eating Mrs. Suh's kimchi jjigae every single time. The taste, the vibe, of home-cooked food can't be replicated even in the best restaurants.

So Jaehyun sets himself to finding the right dish. When he Googles what Japanese expats miss the most, he ends up with a Notes app list of fifteen items and no idea how to choose.

Jaehyun figures if he can't ask Yuta and give the game away, he can find someone else. He knows quite a few Japanese students from the program and KDPhi, but he's not especially close to any of them. Given how fast gossip travels, he doesn't want to send any eyebrows raising if people do the simple math of why Jaehyun's asking for advice about Japanese comfort foods. After his run-in with Lela, and Addison's weird comment about Yuta, he doesn't need to add fuel to the fire of speculation.

Three days into his grand plan, he nearly gives up, but then an offhand comment Ten makes about one of his dance disciples gives him some hope.

"This might be weird," Jaehyun says, apropos of nothing as far as Ten's concerned, and Ten lifts his head from looking at his phone with a very intrigued expression.

"I love weird."

"I know you do." Preparing to say this out loud only drives home how awkward and ill-conceived this is. He hopes Ten doesn't think it's too much. "Your, uh, protege, Shotaro. He's from Japan, yeah?"

"Yes?" Ten says, expression turning to confusion. "He's not my protege, but I can confirm he exists and is from, like, Tokyo." Jaehyun knows he's from Tokyo, given how much excited screaming Ten did over his TikToks last year when he found out Shotaro was coming to UChicago. ("He was a backup dancer for Gackt, angel! God, the stories he's got to have." "Uh, who?" was Mark's contribution to the conversation, which devolved into chaos after Ten's horrified gasp.)

"Do you think he'd help me figure out a dish to make for Yuta's birthday?"

Ten's phone falls to his lap as both hands come up to cover his mouth. Jaehyun cringes, visibly.

"Forget I said anything," Jaehyun says, standing up from the couch and collecting his empty mineral water bottle. "It was a bad idea, I knew I shouldn't have—"

"This is the _best idea you've ever had_ ," Ten yells. "Fuck!"

And that's how Jaehyun ends up lurking near the door for the last five minutes of Ten's workshop, watching him lead with strict counts in a loud voice that bounces off the walls and fills the entire space, even over the music. He's like a tornado or something, unstoppable, spotting every flaw despite rarely glancing at the mirrored wall showing the students behind him. Jaehyun's seen Ten dance, though not in a production or anything, just in videos Ten makes Johnny film for the YouTube channel he remembers exists every six months, and then of course all over the house.

Still, this is the first time he feels like he's seeing Ten in his natural habitat, in complete control, utterly focused. It brings to mind how easily and brutally he slaughtered at racquetball, once he got the hang of it. Ten looks like a pixie, but he's actually a shark.

Then it's all over, and Ten leads everyone through cooldown stretches, contorting himself into the usual impossible poses he likes to assume on the living room floor. This part Jaehyun's used to, at least.

"Okayyyy," Ten says, once he's standing again and brushing off the knees of his sweatpants. "That's it for today. Please come back next week! Mira, bring your friend and remember to tape your shoulder, sweetie."

Ten gives Jaehyun a little wave when he sees him, and people start clearing out of the room much faster than he was betting on; Jaehyun ends up squished against the wall as sweaty dancers, chatting and gulping down water, exit in a herd.

"Damn," Jaehyun says, once it's him and Ten, who is tying his sweatshirt around his waist right where his cut-off T-shirt hits. "Do they usually exit in a stampede?"

"Places to go," Ten shrugs, and grabs Jaehyun by the wrist with a very warm hand as he slings his messenger bag over his shoulder. "And these rooms are usually booked solid all day, so it's bad manners to just hang out."

"Are we going to be messing up Shotaro's plans?" Jaehyun asks, though Ten seems to be ignoring him entirely, popping onto his toes to get a better look at the people milling around the hallway he's guiding them both through. "Ten, seriously, I don't want to be a pain in the ass—"

"There he is!" Ten says, yanking Jaehyun along as he moves even faster, fingers tight around Jaehyun's wrist bone. Jaehyun squints to see a short boy who vaguely matches the impression he has of Shotaro. "Taro!"

The kid—Jaehyun sees all undergrads as barely crawling infants at this point, especially when they're this small—looks up, and his eyes widen when he notices Ten. Or maybe when he notices Ten is barreling toward him with a whole human in tow, to be specific.

"Hello," he says cautiously, once Ten's stalled to a stop in front of him, eyes still saucers.

"Hi, Shotaro, right? I'm Jaehyun, Ten's roommate," he says, taking advantage of what he assumes is the same Ten hero worship he usually encounters on campus.

Shotaro nods and bites his lip, looking between Jaehyun and Ten with mounting confusion.

"He doesn't bite, I promise," Ten says, and shoves Jaehyun in front of him, giving him a pat on the back as encouragement. He steps two paces away to give them the illusion of privacy.

Jaehyun smiles widely in a way that maximizes his dimples. "I promise too. I just had a question for you, and I was wondering if you could help me out? It's nothing serious," he clarifies, when Shotaro glances over at Ten and then at Jaehyun with the smallest of lines between his brows.

"Yes, of course, if I can help I'm happy to," he says.

"Such a polite boy," Ten sighs from his nearby lounge against the wall. It makes Shotaro smile bashfully, though it's clearly distracting him.

"My friend's birthday is coming up, and I wanted to make him something special. He's from Osaka," Jaehyun adds, when Shotaro stares up at him blankly. His face smooths into understanding, and potentially even relief. "Is there any food you really, really miss that you can't get in America?"

"Ah," Shotaro says, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yes, I can help with this. But, um, I don't know what kind of food your friend likes—"

"He eats anything," Ten chimes in. "Seriously, I use him as a garbage disposal sometimes."

That's true enough. Yuta and Mark will absolutely demolish whatever food is left at the end of a meal. Aside from the fact that Yuta eschews Americanized Japanese food and moderate spice, he's shown no hesitation to try, and finish, anything. Jaehyun once watched him drop a piece of toast on his floor, shrug, pick it up, and eat it.

"I know it's a difficult ask, and I'm probably going to have to practice whatever dish a few times to nail it, but if there's something, anything, that comes to mind, let me know."

Shotaro worries his lower lip, thinking. "Everything I like is either too simple or very hard to find in America, I'm sorry."

"Let me worry about sourcing ingredients. Just tell me what foods you miss."

A slow, shy smile spreads across Shotaro's face. "Then… how much time do you have?"

"As much time as _you_ have," Jaehyun says, grinning.

He's caught an opportunity in his net now, and short of Shotaro having the world's worst taste, he thinks he's going to be able to pull this off.

\---

"Wait, your friend is Yuta-san? Oh!" Shotaro says, the straw to his boba tea having dropped out of his mouth in shock.

Ten's silently third-wheeling their brainstorming session in the cafe, even though he's got to be glazed in dried sweat; Jaehyun owes him for this one. He's bought everyone their drinks as a start, and the cookie Ten seemed interested in, and has a brand-new Notes page open with Shotaro's list of suggestions.

"You know Yuta?"

"Yeah, he's in the Japan club too. He's taken good care of me," he says, almost too eagerly, as though Jaehyun's going to doubt the strength of that connection.

The school has over sixteen thousand students, yet Jaehyun keeps finding himself in social nets with people who already know each other.

"Has he mentioned any food he likes? Even a dessert or a candy or something."

"He called himself a Takoyaki Prince, but he was also drunk and burned them all," Shotaro says, laughing quietly. Jaehyun can picture it vividly, up to and including Yuta's squawking when he realizes. "I saw him eating natto once too," he adds with a mild grimace.

Jaehyun takes more notes. At this rate, he's going to end up putting together some kind of hodgepodge feast, but maybe he'll increase his chances of making something genuinely good if he doesn't stick to one dish.

"Does he like uni?"

"Who doesn't?" Ten asks lazily, breaking his extended silence at last. "So I just saved you the drama of all this guessing game by asking him. You can thank me later."

" _Ten_."

Ten raises a hand to cut off any objection, smiling winningly. "I promise he doesn't suspect a thing. I told him I was flirting with a cute Japanese boy and wanted to know what kind of Japanese food is, like, actually good to a native so I can impress him. Behold." He lifts up his phone and shows Jaehyun Yuta's bullet-pointed list of foods with scattered commentary, some of which are already things Shotaro suggested.

"I can't decide if you're a genius or the worst person I've ever met," Jaehyun says, rubbing his temples for show and holding back a grin because Ten really did come through for him on this.

"I'm both, sweetheart," Ten says, and Shotaro giggles.

"I guess you don't need me after all. Thank you for the drink, though." Shotaro lifts his half-finished boba and waggles it.

"Actually," Jaehyun says, tilting his head, "I may have another favor to ask. I'm going to need help sourcing recipes—"

"Oh, yes, of course, I can help with that."

"And maybe with tasting them? To make sure I'm not wildly off base?"

"Say yes to the free food, Taro," Ten says in a sharp whisper, nudging the kid in the ribs. "Jaehyun's a really good chef. You probably won't die."

"You _definitely_ won't die."

"Um, I would love to," Shotaro starts, looking like he'll fall over if Jaehyun or Ten sends another surprise his way, but Jaehyun thinks he does see the college-student gleam of _free food_ in his eye. "If you're sure you want me to?"

"Positive," Jaehyun says. "I'll get you an Uber to my place whenever you're free later this week, and we'll see how I do with, uh..." Jaehyun looks at his list and locates the first dish he recognizes that Yuta also mentioned. "Ochazuke?"

"Oh, I haven't had it in forever," Shotaro exclaims, and Ten smiles at him and offers him a bite of his cookie.

\---

By his second attempt, Jaehyun's daifuku are the right consistency and only slightly misshapen. Shotaro, too polite to lean against the kitchen island even though Donghyuck is literally sitting on it, bites into Jaehyun's latest and makes an approving noise.

"It's really good," he says, giving a thumbs up. "But I think we should stick to other fruits since strawberry is out of season."

"Yeah, they really are the weak link. They've got almost no taste," Jaehyun sighs.

He's got some potential ingredients on the way, but he did order from an imported goods website almost entirely in Japanese, so it's fifty-fifty as to whether the package will actually show up. If it does, he'll make some flavors of regular mochi instead of daifuku; if it doesn't, he'll stop by a market and grab the freshest-looking fruit for sale that day. Mind made up, Jaehyun licks red bean paste from his finger in satisfaction and then washes his hands clean of potato starch at the sink.

Donghyuck hops off the island to grab another piece. He heard about Jaehyun's culinary mission from Mark (who heard it from Ten) and has insisted on being present for all of the taste testing because, in his words, "Shotaro would eat a mouthful of sand and compliment you on it." Donghyuck has not been stingy with his criticism. Shotaro's face gives away what he thinks, even if he's very polite about telling Jaehyun where he fell short.

"I like this better than the other mochi you made," Donghyuck declares. Shotaro gestures to his lower lip, where there's smears of paste, and Donghyuck catches it with his tongue. "And this one actually _looks_ edible, which is an improvement."

"You're welcome to try making it since you seem to think it's so easy," Jaehyun says mildly.

Donghyuck shrugs. "No, thanks, I have enough going on in my life already without becoming a pastry chef too."

"Feel free to eat the rest, guys, I need to get started on the next dish."

Donghyuck shoves another piece into his mouth, cheek bulging, and magnanimously passes one to Shotaro. "Can I have the rest of the strawberries in the fridge?" he asks once he's chewed and swallowed.

"No idea why you'd want them, but sure."

Jaehyun's audience fades into background noise as he works, checking the cookbooks he bought and the recipe Shotaro's mom sent that Shotaro painstakingly translated. It isn't that hard, not if he follows Shotaro's mom's instructions.

Once he's got everything almost boiling, he glances back to see Donghyuck showing Shotaro something on his phone, Shotaro leaning up against his shoulder. That's progress. While Donghyuck doesn't seem to intimidate Shotaro as much as Ten does, he still makes Shotaro freeze up like a busted animatronic sometimes. This visit is already a marked improvement on the last, though Jaehyun is careful not to let Donghyuck get too loud, since Shotaro is so shy.

He's nearly done when he hears the front door close and Johnny and Mark's voices in the entryway. Jaehyun's quick to finish up and turn on the rice cooker, after he portions enough to account for five mouths to feed instead of three.

On second thought, he adds enough rice for six, in case Ten decides to make an appearance.

"I _told you_ your mom was going to buy you that soup pot if you mentioned it. That's, like, Mom 101."

"Dude, I could mention things I want all day and she'd just be like, _Oh, that's nice, John-ah, you should see if they go on sale_ , but I mention a fucking soup pot once and she buys it for me?"

Jaehyun hears the rustle of coats going into the closet and boots thunking onto the floor.

"It's way useful, not one of those gadgets you like to collect," Mark scoffs. "I dunno, babe, I think this might be a you-thing, not a her-thing."

"So what the fuck am I going to get her for Christmas now? I can't exactly regift her the soup pot she just bought me."

"You could say they're matching?" Mark tries, after a long beat. "Mother-son soup pots?"

The two of them tromp by the kitchen on their way to the living room, and Mark gives a double-take at seeing Donghyuck and Shotaro, who Jaehyun isn't sure Mark has even met, in the kitchen.

"Hyuck? What are you doing here?"

"Helping Jaehyun solidify his bromance with Yuta," Donghyuck says, garbled by shoving the last daifuku into his mouth. Jaehyun pushes back irritation, knowing this is Donghyuck being Donghyuck and not anything pointed. "Also, way to be fucking rude." He gestures with a flourish at Shotaro. "This is Shotaro."

"Hey, dude, I'm Mark." Mark comes into the kitchen to dap Shotaro up, which Jaehyun braces for ending in awkward failure but actually goes pretty well. It's the first sign he's seen of the kid bursting with swagger (and hip thrusts) Ten showed him on TikTok. "I'm Johnny's boyfriend," he says, thumbing over his shoulder at Johnny.

"And I'm Johnny," he adds, deliberately cheesy, undercutting how much bigger he is than everyone in the room. It works; Shotaro laughs, and Donghyuck's mouth twitches.

Jaehyun starts pulling all the dry goods he needs out of the pantry. Over his shoulder, he asks, "Could someone get five bowls down for me? And someone else get the scallions from the fridge?"

This is his first attempt at ochazuke, and while it looks deceptively easy, he's laser-focused on getting it right, since Yuta went on at length in his text to Ten about how all the places in Chicago serve it too bland.

Johnny ends up grabbing him the bowls, and Donghyuck raids the fridge, and twenty minutes later, Jaehyun is pouring Shotaro's favorite green tea over a pretty-looking bowl of rice, salmon, and all the odds and ends he bought at Joong Boo. When he offers Shotaro the first bowl, since he's the only one Jaehyun actually needs an opinion from, Shotaro takes a deep inhale, eyes falling shut, before diving in.

Johnny, Mark, Donghyuck, and Jaehyun wait in silence as he chews, sips some of the tea, and then gives Jaehyun a look that he can't quite read.

"Oh, it's… it's like my mom made it," he says, with a tiny wobble at the end Jaehyun assigns to very familiar homesickness, and Jaehyun slumps against the counter in relief.

Mark pats his back. "Dude, you killed it. Yuta's gonna flip."

Donghyuck grabs the teapot and finishes making up everyone else's bowls, and Jaehyun takes the moment to feel vicious accomplishment in his veins. Knowing he'll show up on Yuta's doorstep with at least one dish that tastes like home feels like he just finished a marathon or won a drinking competition. It's heady, so heady Jaehyun barely tastes the serving Donghyuck hands him.

"Hey," Donghyuck asks, low, while Jaehyun is shoveling food from the bowl to his mouth, "if I get you the recipe, could you make my mom's doenjang jjigae?"

Jaehyun laughs, nearly spitting out rice in the process, and knocks his shoulder against Donghyuck. "Sure," he says, wiping his chin with the back of his hand in case of any spills. "Why the hell not?"

\---

Jaehyun texted Yuta a few days before his birthday to make sure he was free for lunch, and Yuta agreed, probably assuming they were going to one of the many restaurants on their list of places to try.

But at 11:45 a.m. on the day of, Jaehyun's standing in front of Yuta's door, laden with two bags of food, waiting for him to wake up.

He rang the doorbell; he knocked with increasing volume. He texted him when he parked, even. But it's nearly noon on a Tuesday, and Yuta is still dead to the world.

Jaehyun gives up on knocking and tries the phone, which luckily does rouse Yuta after four rings. He murmurs a sleepy, confused, "Mosh— Hello? Jaehyun?"

"I told you to be free for lunch," Jaehyun says, mock-accusingly. "It's lunch. Get your ass out of bed and let me in."

"Oops," Yuta says, and yawns heavily. Jaehyun hears him move around in his covers, but not the sounds of him walking to open the door. "It's my birthday, you can't be mean to me."

"I thought you wanted me to be less nice?" Jaehyun says. "Anyway, I'm here, and the sooner you let me in, the sooner you can eat."

"Oh, food," Yuta says, groaning, and Jaehyun finally hears him padding to the front door. It's a short trip, since the apartment is nice but not enormous.

Jaehyun hangs up the call the same moment Yuta yanks open the door, and he startles to see Yuta is shirtless in low-slung pajama pants—and he startles again when he sees Yuta has dark brown, maybe black, hair, mussed from sleep and with a giant cowlick near the front. Even messy, he looks different like this, more striking.

Yuta blinks at Jaehyun and scratches his lean abs, careful of his navel piercing. "You… bought food?"

Jaehyun grabs the bags and hustles into Yuta's apartment. The housekeeper must have come by recently, because it smells like lemon cleaner and Yuta's pile of shoes is tidier than usual. Jaehyun slips on a pair of Yuta's house slippers, not bothering to chat or explain since a recently woken Yuta is absolutely useless. He did bring coffee, just in case, but he doesn't think Yuta's coffee maker has ever been used.

"Are these your only pots and pans?" Jaehyun asks, gesturing to the ones hanging neatly in Yuta's kitchen, likely placed there by the decorator he hired. "Or do you have any you use?"

"Yeah, uh, under the oven," Yuta murmurs. "What's all this?"

"Lunch. Or kinda brunch, I guess," Jaehyun says, as he starts unpacking various Tupperware containers. There's rice he precooked, and the daifuku and plain mochi (since he couldn't decide between his favorite once the purple yam arrived), the tea and fixings for ochazuke, and the makings for omurice. The last dish is the star of the show. "Can I use your bowls and stuff?"

"Of course."

"There's coffee in that bag," Jaehyun says, nodding to the nearly empty bag with little snowmen all over it that he borrowed from Johnny, "if you want to make some."

"Ah, thanks," Yuta says, and slowly walks toward the bag and peers inside of it. He seems more than sleepy; he seems bewildered.

Jaehyun tries not to let Yuta's lack of reaction get to him; it's easy enough to start assembling the meal, and his hands are familiar with the process after so much practice. Shotaro and Donghyuck have been well fed over the last week, and Shotaro even took a picture of Jaehyun's final attempt to send to his mom.

If nothing else, he's confident that what he makes reminds _Shotaro_ of home. It remains to be seen if it works for Yuta.

The ochazuke comes together in record time since Jaehyun made the rice right before heading out and it's still warm. The sencha leaves are brewing in a saucepan on the stove because Yuta's teapot looked highly suspect.

Yuta seems to finally clue in when Jaehyun's scooping up rice and arranging it in one of Yuta's bowls.

"Wait, you… you made this? You're making me breakfast?"

"It's brunch," Jaehyun reminds him as he adds flaked salmon, nori, and tiny rice cracker balls. He has other fixings if Yuta wants them, including umeboshi he pickled himself, but he wants to start simple and not compete with the taste of the tea. "Birthday brunch, since you won't let me buy you anything."

"Shit, Jaehyun. I should…" Yuta rubs a hand over his face and looks around, then down at his bare chest. "I should clean up, huh."

"Don't get fancy on my account," Jaehyun says, checking the green tea and deeming it ready. "It's your birthday, so do what you want. And I did, like, rob you of sleeping in."

Yuta stays where he is, staring at Jaehyun, as Jaehyun pours steaming, fragrant tea over the neat pile of food in the bowl. There's no extra fanfare to accompany it; Jaehyun grabs a spoon and slides the bowl across the island toward Yuta, who glances at it, then back up at Jaehyun.

"You aren't eating?"

"I had some for breakfast, and I'm making more food, so dig in," Jaehyun says.

Yuta settles at a bar stool next to his island. He's decided to stay shirtless, and Jaehyun wonders if he's cold, but the dish should warm him right up if he is. Yuta peers into the bowl, makes a noise of recognition in his throat, and leans in for an inhale.

"You made this," he repeats to himself, and takes a tentative bite of salmon and rice.

Yuta's next noise is more like an aggressive squeak. He gulps down tea and then starts in on the food for real, hunched over the bowl almost protectively, which lets Jaehyun relax some and turn back to the stove to start on the omurice with a small smile on his face.

"Glad it passes the test," Jaehyun says. He pre-fried the rice at home too, and it's heating up nicely; the timing is basically perfect, he thinks, for Yuta to finish his bowl and be ready for the omelette rice right after.

The eggs are the best he could find, delivered straight from a farm, the yolks an orangey yellow that gives Jaehyun a primal sense of satisfaction as he whisks them and gets ready to attempt a curdy omelette.

He's made omurice dozens of times over the years, but this time it matters that the omelette comes out perfectly. Shotaro swore the attempt Jaehyun made was good, that it tasted as authentic as anything he's eaten. He did happily drown the whole thing in ketchup, but Jaehyun's choosing to trust him and his palate on this one.

The omelette comes together quickly, and he rolls the creamy egg thick and then splits it down the middle. He tops it with a demi-glace, not ketchup.

"Omurice?" Yuta demands, apparently done with the ochazuke. "You're making me omurice?"

"Do you not like it?" Jaehyun asks, though he suspects it's more of Yuta's shock.

"No, I… Fuck."

Yuta's phone buzzes on the island, and it's silenced in a hurry.

"You can answer the phone, I'm the one who barged in on your birthday," Jaehyun says, in case Yuta's ignoring calls for his sake.

"No, it's just my mom," Yuta says. "She's used to me being a bad son."

Jaehyun can't imagine rejecting a birthday call from his mother, thousands of miles away, but none of the little Yuta's divulged about his family sounds familiar to Jaehyun, so he lets it pass unremarked on. Instead, he focuses on plating everything up and trying to make a pretty, or at least deliberate, design with the demi-glace. He turns around to see Yuta running his hands through his hair, trying to tame it flat, and Jaehyun sets the plate in front of him.

"It's your birthday," he says as a gentle reminder. "I wanted to do something nice since you can't be at home with your family this year."

Yuta studies the swirling design of brownish-red on orange-yellow, and Jaehyun feels pride that this is his best attempt to date. "I can't believe you did this." He takes a bite, almost cautious, and swallows heavy. "It's so good."

"Yeah?" Jaehyun smiles, wiping his hands on a towel, and starts selecting eggs to make his own plate.

"I think I'm still dreaming," he mutters, and Jaehyun feels a zing of pleasure that this is going so well, that Yuta likes what he made so much. That he can give him a taste of home, even if it's not the fanciest or most beautiful offering.

Yuta's half-finished with his food when Jaehyun's ready to dig into his, and he switches off the stove and comes to sit next to him at the island. He blows on his bite before he takes it, and yep, it's delicious. The fried rice is especially good.

"It's really, really fucking good." Yuta's squinting his plate, poking the soft omelette with his spoon, then glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. "I guess… thank you? For the thought and for the hard work."

"It's no problem," Jaehyun says. "Really. You know how much I like to cook."

"Yes, but this is…" Yuta tsks, shakes his head, and takes another bite, covering his mouth as he says, "My mother would be proud of you."

"That's what Shotaro said too. I made him my taste tester."

"Shotaro? You got Shotaro involved in…" Yuta looks down at his food yet again, apparently dumbfounded, and Jaehyun laughs. "How do you know him?"

"Through Ten."

That seems to be enough explanation. Yuta's expression sharpens with clarity, and he nods. "Should have guessed."

He goes back to eating, and Jaehyun does the same, eyeing Yuta to observe the full experience of him enjoying it, until Yuta's spoon stalls out in front of his mouth. 

"Wait, this is why Ten was asking me about Japanese food, wasn't it? There was no guy?"

"Yeah," Jaehyun admits. "He's a genius, honestly. I was spinning my wheels trying to remember if you ever mentioned liking something specific."

"All this for my birthday breakfast—brunch?" Yuta shakes his head, but he's smiling, a tiny smudge of sauce next to his lips that Jaehyun doesn't have the heart to point out—maybe payback for that mustard from the hotdog, or maybe because Yuta looks like a happy little kid eating beloved dishes on his birthday. "You're too much, Jaehyun. What am I gonna do about this? I can't even cook you something nice for your birthday."

"I made mochi too," Jaehyun adds casually, and Yuta makes a noise of outrage and playfully shoves him, the stool scraping against the tile of his kitchen floor. "You're welcome," he says, and takes a big bite, satisfaction filling him up as much as the food.

\---

Jaehyun nearly gets his wings knocked off on his walk to the lounge, following the beacon of Ten's blonde wig in the neon-soaked crowd. It's somewhat less hectic in the VIP section, though there's still so many people, and every single one of them seems to be dressed up in accordance with Yuta's demands.

He went with the laziest angel costume he could find, though he let Ten sprinkle glitter on his cheekbones and put color on his lips. They crowded into the upstairs bathroom, Ten squinching one eye shut with concentration, half-made up as Alice in a way that should have looked ridiculous but wasn't. Now that he's fully in costume, makeup perfect and not a wobble to be detected as he navigates crossing the dance floor in platform Mary Janes, Ten's like a different person. They could set him to work greeting children as Alice at Disneyland.

Jaehyun kept glancing over at him during the Uber ride over, watching him fiddle with the hem of his dress or tug at his striped stockings. It was the only sign of his nerves.

"Do I look pretty?" Ten asked, turning absolutely fake guileless eyes at Jaehyun and then winking to ruin the illusion.

"You look beautiful," Jaehyun assured him, despite the way it wanted to catch in his throat, but he couldn't deny how good Ten looked, and he didn't want to devalue how much time and effort Ten put into his costume.

"You should have gone as the Mad Hatter like I asked," Ten said, "but this angel thing suits you, I guess."

"I'm not really a Halloween person," Jaehyun said, turning to look out of the window instead of dealing with more of the cognitive dissonance of talking to Ten but seeing a beautiful woman.

Yuta refused to tell him what he was dressing up as, so it takes Jaehyun a while to pick him out. He's seated at a booth, talking to Cinderella, wearing a blue suit and a yellow shirt, the collar popped, and while it's not one of Yuta's usual styles, it looks almost like streetwear.

"Let me guess," Jaehyun half-shouts when he makes his way to the booth, "it's from some anime I've never seen?"

"Only because you're uncultured," Yuta shouts back, but he stands up and scoots out of the booth to hug Jaehyun.

He wasn't expecting it, and he suspects Yuta is tipsy, but he's happy to return the hug, giving Yuta a gentle squeeze and a much firmer pat on the back. Up close, he can see Yuta's in heavy makeup, his eyebrows carved and stern, his complexion flawless.

"I'm Spike from _Cowboy Bebop_ ," Yuta tells him, after Jaehyun gives him a closer once-over in the hopes it'll jog his memory but still comes up blank.

"Yeah, no clue. You look good, though. Wait, is that a—"

"It's a toy gun," Yuta whispers into his ear, breath warm on Jaehyun's neck, "but don't tell anyone, I think the staff said no fake weapons." He pulls back and grins, his teeth gleaming extra white in the dim room. The bass shakes the floor beneath Jaehyun's feet, and he keeps finding himself startled by the flashes of white of his own costume. He all but glows. "Come sit down, my guardian angel!"

Yuta is _definitely_ drunk, and Jaehyun smothers a laugh as he climbs into the booth next to Yuta. Cinderella, who turns out to be a guy, waves a blue-gloved hand at him.

"This is Sicheng," Yuta says, and slings an arm around Sicheng's waist, knocking them together so forcefully Sicheng's beer jostles out of his glass and trickles onto the table.

"Hi," Sicheng says, scrubbing the table with a wad of napkins.

"I'm Jaehyun," he says, leaning over Yuta so he doesn't have to yell an introduction to a stranger.

"I know," Sicheng says. He's not flat, but he is quiet, and Jaehyun has no idea if he's uncomfortable to be squished against Yuta, or just not a fan of loud, crowded places. On Sicheng's other side, there's two girls Jaehyun doesn't recognize, dressed as a skeleton and a cat.

"Ten's around here somewhere," Jaehyun says to Yuta, who immediately starts scanning the room. "Wait till you see his costume, it's wild." He gives a nod to Sicheng. "They kinda match."

"Oh no," Sicheng deadpans. "I hope we didn't wear the same dress to the party."

"No one's gonna be prettier than you, don't worry about it," Yuta coos.

Jaehyun wishes he'd grabbed a drink before sitting down, or that Ten had followed him over to Yuta. This feels unsettlingly like third wheeling.

"Your roommates are already here," Sicheng says, ignoring Yuta entirely. "I think they went to dance, though."

"Cool. I'm gonna get a drink," Jaehyun says, starting to stand, but Yuta slides over his still very full drink, the contents of which are unknown. It looks like it might be a cola mixer. Jaehyun slides it back. "I'm not taking the birthday boy's drink," he chides. "I'll get my own."

"I've got bottle service," Yuta says, nuzzling into Sicheng's shoulder. "Just find one of the hot girls with a tray, don't bother with the bar."

"Noted."

He's honestly kind of glad to leave the booth. Yuta draped all over Sicheng, and Sicheng's handsome face shining through the drag, was a lot to take at once. He's never seen Sicheng at one of the gay-togethers, or heard anyone mention him, so he has no idea if this is some new guy Yuta is into or one of his friends he somehow never brought up.

Jaehyun reminds himself he's not Yuta's keeper, and it's good if Yuta's got a potential boyfriend. He might have waited to tell Jaehyun he was dating, or whatever, because of their rough patch, but maybe now everything can be out in the open.

He asks for a vodka tonic from one of the hot girls with trays, and rather than going back for seconds with Yuta and Sicheng, he wanders toward the main dance floor, where he spots Ten dancing with Spiderman. He's not about to break his streak of refusing to dance for Ten, especially not while fully sober, and leans against the wall, sipping his drink, content to watch.

Ten and Spiderman do a few moves, and Ten ends up bent over laughing at the guy's enthusiastic lack of coordination, the way he jumps up and down when the beat drops. His suspicions are confirmed when Johnny, head to toe in lycra as Deadpool except for the hood, walks up with a bottle of water and taps SpiderMark on the shoulder with it.

The dancing seems to be over; Johnny and Mark abandon the floor, people quickly filling the gap, and Jaehyun moves forward to snag them before they get lost in the crush, coming close enough to hear their argument over the pounding music.

"What's the _point_ of going as a superhero if you're gonna take the mask off!"

"Not passing out of dehydration," Johnny shouts, jabbing Mark with the water bottle again. "Come on, dude, at least a few sips."

"I'll get a drink when I go to the bathroom."

"Please don't drink out of the sink," Jaehyun says, and both Johnny and Mark both startle.

"I'm not a _dog_ ," Mark says, but reaches out to fist bump Jaehyun. "Sup. You look so cute!"

"Ten did my makeup," Jaehyun confides. He watches Johnny sigh with resignation and uncap the water to drink it himself. Someone walks by, too close and probably too drunk, and jostles Jaehyun's shoulder, nearly unseating his wings again, and they both shout apologies at each other. "Did you both separately decide to come as superheroes?"

"Naw, man, it's a couple's costume. Spideypool!" Mark drapes himself against Johnny's shoulder and throws up a peace sign.

"Okay," Jaehyun agrees, clueless. He finishes his drink and wishes it would hit him faster. He's not a lightweight, but one or two cocktails should get him buzzed and ready to party, instead of this awkward, sober in-between. "I need a refill, I'm going back to the lounge."

"Yo, I'll come with you! Yuta was busy, so we didn't really get to do more than say hi before."

This time, Jaehyun feels more assured with Johnny and Mark with him, and he feels even less tense when he sees Sicheng has gotten up to talk to other people. Yuta's sitting next to Shotaro now, who is wearing what looks like head-to-toe red pleather. Jaehyun goes to sit next to Yuta on his other side, but Mark gets there first, Johnny crowding in behind him.

The other booths are mostly filled with people he doesn't know, so Jaehyun flags down a waitress for another drink. "Make it a double," he says.

\---

Wendy and her girlfriend end up inviting him to sit down. They're at least in a couple's costume Jaehyun _recognizes_ , as Princess Peach and Daisy. He manages to get good and wasted catching up with them. He sees Wendy more than Joy, and while he's never sure if she likes him or just puts up with him for Wendy's sake, Jaehyun's drunk enough not to care so much.

He hasn't had a drink since the night with Yuta, and Jaehyun can feel himself unspooling tension with the liquid help. He notices he's basically shouting in Wendy's face about So-hyun, despite the music being less intense in the lounge, and he gives up trying to modulate.

"Does your sister come visit you? I'd love to meet her," Wendy says, as Joy plays with her wig.

"She hasn't had time yet, but fuck yes, she needs more friends. I mean, girlfriends. Women." Jaehyun should slow down on the vodka, he thinks, resting his head on the sticky table, in danger of dislodging his halo. Joy pats his back. "I'm drunk," he moans, when he comes up for air. "Anyway, yes, my sister would like you."

"Aww, if she's anything like you, I'm sure I'll love her, Jaehyunie," Wendy says.

Jaehyun smiles at her, unrestrained, so drunk and happy to be around someone he genuinely likes who seems to genuinely like him. Wendy's seen some of his less-polished edges, and if she still likes him, that actually means something. She and Lela weren't friends, but there was some crossover in the friend group, and Wendy made a point of quietly sticking to Jaehyun.

"I have to use the restroom, excuse me," he says, suddenly too aware of his bladder. When he stands up, the room does tilt, but Joy extends an arm to steady him just in case. Jaehyun waves her off.

The sound of old-school disco fades as Jaehyun enters the hallway and waits for one of the occupied VIP-section bathrooms to open up. He checks himself in his camera, brushing his alarmingly sticky bangs out of his eyes. There's still flecks of glitter showing up on his skin, and though Ten's lipstick has long faded, Jaehyun's mouth is naturally pink-red. His halo is a little dented but still secure atop his tousled hair. He smiles, then drops the expression, then smiles again, wider, until his dimples are fully popped.

"Admiring yourself, huh?" Yuta asks. To Jaehyun's ringing eardrums, he sounds very far away, but he's leaning on the wall next to him. "I get it."

"You know how it is with me," Jaehyun says, sheepish despite how much alcohol has tempered his ability to feel embarrassment. "Can't catch me slacking."

Yuta's eyeliner is smudged, and his hair was already styled messily, but it's an absolute disaster now. There's possibly a subtle green tinge to it, Jaehyun thinks, but the lighting back here by the bathrooms is still atmospheric and low, so it's hard to tell for sure. He looks so handsome. The darker hair is a good look on him.

"Never," Yuta agrees, smiling. He slides against the wall to prop himself up on Jaehyun's shoulder.

"Happy birthday," he says, and Yuta makes a happy noise. "Hey, where do you know Sicheng from?"

"Ten," Yuta says.

Jaehyun is drunk enough to worry about keeping himself standing upright, and Yuta's added weight makes him tilt. He steadies them both with a hand to Yuta's waist, rubbing against the surprisingly slick material of his suit.

"Ten knows everyone on Earth," Jaehyun sighs. Yuta nods and snuggles into Jaehyun's side.

A guy comes out of the men's room, but Jaehyun stays where he is, holding Yuta up, his arm firmly around his slim waist. His heartbeat's kicked up, beating in time with the disco he can still hear through the walls.

"Thank you for coming even though you hate costumes," Yuta says.

"You know I wouldn't miss it."

Yuta peels his head up from Jaehyun's shoulder and looks at him. "I mean it. I'm glad you came, Jaehyun."

"I mean it too," Jaehyun says, glancing down at Yuta's wide eyes under his hair, the serious set to his full mouth. "If it's you, I'll always show up."

He feels Yuta shudder, and his hold on Yuta tightens. Yuta is silent for a long moment, and the song switches over to something faster. Jaehyun can't look away from his lips, can't let go of him, so lithe and strong, his favorite person. It burns through him, the only thing he can feel, all of his other awareness—including his urgent need to piss—forgotten in the moment. Yuta fogs everything else up.

Jaehyun's pulse speeds up when Yuta gently rests his palm over Jaehyun's chest. Whether it's his lack of equilibrium or just his confounding pull to Yuta, he knows he's leaning over, closing the gap between their faces.

Yuta cups his jaw, fingers digging into his cheeks, and Jaehyun's mouth drops open, breath coming in puffs.

 _Oh fuck_ , he thinks, vision starting to swim, arousal starting to spark, the same neediness he felt before with Yuta in his bedroom and that he's tried to forget every day since.

But then Yuta's touch turns almost mean, squeezing his face until Jaehyun would bet there are red imprints there for a moment, until they fade back into smooth white skin. Yuta shoves him away, or maybe shoves himself off of Jaehyun, but the effect is the same. There's distance between them, and Yuta looks mulish.

"I'm not drunk or stupid enough to do this again," he says.

Jaehyun stares at him, the way Yuta's fists have clenched at his sides, the way his jaw looks even more prominent.

"Sorry," Jaehyun says, but Yuta's already turning and walking away.

\---

Jaehyun wakes up the next morning to a mild hangover and a guest in his bed, and it takes him five long, humiliating minutes of looking up at the ceiling while he comes to grips with what he's done.

It's not that he doesn't remember taking Lacey home. He wasn't sober, but he wasn't very drunk at that point either. By the time he slid inside her, he'd made her come once already and nearly all the alcohol in his system was burned off. He was very aware of what he was doing, who he was with.

Last night, he spotted her sitting in the lounge trying to hide the lack of VIP stamp on her hand.

"I'm shameless when it comes to free booze, okay," she said sheepishly, and over her shoulder Jaehyun could see Sicheng and Ten and Yuta, Yuta laughing and partying like nothing happened, like he was having the time of his life, Ten offering him cherries from his cocktail.

"I can respect a good hustle." Jaehyun forced himself to look at her sweetly rounded face and the contrast of her heavy makeup and the piercing through her eyebrow.

Lacey's cute, funny and tiny next to him in the way he likes, even if she's not his usual type, and he already planned on hooking up or trying to date again soon. This wasn't quite what he intended, though, taking home the first girl who showed an interest because he nearly kissed Yuta. Again.

He can't forget how much he fixated on Yuta and Sicheng as Lacey told him about her job as a graphic designer. She must have noticed his attention wandering, and she was the one to ask if he wanted some no-strings-attached sex point-blank or if she should find someone else. Jaehyun was pleasantly disarmed by the honesty. She was refreshing.

He thought it would stop once he touched her, that all of the other shit would drop away. Instead, he imagined Yuta's hands in his hair, gently guiding him as he ate her out.

It was good sex; he hopes she thinks the same. His catalogue of moves hasn't failed him to date, though Jaehyun kept wondering if Yuta would fuck her hard and steady the way he did, or if he's more adventurous with positions. If he likes it rougher. If he would think Jaehyun and Lacey look good together.

If he'd be jealous, or if he was spending his night forgetting all about Jaehyun by crawling under Sicheng's Cinderella skirt.

"Dude," Lacey says sleepily, rolling over onto her side to blink up at him. "You're going through it, huh."

Jaehyun struggles with the protocol for this. She's naked except for a pair of Jaehyun's boxers, the swell of her breasts enticing above the covers. The idea of fucking her again, even kissing her again, feels like an insult to her. "Is it that obvious?" he asks eventually.

She tugs the covers up until she's modest and yawns widely. "Kinda. You're grinding your teeth."

Jaehyun rubs at his jaw, forcing himself to unlock, and hears something pop. He might need to dig up his old retainer if he's back to grinding. "It's not you," he says firmly. "You're great."

"I mean, I figured, but thanks," she says, and grabs her phone from the nightstand. "I'll get an Uber, just gimme a few."

"I usually make breakfast," Jaehyun says. "If that's not… too much."

Lacey turns and looks at him again, and he makes himself meet her gaze. He has no idea what she thinks is going on with him; his memory solidifies at some point during the Uber ride, when Jaehyun was giving his usual calibrated smile, hand-on-the-thigh attention, and she said, "You don't need to try so hard, cutie, I already agreed to dick," and it startled him into laughing and wanting to kiss her, to taste the sharp edge of her tongue. It was almost enough to get him out of his head, which was filled with nothing but Yuta. 

Almost.

"Pancakes?" she asks, eyes narrowed in consideration.

"Pancakes, waffles, eggs, fruit, whatever. And you can use my shower."

"Oh, a gentleman! And here I thought you were just a fuckboy," she says, and slides over him to climb out of bed. He's wearing a pair of his boxers too, but his body startles at the sudden contact, the odd reminder of their intimacy.

"I contain multitudes," Jaehyun says, bemused, as she stretches and finds her shirt from the night before, which somehow ended up flung onto his dresser. "Bathroom's down the hall. You can use the blue towels. I'll go get started on breakfast."

"Sweet," Lacey says, and when she leaves the room, Jaehyun exhales in a furious rush and lets himself be angry to the count of ten that his attempt at normalcy didn't work.

\---

Ten, always impervious to hangovers, is in the kitchen making tea when Jaehyun starts cooking. Jaehyun isn't sure how to bring it up, especially since he usually doesn't have overnight guests, but Ten only raises an eyebrow when Lacey appears, wearing last night's club clothes and with her hair wrapped up in Jaehyun's guest towel.

Because Ten is Ten, by the time Jaehyun calls Lacey an Uber, Jaehyun knows way more about her than just her occupation, her propensity for bluntness, and the way she sounds when she comes, and her contact info is in both of their phones. Ten and she got along like a house on fire.

"That was weird," Jaehyun says, staring at her empty plate on the table.

"Things are only weird when you let them be, baby," Ten replies, patting his back before heading upstairs.

Jaehyun takes a shower of his own and starts a load to launder his bedding. He's a pro at the washer and dryer now, after his disastrous first attempt to wash towels with around half a bottle of detergent led to Johnny schooling him on how people who didn't grow up with housekeepers live. He busies himself to stop from thinking about the aftermath of his choices. He can't help it, though, not when he finds Lacey's lamented missing sock under the bed and, after a moment's hesitation, sends a picture of it to her.

 **Lacey:** Oh my fucking god lol  
**Lacey:** Feel free to keep it as a memento of when I nearly yanked your hair out ig  
**Jaehyun:** 😂

Most the girls Jaehyun has dated or slept with would be put off by being acknowledged as a hookup, but Lacey seemed happy with the fact that it was purely transactional. And now she's invited Ten to a gallery thing, and she extended the invite to Jaehyun too.

He wonders if this is how it went down with Yuta and Ten too, if they got done fucking in a club bathroom, cleaned themselves up at the sinks, and started exchanging their favorite restaurants.

Thinking about Yuta makes all of Jaehyun's body feel leaden, his insides chilled. Unfortunately, he wasn't drunk enough to black out and forget that moment in the hallway. And he doesn't exactly have an explanation for why he kept picturing Yuta in the middle of fucking someone else.

When he pulls his phone from its charger, he sees he has some texts from So-hyun. Last night, during the party, he sent her a bunch of blurry selcas, a few crowd shots, and one picture Jaehyun doesn't remember taking. In it, Yuta's arm is around his shoulders, his other hand giving a peace sign, and Jaehyun's grinning like an idiot.

It's like the photo is mocking him, and his sister's innocent observation is painful too.

 **So-hyun:** I'm glad you had fun!  
**So-hyun:** I wondered where Yuta had gone to, it's nice to see him again  
**So-hyun:** You make a cute angel, little brother 👼

There's nothing from Yuta. Of course.

\---

Two days later, after no word from Yuta and no reserves of bravery to make Jaehyun text him, he finds himself on PornHub. The keywords he types in nearly make him laugh, they're so absurdly out of his comfort zone, but the lump in his throat stalls any kind of noise.

The results… don't inspire anything other than disinterest. It's a page of glistening white men. Fucking each other. Because Jaehyun is looking at gay porn.

It's not the first time he's done it in his life. He's stumbled on some in the recommended videos section while watching threesomes or group sex, and when he was sixteen he went looking for it deliberately, curious to know if he might be curious. It left him as cold then as it does now.

He takes another sip of beer, makes sure his AirPods are synced with his phone, and clicks on a video at random. The grunting in his ears immediately sets him on edge.

He can't decide if he's relieved, sitting in his bed totally limp while watching two smooth twinks fuck in improbable positions. He even grits his teeth and tries to imagine the men as him and Yuta, but if anything, that moves his disinterest to outright repulsion. Yuta wouldn't touch him like that, and he wouldn't make those noises, and Jaehyun's packing, but he's nowhere near one of those enormous porn dicks.

When he clicks back over to regular straight PornHub and searches for one of his favorite videos, it works the same as it always does, though his orgasm is mediocre at best.

Once he's cleaned up, Jaehyun considers texting Yuta about it, breaking the ice that way. _Great news, I watched gay porn and it turns out I'm still straight_. _Sorry for all the times I got drunk and confused about it._

Jaehyun might have the emotional depth of a petri dish, but he knows that's borderline cruel, that he would be taking out his confusion and frustration on Yuta, who doesn't deserve it.

To that end, he does make himself text Yuta before bed, a paltry _We should talk_. It kills him to set his phone down and force himself to sleep instead of checking it every five minutes for a reply, but he does it.

It's not fair to either of them to keep going through this. They need to talk it out. Jaehyun needs to get to the root of why, when he's drunk, he lets himself push Yuta's buttons, craves Yuta's attention.

The joke about how much Jaehyun likes to be admired is getting less funny. It's starting to sound a lot like the disdain in Lela's voice when she told him he was shallow, using his looks and his status as stand-ins for an actual personality.

\---

Yuta still hasn't replied the next morning, and Jaehyun, without class to head to and no homework to do, throws himself into what Ten likes to call his self-care routine. He goes to the gym and does reps until his legs are shaking and he has to collapse against his steering wheel for a few minutes. While he waits to stop trembling from exhaustion, Jaehyun calls his salon and asks for the next available appointment, which turns out to be later that afternoon.

He has enough time before the appointment to go grocery shopping, and he stocks the fridge and plans out his next week of meals. He'll cook later that night, or maybe the next morning, and finds himself looking forward to it. Nothing hits like portioning out perfect Tupperware containers or bentos and stacking them neatly in the fridge, or stopping halfway through to make Johnny or Ten a quick snack to their profuse thanks. He likes to stay busy; he likes to stay useful.

At the salon, Jaehyun gets a color treatment to put some life in his dull brown hair, then a trim. The waxer is free, so he gets his eyebrows done, just starting to want to meet in the middle, then what little there is on his chest, so he's sleek, pale flesh from his neck to his groin. He feels better, though he can't quite shake the feeling that he's feeding his worst impulses by doing this and being so satisfied by it, by the way he looks in the mirror.

 _I think you spend more time at the salon than I do_ , Lela teased him, a month into their relationship. _Is this what it's like to date a pretty guy?_

When he gets home, he showers for the second time that day to make sure no tiny pieces of cut hair are stuck to his body, poised to make him itch. The fan in the bathroom has been sputtering lately, and during his shower it finally dies, so when he climbs out, he cracks the bathroom door to vent all the steam. He moisturizes thoroughly, spending extra time rubbing his sore calves, catching warped glimpses of his pale, muscled form in the foggy mirror.

He hears Mark's voice in the house, and the sound of it coming closer, but he doesn't think anything of it until he hears the door to the bathroom creak.

"Oh shit, sorry," Mark yelps.

Jaehyun, out of pure surprise, turns to face him. Right before Mark's expression switches to embarrassed shock and he scampers away from the door, Jaehyun sees a flash of something dark, something awed, in his eyes.

The rush of power Jaehyun feels, knowing Mark looked at him, saw him naked and slick and sculpted like this, is staggering. Mark is attracted to men as a general concept, but Jaehyun knows from that split-second of hungry gaping that Mark is attracted to _him_.

When Jaehyun shows up in the kitchen, fully dressed, Mark looks like he wants to duck and hide behind the island.

"Dude, I can't apologize enough. You never leave the door open, so I thought… Anyway, I'm sorry."

Jaehyun shrugs, forcing down the twisted-up thoughts he has that are obsessed with wondering how much Mark saw of his dick, what part of Jaehyun's body he liked the most. Why he liked Mark looking at him more than Lacey's low whistle of appreciation when Jaehyun's shirt came off. "It's just a body," he says.

"I told you he wouldn't care," Johnny chides Mark, tugging his earlobe. "I've seen Jaehyun's dick like ten times, he's not shy."

"Still," Mark mutters.

Jaehyun clears his throat and pastes on a smile. "You staying for dinner? I'm cooking."

\---

 **Jaehyun:** I'm in your parking lot  
**Jaehyun:** You gonna let me come up or should I just leave

It takes five minutes, and Jaehyun turns his car back on and prepares to go home despite how much it would hurt, but Yuta replies.

 **Yuta:** Come up

When Jaehyun knocks, Yuta must have been waiting right by the door. It swings open, and Yuta leaves it that way for Jaehyun to let himself in.

"You want some juice?" he asks, headed to the kitchen as Jaehyun takes off his shoes. "I'd offer beer, but I think that would be in poor taste."

"Funny." Jaehyun leans against the kitchen wall and watches Yuta, in a sweater and a beanie, dig through his fridge and come up with two pressed juices. "I'll take the orange one," he says, and Yuta sets it on the island so Jaehyun has to grab it himself.

That stings, even though it shouldn't. He gets the impression Yuta is mad, and Jaehyun doesn't know why he would be. They stopped before anything happened, and Jaehyun's been trying to fix this; it's Yuta who hasn't stepped up to the plate.

He goes to sit in the living room, under Yuta's huge and still unsettlingly violent poster, and it's a small favor that Yuta sits only a cushion away from him, studying Jaehyun as he sips his juice.

"I don't really know what to say," Jaehyun admits, licking the taste of sweet-sour orange and mango and probably carrot from his lips. Yuta pulls his legs up onto the couch and props his head on his hand, elbow digging into the couchback. His gaze is unwavering, and Jaehyun refuses to be daunted, no matter if he isn't sure what's going on here. "I guess… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make things messy between us a second time."

"I'm sure you didn't. But you did."

"Yuta, I was drunk off my fucking ass. I know that's not an excuse, and we need to, like…" Jaehyun fidgets, harder than he meant to, and the couch creaks under his forceful adjustment. "I'm trying to figure this out, okay, and I'm trying to protect our friendship."

"Mmhm." Yuta takes another gulp, then wipes his mouth with his hand. "So you're sorry and it won't happen again, that's what you're saying?"

"I mean. Yeah? I guess I'd need to be careful hitting the booze around you." He stares down at his lap, because this next part is ugly, a part of himself he's been dodging. "I know it's gross, okay, to use your sexuality to validate my fucking ego. It's not something I'm, like, proud of. I'm trying to fix it."

Yuta laughs, softly, dismissively, and Jaehyun lifts his head in pure disbelief that he's _laughing_ at this. "Really? That's it? That's what you came up with? This is about your ego?"

"What the fuck else do you think it is," Jaehyun asks, surprised by how irritated he is.

Yuta twists the lid back onto his juice and tosses the bottle further down the couch. "Jaehyun, what did you get Ten for his birthday?"

"What?"

Yuta makes a dismissive gesture. "It wasn't a real question. I know you got him a messenger bag."

Jaehyun can see where this is going, and he doesn't like it, doesn't appreciate Yuta twisting his maybe too enthusiastic attempt to pay tribute to their friendship like this. "So? I got Johnny's transmission replaced. Different people get different gifts."

"You forgot Mark's birthday, remember?" Yuta smiles at him, teeth like daggers, a strange light in his eyes. "You told me about how you panicked and played it off by paying for his birthday dinner."

"Yuta—"

"But not me. You remembered me, and you gave me such a nice gift. You got Shotaro to help, and Ten, and Donghyuck. Why am I special, Jaehyun?" He cocks his head, still smiling, no trace of humor in it. "Do you even know?"

"You're my best friend," he offers, his final line of defense, the only thing he _does_ know. "You're important to me."

"So if I asked to take out your dick and make you come in my mouth, you'd say no, right?"

It hits him like a freight train. He can _see_ Yuta's hand flirting with his zipper, his own fingers yanking off Yuta's beanie to tangle in his hair, so immediate and so fucking good it's like it's already happened.

Denying that he wants it would be a lie. Admitting it would be a destruction. "Fuck," Jaehyun says, quietly.

"You don't want to, right? Because we're just friends?" Yuta continues, unbearable, and Jaehyun is stone-cold sober, with no excuse for the way he's burning, the way it's not confusing, just sharp want. "Because you're straight—"

"Would you _shut up_ ," Jaehyun growls, and he has enough sense left to telegraph that he's doing it, that he's pulling Yuta closer to him, a fist stretching out his sweater. Yuta doesn't pull away, though; he clambers on top of him, knees going to either side of Jaehyun's hips, hovering above his lap.

Jaehyun slips his hands up Yuta's sweater until he's touching smooth, hot skin, Yuta peering down at him from his height. He feels like silk. Jaehyun can't believe he's touching him.

"You want it, you ask for it," Yuta says, and the hand to Jaehyun's neck is almost kind, in contrast to how ragged this conversation has turned, the near violence with which Jaehyun hauled him over. "Fucking ask me, Jaehyun."

"Kiss me," he begs, head tilted back, and if Yuta sees this as a victory, he doesn't spend any time reveling in it.

It's better this time, Yuta pressing him into the couch, holding his head still, eating up Jaehyun's unattractive groans. He sits down fully on Jaehyun's lap and hitches his breath when Jaehyun trails a touch over his nipple piercing.

He tastes like crisp greens, like the softest, sweetest heat. Jaehyun gets hard under his ass in what feels like seconds just from the way he tugs his teeth over Jaehyun's lower lip.

"This is a bad idea," Yuta gasps, when Jaehyun wraps his free arm around Yuta and presses him closer, until Yuta's hard dick is pressed to Jaehyun's abs, noticeable even through layers of clothing.

It makes him nervous, but in the way roller coasters make him nervous; excitement before a plunge. "Probably," he agrees.

Yuta leans in again, coaxing Jaehyun's head back as he descends for a kiss. This one is teasing, barely making contact, flickering his tongue to trace the ridge of Jaehyun's upper lip, until Jaehyun's jaw is lax and he's gasping, squirming to hold still instead of chasing after Yuta's mouth the way he wants. The more Jaehyun tries to deepen the kiss, to let Yuta in, the less Yuta actually touches him.

Jaehyun's dick throbs in his jeans, and he's extremely aware of the weight of Yuta's warm, slim body perched on top of him. How easy it would be to grab hold of Yuta's hips and hold him down, grind him against Jaehyun's dick.

He wonders if Yuta will do it, if he'll suck Jaehyun off. If he'll want Jaehyun to blow him in return. Pleasure and anxiety skip across his nerves like a stone skimming a lake, then breach the surface tension and sink to the bottom.

He wants it. Whatever Yuta wants to do to him, or with him. Fuck, he wants it bad.

Yuta bites his way into Jaehyun's mouth, and finally, finally, Jaehyun's being kissed thoroughly, Yuta's tongue sliding against his. All Jaehyun can taste and feel is him, and the relief after being denied is enough to make Jaehyun moan.

But then Yuta pulls away, and the expression on his face when Jaehyun blinks up at him makes a bigger splash in the waters of Jaehyun's calm.

"I suck your cock," he says, cupping Jaehyun's face and rubbing his earlobe, "and then what? We go back to being _best bros_?"

He's been deliberately not thinking of that. It nearly makes him angry that Yuta's brought the outside world, the aftermath, into a moment where Jaehyun wants to do anything but be inside his own head. But it's a valid question. He pulls his hand out from under Yuta's shirt, like that will make him think clearer. "I think so. It doesn't have to change anything."

Yuta tugs a little harder on Jaehyun's ear. It shouldn't feel good, like Yuta plucked a string wired to his cock, but it does. "Oh, it would."

"It doesn't have to, is what I'm saying. I'm still—" Jaehyun swallows, heavy. "I still want to be your friend." Yuta's silent, and Jaehyun knows better than to fall for the trick of filling uncomfortable silence with more speech, but knowing something and being able to abide by it are different beasts. "Can't it be like you and Ten? We fuck around, get it out of our systems, and…" The rest of it is damningly hard to construct an image of.

"You go back to bringing me home-cooked meals and getting jealous of my friends?" Yuta says, with a harsh little chuckle. "We get it _out of our systems_ and you show off how you're so straight, you'll take home the first girl you see?"

Jaehyun's stomach lurches. He doesn't remember leaving the party, only the trip home, but rubbing Lacey in Yuta's face does sound like something that Jaehyun would be drunk and petty enough to do. "I'm—"

"No thanks, Jaehyun. I'm not a playground." He slips off of Jaehyun's lap so fluidly it's like he rehearsed it. "I don't just fuck men to fulfill their fantasies."

If it weren't for the fact that Yuta was still semi-hard in his sweatpants, and the fact that he's white as a sheet, Jaehyun might be convinced that he's unaffected.

Jaehyun's fully dressed, and his clothes didn't even get messed up, but he feels like he needs to compose himself. He straightens up, yanking at his shirt to needlessly adjust it, pulling so hard he feels the seams at his shoulders strain.

Yuta is still just standing there. Jaehyun gets that this is his cue to leave. And he will, he's not pathetic enough to linger where he isn't wanted, even if he knows Yuta well enough to guess this isn't only the end of an ill-advised makeout session. He's blown it, and he's not really sure why. If it was showing up here, or trying to kiss him again at the party, or parading Lacey in front of him. He doesn't know what it was that made Yuta decide he was a bad bet.

"You have casual sex all the time." He's not trying to be an asshole; he really does want to know why Yuta can have a policy of no commitments but draw the line at Jaehyun, when he clearly wants him. "Why not with me?"

Yuta studies him, and Jaehyun knows his face must be taut with emotion and blotchy from humiliation and arousal. His chest is tight, his lungs compressed with the agitation of knowing that, in this one thing, he doesn't understand Yuta and Yuta doesn't understand him.

"Yeah. Take care of yourself, Jaehyun," Yuta says, at length, his mask of indifference fractured enough for Jaehyun to see how tired he looks.

Yuta doesn't wait around to watch him leave, and Jaehyun's left by himself in Yuta's pristine living room, fists clenched and ears feeling like they've been stuffed with cotton. He gets up from the couch; he finds his shoes by the door and takes care to step into them; he switches off the hallway light Yuta left on; he shows himself out with care to not slam the door.

In the parking lot, in his car, Jaehyun startles as his Bluetooth syncs and a Miyavi song Yuta wouldn't stop humming for a month starts playing from his speakers.

The punch he gives his steering wheel makes his horn beep, loud and jarring and stupid. He doesn't check to see if there was anyone around to hear it, though; he leaves the lot so fast that he clips the curb on his way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /Stefon from SNL voice/ This chapter has everything: racquetball, Mrs. Suh, the desperate last gasps of compulsory heterosexuality, friendship-ending mistakes, cooking...
> 
> I'M SORRY, except I'm not sorry, and I did definitely trash 1,700 words of them trying to hook up, but Yuta said no, I have too much self-respect to engage in this trainwreck. Characters shouldn't have agency, but this one definitely does, lololol. (As always, this is a good time to remind folks that I always write a happily-ever-after or happily-for-now ending, and if I ever don't do that, I will slap big old warnings on the fic, so.)
> 
> Follow me on Twitter [@sssneakiest](https://twitter.com/sssneakiest) (I did update my handle!) to watch me scream over how hard chapter four is going to fight me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what happened, because one minute I was aware of just how much was left in my outline for the chapter to write, and the next I was just… done? Apparently?? This chapter did not fight me nearly as hard as I assumed it would. Surprised Pikachu face.
> 
> Thank you to so many readers who have been enthusiastic and honestly driving me to work on this fic and try to make it as good as I can. I really never thought people would click with this since YuJae isn't what I'm primarily known for, or a very popular Jaehyun ship in the scheme of things (which is an AFFRONT against NATURE tbh), so the fact that people are reading it and liking it makes me so happy. 
> 
> Thanks to my usual crew, especially Tay, who is so lovely and kind and has my back despite not even going here (and having to Google who the hell Jaemin is). A special shoutout to speckledsolanaceae for being so encouraging and listening to me ramble about, uh, basically everything about this fic, up to and including the sequel I'm trying to convince myself I can't write. <3

The presentation goes well enough, up until it doesn't.

Jaehyun is running on cold brew and force of will, after a late night of finalizing the PowerPoint and getting shitty sleep. Addison came through and delivered the materials Jaehyun asked for well before the deadline, but he put off incorporating them until the last possible moment.

It wasn't his only mistake. Jaehyun keeps a neutral expression as Professor McClintock grills Addison on slides Jaehyun prepared, on sources Jaehyun read and cited. Addison gives his best attempt at bullshitting, and at one point halfway turns to Jaehyun to get confirmation he's not wildly off base, but the professor snaps that he's asking Addison, not Mr. Jung.

Ultimately, Addison admits defeat. "I'm sorry, Jaehyun's the expert on this one. He, uh, kinda took point."

It's a good thing they went last and the class session is nearly up, or McClintock's dressing down might take longer. As it is, Jaehyun suffers through it for around two minutes before calmly picking up his laptop and going back to his seat. The only sign of his fury with himself, and Addison, and goddamn McClintock for zeroing in on the weak link in their otherwise flawless project, is his burning ears.

Though most of the students have left this sideshow behind to go home or to their next class, a few linger in the lecture hall. He can feel eyes track his movements as he puts away his notes. The continued scrutiny makes him go stiff, jerky, wrenching his things with too much force, and he bumps his water bottle—plastic, because McClintock complained about all the clunking from hydroflasks—onto the floor. Addison stoops to retrieve it and hand it back to him.

"Tough break," he says, sympathy in his tone. "Sorry I kinda dropped the ball there at the end."

Jaehyun grits his teeth but nods and starts walking. Addison doesn't take the hint, though. He matches his stride to Jaehyun's and walks with him out of the room and into the hallway.

The temerity of it has Jaehyun elbowing his way past people lounging or clustering together to talk, obstructing traffic, but Addison still keeps up with him, like this is something they do every day.

"Did you even read it?" Jaehyun asks, the same question that pounded in his brain like a drumbeat through the whole presentation.

"What? Of course I did. But you sent it at like three a.m., so I only got to look over it once. Dude, slow down, you're going to mow someone over."

He does stop, since it seems like they're going to do this regardless of how fast Jaehyun tries to escape. Looking directly at Addison's face, his sculpted brows narrowed in confusion or concern, pisses him off all over again. He's trying to walk away, to keep his mouth shut, but Addison is literally not letting him. It's making the irritation in Jaehyun—the uncomfortable feelings he pressed down through their chewing out—claw his insides for an outlet.

Some of that must show on Jaehyun's face, or maybe Addison's suddenly gotten better at reading people. "You can't honestly be mad at _me_?"

"I'm not mad," Jaehyun says shortly. "I'm worried about the grade, and us looking like assholes."

Addison props a foot against the wall behind him, slouching some as he leans back, and shakes his head. "Listen, I'm not trying to point fingers, because at the end of the day we share the grade, but you ran this whole thing. It's not, like, shocking that was obvious under scrutiny."

Jaehyun resists scoffing. "Uh, I couldn't get ahold of you for over a week," he points out. "You weren't exactly reliable."

"Yeah, I was busy, but by that point it was pretty clear you thought my ideas were shit, so I just let you run with it."

" _What_ ideas?" He's never been less than polite, even deferential to Addison, and it feels risky and liberating to break the habit, like pushing 100 on the highway. Something about it is surreal, like it's not happening to him—maybe it's the lack of sleep, or how at odds he's been since Yuta kicked him out of his apartment. It feels like he's going to wake up and relive this day, that the presentation will go swimmingly, and that he won't be catching looks from students passing Jaehyun and Addison arguing in the hall.

"Dude, the tactics of MLMs in the health and wellness sphere versus tech." His relatively mild expression melts into something sour. "You didn't even fucking bother to watch any of it, did you?"

The YouTube videos he sent, and that sketchy-looking website. Apparently, Addison didn’t take them at face value and actually had critiques. But Addison didn't include any text, not even keywords, only the links on their own. "I watched it." That's partially true; he did click two of the videos and scrub through them in exasperation.

If Jaehyun hates being embarrassed, he hates being wrong even more. He's at his capacity for it given his life lately, and so he willfully sidesteps Addison's point even if he knows it makes him a bastard. "If you didn't like the topic I chose, you should have said something," he says flatly.

"I mean, whatever, sure. Just don't act like you didn't railroad this whole thing, okay, because you did." He gives a rueful smile. "You did a good job, Jay, I'm not gonna lie. We might scrape by with an okay grade despite everything." He slips one hand into his jeans pocket, shoulders rounding out to give off the appearance of casualness. "It's one project. It's not the end of the world. Take care, I guess."

He pushes off from the wall and walks away, leaving Jaehyun in a clearer picture of his own failure.

It's worse, somehow, that Addison didn't even seem angry.

The anger in Jaehyun, still with nowhere to vent, is snide about how Addison is irresponsible enough to shrug off a project worth twenty percent of their grade. The embarrassment thinks it might be a good idea to drop the class. Maybe drop out of university in general. It's not like his MBA isn't all for show anyway; he has a job waiting back in Seoul the moment he decides to accept it, courtesy of nepotism.

He walks to his car and navigates to the gym, where he has the slightest chance of being able to turn off his brain.

\--

His trainer asks about Yuta and Johnny, and Jaehyun makes up a convincing lie. Oh, Yuta's got a trainer coming to his apartment now, and Johnny's busy with work. Maybe they'll pop in sometime, but it's mostly back to one-on-one.

"I've never seen you push as hard as you do when your friends are here," Matt says, somewhere between a scold and encouragement. He hasn't broken much of a sweat despite matching every sit-up Jaehyun did, but given that he could lift Jaehyun like a dumbbell, that's not as disheartening as it could be. "I want you to go that hard all the time."

Jaehyun eyes the rowing machine, the memory of him and Johnny trying to outpace each other to Yuta's enthusiastic cheers, and sighs internally.

\--

Ten and Johnny have stopped mentioning Yuta, which is a small mercy. He has no idea what Yuta's said to them, but it's clearly something. Whatever it was, it means Jaehyun's spared being asked about Yuta's sudden and conspicuous absence from his life—not even Donghyuck says anything on the subject, and given how much he likes to insert himself in other people's business, Jaehyun's honestly surprised.

It becomes obvious they're all still hanging out, just without him. Jaehyun doesn't feel a particular way about it. Yuta was friends with them before he was friends with Jaehyun. He's glad Yuta's got the support.

One evening, Mark and Johnny get home smelling like weed and French fries, giggling as they peel out of their outer layers and murmur at each other, domestic sounds that barely register on the edge of Jaehyun's hearing like the buzzing of a fly. When Mark walks into the living room and sees Jaehyun sitting on the couch, his turntable spinning jazz, his face and suddenly wide eyes telegraph so much guilt, Jaehyuh almost laughs.

A small part of him is gratified that Mark feels guilty, that he seems aware of how goddamn awkward this is for Jaehyun, but then Mark plops down on the couch to catch up and Jaehyun focuses on that instead of his worst instincts. Johnny follows, and he pulls Mark onto his lap and plays with the sleeves of his hoodie, then the strings to it.

It's a little weird to be having a conversation with someone while they're sitting on someone else. Jaehyun bites down any comment about it. They're not huge on PDA unless they're high or drunk anyway. Jaehyun wishes Johnny would contribute to the conversation rather than sitting there, silent, as Mark's personal seat, but whatever.

"What got you into, like, jazz?" Mark asks. He really must be high, because Jaehyun remembers talking to him about this very subject a year ago, when Mark was going through his vinyls.

"My dad. He's got the taste of a grandfather, most of the time."

"I could see that." Mark grins at him. "You gotta get your old-man ways from somewhere, I guess."

Jaehyun looks at Mark, then down at his own fleece pants and hoodie, looking as much like a college bro as he ever does. "Old man, huh?"

"You get up at the same time every morning without fail"—that's not actually been so true lately, but it's not like Johnny and Mark would realize that he's been sleeping like shit—"you're, like, all into stocks and diversifying portfolios…"

"You golf. You read the same newspapers my dad does," Johnny points out, finally joining the conversation. "Literal physical newspapers. Oh! You make dakjuk all the time."

"Okay, so—"

"You're a little old man in a hot-ass body, Jaehyun," Mark says, twinkling with delight. Johnny drums on his stomach, and Mark grabs his hand to stop him, curling his fingers around it until they're holding on to each other. "Just accept it. We accept you!"

He's never been accused of being an old man before. Jaehyun isn't sure whether he should be offended. He's kept to a schedule because his mother (or more likely the housekeeper sent to drag him out of bed) didn't give a damn how late he was up the night before, whether it was studying at hagwans or playing video games. He likes sports, and yeah, some of the guys in the program invited him out for golf in the spring, so he bought a set of clubs.

He reads the papers because it's good to stay up on the news and to check multiple sources, but also because it reminds him of the rare times his father made an appearance at breakfast and read the financial pages over his porridge and tea.

He makes dakjuk because it tastes like home.

"I wonder if they'll give me a senior-citizen discount," he tries to joke. "Should I try it, next time we go out?"

Johnny chortles, and Jaehyun can see him rest his cheek against Mark's shoulder, eyes slipping closed. They really are high. Yuta must have gotten his weed guy to deliver a bunch more off-brand Juul pods. "I'm sure you can afford to pay for a regular Costco membership." His eyes pop open. "Oh man, I forgot we talked you into getting that. Can we go to Costco next week? I need to stock up on T.P. and drinks and stuff."

Jaehyun offered to buy Johnny membership when he was espousing the virtues of the store, but Johnny insisted Jaehyun get his own. They've been to Costco three times in a year, and Jaehyun has yet to figure out what's so great about it. As the one with the membership _and_ with trunk space not taken up with teaching and photography materials, he's resigned to spearheading the whole operation. "Yeah, that's fine."

"Aw man, I wanna go to Costco," Mark complains. "I haven't had one of those hot dogs in years."

"I'll bring you one back," Johnny promises.

"And a pizza," Mark says, visibly cheered. "And a churro."

"Sure, baby, whatever you want."

He makes a mental note to get them all—even Ten, who seems just as baffled by the place—their own memberships for Christmas.

\--

Jaehyun's back to his old normal, more or less, the way he lived for months and years before Yuta entered his orbit and started dragging him to indie rock concerts and taco trucks. Really, Yuta wasn't much of a disruption to his routine in the scheme of things. His evenings are free again, and he keeps going to send Yuta dumb memes before remembering at the last second he can't now.

He spends his newly aimless nighttime hours carefully sorting through winter wear and loading various items into his cart, then taking them back out again, only to repeat the same dance the next night. Jaehyun steadily builds a potential winter wardrobe that's cozy and clean, almost no patterns, with the exception of one Raf Simmons plaid shirt and a Versace pull-over with a black-and-white design.

Finally, he snaps and buys it all. It's not like it even makes an impact on his Amex balance.

He's not usually an online shopper either, not for clothes, but he doesn't have the patience for in-store lately. He can always drop it off with his tailor if something doesn't hang right.

When the first of the shipments arrives, Jaehyun gets that kid-on-Christmas-morning feeling of ripping into the packaging. An array of cranberries, dark blues, and slate grays are gently laid out on his bed, along with more autumnal colors, and his steadfast neutrals. His new caramel-colored Ami sweater fits him perfectly. The plaid Raf Simmons goes with almost everything; he tries it with a Henley and then with a T-shirt to be sure. He adds two new sweatpants to his collection.

Everything ends up fitting well, even without tailoring. Jaehyun's body is too buff for a runway, but he still wouldn't look terribly out of place on one, or maybe in a catalog, with a perfectly white smile and subtly rosy cheeks as he rolls up his fuzzy sleeves and decorates for a secular holiday party.

With every piece he tries on, the feeling of satisfaction, of excitement, mellows, until he's staring at himself in his full-length closet mirror, his bare feet poking out of jeans exactly like four other pairs he already owned.

It's another testament to his own vanity. Of course his first instinct to cheer himself up is finding clothes he'll look good in. God forbid Jaehyun volunteer at a soup kitchen or save kittens or something.

He sets it all aside to have it dry cleaned, since he's already tried it on and taken the tags off. Everything except the Versace sweater.

It would have looked great on Yuta. Jaehyun gives it to Mark.

\--

Half asleep, he hears an unmistakable groan. The heater just switched off, the house temporarily warmed up to the moderate 68 they've all mutually agreed on at night, though Ten always argues for it to be at least ten degrees hotter, regardless of the season.

Mark and Johnny are fucking, and the sound is traveling through the vents again.

Jaehyun, blearily scrolling through shoes even though he's already downsized his collection twice since moving in, feels a prickle of irritation. It's followed by arousal that sets his teeth on edge.

"Oh, _fuck_ ," Mark yelps, distorted by the distance and strangely hollow-sounding. "Oh, Johnny, you're hitting it."

Jaehyun's dick gives a twitch of interest despite how not in the mood he is. Last time, he couldn't hear much in the way of distinct words; it feels like they're louder, and that carelessness pisses him off. He was conscientious when he brought Lacey over. He cranked the heat up, for one, and reminded her he had roommates, even offering her a pillow while he ate her out, muffling her with kisses when he was inside of her. But Johnny and Mark are fucking like no one is home. Like everyone wants a front seat to their sex life.

Though it is, he realizes when he glances at his phone, nearly two in the morning, and on a weeknight even Ten is usually dead to the world by now. It curbs his indignation some, but not entirely.

He should roll over and jam his head against the pillow, or find his AirPods. He shouldn't grind his teeth and ignore the way his dick is mutinously going all the way hard in his boxers. He shouldn't put those loafers in his cart when he knows he's going to take them back out again tomorrow night.

Whatever Johnny's doing, it's working. Jaehyun wonders if Ten can hear it too, if he's ever woken up by them.

Then Mark comes, loudly, in a way that twists Jaehyun up with what feels like sympathy pleasure, but Johnny doesn't stop. If anything, he goes harder, the headboard thumping against the wall so loudly Jaehyun doesn't need the vents to hear it.

Mark's voice ricochets around Jaehyun's room, around his head, moaning like porn but weirder, keening and desperate. Wailing like Johnny's dick is the best thing he's ever had.

"Fuck," Jaehyun grunts, rolling over. The shift of pressure onto his dick reminds him he's hard, and he clatters around his nightstand impatiently hunting his AirPods so he can jerk off in peace.

\--

McClintock gives them 69%. Technically a D.

Jaehyun is one of the first to leave the lecture hall in case Addison has the brilliant idea to talk to him again, and he goes home and makes dakjuk like the old man he apparently is. He tries not to eat so much rice, but it's so good, and so easy, and he could use the comfort on a day like today. If Jaehyun were less exhausted, he'd go work out his frustrations, but it's supposed to be his rest day, and he slept like shit again anyway.

When he stands at the island, texting So-hyun about his Christmas plans and realizing he has to book a ticket or his mother will have it done for him and passive-aggressively extend his stay beyond what his class schedule allows, the taste of the porridge is oddly bland.

He adds more salt, but that makes it too salty. Jaehyun gets a Topo Chico from the fridge and tries to not let his increasingly bad mood show up in his texts with his sister. She's the last person he wants to take this out on.

Around one p.m., Mark and Johnny finally stumble downstairs, and he considers taking his bowl into his room and finishing it there, but he still has to clean up from cooking.

It's one of Mark's bi-monthly weekdays off, and he always spends those with Johnny; it's why he was up so damn late getting railed in the first place, because neither of them had anywhere to be the next day.

Johnny says good morning, Jaehyun doesn't bother to correct him that it's afternoon, and he puts his head down and focuses on figuring out dates with the timezone differential in mind as Johnny grabs yogurt from the fridge for him and Mark.

 **So-hyun:** I'm definitely coming to the party, but I'm not sure about breakfast  
**Jaehyun:** What about a lunch on New Year's Eve  
**So-hyun:** There's a company party that day, I'll be busy  
**Jaehyun:** So… am I at mom's mercy the whole time again or am I going to see you  
**So-hyun:** You'll see me! Don't get cranky!  
**So-hyun:** You know this time of year is terrible, and you know all I want to do is spend quality time with my baby brother

"Hey, man, you good?" Mark asks, directly behind him and louder than Jaehyun could have anticipated.

"I'm good," he says, and gives up on the dakjuk. He'll just have a bigger dinner later. He puts space between them by taking his bowl to the sink and then digging for clean Tupperware, which of course Ten didn't bother to organize while unloading the dishwasher. He has to hunt for the correct size of lid and finds it in the very back of the cupboard.

How hard is it to stack shit correctly, he wonders, instead of tossing it.

"You seem kinda… off," Mark says, after a pause.

Jaehyun has the uncharitable thought that they probably only noticed because he wasn't leaping to make everyone food for the hundredth time. "No, I'm good. Just texting."

"It's just that… I tried to get your attention like five times. You feeling okay?"

He finishes scraping the porridge he knows he won't even eat into the container and turns around. "No, I'm fine. Just, like, some advice. Maybe scream half a decibel quieter when Johnny's railing you so I'm not up half the night."

He's an asshole, but he's not a coward: he's not sure if he's watching Mark's face blanch into panic because he wants to make himself feel bad or if he wants the bitter satisfaction of seeing the hit land.

"O-oh, yeah. Fuck. Uh. I will for sure do that."

It feels like when he had that showdown with Addison; the moment is suspended in a slight surreality. Like someone else said it, and Jaehyun's watching from the kitchen threshold. But he's also very aware of how it felt like popping a stubborn cork to finally fucking say something.

"I'm gonna—shower. Uh, sorry about that, won't happen again," Mark stammers, and he bolts out of the kitchen, leaving his yogurt unfinished on the counter.

Jaehyun collects it and puts it back in the fridge, along with the leftover dakjuk.

It's not like he's unaware Johnny's in the kitchen too, that he was there for everything, and that there's no way he won't rip Jaehyun a new asshole for that exchange. But he's not ready to grovel, to take it back. He's still wound up from the indignity of playing accidental voyeur to Mark screaming for his roommate's dick.

"Dude, I don't know what's up with you lately, but don't ever speak to Mark like that again." Johnny's voice is low, flat, and Jaehyun looks him square in the eye. All of Johnny's affability is gone; even when he slumped around the house during his rough patch with Mark before they got together, radiating misery, he didn't look as deadly serious as he does now. It chases a shiver up Jaehyun's back, and one irrational part of him wants to see how far he can push it, if he can make Johnny look angry instead of cold.

But Jaehyun's sleep-deprived and unpredictable, not looking to get punched, so he gives a tight nod.

Johnny's countenance doesn't shift, though. He keeps his narrowed, stern eyes on him. "If you have a problem, you can text me, or talk to us, but don't just humiliate him like that. He, like, worships you."

That one breaks through, but the guilt doesn't sit right. It makes him feel like there are bees buzzing under his skin, and it takes everything in him to nod again. "Fair enough," he mutters, and takes himself and his horrible mood to his room where they belong.

\--

That night, Mark and Johnny run into him coming back from somewhere—Jaehyun's best guess is Yuta, given how much more often they're leaving the house instead of staying in lately—and he already knows he has to apologize, but the way Mark gets visibly anxious when he sees Jaehyun drives it home like a nail through his heart.

He clears his throat and makes himself do this now, while it's still fresh, and while Johnny's here. "Hey, Mark, sorry I was so blunt earlier. I was stupid tired. It wasn't you."

Mark nods like a bobblehead, over and over, and behind him, Johnny looks no less flat and unimpressed. That spikes Jaehyun's pulse. He's trying to man up.

"No, yeah, I get it, haha, everyone has a bad day, and like, we, uh, contributed to yours, so. I'm sorry too," Mark says.

"Don't worry about it," Jaehyun says, as Johnny walks away.

Mark shuffles after Johnny, though he does awkwardly send a reassuring clap to Jaehyun's shoulder. Jaehyun, in the middle of putting his shoes on to go grab dinner because he wasn't about to cook and worsen his mood by somehow messing it up again, tugs at the laces until his boots are so tight his feet feel strangled.

He's tired of saying the wrong thing. When he tries to be nice, it gets him nowhere, and when he's honest, he makes everything worse.

\--

Jaehyun's temper cools and solidifies into a block of ice in his stomach. He's getting better rest, maybe because he's taking the herbal sleep supplements Mark left at the house, but the unresolved tension is getting to him. His own bullshit is getting to him. Yuta's absence is getting to him. He can admit it.

When Lela left, he felt like their apartment was a wasteland, a graveyard, and he got to sulk around it in peace. Now, he doesn't have any privacy in his processing. He keeps running into Ten in the hallway, who gives him too-knowing looks, or Johnny, whose gaze has started sliding over Jaehyun like he's not even there.

He needs to fix this. If he can't fix things with Yuta, he can sure as hell make the effort to be a good roommate—a good friend—and not make his living situation unbearable. It's his fault, anyway, not Johnny or Mark's.

He invites everyone, including Donghyuck and his other roommate, out for dinner and drinks as a gesture of goodwill and an attempt to feel more like himself.

At the restaurant, a family-style Korean place he picked in the hopes it'll make people feel more at ease, Jaehyun waits outside under the awning in the snowy cold for people to start showing up even though he has a table reserved.

Jaemin and Donghyuck are there first, and Donghyuck gives him a weird look when he sees Jaehyun standing with his gloved hands jammed in his pockets, hood up, shuffling from foot to foot.

"Are you crazy, let's go inside," he says, and Jaemin and he each grab an elbow and steer him toward the doors.

"It's kinda hard to find this place," Jaehyun argues halfheartedly. "Just wanted to be able to flag people down."

"I'm sure they'll manage."

When they're seated, Donghyuck and Jaemin flank him, and Donghyuck peels off Jaehyun's gloves and rubs his hands between his own. It's a sweet gesture, and one Jaehyun would never expect from Donghyuck given their level of friendship—let alone Jaehyun's behavior lately.

There's a chance Mark and Johnny didn't embarrass themselves further by sharing what Jaehyun said, but he doubts Johnny would let it go by without saying _something_ about what a dick Jaehyun's been. In his more self-pitying moments, he imagines Johnny complains about it to Yuta. _Why is Jaehyun so fucking weird now? What happened between you two?_

Ten's the next to arrive, snowflakes melting in his newly dyed black hair and on his earmuffs, face red from the cold. "Oh my God, my Uber driver was so weird," he says, lit up with excitement, as he sits across from them. "I gave her five stars for making my night. Oh, is that soju? Thank you, honey," he says, when Jaemin starts to pour him some.

Jaehyun already ordered stuff for the table to share, some beer and other drinks, and he's relieved to see Ten take advantage of it. Even if this is going to be awkward with Johnny and Mark here, and even if no one knows why, and even if there's a part of Jaehyun who keeps expecting to see Yuta squinting at the menu further down the table, Ten and Donghyuck will keep things loud, and fun, and somewhat normal.

Johnny and Mark arrive as a duo, and they're not holding hands but they are standing close together, a united front. Mark's still a little skittish, and Jaehyun's shame hits him anew.

Mark's never nervously glanced around the room because of him before. Even when he was babbling in a panic in Jaehyun's passenger seat, about to crash Johnny's cousin's wedding, he seemed relieved Jaehyun was there. Like Jaehyun was grounding. And he's trampled all over that because he got some bad sleep and bad news.

"Hey," Jaehyun says, as Johnny unwinds his scarf and settles down, busy talking to Ten. He leans over the table to catch Mark's eye as best as he can. "I know I already said I was sorry, but I know I made things weird."

Jaemin and Donghyuck are listening with absolutely no disguised interest. Jaemin's head is tilted, and his bubblegum-pink hair makes him look like a fairy or an idol or something, harmless, but Jaehyun knows better. No one could stick it out with Donghyuck and be made of cotton candy.

"No, man, it's all good. I'm just embarrassed."

"Don't be," Jaehyun says firmly. He notices Johnny looking at him, though he's still talking to Ten. "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm just going through it lately. Because of…" He jerks his head to the side, as if that will illustrate the fact that Yuta's not here.

"Hopefully you guys will work it out and things can all go back to normal," Mark says, with relief, like he's glad to finally mention Yuta, even if not by name.

"I don't think so," Jaehyun says, smiling grimly, and picks up the nearest bottle of soju to pour some for Mark. "But anyway, let's eat, yeah?"

"That was touching," Jaemin says in a deadpan. "I love friendship."

Mark raises his glass to Jaehyun before he downs the shot, and next to him, Johnny gives Jaehyun a slight nod of approval.

\--

They're all at various stages of drunk and full; Donghyuck is leaning against Jaehyun's shoulder, playing with the sleeve of Jaehyun's sweater, and Jaemin is arguing with Ten about what dessert they should order.

"You won't even eat it," Mark accuses him. "You tapped out like twenty minutes ago."

"I'm not wasting _free dessert_ ," Jaemin says, with a meaningful glance to Jaehyun, who made it very clear this meal is all on him. "They have to-go boxes!"

"I could do ice cream," Johnny says thoughtfully, and then makes a face and pats his stomach. "No, maybe not."

They keep discussing it, Ten and Jaemin the only ones invested in ordering something but wanting completely different options. Jaehyun lets the sluggishness of being too full to move and the fuzziness of liquor overtake him, slumping in his chair. Donghyuck hums and adjusts his position against Jaehyun's shoulder.

The relief is nearly as powerful as the booze. Mark was mostly back to normal, and Johnny was back to laughing at Jaehyun's jokes, and Ten smiled at him and made him taste the soup he ordered. "It's not as good as yours, but it's really good," he said, spilling bright red droplets onto the table as he reached over with a spoon to let Jaehyun taste.

He's not quite as at ease as he wants to be, and he feels like every emotion he has is skin deep, easily punctured and let loose onto unsuspecting populace, but this meal goes a long way to reminding him he can be happy, that he has friends now, even if he's lost Yuta.

Ten and Jaemin are waiting for their desserts, ultimately having decided to get their own instead of splitting, when he notices Mark stiffen and then whisper into Johnny's ear. Jaehyun's first thought is that it's Yuta, especially when Johnny glances over to the front of the restaurant near the register and shakes his head.

But Yuta didn't eat much Korean food, only partaking when Jaehyun made it or they decided to order it as a group.

The mystery is solved when Mark darts a look around the table, bites his lower lip, shakes off Johnny's hand on his arm, and half-shouts, "Hey, Taeil."

Instantly, Jaehyun feels Donghyuck go rigid. He pulls himself off Jaehyun to sit up straight, and he stares down at his empty bowl and his recently refilled ice water.

"Naw, man, it's okay, come here for a minute, say hi," Mark says, voice betraying his nerves and wobbling on the last words.

Jaehyun can't help his curiosity; he looks up to see a short, terrified-looking guy who can't be much older than Jaehyun walk toward the table like he's heading to his own execution, a bag of takeout held in front of himself like it offers protection.

"Hi, Mark. Hi, ah, everybody," he says, and chances a look at Donghyuck.

Donghyuck has plastered on the fakest smile Jaehyun's ever seen. "Hello, Taeil," he says, almost airy.

"You just getting dinner?" Mark asks in a hurry, too loud. "Right on. They have really good food here."

"Yes, I got… galbi. I was tired of samgyeopsal," he says, still nervously eyeing Donghyuck, who appears to be refusing to break eye contact with him. "It's nice to see you. I don't want to intrude on your evening—"

"Oh, you could never," Donghyuck says in his same fake, high-pitched voice.

"You're not intruding, man, I asked you over."

Johnny seems to brace himself to jump into the fray before he says, "Hey, I know we've run into each other on campus, but I don't think we were ever introduced. I'm Johnny."

"He's my boyfriend," Mark says, and then coughs. "I think I told you that at H-Mart, but hey, now you get a face to the name."

"Yes, I remember you," Taeil says. He seems to have calmed slightly, given that Donghyuck hasn't lunged across the table at him, but he still obviously would rather be anywhere else. Jaehyun finds himself pasting on his usual bland smile as subtle encouragement, but then he drops it in case Donghyuck notices. "How long have you been teaching?"

"Oh, I'm just a TA. I'm leaving after this semester, starting my own business, but we should, uh…" Johnny seems to realize it would be insane to suggest hanging out with Taeil, and that Donghyuck would never let him forget it, but he's as trapped by politeness as the rest of them. "Catch up," he settles on. "If we get a chance. I can show you all the weird nooks and crannies I found to hide from students."

Taeil laughs at that, weakly. He seems to force himself to look at Donghyuck again. "I didn't get a chance to compliment you after the last performance," he says.

"You don't have to," Donghyuck says, still smiling. "I know what you think of my abilities."

Taeil adjusts his takeout bag, the plastic crinkling. "You're so talented, Donghyuck," he says, suddenly too serious and intense, so even Donghyuck's mask starts to falter. "You're just—you're a star. All I ever wanted was to… Anyway, I should—" He raises his bag, licks over his lips, nods to himself, and then bows. "Bye. Have a good night."

He scurries away, not bothering to pull up the hood of his jacket as he walks out into bitter cold.

It's silent for long moments, the only sounds from other customers and distant noise from the kitchen, until Ten dares to break it. "So what the fuck was that?" he asks.

"That was Taeil," Jaemin says, casting a worried look at Donghyuck beyond Jaehyun between them.

"Yes, I'm aware of who he is. He's that professor that catfished Donghyuck or whatever."

Mark makes a noise. "That's… not…"

Ten makes a dismissive gesture. He leans in to squint at Donghyuck but seems to think better of it. As he prods Jaemin for more information, Jaehyun can see—can all but feel, given how close Donghyuck is and how powerfully he's radiating rage and hurt—Donghyuck shutting down next to him.

It's not a surprise to him when Donghyuck suddenly stands up, yanks his coat off the back of the chair, and makes a break for the exit.

Mark, cursing, stands up so fast he nearly knocks his water over.

"Hey," Jaehyun says, reaching out a hand to forestall him and then drawing it back when Mark does actually stop. "I know you mean well, but… you invited him over. You know Taeil is, like, Donghyuck's biggest sore spot. Maybe don't, not right now."

Mark's jaw works, but he sits back down, elbows going on the table, Johnny's hand on his back. "I'm just so fucking tired of him obsessing over this dude and not actually talking to him." He turns to look at Johnny, imploring. "They're adults! They should act like it!" Johnny says nothing, though he continues to rub his back, and Mark slumps over, covering his face. "God, he's so mad at me. This is why I'm not allowed to make decisions when I'm drunk," he groans.

"I'll go check on him," Jaehyun says.

Donghyuck is down a few storefronts with his phone out, clearly waiting for an Uber. Jaehyun wriggles on his gloves as he approaches him, and he isn't good in moments like these, but he doesn't want to be Donghyuck alone out here in the cold.

"I'll make sure Mark stays over at our place for a day or two." Donghyuck needs the time or he'll bite Mark's head off and the problem will get worse.

Donghyuck offers a muttered, "Thanks."

That's something, at least. Standing a few paces from Donghyuck's side, Jaehyun can see his phone screen, and the Uber is a few minutes out. He's got time to say something, if he wants to, if he can think of anything useful. He's not Donghyuck's closest friend by any means, but after so much time spent with him, he thinks he gets how he operates. And he has a feeling this is going to sting for a while.

"I know that had to suck ass. But I do think Mark was trying to help. Even if he did it wrong."

"He sure did, didn't he," Donghyuck says, still so quiet, if it weren't for the winter hush of the street, it might not have been audible.

"I don't know about that Taeil guy either, but you don't need to accept his apology if you don't want to."

Though what he saw tonight doesn't mesh in any way with the half-formed image he had of Taeil, Donghyuck's strange and cruel instructor, some older guy who manipulated him and then poked all of his weak spots for fun.

"It's not my business, I know," Jaehyun says, as he watches the little car icon creep closer on the map. "And I'm not exactly in a position to be giving interpersonal advice right now." He smiles when Donghyuck's face twitches like he wants to smile too. "But I don't think Mark meant to hurt you."

"He never does," Donghyuck says.

When Donghyuck's ride arrives, Jaehyun impulsively gives him a half-hug, one he barely feels through both of their coats, and to his surprise, Donghyuck returns it.

"You'll be okay," Jaehyun says, a platitude that he means, that he hopes Donghyuck takes to heart.

He's smiling when he pulls back, though it's not his usual impish grin or his unselfconscious glee. He looks older. "I'm always okay. Go back inside, 형, it's fucking freezing."

\--

Mark ends up staying over for three days, and he has to borrow clothes from Ten because he's too afraid to even stop by his apartment to pick up a bag from Jaemin. Donghyuck isn't speaking to him, which everyone saw coming from miles away, but Mark—dressed in all black today, Ten's soft sweater shot through with shimmering silver thread, and topped with a beanie Ten insisted goes with the borrowed skinny jeans—is acting like he couldn't possibly have seen this coming.

He's clearly very sorry, but he's also clearly frustrated, scowling down at his phone when Donghyuck fails to answer him or when Jaemin tells him to stay over another night.

Jaehyun gets more context, at least, not that it helps him understand what the hell is going on or why Taeil would hide the fact that he was an instructor from Donghyuck for so long. Like, it would have been easy to just say, "Hey, we might need to cool it with being friends once semester starts because I'm going to be your teacher" at some point before Donghyuck showed up for the first day of class and a nasty surprise.

It's all incredibly weird, even if Mark swears Taeil is filled with regret and humiliation and didn't mean to mislead him or to hurt his feelings, but then again, Jaehyun's straight and pushed his luck trying to fuck Yuta. Sometimes people make fucking weird choices and have to live with them.

The one upside to Mark's personal crisis is that Johnny seems to have totally forgotten what an asshole Jaehyun was to them. He's so focused on keeping Mark happy and distracted, trying and failing to bake cookies from scratch and thanking Jaehyun profusely for stepping in to rescue them after he almost forgets the egg, that Jaehyun manages to feel worse, somehow. He realizes he got away with something he shouldn't have. That he's been forgiven too easily.

But he'll take the break where he can get it.

\--

On the fourth day of Mark and Donghyuck's cold war, he gets home from class to find the two of them in the living room. They're sharing the bean bag chair, Mark's head in Donghyuck's lap, which is new. Donghyuck playing with Mark's hair, slow and careful.

Jaehyun doesn't ask, because it really isn't his business and he stretched his own boundaries chasing Donghyuck down outside the restaurant that night, but he does make them lunch.

\--

That night, in the lightened atmosphere of reconciliation, they all pile into the dining room to play board games and drink, with Donghyuck vaping every once in a while. The smell reminds him of Yuta, which is a bump in the road of Jaehyun enjoying the night but nothing he can't handle.

The board games quickly turn to drinking games, since they're too distracted to follow complex rules. All drinking games inevitably end up Never Have I Ever, and Jaehyun can tell he's going to get trashed pretty quickly. Ten is beet red, slumped over the table with his cheek squished against a placemat, giggling, two questions in.

The funniest part might be how Mark keeps gaping every time Donghyuck takes a drink. Jaehyun's surprised too, at the extent to which Donghyuck's gotten up to shit, especially given what Jaehyun knows about his sexuality.

"Did you think I figured it out in a—a vacuum?" Donghyuck finally demands, rolling his eyes. He wipes his mouth from his latest gulp. "I had, like, a life before I moved here."

"Yeah, but like." Mark gapes at him some more. "A _threesome_?"

"Okay, okay, uh, let's do a non-sexy one," Johnny says. "Never have I ever… eaten an entire pizza by myself in one sitting."

"That's so boring," Ten complains.

Mark, Johnny (apparently forgetting the fact that you're not typically supposed to suggest things you've done), and Donghyuck are the only ones who drink. Jaehyun's trying to remember if he has, and maybe he did back in Korea on the limited occasions he had pizza. The portions are a lot smaller there. It seems plausible he did on a night out, maybe during his ill-fated year at Seoul National. He belatedly takes a drink.

He's only slightly haunted by the ghost of Yuta, who should be there with them, laughing and telling more ridiculous stories that somehow only Jaehyun notices are total bullshit. Ten believes he actually crashed a yacht, and Johnny thinks he's banned from an island in the Bahamas. One time, amid just a regular story Yuta was spicing up for laughs, Jaehyun smiled and said, "You're such a liar," and Yuta banged the table and yelled, "How do you always _know_?"

Yuta would probably say his family owns a chain of pizza restaurants and he's never paid for it in his life, or that he invented a new topping combination that's all the rage in Japan.

"Ummmm," Ten says, trying to think of something to ask. "Never have I ever sucked a dick?"

Everyone but Jaehyun groans and takes a gulp. The rules are out the window, and Jaehyun knows they're too drunk to explain the point of the game at this stage.

Mark, snickering, follows it up with, "Never have I ever done anal," and everyone also drinks, but Jaehyun holds up a finger.

"Wait, do you mean… like, pitching or receiving?" He's done anal with girlfriends a couple times, but he has the feeling that's not in the spirit of what Mark meant.

"No, I meant bottoming, dude," Mark says, laughing nervously.

"Pegging counts!" Ten declares, tapping on his probably very close to empty solo cup.

"Sorry, no," Jaehyun says. His cup remains untouched for this round.

"Awww, straight boys are so boring," Ten says.

Jaehyun just smiles. It's not like he's unused to this kind of conversation; a week or so after he signed the lease, Ten got drunk and made a point of talking about anal prep extremely loudly to, as far as Jaehyun could tell, gauge his reaction. It was uncomfortable, and new, to hear about gay sex so candidly, but it wasn't like he moved in with two guys who liked guys expecting them to be monks. Now, he's pretty much impervious to their attempts to rile him.

"Seriously," Ten goes on, "just find an adventurous girl _once_ and figure it out. Or a guy!"

"They make prostate toys, you don't even need another person," Donghyuck says, and Mark squeaks. Donghyuck sighs heavily and flicks Mark's cheek. "You have sex all the time, _how_ can this be so embarrassing for you?"

"I don't know," Mark cries. "But it fucking is!"

"I think in general straight guys should suck a dick at least once to know what they're expecting women to put up with."

Jaehyun notes that even Johnny blinks at Ten, though he laughs. "Uh-huh, I'm sure that'll catch on."

The game abandoned, Ten smacks a hand on the table. "I mean, it wouldn't be that hard to convince them. You know how gay straight guys get when they're drunk."

Okay, maybe there _is_ still discussion they can have that sets Jaehyun's teeth on edge. He doesn't think it's pointed—first because he knows Yuta wouldn't tell anyone what happened, and second because Ten is usually more deft with his insults—but it still lodges in his chest like a thorn. "Uh, can we talk about… not this? Whose turn is it?"

"Oh, come on," Ten scoffs, turning to pin him down with bright, gleaming eyes. "Don't tell me you haven't even been curious. It's, like, human."

"This isn't about me, though," Jaehyun says, as Donghyuck and Mark and Johnny exchange glances and Donghyuck slowly screws the cap back onto their two-liter of Coke and then the second bottle of rum they dipped into. "It's about you apparently convincing drunk straight guys to suck dick."

Ten rolls his eyes. He pulls himself to sit upright, then tilts his head from side to side like one of his warm-up stretches. "Please, if a guy's all over me, telling me how he's _soooo_ curious if it's true that gay guys give better head, he's not very straight to begin with."

The anger Jaehyun has been keeping at bay for days now, doing his best to purge from his system so he doesn't run headlong into any more bad decisions, proves he never got very far in the first place. It's lighting up his nerves like it's in his bloodstream. Or maybe that's the booze.

"Uh, Ten," Johnny says, giving him a warning look.

"I mean," Donghyuck says, drawing it out, "he's got a point."

Something about Donghyuck's agreement lances him. It's not a thorn anymore; it's a gaping puncture, just between his ribs.

"Curiosity is normal," he says flatly. "And someone drunk might do something they wouldn't ordinarily—"

Ten laughs, pushing away his cup. His eyes don't look drunk, which Jaehyun knows is a trick of the light or Ten's intensity, but it's unnerving, the focus of his look. "Oh, won't someone think of their poor heterosexual virtue."

"I think we should… stop talking about this," Mark says.

"If you're so worried, roomie, you can come to clubs with me and keep _straight boys_ from grabbing my dick every five minutes. I could really use the bodyguard."

"Ten, seriously," Johnny says, hard and loud.

There's terse silence in the wake. Jaehyun seals his mouth shut and refuses to grant this dumb argument any more of his consideration.

"This is boring. I'm going upstairs," Ten declares, like a little shit.

He does weave when he gets to his feet, but he gathers himself and walks away like royalty leaving a coronation. Jaehyun is breathlessly mad, because by the end of it, he realized Ten was doing it to mess with him, and he doesn't know why. What possible beef does he have with Jaehyun? He thought they got along really well.

What does Ten think he knows about Jaehyun to make him say all that?

"Sorry, that was… He's not usually… I think he's just drunk and belligerent?" Johnny says, voice cracking on embarrassment and apology that doesn't belong to him. "Like, Ten doesn't even fuck straight guys."

"Yeah, it's a whole thing," Mark agrees. "I think he was messing with—" And then he shuts up, like vocalizing what they all must know is forbidden somehow.

"It's whatever," Jaehyun says, getting up. "It's fucked up, but it's whatever. I'm going to my room."

He nearly does make it to his room, leaving the three of them behind to deal with whatever lingering awkwardness, but he stares at the stairs as he passes them. Then he goes up them, hand firm on the banister in case his balance is impaired.

Jaehyun nearly chickens out in front of Ten's door. It's not like him to chase a confrontation, but it was just strange enough for Ten to fuck with him like that for him to want answers. Or at least a chance to tell Ten he's a dick.

He knows Ten has a rule about not messing with straight guys. "Miss me with that mess," he said, on at least one occasion.

He raps twice with his knuckles before he lets himself in, fighting his instincts to wait for permission to do so. He's rarely been inside of Ten's room, and he's laser-focused on Ten inside of his sanctum, surrounded by all of his art and the plants he keeps replacing because he has a brown thumb and can't keep them alive. Clothes, some of them looking like what Mark borrowed last week, are strewn over his chaise lounge. He's sitting at his vanity, which is also his art desk, and in the mirror, he smiles wolfishly at Jaehyun.

"So you wanna take me up on it? We can hit up a club and you can save me from poor, misguided straight men."

"I don't know what the hell this whole… performance is," Jaehyun says, quietly shutting the door behind him so the noise doesn't travel down the hall and down the stairs. The last thing he needs is Johnny running in trying to be a hero. "But knock it off. I know you don't go near straight guys."

Ten tosses the face wipe he was fiddling with onto his desk and rolls his chair seat back, standing up. He crosses the small room to poke Jaehyun's chest with his stubby pointer finger. "So maybe you can unclench for five minutes instead of being such an asshole," he says.

" _I'm_ an asshole? What the fuck?"

"You've been _such_ an asshole lately," Ten growls, still digging in the tip of his finger right between Jaehyun's pecs. He gives another jab for emphasis. "First what you did to Yuta, but—"

"Hold up—" Jaehyun's too drunk to hold back his recoil, the way Ten has to close the gap he puts between them, even if it's just half a step.

"I'm tired of tiptoeing around you, and I'm tired of this, like, fucking bro posturing."

"What do you think I did to Yuta?" demands Jaehyun, filled with acute fear that maybe he _didn't_ know Yuta as well as he thought he did and Yuta's told everyone, everyone knows that Jaehyun kissed him, tried to fuck him, even practically begged to, but Ten's mouth twists before he says:

"I don't know! But I can guess."

Jaehyun, rattled with relief that he wasn't wrong about Yuta but increasingly furious that Ten's in his business, making assumptions, presses forward, until Ten's the one who has to take a step back. "You don't get an opinion on Yuta and me. You don't know what's going on. Just because you fucked him doesn't mean you know everything about him."

Ten's mouth drops open, spreading in something like a smile in the next second, but far more vicious. He's quieter, deadly when he says, "I don't know everything about him, but I know enough about you."

"Bullshit," Jaehyun snarls.

"You think I didn't see how you looked at him?"

It would have been better if Ten slapped him. Jaehyun makes a noise, a staggered, primal sound of confusion.

"You think I don't see how you look at _me_?"

Even like this, sneering with anger, Ten's so fucking pretty, his fox face turned up so he can look into Jaehyun's eyes, his perfect teeth bared in that mocking smile. Jaehyun wants to taste it. He's gone this far and blown everything up behind him; why not smash another part of his life into dust?

He wants to know if it's different from kissing Yuta. He wants to know what Yuta tasted when he kissed Ten at that club.

He's drunk enough to do it, and Ten chokes a noise of shock against his mouth, which works pretty well as a reminder that this is _fucked up_ , kissing him in the middle of them trying not to scream at each other. Instantly, he starts to pull away, but Ten's fists curl into his sweater and keep him where he is.

Jaehyun's heart thuds. He's so drunk and shocked he can barely register the sensation of Ten's mouth moving against his, but he recognizes he's holding Ten's waist so carefully. Before he knows it, Ten's body is enveloped in his, his big hand cupping Ten's soft cheek, and it's not punishing, it's not angry anymore. Ten sighs into it, kissing him so sweet.

It's so… good. It's nice. Gentle. Little pecks and a few slow, exploratory brushes of their tongues. It doesn't feel like kissing Yuta, it's not that intense, but it's a genuinely good kiss between two people enjoying themselves. It's not even that sloppy, for how drunk they are.

When Ten makes a tiny sound, buzzing against Jaehyun's numb lips, it stops being quite so sweet. He can see himself letting his hands wander, letting Ten push him onto the bed, tracing Ten's tattoos with his tongue. Seeing what other sounds he's capable of.

Fuck.

Jaehyun pulls back, but he does it gently, and Ten pulls back too, but they stay sort of entwined, Jaehyun's hand on his hip, another on his cheek.

He doesn't know when he started panting, but he closes his mouth to keep it as quiet as possible.

All traces of the furious judgement is gone from Ten's voice, even as Jaehyun refuses to look at him and swallows compulsively, as he asks, "Are you okay?"

"No," he answers honestly, like a fish bone is lodged in his throat.

Ten's hold on him turns comforting; he slides his arms over Jaehyun's shoulders and pushes Jaehyun's head so he's resting his cheek on Ten's soft hair, his face mercifully hidden. "You didn't know, huh?" Ten murmurs, once Jaehyun lets out a breath and sinks into the hug.

He isn't exactly sure what Ten means. No, he didn't know he wanted to kiss Ten until he did it. He didn't know it would feel so good. So normal.

He didn't know he was attracted to Ten. That their occasional tension was… that, and not just two very different people sharing space.

Jaehyun shakes his head and is horrified to find himself trembling with what this means, how easily he could see himself sleeping with Ten even if he knows they surely would have stopped before it got that far.

"I'm sorry, Jaehyun," Ten says, in a small voice, and Jaehyun squeezes him around the middle.

"Me too," he says hoarsely, and drips tears into Ten's hair. If Ten feels it, he doesn't say anything.

\--

Getting to class the next day is a Herculean effort. He feels like he's moving through soup, and it's not a hangover, because he went to bed hydrated and totally sober. Unfortunately.

Once was an aberration. He could rationalize Yuta—he likes Yuta so much, he's never met anyone like him, and he wants Yuta to like him too, and admire him, and maybe things got twisted up because of his vanity. His desire to be wanted.

But kissing Ten was different enough, and simple enough, that he can't rationalize it. He's attracted to Ten. He's attracted to Yuta.

God, he might even be attracted to Mark, if the way he reacted when Mark checked him out isn't merely more proof he's a self-absorbed asshole. That possibility puts him jerking off after listening to Mark and Johnny in an ugly light and not just as a response to stimulus.

It's confusing, though, because it doesn't feel like his attraction to women. Kissing Ten didn't feel like kissing a woman, obviously. And his brain kind of fuzzes out if he pictures anything beyond mouths and hands.

Even after only a day, it's clear what happened between him and Ten ripped their friendship wide open—but he thinks they're going to be okay. They both know that's as far as that can be taken, for one, and Ten has too much self-respect to get tangled up in Jaehyun's mess.

When he comes home to find Ten curled up on the couch, he wants to head straight to his room, but then Ten studies him and holds up a corner of the blanket he's covered with. Jaehyun, after a beat, comes over and sits next to him, his limbs feeling stiff, like he might accidentally jab an elbow into Ten's kidney, but Ten just tucks him in.

"You wanna watch _Real Housewives_?" he asks, like this is any other day.

They're not talking about it, but Jaehyun gets the impression they could, that Ten's silence is to let Jaehyun save face.

Jaehyun nods and grabs his phone to cast the show to the TV, Ten peering down and reminding him where they left off, right before the reunion episodes. When it starts, and Jaehyun's thrust into the pointless, probably manufactured drama of other people's lives and not his own, Ten makes a point of resting against Jaehyun.

He looks down at Ten, his knees poking up and making strange shapes in the blanket, warm at Jaehyun's side, forgiving him for his stupid fucking mistake. He knows he's not worthy of it; this kind of kindness and easy closeness is meant for someone like Mark, who is good down to his bones. Not Jaehyun, who's a coward and not very capable of kindness in return.

Still, he's nothing if not selfish, so he accepts Ten's forgiveness and makes him dinner as a paltry attempt to make up for where he's come up short.

\--

When Johnny's running out to grab supplies for dinner, Jaehyun apologizes to Mark. Again. Three times make a charm, or whatever, and Jaehyun feels like he's finally scraped together enough of his tattered conscience to understand not only what he put Mark through, but maybe some of why.

"I really was an asshole the other day, and you didn't deserve it."

Mark, on his laptop, working at his job even on his day off, blinks up at him, then crinkles into a wry smile. "Aw, dude, we're fine, I already told you. Like, yeah, for a second there, I wanted to jump off a bridge because you, uh, heard. You know. But it's all good."

Jaehyun did hear _you know_. Mark was desperate for Johnny's dick. As he slipped his AirPods in, damningly late, he heard Mark beg Johnny to come in him. It still sends a prickling heat through him to remember, though now he can correctly identify it as shame that he's reacting to something he was never meant to overhear. "I get that. But I, uh. I was making it a bigger deal than it was. Like, I just put in my earbuds and went to sleep. I think I was in such a bad mood that I wanted someone else to feel bad too. And you didn't deserve it."

"Yo, can I ask, like. Why? I mean. I know you and Yuta… uh. Fought or whatever, and I don't need details," he says, raising both hands as if to physically ward off Jaehyun's explanation. "But is that it?"

It's not like Jaehyun hasn't been glaringly obvious. He never did find out what Ten's theory was surrounding the whole thing, but he bets Ten's not alone in having one. "Yeah, it was Yuta, and getting a bad grade. I've been off my game. But I think I'm figuring it out."

"Well, that's good! You're rad, you deserve to ball, like, 24/7." Mark smiles at him. He's reminded of Johnny's comment about how Mark supposedly worships him.

He really couldn't have picked a more undeserving target. Guilt makes him feel slightly ill. He should have cut out the middleman and punched himself in the face. "That's… Thanks. You're the nicest guy on Earth, Mark," he says, shaking his head, "so that means a lot."

"Aww, man. Shit." He gently closes his Macbook, looking spooked that Jaehyun complimented him. "Uh, listen, let me know if I can help you with Yuta. Like, I can mediate, maybe?"

"I don't think that's possible, dude, but thanks."

"Really?" Mark gives him an odd look, like he's trying to figure out what could have possibly gone down to burn so many bridges. Jaehyun doesn't like to consider what Mark's best guesses might be.

"Really."

"Okay, well, let me know if you change your mind. I know Yuta was, like, really close with you. I've never seen him so happy. So it would be nice to…" Mark makes a motion with his hand. "Get that back, and everything."

"Yeah, you're telling me," Jaehyun says, with a smile he carefully keeps from looking pained. He fucking _misses_ Yuta, and even talking about him and how out of reach he is to Jaehyun now hurts. The fact that he made Yuta happy hurts. "But I'm glad we're good. I don't want you to ever feel, like, unwelcome here."

"Nah, for real, I'm glad too. And maybe we can, like, text you ahead of time if we're gonna, uh."

Jaehyun laughs and pats Mark's bony shoulder. "I'll just put my AirPods in again, it isn't that serious. And it only happens when the heater's off or whatever. Sound travels through the vents."

"Ahhhh." Mark nods solemnly, like that explains everything. "Damn, that's wild. But good to know."

He hears Johnny coming in through the front door, and that's as good a reason as any to put this all to bed for good.

\--

He succumbs to his worst impulses and checks Yuta's social media. It's still unlocked, which always surprises him since Yuta's got to be a person of notoriety back home, but he guesses he's never seen anything too obviously… queer on his Instagram.

Yuta updates sporadically, but there's been a few posts since Jaehyun last looked. Yuta wearing a beer hat, Yuta kneeling on grass with a squirrel blurrily running out of the frame, Yuta holding up some manga Jaehyun's never heard of and giving it an exaggerated expression of shock.

Yuta and Sicheng, smiling together at a movie theater. Yuta's hand is on the back of Sicheng's neck, it looks like, and Sicheng's wearing one of Yuta's shirts. It's the Helmut Lang that looked so good on him.

Jaehyun puts his phone down in a flush of rage, of jealousy so strong and terrible it's like it fractures him into two. One half wants to rip the shirt off poor Sicheng, to go back in time, appear at that movie theater, and demand to know if Yuta is breaking his rule of only hooking up for Sicheng and his stupidly wide smile. The other half is bewildered by the force of his feelings and almost amused by it. He's never felt like this. He rarely feels jealousy, or envy.

Once, at the movies with Lela, she flirted with a concession worker just to see what he'd do, not long after one of their fights about him being uninvested in their relationship. He was mostly irritated that her little performance was going to make them miss the previews.

 _I swear to God it's like you wouldn't care if I slept with half the city_.

_Babe, obviously I would care, of course I fucking care. But it's not like you're going to do that. So what, you want me to beat on my chest and drag you away or something?_

_I don't know, it might be better than standing there and checking your watch._

_  
_ He's almost awed by it, the red-hot possessiveness in him, possessiveness he has no right to. Yuta can date or fuck whoever he wants; he can not want to fuck Jaehyun, or even speak to him, and that's his right too. Jaehyun can't do anything about it.

He's lived a charmed life; if there's something he wants, he can usually get it. People aren't possessions, but Jaehyun had ease there too, when he tried. Lela had a line of men, many of them men Jaehyun knew, salivating after her, and she agreed to date him after one conversation at a party.

Coveting is new to him.

\--

When Jaehyun comes, he grunts with surprise that it happens so fast.

He started out carefully picturing nothing, but flashes crept in on him anyway: the softness of Ten's mouth, the way Yuta felt under his hands, so smooth and hot. He gave in and let himself imagine how it would have gone if Jaehyun played his cards right, if Yuta gave in to what was between them and sucked him off on the couch. If he hurriedly unzipped and Jaehyun got to see him hard, shaky hands but firm voice as he taught Jaehyun how he likes to be sucked.

The punch of a hard and quick orgasm nearly washed away the unease of picturing Yuta and Ten, but it didn't erase the memory.

Before he goes to sleep, he rolls over, body sated and heavy but his brain whirring, reliving it over and over.

 **Jaehyun:** Please pretend I never asked you this  
**Jaehyun:** Can you recommend some good porn?  
**Ten:** 😢 I'M SO PROUD  
**Ten:** Wait you mean gay porn right  
**Jaehyun:** No I came to you, noted expert on straight porn, for jerkoff material  
**Ten:** Okay okay  
**Ten:** Don't sass me when I'm doing you a favor  
**Ten:** Give me 1 minute  
**Ten:** Do you have anything you know you like? Any kinks????  
**Jaehyun:** I don't need it right now  
**Jaehyun:** If you find any that's good you can send it to me I guess  
**Ten:** Well excuse me for assuming you're trying to finish  
**Jaehyun:** Oh my god  
**Ten:** Nm nm nm I'll just start you off easy, we'll work up to kinks  
**Jaehyun:** I'm going to bed  
**Jaehyun:** Have fun

In a matter of minutes, Ten sends a link to a Google Drive folder. Jaehyun forces himself to put the phone down and curl up in his blankets. It takes him longer than usual to fall asleep, even though coming usually knocks him out. He's still too unsettled to drop off like normal.

Unsettled and curious.

\--

Jaehyun has a normal morning only because he forcibly puts that conversation and the lingering guilt from using Yuta and Ten the way he did out of his mind. It's leg day, so when he gets home, he pours his broken body onto the couch to recuperate.

Ten arriving home makes him wonder for a moment if it will be awkward, after what Jaehyun asked for and the connotations of it, but like before, Ten's totally normal. They start a new season of _Real Housewives_ , Ten sighing at one of the glittering housewives’ fashion in her little interview segments, and curls up on Jaehyun, pulling the blanket over them both when Jaehyun grimaces reaching for it. It's nice, their new normal. He thinks he sees why so many of the gay-togethers ended in cuddle piles.

He's still not used to this kind of casually affectionate attention being directed at him, but he slips his arm behind Ten's waist and tells the part of him that's worried this looks sus as hell to shut up. It's not like he didn't already put his tongue in Ten's mouth.

They break into his hummus and veggie chips, and he's glad he managed not to shatter _this_ relationship with his bullshit, that Ten hasn't brought up the fact that they kissed or that Jaehyun cried on him.

Johnny gets home and joins them, though he's grading papers on his laptop and texting Mark and not really watching the show. There's no trace of the tension in the house that dogged him for days. Jaehyun gets comfortable enough to think about how he'll spend the rest of his night. Quiet excitement and trepidation simmer in the background as he cooks and eats dinner, as he showers—and reminds himself to hire a handyman to come by and fix the fan—and then, finally, as he heads to his bedroom for the night.

Ten sent him what looks like amateur stuff, to start, and Jaehyun's biggest surprise is that it's a mix of Japanese—censored, even—and Korean.

He sent other links too, but he made a note about trying this first since he's "a literal baby." Jaehyun puts in his AirPods and clicks one that from the thumbnail looks like a massage, breath already trapped in his chest.

\--

An hour and two orgasms later, Jaehyun sets his phone down, careful not to get it sticky. He broke into his lube to make it better, especially when he found himself jerking too hard and fast and it started to chafe, and he's got come in various stages of drying in his pubes and on his stomach. He's shaking.

He cleans up with his bedside wet wipes, but he barely registers the cold touch of them to his overheated skin. He feels barely tethered to his body.

It still freaked him out; the dissonance of watching porn and not seeing a woman in it still made him want to laugh uneasily. The angles of the guys going at it were the farthest thing from flattering too, but he couldn't look away. He turned up the volume to hear the moaning better—to hear the guy moaning when he was played with, worked up, rubbed all over, and flipped, all but boneless, onto his stomach to take dick in a way that looked so impossibly easy. An unbroken slide.

He's done anal, he knows it's not that easy, but maybe. Maybe sometimes it can be. Maybe it's better with practice. Maybe he could just slide inside Yuta like that, until Yuta's gasping and begging for it, or maybe Yuta prefers it the other way around.

It's not like he didn't know there's a lot of enjoyment to be had from the prostate, but the fact that it's buried deep inside of a literal asshole meant Jaehyun never got curious enough to overcome that hurdle. He never considered it because it's for men not like him. Gay men, or more adventurous men. Even the pegging he's seen has turned him off, mostly, because he couldn't get over what it meant for the guy to be in that position. How wrong it looked.

But this didn't turn him off. This got him to beat it so hard he ground his teeth.

Once his hands are slick with wet-wipe residue and not come, he closes out of the Drive folder and opens up his texts with Ten. He hovers his fingers over the keyboard but can't think of what to type.

Ten told him to say what he liked or disliked so he could pinpoint the perfect video for him, but none of that's necessary now. Jaehyun got off easy, and good, and all it took was some gentle, playful, real-looking sex.

Of course he didn't like the plastic mass-produced shit he found. He avoids it in his usual porn viewing, and he watches way more Japanese and Korean porn in general too. Of course professional white dudes oiled up, skipping all the foreplay, and grunting canned dirty talk at each other didn't work on him.

Jaehyun laughs, an ugly hitch in his chest, and tells himself not to send any texts while he's like this. Reeling, sex-drunk. Emotional, honestly. He's not a crier—that hasn't come naturally to him since he was a child, and he thinks snotting into Ten's hair might be his limit for the year—but crying would be easier than this, the expanding pressure in his chest as he realizes how stupid he's been.

Ten found a key to his lock so easily. Is it, like, emanating from him? The fact that he's a needy bastard who wants to kiss nearly every goddamn man in his life? That he wanted to fuck Yuta so bad he threw their friendship away for a shot at it? Is he pinging everyone's fucking gaydar or whatever and totally oblivious to it?

He's so stupid. He's so selfish.

He doesn't have anything to hide behind anymore. His body proved how feeble his excuses, his rationalizations, were.

Though Jaehyun's eyes are blurry, since he's been staring unseeing at his texts, he sees the notification pop up. It's Donghyuck.

 **DH:** Can you come get me  
**DH:** Nevermind I'll get an uber  
**Jaehyun:** Where are you, I'm coming right now

Donghyuck texts him an address, and Jaehyun peels himself from his mattress and finds some clothes to change into in a daze. He thinks the sweatshirt he grabbed is actually dirty, but that doesn't matter right now. Donghyuck isn't the type to text him out of nowhere, or to ask for help, and Jaehyun's meltdown over his sexual preferences has waited this long—it can wait a little longer.

\--

He collects Donghyuck from outside a badly lit building between a Jiu Jitsu place and a Bible supply store. Donghyuck doesn't say anything when he climbs into the Audi, but he's shivering, so Jaehyun cranks up the heat and turns on some music to fill the silence to make it less conspicuous.

He isn't sure where he's headed, so he just drives for a while, taking them by the library and then in a loop back to the street they came from. Donghyuck didn't say anything about heading home, but Jaehyun doesn't have his address anyway.

"Are you hungry?" he asks, and Donghyuck makes a low sound of assent. His head is bowed, his hands—not wearing gloves, when the weather has turned to snow and ice—curled up on his lap.

He finds a shitty always-open diner; he doesn't think Donghyuck wants to put in work to pretend to be human at a nicer place, and anyway, he needs garbage comfort food. If they were in a different neighborhood, he might even try for a Korean place, but this is the best option for now.

Inside, it smells like grease and maple syrup, and Donghyuck collects himself enough to pull down his jacket hood and fiddle with the little container of sugar packets in their booth. The waitress called them both honey and left them with their menus and terrible tap water, but Jaehyun is glad to see Donghyuck smiled back at her.

"Who gets fish at a place like this?" Donghyuck mutters, flipping through the laminated menu.

Jaehyun's decided on a country skillet with a side of hash browns, because when in Rome. If there were ever a night for diner food, it's this one. "Americans are weird," he agrees, but brightens into a smile when the waitress comes back to take their orders.

Donghyuck gets a burger and fries and a slice of pie. When Jaehyun realizes they have pie, he asks for a slice of apple with a scoop of vanilla ice cream too, thank you, it sounds so good, and the waitress praises his choice. He admires how thoroughly she sells it, the way her mask of kind customer service doesn't crack once.

"You don't need to tell me now," Jaehyun says, after Donghyuck spends the wait for their food frowning, sighing, and adjusting his position in the booth, still fiddling with the sugar packets. "But I do need to know where I'm bringing you." He sips bitter diner coffee she poured without asking. "You're welcome to crash on the couch."

"No, I'll go… home," Donghyuck sighs. "Jesus, I'm so dramatic."

Jaehyun nudges him under the table with his foot. He's not in house slippers, but it was a near thing. He's lucky his Toms went on so easily. "Eat first, talk later."

The skillet is actually really good, even if Jaehyun's delicate taste buds feel like they'll never recover from the onslaught of cheese and grease. Donghyuck gets enthusiastic about the burger once he's had a few bites, and he finishes that first and ends up gnawing on fries one at a time.

The pie is delicious, and Donghyuck finds his best smile to ask for a scoop of ice cream himself.

By the time Donghyuck starts talking, Jaehyun is so full he's grateful he wore a loose sweatshirt and sweatpants. It's almost too warm inside the diner, so he pushes up his sleeves, and he stops drinking the coffee in favor of the tap water.

"Taeil caught me after rehearsal. I figured I was done being dramatic, and like, all the signs were telling me this had gone on long enough, but." He blows out a breath and smashes the remains of his pie with his spoon. "I thought I was ready for it, but I wasn't."

"Did he have an explanation for it? You know, leading you on?"

"Same one he's always had." Donghyuck scrunches up his nose. "He was visiting the campus to decide if he wanted to move to America and take the position when he met me, and then he realized I thought he was a student and felt awkward about correcting me, and _then_ he realized I was in the vocal program. He was just embarrassed. And he didn't have any other friends."

"That's… honestly kind of weird," Jaehyun says. He's reminded, though, of how embarrassed he was to tell Yuta he was straight. He can see in some other universe letting that farce continue longer than it did, if things went differently.

Almost like it happened and he's reliving a memory, Jaehyun can see himself letting Yuta into his bedroom and touching him, kissing him, until Jaehyun babbles out that he's never done this before, and Yuta promises to take good care of him.

And then they never really see each other again beyond strained group outings, because Jaehyun's too fucked up by it and Yuta's got his hook-up-only policy.

Jaehyun abandons that strange sidetrack of a fantasy because this is about Donghyuck, not him.

"It's fucking insane," Donghyuck says, laughing. "He thought I wouldn't be friends with him or something, if he was an instructor?"

"Maybe," Jaehyun says.

"He said he knew it was weird, and kind of mean, but he's so awkward that he never managed to actually say it. He started to a couple times, apparently." Donghyuck smiles as if remembering, the edges pained, and pulls out a packet of Sweet'n Low to flip it back and forth against his palm. "And then I tried to kiss him, and he just ghosted me."

"And then he was your instructor."

"Yeah." Donghyuck stares down at the table, mouth twisted, the pink sweetener still flickering against his palm.

The pieces of this disjointed, strange story slot together better in Jaehyun's mind. "You really liked him, didn't you?" he says at length.

Donghyuck looks up from the table but not at Jaehyun; he studies the interior of the diner and the twinkling lights pinned up in the windows. "Yeah, I did."

It's weird to see him be so honest.

It's weird they're doing this in English too, but maybe Donghyuck needs that distance.

"I get the feeling you don't like people very much. Not like that," he hurries to clarify, when Donghyuck gives him an affronted look. "Romantically, I mean."

"How could you tell? Is it how I never go on dates?"

"I mean, I know you're asexual," Jaehyun says, as quietly as possible. "But that doesn't mean you can't date if you want to."

"Apparently," Donghyuck says on a heavy exhale. "I was thinking about it again, with Taeil."

Jaehyun isn't one hundred percent sure what Donghyuck means by _it_ , but he gets the gist. He gets the idea that Donghyuck was hit so hard by Taeil's lack of disclosure, and his critiques, because he let him in. If Donghyuck didn't still like him, at least a little, he wouldn't be so fixated. "That's not a bad thing," Jaehyun says mildly. "You shouldn't feel bad even if it ended up not working out."

"I feel bad because I spent a year humiliated while Taeil pointed out every single flaw I have."

The Taeil Jaehyun briefly encountered seemed like he believed in Donghyuck's abilities, maybe even admired him. Jaehyun doesn't remind him of that. This feels precarious enough, and Jaehyun's still rattled even if he's focusing on Donghyuck's problems and not his own. "But he wants to apologize and I'm guessing move on, so that's something. And he's not your instructor anymore, so maybe you guys can call a… ceasefire? Is that what it's called?"

Donghyuck pours the Sweet'n Low into his own coffee and takes a sip, following it with a grimace. He didn't even bother to stir it. "Sure, I guess. It's just that… I got fired, and that means I might not be able to stay in America, and then Taeil on top of it made me feel like spinning out or something."

"Excuse me, back up—you lost your _job_? What, today?"

"Mhm." Donghyuck takes another sip despite the intensifying disgust he wears at the taste. "I'm not even mad about it. I hated that fucking job, even if I looked cute in my uniform." He laughs. "Maybe it's easier to freak out about Taeil than my immigration status."

"We can talk about whatever you want to talk about, but. Dude."

Donghyuck shrugs. "If I have to move back home, Taeil's not my problem anymore. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise."

"Uh, do you want to move back to Jeju?"

Donghyuck makes a considering noise. "Nope. Hey, do you know anyone in the market for a husband? A fake one? A gay, celibate husband?"

Jaehyun laughs despite himself. "Please don't get into a green card marriage. I'll find you a job."

"Oh, sure, it's that easy. I've got a degree in music and a work Visa. I only got the last job because the owner is Korean."

"I got Mark a job, I can get you a job. I know people, and they know people." He shakes his head. "Shit, I could hire you to be my personal assistant or something if it gets really desperate."

Donghyuck laughs so hard, Jaehyun sees how good his dental work is. "Oh my God. Rich people are weird."

"You have no idea," Jaehyun says. "But seriously, don't worry about the job thing. Send me your resume and I'll start making some calls."

"Fuck, you're for real."

"Totally. You're not leaving America unless you want to. And if you need any help in the meantime—"

Donghyuck raises a hand. "I have _some_ pride, thank you. And I have savings. Please stop trying to make me your charity case, okay, I get it. You'll… get me a job," he says dubiously.

The waitress comes to collect their plates and drop off the check, and Jaehyun hands her his card, which he's had ready for a minute. Donghyuck smiles up at her, and it looks genuine; he remembers Donghyuck was a waiter, until today, and he probably knows the hell of serving people, even if the venues were very different. He worked at some trendy tapas place or something.

"Now you can go back to freaking out over Taeil," Jaehyun says.

"Fuck," Donghyuck mutters.

"Listen, I get it. I'm… having a weird day too. But all we can do is take it day by day, moment by moment. You don't have to decide if you want to be friends with him again, or forgive him at all."

Donghyuck makes a face Jaehyun can't quite parse. "You wanna talk about your thing and distract me from mine?"

"Not really."

"It's Yuta, though, right?" Donghyuck asks, and he leans over the table when Jaehyun sighs. "No, come on, who am I going to tell?"

"Uh, Mark," Jaehyun says instantly.

Donghyuck waves a hand. "He doesn't count. And I wouldn't, not if you didn't want me to."

Donghyuck looks surprisingly earnest, and Jaehyun would bet he's excited to have the opportunity to dwell on someone else's mess. It's not like Jaehyun hasn't been doing the same thing the whole time. He sucks in his cheeks, not caring if he looks stupid, and bites his lip. His body is too full of carbs to fidget, but his face isn't. "Well, it only took me trying to sleep with Yuta, and making out with Ten, and jerking it to gay porn to realize I might not be... you know. One hundred percent heterosexual."

Jaehyun feels like an idiot when there's no immediate response, just Donghyuck's mouth compressed into a hard line with bright eyes like he's trying not to laugh. But then, in the next second, when his receipt and card are gently left on the table, he realizes their waitress is right there. That she heard him say _jerking it to gay porn_.

"Oh honey," she says, as Jaehyun slowly turns to look up at her. "You have a good night, okay? Just… take care."

Donghyuck chokes on laughter when she walks away, and Jaehyun is the kind of embarrassed that makes him want to crawl under the table, but he can admit it's not that bad in the scheme of things. He never has to come back here, or see that poor woman again, for one.

"Oh my God," Donghyuck wails, the diner lights making his eyes gleam even more. "You— _Thank_ you, oh my God. This is the best day of my life."

"You got fired today, remember? Get up, I'm driving you home," Jaehyun says, ears burning. He tugs down his sleeves and doesn't wait for Donghyuck after signing the bill and leaving an enormous tip.

The cold night air hits him like a wake-up call, but he's almost smiling at how ridiculous this is. Donghyuck's personal crisis, his truly shitty day, next to Jaehyun's cliche discovery feels like they've combined for a farce.

Plus he told the truth and the world didn't end.

Donghyuck is fast on his heels, and he's still giggling when he gets into the car. "I'm happy for you, or whatever, but please let me have this," he says, and Jaehyun just asks for his address.

\--

He drops Donghyuck in front of his apartment building, and even if Donghyuck has stopped laughing—and tried to talk to Jaehyun about his revelation, which Jaehyun shut down because the moment was definitely over—he still looks much better than he did earlier, a hunched and cold figure outside of that building.

Jaehyun drives away with the contesting feelings of regret and pride. He's already cooking up a few options for Donghyuck's next job, and he's wondering if one of the guys in his program is still an investor in that piano bar he talked about last year. Donghyuck is happiest when he's singing, even Jaehyun knows that, and he doesn't need to waste his time serving tourists and busting his ass on his feet all day to make rent. Jaehyun wants to find him something in music, and failing that, something low-impact with a flexible schedule. It shouldn't be impossible.

Fixating on Donghyuck's situation has the added benefit of keeping him from dwelling on how much gay sex apparently does it for him. He'll take the distraction for what it is.

Right before he pulls up into the driveway, he gets a text message from So-hyun, and it's a bad habit to read it, even if the neighborhood is dead at this hour.

 **So-hyun:** So… What kind of clothes should I pack for Chicago this time of year?

Jaehyun manages to park without crashing into the side of the house, but he almost forgets to set the parking brake.

 **Jaehyun:** What  
**So-hyun:** I told Dad it's crucial I attend a conference there, but really I just miss my baby bro  
**Jaehyun:** You're coming to Chicago? When?  
**So-hyun:** My flight lands Monday evening  
**So-hyun:** Please don't feel obligated to pick me up, I'm just going straight to the hotel to sleep  
**So-hyun:** But Tuesday, I'm all yours! Not even one meeting on the calendar

Jaehyun gapes down at the words, wondering how this is happening and how on Earth he's going to be ready to merge the two halves of his life by Tuesday.

So-hyun's coming, he doesn't have to wait until Christmas to hug her, to see her, his dearest person, but he's not prepared for her. He needs time to switch gears, to get his shit in order.

She could have decided to drop everything and come to Chicago when Jaehyun _wasn't_ in the middle of an identity crisis.

Still, that's not her fault. He pushes back the smallest amount of worry and focuses on how he gets to show his sister around the city, spend time with her away from the pressures of Jung Enterprises and her typically packed schedule. Last Christmas, she left dinner earlier to put out an unexpected logistics fire, saying she didn't want their father to miss out when she could handle it herself. He didn't see her again until New Year's, and he flew back to Chicago the day after.

They'll have days together, with only the conference and Jaehyun's not exactly packed class schedule as distractions. They haven't had that much one-on-one time since before Jaehyun left Korea. Even if they text a lot, it's different from spending time together.

 **Jaehyun:** I can't wait. I miss you  
**So-hyun:** I miss you too! You've had me worried lately, you're so distant, but this way we can catch up in person

Great. So his sister, who knows him better than anyone and has a history of trying to handle all of Jaehyun's problems, to the point of trying to find him girlfriends and arguing with referees over bad calls, knows something's up with him. And he's going to have to explain Yuta's sudden absence from his life in a way that will satisfy her curiosity.

This is going to end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for no real Yuta screentime this chapter, but he was off trying to process the hot mess his personal life had become. He'll be back!!!! 
> 
> Sorry for putting Ten through it this chapter too. He deserves better, even if you can't trust him not to start fights when he gets some liquor in him.
> 
> Feel free to follow me on Twitter to see how much chapter five takes its vengeance upon me for chapter four's relative smooth sailing! [@sssneakiest](https://twitter.com/sssneakiest)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a general note, Jaehyun's opinions of his looks aren't mine. He's just… he's hypercritical.
> 
> I couldn't believe how quickly the last chapter was written, and then this one decided to break that record. I feel like chapter six (hopefully the last chapter, but we may be dealing with an epilogue too) is going to dig its heels in as retribution, but we'll see.
> 
> I'm having a ball writing this, and I'm so grateful for everyone who has commented, tweeted, DM'd, or otherwise expressed affection in this fic's direction. I truly do appreciate it; I'm having a weird month or so (tbh who isn't lol), and the response from folks is doing a lot to make me slow down and appreciate the good stuff. <3
> 
> As always, the biggest hugs to Tay.

Jaehyun pulls up to the Langham valet entrance around ten minutes after So-hyun said she'd be ready, and he still has to wait another five for her to come downstairs. He's used to her schedule, the way she runs on So-hyun time unless there's an important meeting and her assistant has worked miracles to ensure she's the first in the room, but it's been a while since he's waited around for her.

All of that drops away, though, when she strides out of the glass doors, a coffee in one hand and her phone in the other, peering down at it.

 **So-hyun:** I'm here

Jaehyun observes her, the surreality of his sister in Chicago, and for only the second time. She tightens the belt on her Burberry trench coat while she scans the cars idling outside. He parked a few lengths up from the doors, and when she sees his Audi and remembers that's what he drives now, he watches her face smooth over into delight.

She's wearing her signature red lipstick, and her hair is in gentle waves, the bob well grown out now. She looks as beautiful as she did when he would get home after school to find her sweaty and red from the sun and exertion in her tennis gear, drinking a smoothie their housekeeper made, strands of hair sticking to the back of her neck and coming loose from a no-nonsense ponytail.

He can't believe it's nearly been a year since he's seen her.

Jaehyun waves, and her smile gets even bigger. They match, though her dimples are less prominent than his and her mouth a little wider. Her lower lip is thinner, which she likes to complain about loudly.

Just as opens his door to properly greet her, he sees her assistant Iseul rush out of the doors and lean in to say something, stalling her progress to the car.

He waits until she nods at Iseul and then jogs over to the car in her sensible flats. So-hyun might look like she stepped out of a boutique advertisement, but she only wears heels at work. She walks faster than he does, or at least she used to.

"Jaehyunnie, you look so handsome," she calls out when she nears him. "Who's this prince waiting for me?"

"Knock it off," he says, and takes her coffee from her. He kisses her cheek so softly he barely feels it, but the smell of her perfume makes him feel downright sappy. She beams at him and walks around to the passenger side, and by the time she's getting buckled in, Jaehyun is seated, her coffee in the holder, his GPS up and ready to take her anywhere she wants to go. "You look well-rested," he says, glancing over.

"I am. I'm good at sleeping on planes." She turns in the seat and studies him, then flicks a lock of hair off his forehead. "Ah, it's good to see you. I can't believe it."

"You too. And Iseul," he says, glancing back at the entrance to see she's vanished already.

She shrugs and reaches for her coffee. "It has to look like a real trip."

"No, I mean… we could have invited her." He likes Iseul; she's been a mainstay at his sister's side since she returned to Korea after college, and during the busiest weeks of the year, sometimes it's easier to contact her instead of trying to rely on So-hyun to remember things. While he wants time alone with his sister, he doesn't want to shut Iseul out.

"She gets a day off too. I told her to go shopping."

"Can you go a whole day without her?" he teases. "Quick, let me text her for your coffee order."

She taps him with a swat. "Yah, make your jokes. But honestly, without that girl, I wouldn't know where I was or what I was doing."

"I assume she made a list," Jaehyun says. "Where are we off to?"

"I want American food," So-hyun declares. " _I_ made a list. Deep-dish pizza, that Chicago hot dog. Portillo's. Oh, and Au Cheval. I want you to roll me back to the hotel."

He tries to picture So-hyun staring down a cake shake and laughs. "It's ten-thirty in the morning, I think it might be early for a hot dog."

"But not brunch," she says. "Take me somewhere already, I'm starving."

"Brunch," he affirms.

"And then shopping."

He knows how to get to several good brunch places from here, so he doesn't bother with GPS as he pulls away from the hotel. Later, they'll go to Magnificent Mile; he already knew she would want to play dress-up with him, same as always, so he wore clothes easy to get in and out of, with a minimum of buttons and zips.

The last time So-hyun was in the city, it was for his graduation. Their parents arranged a family visit to the Art Institute, and So-hyun kept stepping away to take hushed calls. Their father cut the day short, and Jaehyun had to explain to Lela that the planned dinner to introduce her to everyone was going to be at the hotel, not the best restaurant in the city, and that his father might not be there.

Now, there's no rush and chaos of commencement; no endless photos; no nervous and disappointed Lela. It's just him and his sister. Jaehyun couldn't be happier.

Well, he could, if he knew his plans to introduce her to his friends included Yuta. But he'll take what he can get.

"Don't follow that car so closely, are you crazy?" she demands.

Jaehyun flattens his mouth to keep from telling her where she, and her lack of driver's license, can put her advice. He does give the car another three seconds of lead time, even though they're pulling up to a red light.

"So," So-hyun says, sipping her skinny vanilla latte, eyebrows raised in his direction. "Are you dating anyone?"

"Oh my God."

"I'm your sister, you have to tell me."

"I tell you everything, so _no_ , you know I'm not dating."

She makes an unsatisfied noise. Jaehyun decides to pick a brunch place closer to the hotel so he can get some food in her quicker and hopefully she'll be too busy to ask any more questions about the sad state of his personal life.

\--

Jaehyun pops the button to close the trunk, securing the bags and bags they're amassed over the last three hours.

"I want a hot dog," So-hyun says when he climbs into the car. She's fiddling with his playlist and making faces at his music taste, as usual. "A famous Chicago dog."

"I thought you said you wanted deep dish next," Jaehyun says.

"I've decided I'll have some tomorrow, after the conference. I'll split it with Iseul."

"Isn't Iseul lactose intolerant?"

"She has pills! Oh, it's pretty here. I forgot what it looked like." She hums and stares out the window, hair tucked behind her stick-out ears, and Jaehyun smiles even if she insisted on buying him the ugliest pastel sweaters in existence. "Do you live near here?"

"Not very close, no, but it's only a twenty-minute drive."

"Can we get hot dogs on the way?"

"The way to where?" Jaehyun asks, but he suspects he already knows.

They have a dinner planned on Thursday for her to meet "everyone," though sometimes it seems like So-hyun forgets he has another roommate who isn't Ten.

"Your house," she says, yawning.

Okay. So she's not coming over only on Thursday. She's coming over today.

Jaehyun tried to suggest meeting near her hotel for dinner, but she said she wanted to come over and see him in his natural habitat. Jaehyun had the maid come by outside of her usual weekly schedule and found himself scrubbing the backsplash with a toothbrush at midnight; to say he's uneasy having So-hyun at the house is an understatement.

It's not like she doesn't know he moved out of a luxury apartment into an old house with two out men—she complained a lot about how stupid she thought the guys in his program were when the jokes and rumors kicked up—but it's one thing to know, intellectually, that Jaehyun is surrounded by second-hand furniture, and it's another to see it firsthand.

He finally hid the bean bag chair and replaced it with a new armchair. And he got a new coffee table since Johnny keeps forgetting to use coasters even though his mom scolds him about it every time she visits.

But he can't exactly deny her, and So-hyun might have her opinions, but he knows she'll keep them to herself. He'll still be able to read them on her carefully polite face.

He takes her to the Portillo's on Taylor so she can get her hot dog, and he teases her about the cake shake, a whole giant piece of chocolate cake blended into ice cream, which she refuses to believe exists until he points it out on the menu.

She gets a look of grim determination in her eye that honestly scares him, and the next thing he knows, it's sitting on the table between them. So-hyun has her sleeves rolled up, and she's licking a smear of chocolate frosting from her thumb.

She steels herself for a sip of the shake. Her face goes through a few emotions, including pure bewilderment, until she nods to herself. "Okay, it's… it's pretty good."

"I sure hope it is, because I know I'm going to end up finishing it."

"My human garbage disposal," she says, and finally starts in on the hot dog.

She's groaning dramatically by the time he hauls her out of there, and half a cake shake is sitting like cement in his stomach too, but it reminds him of when she would sneak junk food into her room and they'd devour it together while watching movies, careful not to leave crumbs or wrappers for the housekeeper to notice.

"I don't know how you've survived this long here," she says.

"I cook for myself most the time, you know that."

"Ahhh, I forget someone in this family can cook. I miss your cooking, actually, your stew is better than my chef's. Okay, no more talking about food," she says, a little strangled, and settles into the seat heavily, looking out the window as they drive to the university district, which he thinks she might have clearer memories of.

The trip is quiet, almost sleepy, as they both try to ignore how full they are, and So-hyun murmurs some commentary about the scenery, what she thinks she recognizes from the last trip.

As they enter Woodlawn, Jaehyun clears his throat. "I'm pretty close to campus," he explains. "In the spring, sometimes I walk instead of driving."

"You should come jogging with me tomorrow morning," she says. "Show me all the good routes."

He doesn't jog downtown much, but the Lakefront Trail is good enough and close to her hotel. If she wakes up tomorrow with time to do it, he'll make the drive downtown.

 _If_ she wakes up in time, which odds are she won't.

Jaehyun turns onto his street, doing his best to ignore the beaten-up cars in some driveways, the abandoned and rusting basketball hoop near the street corner. He remembers the drive to meet Johnny and Ten well over a year ago, how bemused he was, how he felt guilty for being bemused. It's a nice neighborhood. The neighbors are friendly, though they still complain to him about the ragers Sehun used to throw before Jaehyun's time and get testy about people parking on their lawns. There's no reason Jaehyun should feel embarrassed for the way he lives now. A lot of people his age would kill to live in this neighborhood.

All the work he's done to acclimate to a less insanely privileged way of life, and he's jittery his sister will think he's living in squalor or something. Fuck, he'll never be done.

"Are you _nervous_?" So-hyun asks him, and he realizes he's been gnawing his lower lip and has fallen silent again.

"I thought you'd come over Thursday like we talked about," he says.

"It doesn't matter when I come! I want to see your home. I want to meet all your friends." As Jaehyun pulls into the drive, he notices Johnny's mom's sedan is parked on the street and doesn't know how he feels about it. Mrs. Suh is hard not to like, and so is So-hyun, but they both radiate an intense female energy that he worries might clash. "Oh, no, do you think anyone will be home at this hour? It's before five."

"Johnny's home," Jaehyun says. "I don't know about the object of your obsession."

"Hush, you just don't have an appreciation for art the way I do. Is this it? Oh, it's so cute."

She's unbuckling and stepping out, coat unbelted, marching up to the front door and turning back around to gesture impatiently at him. He leaves the bags where they are in the trunk for now to deal with later and jogs to catch up with her.

\--

To Jaehyun's relief, Mrs. Suh _loves_ So-hyun, asking her about her favorite spots in Gangnam and her apartment and what she does on a given day. Her Korean is even more rapid-fire than her English, and Jaehyun feels like he's learning a new side to Johnny's mom when she's speaking her native tongue and around another woman. So-hyun loves to talk about work, so that carries them through a good half-hour of sitting at the dining room table, drinking tea that Johnny made, as Johnny and Jaehyun get absolutely iced out of the conversation.

Mrs. Suh climbed her own corporate ladder, in heels, and it doesn't take long for So-hyun to pick up on that, smiling and leaning in to listen to her own stories about tricking men into thinking they're useful when they're actually getting in her way.

Jaehyun discovers she came down from the suburbs to buy Johnny new winter tires, since the snow has started early this year. Jaehyun knows Johnny feels like shit about it; every time he asks his parents for something, it takes him a week of working up to it and cursing his TA stipend and the fact that he can't put much time into growing his side business as a photographer yet. Jaehyun learned quickly not to offer to loan him money or straight-up give him money instead of having to ask his parents; Johnny took it as an insult, though he's fine with Jaehyun buying food or stuff for the house. He has trouble pinpointing the limits of what he's allowed to do, but after a year, he has a general sense of what Johnny, and Ten, will suffer accepting.

Jaehyun takes time to digest and wrap his head around the image of So-hyun in his dining room. She's forgone her perfect posture and is hunched over the mug of tea Johnny topped up for her, and her red lipstick hasn't been reapplied since their late lunch. It's incredible that she's here, that she knew he felt adrift and rearranged her whole life to attend some nothing conference just to see him. So-hyun has always had his back, even when they weren't speaking after he moved. She sent care packages she tried to pretend were from their mother.

The quiet, comfortable mood has Jaehyun relaxing some, though she's asked for a house tour and has yet to see his room. It instantly changes, though, when Ten comes home and So-hyun perks up like a bloodhound at the sound of someone else in the house.

"Is that—" she asks Jaehyun, nodding in the direction of the front door, and Jaehyun smiles.

"Ten, get in here," he calls.

"Oh!" Ten rustles over to them from the hallway where he was probably sorting the mail. "Is that Mama Suh's car I saw— Oh my God, hi! It's Mama Suh and it's Jaehyun's perfect sister!"

"Ten!" his sister exclaims, hearts in her eyes. "You're my favorite! Don't tell Jaehyun."

He jolts at the sound of her English, rarely used but still impeccable, soft at the edges with a hint of a British accent.

They went to the same international private school, but she spent years in England. When she came back, Jaehyun picked up some of her pronunciation, but that's long gone now. His English sounds as American as it possibly could, but of course hers still sounds British, and her accent is stronger.

They don't sound like brother and sister. They might look like it, almost unmistakably, but the similarity of their speech is gone, in English.

Jaehyun snaps out of his funk when Ten gives his sister ostentatious air kisses. He squeezes her hands and coos over how pretty she is, how she makes Jaehyun look like a bumpkin.

So-hyun laughs. "Do you want to come to Korea with me?"

"Honey, say the word, I'll get my passport and say bye-bye to the Midwest."

He's glad they've all taken to her. So-hyun has the graces of their mother and the directness of their father; Jaehyun's got the leftovers he snuck off her plate. Still, he's proud as he watches her charm them all, asking Johnny about Mark, saying she wants to meet Ten's sister in London the next time she visits, asking to see her Instagram to look at her designs.

There's a hiccup when she mentions Yuta, though, saying she can't wait to meet him.

Johnny's gaze flickers to Jaehyun, and one strong eyebrow hikes up, but no one else gives it away.

Jaehyun says, as normally as possible, kicking himself for not giving her his excuse earlier, when they weren't in front of three people who will know he's lying, "Yuta had to go to Japan for a family emergency. So you'll have to meet him next time."

So-hyun's shoulders slump. "Ah, really? Well, send him my best."

Mrs. Suh pats Jaehyun on the shoulder when she passes by to head to the kitchen, and Jaehyun is grateful his ears didn't start to sting. Maybe So-hyun's been away long enough that he can fool her now. Maybe the presence of other people meant she was distracted. Whatever the reason, Jaehyun is grateful for it, and he finishes his mug of tea with relief that her Yuta questions will end there.

\--

So-hyun's sitting cross-legged on his floor, sorting through his vinyl collection, with their dad's favorite Donny Hathaway album spinning on his turntable.

"Who is this?" she demands, holding up Cigarettes After Sex. "Is this more of your slow sad music?"

"Yeah," he says. "You wouldn't like it."

She gently lays it on the pile she has no interest in. "When did you even get a record player?"

"Lela got it for me two Christmases ago."

Her head comes up. "And you kept it?"

"It was a nice gift. I'm not going to ritually burn everything she ever bought me."

"Why not," she mutters, but snickers at his Jamie Foxx album.

He worried she would look at his clean, minimal room, with its one framed poster, the old, scuffed hardwood floor with the fluffy sheepskin area rug he draped over it, the candles on his windowsill, the overflowing closet, and make an inane compliment he knows she wouldn't mean. But instead, So-hyun fiddled with the picture of them on his desk, smiling down at it, made noises of approval at his well-organized shoes, and demanded he convince her his music taste had improved.

There's a knock on the partially open door, and Jaehyun is surprised to see Mrs. Suh standing at the threshold.

"I'm going to make dinner," she says, "but first the boys and I were going to play some badugi. Do you want to join us?"

So-hyun makes a face and rubs her stomach. "I'm still so full from that cake shake, I'm sorry. But I'm happy to play badugi before I go. I haven't played since… gosh, college?"

"My sister's really good at cards," Jaehyun says as a friendly warning, making deliberate eye contact with Mrs. Suh so she knows she actually has a contender on her hands. So-hyun is good at anything remotely related to gambling.

"I'm all right," So-hyun says, smiling.

Mrs. Suh's smile matches hers. Jaehyun nearly gets goosebumps imagining them pitted against each other. "Mark's here too, you should come meet him."

"Oh!" So-hyun gets to her feet gracefully. Jaehyun comes to stand next to her and brushes a bit of lint from the rug off her thigh. "I've been waiting to."

"He's such a sweet boy," Mrs. Suh says. "Terrible at badugi, though."

They laugh as she disappears with a wave, and So-hyun turns to him. "Is Mark over here a lot?" she asks.

"Yeah, I mean, he and Johnny have been dating for over a year. He lives somewhere else, though."

So-hyun nods. "I'm glad you've got so much company, little bro. You're a lot happier than you were before."

He wasn't expecting that, but it goes a long way to settling the rest of his unease. If his sister thinks he's in a good place, he knows she'll be less likely to worry about him, and less likely to interfere.

"C'mon," he says, leaving the piles of records to deal with later. "Let's go meet Mark."

Mark does try to fist bump her, and there's a moment where Johnny drapes himself over Mark and giggles into his hair, an arm around his shoulders, and Jaehyun is covert about looking at So-hyun to see if she's taken aback. She knows they're dating; she knows who Jaehyun moved in with, and why, but it's not like their social lives were filled with out gay couples in Seoul.

She smiles at Mark like she thinks he's adorable, though, and offers to teach him some badugi strategy.

\--

So-hyun stayed at the house until almost ten p.m. and is now complaining at length in his text messages about how Iseul didn't let her sleep in.

Jaehyun doesn't mention the jog she wanted to go on. He figured it wasn't going to happen.

 **So-hyun:** I'm still jet-lagged! She should have some care and concern for her elders  
**Jaehyun:** What happened to being good at sleeping on planes  
**So-hyun:** Shhh  
**So-hyun:** This conference is so damn boring. I'm not even speaking.  
**So-hyun:** The things I do to see my Jaehyunnie  
**Jaehyun:** So leave early  
**Jaehyun:** I can see if Mrs. Suh wants to drive down and fight for her honor and her fifty dollars again  
**So-hyun:** Please no, I got lucky, if I tried to beat her again she'd take me for everything I'm worth

It's nice to have So-hyun's undivided attention like this, and kind of comforting to know she's in the city, just a quick car ride away. Jaehyun would come rescue her from the conference if she wanted. But it's also nice to have a day to himself to deal with the strangeness of seeing her, and of integrating her into his life.

He also has some time to go over the resume Donghyuck sent him, and the links of him singing he sent. He ends up making Donghyuck a new resume from scratch—or, well, from the template website he likes—and whistles when he sees his GPA listed. It's not a shock Donghyuck's clever, or anything, but it's still something he deserves to brag about.

Once he has everything done, he digs in his phone for a contact he hasn't used in two years.

 **Jaehyun:** Hey, Nils, it's Jay from Booth. Are you still invested in that jazz bar?

\--

So-hyun originally wanted to do breakfast, but she said she had a stomach upset from the _entire deep-dish pizza_ she and Iseul demolished the night before, so she had a lazy lie-in at the hotel. He insisted he could bring her to the house and cook for her, something light and mild, but So-hyun kept insisting it was nothing, that she did at least one late-night meal and drinks every week for work.

He didn't realize that she would be leading more of those dinners now, with clients and board members, showing people from out of the country around all of Seoul's hotspots—and some of their seedier corners. If he thinks about that too much, his sister having to drink like a college student around all those middle-aged men, proving she can keep up with their appetites, he does start pulling out his hair, so that thought gets shelved.

She's apparently recovered from the pizza in time for lunch, and they meet up in the cafe of her hotel. She's wearing a jacket she found during their shopping trip, and Jaehyun suffered through putting on one of the pastel sweaters she bought him. It's at least very soft, but he hopes he spills on it.

Even though she dimpled at him and spilled about all the people who tried to invite her out after the conference last night, her mood is… off. Jaehyun notices it intensifying as they eat, until she's poking her salad around her plate and compulsively sipping seltzer water.

Well, if she _is_ going to lecture him for living like Marie Antoinette on her fake peasant farm, at least she's kind enough to do it where no one he lives with can hear. Jaehyun swirls a bite of pasta and braces himself.

"Jaehyunnie, I have something to tell you," she says, looking beseechingly at him from across the table.

"I figured."

"This Christmas," she starts, taking a deep breath, and Jaehyun freezes in the middle of dabbing his mouth with a napkin because this was _not_ the opening he expected. "There's going to be an announcement."

"Okay," he says, when she just looks at him.

"And I… I wanted to tell you first."

Holy shit. Their father is retiring. Almost five years ahead of schedule. But it makes sense, given So-hyun's slowly taken over his duties over the last few years.

To say he's proud is an understatement, but there's still something deep inside him that feels disappointed his dad didn't offer him the courtesy of pretending he might consider Jaehyun. Even if that's never been true, really, and he's never actually wanted it. But the pretense would be nice, sometimes. That he isn't a spare, just scaffolding for So-hyun's brilliance.

He feels a dark twist realizing she might be asking him to move back after graduation to take a position so she has more support in the company when she's made CEO.

"Ah," she says, tossing down her napkin. "I'm not saying this right, so I'll just say it. I've been dating someone, and it's getting serious. He's going to propose on Christmas Eve."

Relief is hot on the heels of bewilderment, but then everything turns into indignant shock. "Wait, you're _engaged_?"

"No! Not yet, no."

"So you're… _pre-engaged_ ," Jaehyun says slowly. So-hyun anxiously adjusts her cutlery on the plate and gives him giant eyes. "Who the hell to? I've never met this man," he says. "I've never even _heard_ of him."

"You're a little loud," she says quietly. "I've been wanting to tell you, all right, to introduce you, but it was never the right time. I didn't want to do it over FaceTime. And you usually come home during summers…"

But he didn't, this summer. Jaehyun clenches at his thighs under the table. She still could have said something. She could have dropped a casual mention of dating someone up to the point where she got on the plane. "I've got a life here. I was busy."

She gives him an exasperated look. "I know, it wasn't a dig. I honestly didn't know how to tell you. But you'll meet him when you come for Christmas. And I think you'll like him. Really, I do."

Jaehyun is still feeling slapped enough to want to bring up the laundry list of uninspiring men she dated, but he stops himself. He's not in the same place he was a week or two ago, and So-hyun is not going to stand for him indulging himself in pettiness. "Okay," he says dully. "What's he like? What does he do? How long have you been dating?"

"His name is Kyung-wan, he's an architect we worked with a few times. We've, um, we've been dating a year."

"A year? You didn't tell me for a goddamn year?" He starts to say, _But you tell me everything_. It's not true the way it used to be, and it hasn't been for a while. When he was still in high school, she would come back from college for holidays and tell him all the life and excitement he was missing out on. About the douchebag who broke her heart. About the intricate web of her friendships that he admired and envied.

They still talk nearly every day, and So-hyun was there for him during the breakdown of Lela and the aftermath, but it isn't the same as when Jaehyun was twelve, when he was fifteen and she started working with their dad and was around for family dinners all the time. Now, they're in different time zones, and her responsibilities are enormous. And he's been distracted, trying to find himself in Chicago.

He doesn't tell her everything anymore. He can't even tell her the truth about Yuta.

It's just inconceivable that she's been seriously dating someone for a year and never mentioned it. He feels like he doesn't know her. It makes him feel insane, like he isn't himself.

"I'm sorry. I meant to."

Jaehyun takes a steadying breath. It's not going to get them anywhere if he flips out over being left in the dark. "Isn't a year… That's pretty fast."

She laughs, but then catches herself at his sharp look. "Which is it, then? Is a year a long time to not tell you or too fast to get engaged?"

"Both," he says mutinously.

So-hyun pushes her plate away, clanking it against her water glass and her seltzer glass, and leans in, imploring him. She's got her Big Sister face on now, and Jaehyun's not immune to it. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It only got serious in the last six months, and I thought everything would work itself out for me to introduce you, but it never did. I think you'll like him." She trembles a small smile. "No, I know you'll like him. I love him a lot, and he loves me probably more."

So it's a love match, especially if she said the words so easily. That, at least, lessens some of his reservations.

Her shining eyes try to melt the rest of them, but it's still difficult to put his hurt aside and say, "You know I'll always support you. I want the best for you. If this guy isn't that…"

"I know you won't make a secret of your opinion, believe me. But it's my life, and it's my decision, like you have your life and your decisions."

He can't exactly argue with that. His sister is in her thirties now, and she deserves to be happy and settled as much as anyone on the planet, if that's what she wants. She deserves someone in her corner. She has an unimaginably stressful job and works more than their father did in his prime. She deserves something nice to come home to.

Jaehyun also knows better than to assert any sort of power over her life. He's never been in that position, and honestly he'd hate to be; he's sometimes a confidant that she might listen to, but mostly Jaehyun has been the little brother who _she_ guides. Not the other way around.

"Tell me about this Kyung-wan," he says, and she looks happy he's not stomping his feet about this anymore, but also happy to talk about her boyfriend. Her pre-fiance. Fuck.

He'll drop his hurt and his confusion and let himself be happy for her, but first, Jaehyun flags down a waiter and orders a vodka tonic.

\--

On the drive over to the restaurant, he remembers Ten tried to get him to invite Lacey.

Jaehyun locked up at the suggestion, staring at Ten across the kitchen island, and managed a feeble, "Why?"

Ten sighed. "Because she's cool, and also so your sister doesn't wonder why you, ah. Like. Only hang out with… men." He gave Jaehyun a meaningful look.

Jaehyun appreciated the thought, however misplaced, but So-hyun was used to him having mostly male friends and knew Jaehyun had basically dumped his social circle. The image of Lacey, with her eyebrow ring and impeccable smokey eye, sitting across a table from his sister and being asked how they met… Jaehyun would rather shove a stick into his eye. "Yeah, I'm not… doing that, but thanks. It's all good. It's not like she doesn't know I'm weird already." It's not like she didn't force her female friends into bringing over their brothers to give him a shot at making friends.

Still, as he guides So-hyun into the warm restaurant from the cold and sees his extremely eclectic group of all-male friends—with Wendy as the one exception, who waves excitedly when she sees him and gestures So-hyun over—he does wish he were slightly less weird.

\--

So-hyun gets her fill of Jaehyun anecdotes, and she shares a fair amount of them from when he was a kid too, until Mark's got tears in his eyes and Ten is darting a look of awe and disbelief between the two of them.

"He was just such a clumsy kid," So-hyun says, and pinches Jaehyun's cheek unexpectedly. "Ah, sorry, I know he's a big handsome man now, but he's always going to be a baby to me."

"He's still pretty clumsy," Mark says. "He keeps replacing bowls 'cause he washes them too hard."

"That sounds like my brother." Aside from cooking, he wasn't really expected or really allowed to wash dishes at home. If she finds it notable that he does the dishes now, she doesn't show it.

Wendy dives in for another spoonful of the dessert So-hyun ordered for the both of them to split. "Did he tell you we met because he splashed his drink all over me?"

"Oh my God," So-hyun laughs. "Of course he did."

"Then he tried to ask me out," Wendy giggles. "He took it surprisingly well when I told him I already had a girlfriend."

Something about the fact that Wendy's not straight either feels damning. Jaehyun isn't drinking, since he's got to drive So-hyun to her hotel and say goodbye before her flight early tomorrow morning, but he wishes he could. He wishes he could dull his self-consciousness over the fact that they're surrounded by queer people, and that So-hyun's got to be aware of it.

Jaehyun's not even done processing the fact that he might be one of them, that he's not their mascot and odd man out. If So-hyun suspects it— But she wouldn't. It wouldn't occur to her, he doesn't think, no matter how many gay people he knows. Hopefully she'll assume, the way he did, he was looking for better, less judgmental friends, and stumbled into a ready-made friend group.

"Please," So-hyun scoffs, "I raised a gentleman."

"You really did," Wendy hums. "He's such a good guy, we've all adopted him as the only acceptable MBA bro."

That gets So-hyun's smile to turn softer, happier. Jaehyun misses the rest of her and Wendy's exchange when Donghyuck comes up to hug him goodbye, with Mark on his heels. Jaemin apparently couldn't make it, which is fine, given that Jaehyun still sometimes forgets Jaemin's name, but he hopes the kid doesn't feel like he's unwelcome.

Shotaro is busy with late-night dance practice practically every day, but he apologized profusely for not being able to come.

"You headed home or to our place?" Jaehyun asks Mark, mid-fist bump.

"Home," Mark says. "Yuta's picking me up in the morning and we're going Christmas shopping for my folks."

It's hard to hear Yuta's name—not least because So-hyun is directly next to him and could have heard that. Jaehyun sends up a desperate hope that she didn't, that Wendy still had her attention. Otherwise he's going to have to come up with a convincing lie to explain his lie.

"Have a good time," is all Jaehyun says, and Johnny comes up behind Mark to squeeze his shoulders and drop a kiss to the crown of his head.

"I hate shopping," he complains, but he turns to So-hyun with an earnest Mark smile. "It's so good to see you again."

"You too, Mark," she says, unfazed by Johnny rocking Mark back and forth in his arms. "Take care."

"It's wild to actually meet you and realize Jaehyun's only as cool as he is because you're his sister," Mark says.

Jaehyun and Johnny make eye contact, and Johnny rolls his eyes. Jaehyun's mouth twitches. Mark's so invested in being sweet to women that sometimes he accidentally crosses over into hitting on them—this isn't one of those times, but it's reassuring to know that Mark is the same old Mark, patron saint of teen girls and grandmothers everywhere.

"I'm glad the truth is finally out," So-hyun says. "Jaehyun's a dork."

"We love him anyway," Mark, the dorkiest person Jaehyun's ever met, says with a straight face, before cutting a private, meaningful look at Jaehyun.

It squirms in his stomach, but it's nice anyway. It's nice that Mark means it, and that his sister witnessed his sincerity. That she knows he has real friends now.

\--

So-hyun definitely heard Mark's comment about Yuta; the car is filled with loaded silence as she waits for him to admit it, but he's not going to. It's embarrassing. He feels like he's sixteen and she caught him lying about spending the night with a friend so he could sneak into his girlfriend's bedroom.

"I thought you were working up to it, but I see I have to crack you like a nut again," So-hyun sighs.

"What do you think I'm working up to?" he asks, staring straight ahead and grateful for the relative darkness in the car.

So-hyun laughs disbelievingly. "Why you've been so weird lately. No, you've been sad."

He's had time to get used to not being read down to his bones, and he's surprised by how uncomfortable it is to be reminded So-hyun still has that power. Especially since he clearly doesn't have it when it comes to reading her. "I hit a rough patch," he says at length. "I'm doing better. My social circle collapsed, and people are assholes about Johnny and Ten, and it got to me."

The crowd he ran with was there one day and then side-eyeing him the next, courtesy of whatever Lela said. He made a few feeble attempts to repair it, but then when Mark offered him the chance to move in with people, and he grabbed hold of it like a life raft, he just gave them more fodder. But this is old news, and it's not the whole story of why he's been off. It's not easy to offer up explanations about Yuta when he barely understands what happened.

"Good," So-hyun says. "I like your new friends much better than your old friends. I'm glad you have them."

"I'm not… still sad. I'm out of place, which I kind of always am."

"Are you going to tell me about Yuta? Did you two fight again?"

Jaehyun keeps very still, checks the GPS telling him he's still minutes from the Langham, and thinks of how to tell her a version of what happened without outright lying. "I did something that upset him, and now we're not speaking. It's been kind of uncomfortable in the friend group."

"What did you say?" she asks in a tone that suggests she thinks this is ridiculous.

"That's… I'm not exactly proud of it, you know? It's my business."

"You know I'm not going to judge you. I can probably help you figure out how to apologize."

There it is, her old, stubborn insistence on fixing things for him, or trying to show him how to fix them himself. "That's not your job. I'm an adult, I don't need my big sister to clean up my messes."

So-hyun grumbles and recrosses her legs in the passenger seat, the movement catching Jaehyun's eye. "If I don't do it, you'll just leave them there and blame them on someone else."

Years ago, he knocked a small sculpture containing grandmother's ashes off a decorative stand near the sitting room. He panicked at the shattered, horrifying mess on an otherwise spotless marble floor, and then he tried to say it was the staff that did it.

Jaehyun was also ten years old and terrified of the hurt and disappointment in his mother's eyes when she saw.

"I know you're trying to help," he says, slow, jaw working, "but it's my mistake, and I'm living with it. It's done and over."

So-hyun is rendered silent, and Jaehyun isn't about to think he's won but maybe that her haranguing will wait until she's back in Korea.

But then her voice is carefully neutral as she asks, "Was it a break up?"

He thinks for a second he hallucinated that. His pause is too long before he says, "What?"

She doesn't repeat herself. They both know what she asked.

"N-no," he says, and harshly clears his throat, fingers creaking his leather steering wheel.

He knows she knows that he's lying.

Yet it wasn't a break up. He can't claim that. But it wasn't as simple as a friendship ending. God, it hit him harder than Lela. After she left, all he thought about were his shortcomings, not her. And he didn't miss her, because by the end he didn't even like her, given how obvious it was she didn't like him. He missed companionship, and normalcy, and sex, and finding things for them to do as a couple. Jaehyun missed the blissful ignorance of not knowing how obvious his deficiencies were. His inability to connect. His obsession with his body, his face. His lack of investment in people except for how they could prop him up.

But Yuta didn't make him feel any of that. Yuta was interesting and funny and thought Jaehyun was funny too. He was so smart, and so much fun, and so… cute. He was cute. The things he did without thinking about them, like his little claps and his array of strange noises, were so alien to Jaehyun but so charming.

He just wants to be next to Yuta, making him laugh, not having to explain himself or try to be something he's not. Yuta didn't care about his family, the company, his cars or his golf clubs or how much he could lift.

It feels like he and his sister are the only two people on the road, maybe the only two people in the city, except for the part of him that wants to navigate straight to Yuta's apartment.

"I know he meant a lot to you," So-hyun says, in the same measured voice. "So don't give up just because it's uncomfortable. Don't give up and go home."

For a split second, he thinks she's talking about his year at SNU, about how little he fit in because he was rich but not rich enough, handsome but not handsome enough, and smart but not driven. All of his peers left him in the dust. He was So-hyun's little brother but without her there with him to give him context.

But she was the one who encouraged him to transfer—until she found out it was to Chicago.

"I don't quit," he says. "I recognize lost causes."

"That doesn't sound like the man who moved to America when Mom tried to forbid you. It doesn't sound like the man who doesn't care what anyone says about his roommates," she says, and there's life back in her voice now, a point to her tone.

Jaehyun smiles thinly in the dark. Of course he cares.

His hands are shaking when he puts the car in park in front of the hotel. He doesn't know what it means that she asked him an insane question like it was normal.

"Ah, Jaehyunnie, I'm just glad to see you, and I'm glad you're doing better."

"I'm glad you came all this way just to cheer me up," he admits. It does touch him that she flew across an ocean to have this awful conversation.

"I'll see you at Christmas, and you can tell me all your complaints about my boyfriend."

In the glow of the display and lights emanating from the hotel, already lit for the holidays, he looks at his sister. She's studying him with a cautious but fond gaze, sleepy after so much food and company.

"I'll itemize them," he promises. "I'll make a deck about all his shortcomings."

"Please do what makes you happy," she says, as she unbuckles her seatbelt. "That's all I want for you."

Jaehyun's throat squeezes, but he manages to say, "That's what I want for you too."

\--

It's strange in the aftermath of So-hyun's visit. She was only in the city briefly, but he feels like he's getting over a cold or something and coming back to his full capacity. Being around her makes him feel like he's regressing to an earlier version of himself, or all of the earlier versions of himself at once.

He can't think too hard about that moment in the car, what she asked him. It was something he needed to leave behind when he dropped her off, but it did his best to follow him home.

When she texts him after she lands, complaining that she wants another cake shake and can't get one, he grins at his phone.

"My sister misses Portillo's," he announces to Johnny, who is next to him on the couch and hours deep into designing a new website for his photography business. He's done all the basics but is agonizing over his portfolio, and even Jaehyun admits it's bare of events that aren't weddings.

He can understand why Johnny would be popular for those, and for the handful of bar mitzvahs he was hired to photograph too, but the pictures look a little same-y.

"As she should. I knew that woman had good taste," Johnny mutters. He clicks at a few things, then grimaces and shoves his laptop off his lap. "God, I can't do this. It's been hours, and I'm rearranging the same fucking pictures of table settings. I need to look through my external for literally anything else."

"I told you, you should include those videos of Ten," Mark insists, coming back into the room with a bowl of pretzels and moving Johnny's laptop onto the coffee table so he can sit down. "I think you could get video-editing work, you're really good at it."

"Mark, just because I know how to fix files you mysteriously corrupted on yet another Justin Bieber cover does not mean that I'm a video editor." Mark laughs and crunches a pretzel as Johnny runs a frustrated hand through his hair. "And Ten's dance videos... He's magic, I just set the camera up."

"Still, you should show your range. Ten's got some crazy hits on one of the ones you did, yeah?"

"Yeah, the K-pop one. But like, that's videography stuff, and that's not my thing. I like stills."

"Well, damn, baby." Mark's clearly done with this discussion, as Johnny's been having a slow-burn existential crisis as he prepares to leave the university and strike out as a full-time photographer. "Go outside and take some pictures, I guess."

"That's not how it works. No one wants my flower shots. I need headshots, corporate shit, if I want to attract those clients."

Mark slows chewing and then gestures at himself, his old ratty hoodie, his fingerprint-smudged glasses, his half a head of roots in dry blond hair. He's cute, he's even handsome sometimes, but Jaehyun almost laughs at the idea of Mark getting a professional headshot without a trip to the salon and several deep-conditioning treatments.

"Baby, I love you, but you're the furthest thing from douchebag entrepreneur I've ever seen."

Mark laughs and tries to offer Johnny some pretzels, but he declines, and Mark shrugs and goes back to picking out pieces he likes from a dozen other identical ones.

Jaehyun thinks for a second, and he's torn between the warring impulses of not wanting to give in to his vanity and the obvious no-brainer of helping a friend. "You can take some shots of me," he says. "I could use a new set for the press kit."

"I'm sorry," Mark says, "did you just imply that you're a douchebag entrepreneur? Because I think you did."

He isn't an entrepreneur, and he's only a part-time douche, but if the MBA shoe fits… "I have a lot of suits and a PR face," he acknowledges. "And I could use the shots. I was serious about that."

Johnny tilts his head, squinting at Jaehyun next to him. "You do look like a stock model," he says, and Jaehyun's not sure if that's a compliment. "Like, if you wanna do it… I'm down."

"Yeah, thanks, I do."

"No, thank _you_. I thought I was gonna have to ask Ten, and I know he'd demand that in exchange I record him writhing to FKA Twigs again."

Mark giggles and drags two fingers across his lips and points forward dramatically, giggling even louder. Johnny, laughing, does it back, putting even more drama behind the movements. Jaehyun just looks at them. When Johnny's hand drops and he notices Jaehyun staring, his eyes widen.

"Oh my God, do you not know? About TNT?"

"The… explosive?"

Mark gives a strangled yell and grabs for Johnny's laptop, wiping his salty fingers on his hoodie before clattering on the keyboard.

"No, wait," Johnny says, hand to Mark's wrist. "He hates it when we pull it up. He'll kill us if Jaehyun sees."

Mark looks at Johnny, then at the laptop screen, and then slowly pulls his fingers off the keys. He puts the laptop back on the coffee table with obvious regret. "Yeah, you're right."

Jaehyun waits for more of an explanation to come, but they don't give one. "Uh, what are you even talking about?"

Mark and Johnny trade a look. Mark's eyebrows go up and then furrow together in silent communication, and then he nods.

Johnny's the one to explain, a look of regret on his face. "He was a contestant on, like, _American Idol_ for Thai teenagers."

"He won," Mark adds. "And he nearly joined a K-pop company."

"Holy shit," Jaehyun says. He can't believe Ten isn't bragging about that at every opportunity. It doesn't seem very like Ten to never mention it. It's not in his recent press coverage either, because Jaehyun would have remembered that while he was Googling his new potential roommates.

"Yeah, it's basically the best thing I've ever seen in my life. He went by TNT and he did that little motion, and I, like, sob every time I watch it."

"But it's embarrassing, honestly. He doesn't like people to know," Johnny says.

"Yeah, I get that, if it's embarrassing," Jaehyun says, but he can't see how some embarrassing footage overshadows Ten having the ultimate cocktail-party anecdote of _I was almost a K-pop idol_.

Weird. If Ten moved to Korea, Jaehyun would likely never have met him.

"Are you free Saturday?" Johnny asks. "Or what day could we take the shots?"

"You know I'm free, man," Jaehyun says. "Let's do it."

\--

 **Jaehyun:** So what's this about TNT?  
**Ten:** OMG I'm going to kill Johnny in his sleep 🤬  
**Jaehyun:** No come on, you can tell me  
**Ten:** You can fucking google it if you're so curious  
**Jaehyun:** I honestly don't know what to Google

He's not going to push if Ten really doesn't want him to see it, but he's seen Ten do so many ridiculous things, and he wants to see him on television too. He watched the news blip of him being interviewed during the giant student protest that got a professor fired, but it's not the same as teenage Ten performing.

 **Jaehyun:** I promise I won't laugh  
**Jaehyun:** And I wouldn't show anyone, it'd be between us  
**Ten:** Arghhhhhh  
**Jaehyun:** You know, like how you curated porn for me  
**Ten:** You still haven't told me how that went btw  
**Jaehyun:** And I never will  
**Jaehyun:** 🙂  
**Ten:** WELL if you ever want more good porn your going to have to find it and pay for it on your own  
**Jaehyun:** Damn

Jaehyun is more than fine paying for porn, or tipping Ten for his service of acting as Jaehyun's algorithm, but he can't go back to trying his luck on PornHub. He doesn't know how to sort for stuff that will actually get him off and not freak him out.

 **Jaehyun:** It went fine. I have no complaints

Five minutes later, Ten sends him a YouTube link.

Jaehyun does laugh, and so hard that Ten wrenches open his bedroom door to stick his head in and yell, "I hope you're _happy_ " at him.

\--

Nils calls Jaehyun when he's on the treadmill, and Jaehyun's quick math figuring out the time in Paris makes him laugh before he picks up. He must not have left his coke habit behind when he graduated and moved back home.

"Hey, Nils," Jaehyun says, slowing but bumping the incline so he won't be too out of breath.

"Jaehyun!" he crows, that same French pronunciation that turns his name into incomprehensible syrup. _Zhae-hyün._ "It's been so long. How are you? Graduated yet?"

"No, I'm still toiling in the mines," Jaehyun says. "Another semester if I go full-time."

"Ah, but we never go _full-time_ ," Nils laughs.

He was eager to induct Jaehyun into the crew of international students, showing him around all his favorite places—most of them restaurants and clubs—and usually trying to get Jaehyun to go in on his latest moneymaker. He's always got a plan, and he's got his fingers in so many pots, Jaehyun kind of gets the coke habit. He straight-up needs the energy.

He asks Nils about Paris, about his family, about the new business he's started, and then finally he can turn the conversation to the reason why Jaehyun bothered him in the first place.

"So did you get a chance to look over what I sent you?"

Thankfully, Nils kept the bulk of his investments in the States, including the jazz bar in Streeterville popular with tourists and middle-aged couples on a night out. And he seemed happy to push his partners into looking at his recommendation for new staff.

"Yeah, your guy looks great. A little young, but hey. I've got him an audition, but if he gets it, he might have to do part-time and work serving for the rest of his hours. It's competitive for the talent positions, you know."

"Understandable."

"Oh! Can he play?"

Donghyuck's aptitude with the piano was listed on the resume, but Jaehyun expects Nils didn't look at that, only his headshot and Jaehyun's casual pitch. "Yeah, but I think he's mostly a vocalist."

"If he can play, that gives him a leg up."

"At this point, man, he'll take what he can get. If that means singing one night a week and bussing the tables the rest, I think he'll do it."

"A hard worker! I like him, I like him. We'll see if my partners do, but they're happy to have him try out. I'll text you the details."

"That's awesome, man. I know you're crazy busy, so you doing me this solid means a lot."

"I was surprised to hear from you, honestly," Nils laughs, "but finding out you were trying to get someone a job made it all click. You're a nice boy, Jaehyun. Don't be a stranger."

He hangs up feeling accomplished, and when Nils follows up, he's grinning when he texts Donghyuck an address and a time with a simple "Good luck" for the added impact.

It takes a few minutes for Donghyuck to reply, as he likely had to search the address, but when he does, it's deeply satisfying.

 **DH:** What the FUCK  
**DH:** This is… what  
**DH:** Are you for real  
**Jaehyun:** It's not a done deal and I think the singing would only be part time but my contact said they'll let you audition  
**Jaehyun:** You'd be a server or a bus boy or whatever the rest of the time  
**DH:** This is insane  
**DH:** Oh my God  
**Jaehyun:** You can just call me Jaehyun it's fine  
**DH:** Shut up  
**DH:** I didn't say that  
**DH:** Bro, thank you so much  
**Jaehyun:** Just show up and do your thing, you got this  
**DH:** God I could kiss your marble CHEEK  
**Jaehyun:** Kiss me after it's official  
**DH:** Oh he's flirting now  
**DH:** This is what we call character growth

Jaehyun's smile wanes. He knows Donghyuck means well and he's only teasing, but Jaehyun's being doing his best to forget how he told Donghyuck... everything.

It's not just Jaehyun's secret. Ten knows; Donghyuck knows; Yuta suspects; and even his sister floated the idea past him. A _diner waitress_ knows about his identity crisis.

When Donghyuck starts panicking over song selection, whether he should prepare strictly standards, Jaehyun's relieved the moment is over. He doesn't need to address it.

\--

He's still working through Ten's extensive Google Drive folder of porn, and there's a particular favorite he keeps coming back to—or just coming to, when the top moans he's going to come on the bottom's pretty mouth.

Every time, without fail, he remembers Yuta calling his mouth pretty, saying he pictured it around his cock. It's too easy to imagine Yuta saying he wants to come on it too, as an echo of the porn dialog, despite it being in Korean. It's almost as easy to imagine him following what's on the screen and coming on Jaehyun's open mouth, his peeking tongue.

Would Yuta want him to swallow? Would he smear his cock across Jaehyun's face and shoot on the dimples that he likes so much?

Jaehyun's eyes squinch shut and he grunts as he pumps his load into his palm. When his hearing filters back, tellingly wet sounds play in his ears, and his body's so sensitive he has to switch the video off.

Breathless, worked up, sleep pants around his ankles, Jaehyun tries not to cringe at himself. The afterglow is always tinged, either with embarrassment for coming to gay porn in the first place or for using Yuta as part of jerking off, but this is all he's got left. His memories and his right hand.

\--

Jaehyun picks out a suit and a change of more business casual clothes on Saturday that he arranges in a dry-cleaning bag, then spends extra time making sure his complexion is perfect with BB cream. He does a lip scrub too, then applies balm, and plucks a few stray eyebrow hairs doing their best to fuck up his shape.

When he meets Johnny in the living room, straightening his cuffs, Johnny—in an overlarge oatmeal sweater and a beanie, fully casual—looks at him, blinks, and shakes his head.

"I live with you, and even I forget you look this good."

Jaehyun grins. "I shine up nice, I know. You're welcome."

He does look good, and he knows if Johnny finds the right light and doesn't pick that one angle that turns Jaehyun's face into a pancake, his portfolio will pop. And Jaehyun gets more up-to-date press photos. It really is a win-win. He can't feel guilty for taking advantage and leaning in to his looks.

They don't go downtown, since neither of them are that invested in this, but there's a number of nicer hotels in their general neighborhood, so Jaehyun takes to one of those. They duck inside the lobby and take shots in front of windows and sleek glass doors, using natural light for now instead of the emergency lightboxes in Jaehyun's trunk.

Johnny's quiet and focused when he shoots, but he glances up to study Jaehyun outside of the lens every now and then, to give him suggestions.

They break for a few minutes for Jaehyun to get sparkling water at a hotel cafe. Johnny looks through the shots, furrow between his brow, as Jaehyun hydrates. He doesn't take the silence personally, but it is strange to see Johnny so intense.

"I think we've got what we need, honesty. Most of these came out."

"Nice," Jaehyun says.

"I wanna get some candids, though," Johnny decides. He leans forward to ruffle Jaehyun's impeccably styled hair and loosen his tie, grinning when he sits back and studies his handiwork. "No, drink your drink," he says, when Jaehyun just looks at him, anticipating the camera. "Ignore me."

"What are you going to call this one? Man with tonic?" Jaehyun jokes.

Johnny laughs, a quiet chuff. "Oh man, the dimples are killer. Gimme more."

Jaehyun turns on his best smile, his best angle, his most prominent dimples, until he feels the skin around his nose crease a bit too.

"God, you really know your angles," Johnny says, after snapping a few more and telling Jaehyun to rest his arm on the cafe table, then look out the window. "It's such a relief. Mark gets glassy-eyed and smiles weird if he's posing, and Ten always looks like he's trying to fuck the camera. But you've got, like, range."

"I've had my picture taken a lot."

"I bet. Chin down. Catch the light for me. That's it. That's deadly."

Jaehyun feels a tell-tale tingle in the tops of his ears and hopes it's mild enough for the camera not to catch.

"That one's a little Blue Steel," Johnny laughs. "But I think we're done anyway. You did so good, I can't thank you enough. Do you want to see?" he asks, lifting his camera.

"No, I'll wait until you send me the files, I think." He wants the full, glossy effect, including the little touch-ups. He doesn't want to fixate on the infinitesimal flaws or see a shot where Johnny caught him mid-blink. "You're, like, in the zone when you shoot, man. It's kind of cool."

Johnny is going through his camera roll by himself again, smiling down at what Jaehyun hopes isn't him looking stupid. "You're easy to work with, and I didn't have to micromanage you, which helps a lot. Jaehyun, seriously, these are so good. It's hard to do these poses and not look like a mannequin, but you're alive in every shot."

The tingling is back, with a warm feeling in his stomach. It's awkward, and Jaehyun doesn't quite know what to say, though it's not like he's inexperienced at taking compliments. "Wow, okay. I'm excited to see these pictures now."

Johnny turns his camera off and gently secures it in its bag, patting the top of it softly like it's a dog that did a particularly good trick. "I think it's like, with some people, you pick up their personality that easily. You just shine that bright."

Jaehyun smiles and sips the last of his water.

Johnny clearly means it; he's got no reason to bullshit him, since Jaehyun isn't a client. It's unnerving to be given bold-faced compliments from the man he lives with, who saw him be a huge dick but apparently thinks he still shines. It's unnerving because he can't tell himself Johnny isn't blinded by his face, that he's not aware of what's underneath.

"You want to do lunch while we're out?" Jaehyun asks. "On me."

\--

Donghyuck gets the job, like Jaehyun knew he would. He's singing two nights a week, starting out as backup until they're confident in his skills, and serving the other three, and he texts the new group chat he's made to scream into about wanting to have a party to celebrate.

It's timely, because Jaehyun was typing a response about wanting to throw him a congratulations dinner. They all more or less agree on Thursday night, since Johnny's going up to his parent's on Friday to help them do some reno.

When Donghyuck discovers Jaehyun is willing to pay for it, he decides he wants somewhere fancier than his favorite Korean restaurant. Jaehyun finds him a new fusion place attached to a club that's getting rave reviews, and Donghyuck approves of it when he sees their specialty cocktails.

 **Jaehyun:** I need to know how many you're planning on for the reservation  
**DH:** 15? Maybe 17  
**DH:** 17 to be safe

Jaehyun blinks at his phone before reminding himself that Donghyuck is popular, and that half the people invited to these things never show up anyway. It's not like it matters to him whether it's three people or thirty, and Donghyuck deserves a blowout. He hated his job, and Jaehyun never wants to see him as adrift as he was in that diner, worried about the possibility of having to leave and trying to hide it.

 **Jaehyun:** We'll just rent the event space, that should work  
**DH:** Thank you sugar daddy  
**Jaehyun:** Never call me that again  
**Jaehyun:** You're welcome

\--

Johnny sends over the edited final shots, and he was right. They're really good. Jaehyun is friendly without looking unhinged, pensive but not pretentious, and his skin looks supple and perfect. He has to zoom in until the picture is unrecognizable to discern his own pores.

He wonders what Johnny saw, while he was color-correcting these and touching them up. If he noticed the slight asymmetry, or the shadow the tip of Jaehyun's nose sometimes gives, the way he sometimes goes moon-faced, the weakness of his chin.

He collects ten of the best and sends them to So-hyun (and Iseul, who will actually know what to do with them).

 **So-hyun:** Ahh, there he is, my handsome boy

 **So-hyun:** Beautiful as always!

\--

Jaehyun is trying not to feel overly proud, since all he did was send a few text messages and make one phone call, but it's hard not to feel accomplished when Donghyuck turns up for his dinner basically glowing. He's dressed in off-the-rack designer from a few seasons ago, but he wears it well, sharp as a tack despite the soft curves of his face. Even his hair is styled differently, pushed off his forehead.

He hugs Jaehyun when he sees him, full-on, slapping his back.

"I knew you could do it. Congratulations, man," Jaehyun says.

"So did I," Donghyuck grins, "but I never would have gotten the chance without you. I won't forget that."

Mark is behind him, wrestling out of his coat, the zipper apparently stuck. Johnny is patiently doing his best to get Mark to stand still and let him take over. Jaehyun grins and refocuses on Donghyuck, the way he increases the shine of his lipgloss as he licks his lips.

"Have fun tonight. Enjoy the moment, yeah?" Jaehyun says.

He steps back to let Mark and Johnny through, and to make sure they're all well clear of the door—the waitress is watching them and waiting for them to sit down—but Donghyuck grabs his arm and steers him over to the side of the room.

"So," Donghyuck says. "You should know something."

"What?"

"I invited Yuta and Sicheng. I don't even know if they'll show up, because I did tell Yuta I'd invited you." Whatever he sees on Jaehyun's face makes him hiss. "Ah, bro, it was dumb, I'll text him—"

"No," Jaehyun says, too forcefully. "He's your friend too. And we can't keep pretending we don't exist. If he comes, he comes. I'll deal."

He has no idea if Yuta will step foot inside the private room, see Jaehyun, and spin on his heel, but Donghyuck deserves to have everyone he wants at his celebration dinner. Jaehyun will suffer through being ignored for that.

"Shockingly mature of you," Donghyuck says, weighing him with his gaze. His eyes seem sharper, clearer. "You sure you don't want to run out into the cold?"

Jaehyun grins at the joke. "I'm sure. Don't worry about me."

Except he spends the next hour on edge and nervously checking the door. Every new arrival is a jolt to his heart rate, a covert glance and a surge of disappointment and relief when it's not Yuta.

The commute being what it is, and since it's a weeknight, people trickle in, and some trickle out shortly after arriving. A few people hug Donghyuck, order a drink, and vanish by the next time Jaehyun looks up from his plate. Mark and Jaemin are on either side of Donghyuck, Jaehyun further down next to Johnny, with people he doesn't recognize across from him and a lot of empty chairs.

Ten arrives with actual flowers. He makes a show of kissing Donghyuck's hand, and Donghyuck stands up to hug him as a thank you, whispering something in his ear that makes Ten laugh.

When Sicheng shows up, Jaehyun's limited appetite vanishes entirely. He catches himself staring at the space behind him, as Sicheng smiles and waves and ducks his head nervously as a round of introductions are made. But Yuta isn't behind him. There's no shadow of his shape in the door, not even hovering by the threshold and then leaving.

Sicheng sits on Donghyuck's other side, but across from him, so Jaehyun is unfortunately very able to see his handsome face, the way he smiles nervously, the high-five he gives Jaemin. He's a piece of a puzzle Jaehyun isn't entitled to solving.

He makes himself eat a few more bites, and Ten is a nice distraction, seated across from him. He takes up a lot of Jaehyun's attention, and easily; he has a story about an injury he dealt with during his class today, then about navigating the bus to get here—Jaehyun knows it's the time between paychecks when Ten gets serious about his budget and tries to eat in more and take fewer Ubers.

Still, he can't help wondering where Yuta is, if he's really staying away because of Jaehyun.

\--

Jaehyun's been drinking a lot of water to make up for the food he isn't eating, and he asks where the bathroom is and is shown to a hallway with one wheelchair-accessible bathroom, currently occupied.

Sicheng is standing outside of it too, because of course he is.

He glances up from his phone and doesn't react when he sees it's Jaehyun. "Hello," he says.

"Hi," Jaehyun says. "Almost didn't recognize you out of drag."

It's a weird thing to say. Jaehyun is clumsy with frustration and nervousness. He's not trying to start a conversation with Sicheng; he should have minded his business and stuck to a canned greeting.

"You're definitely the first person to make that joke," Sicheng says, and grants him a quick, flat smile. He goes back to his phone, typing intently with his thumbs.

They wait for a minute or so in silence. Jaehyun's self-restraint gives up; it's not like he has to care what Sicheng thinks about him, not after the impression Jaehyun thinks he already has.

"So I'm guessing he's not coming, huh? Since I'm here?"

Sicheng pauses, but his head doesn't come up. "I don't know. I just live with him, I'm not his keeper."

Jaehyun puts a hand on the wall. He's only had water, not a drop of liquor; he shouldn't feel dizzy. "Wait, you moved in with him?"

Sicheng slides his phone into his pocket and deigns to look at Jaehyun, face impassive. "We moved at the beginning of the month. Wow, he's really not talking to you. I thought he was just saying that." Some life creeps into his expression when he realizes he probably shouldn't be saying this to Jaehyun. "Uh, I mean."

"Congratulations," Jaehyun says, scraping the bottom of the barrel to find something that isn't intrusive or rude.

"I'm his roommate. We didn't get married."

Jaehyun is bewildered and weak with relief. He can't believe he moved, though. When Jaehyun pictures Yuta, it's in that apartment, sprawled on his couch watching anime with that hideous poster above him.

Now he doesn't know what he does. If he has a new couch. If the poster's still up.

"Good talk," Sicheng says when the door to the right of them opens up at last. "Nice to see you again."

"Same," Jaehyun says, but Sicheng's already closed the door.

\--

No one is waiting when he exits the bathroom. He lingers in the hallway, looking at the framed photos of Chicago nightlife lining the walls, famous guests who've come by the restaurant and made use of the private room. He takes his time walking back to the room, and he can't quite bring himself to rejoin the table, where it sounds like Donghyuck is arguing with Ten about dessert choices again. He hangs out near the wall, on the outskirts, and flags the waitress down to order a whiskey sour. He'll probably need it to steady his nerves.

Jaehyun gets out his phone with shaking hands. It's possible Yuta's blocked him, and it's also possible Jaehyun will be too chicken to have Mark pass on the message if he has.

 **Jaehyun:** Sorry for bothering you but you don't need to skip out on things like this  
**Jaehyun:** I know it's not ideal but you being here for Donghyuck is more important  
**Jaehyun:** I won't even speak to you, you have my word

There's a low laugh from behind him. Jaehyun's body reacts before his brain can process it, his spine going rigid and his blood going hot.

"I'm right behind you, dummy," Yuta says.

When Jaehyun turns, there Yuta is, dressed for war. His suit is so dark and slick it looks like oil, his hair styled, his Rolex and earrings and teeth gleaming.

"I," Jaehyun says. Yuta is so fucking. Handsome. Jaehyun devours the sight of him and feels drunk despite taking one sip from the whiskey sour. He wants to run his hands through his too-perfect styled hair and mess it up. "Hi. Sorry about—" Texting? Being here? Existing?

"We're adults," Yuta says. His smile is still lurking at the corners of his mouth, and Jaehyun hates it as much as he wants to kiss it. This is a version of Yuta he doesn't want to see. All business. Walled up. He slides his hands into his pockets and ruins the lines of his pants, which is more like Yuta, at least. "We can man up for our friends, yes?"

"Right," says Jaehyun. Everything else he could say, would want to say, is dead on his lips. All he wants to do is apologize, but he already crossed a line texting him, and he suspects if he tries to take this anywhere deep, Yuta will walk away. Bizarrely, all he wants to do is shout _I kissed Ten!_ "I'll stay out of your way," he promises, painfully aware all of him wants to get closer, like Yuta's a cozy, crackling fire or a magnetic field.

Yuta purses his lips. "Don't go out of your way for me. It's ancient history as far as I'm concerned."

"Sure." It was not even three weeks ago.

Yuta flashes him another gleaming, fake smile and moves on into the room, accepting his rowdy welcome with arms spread. Jaehyun trails him to the table when he sees Yuta, once he's done hugging Donghyuck and high-fiving Mark, seats himself next to Sicheng.

His laugh carries over to Jaehyun, who feels numb when he hears it. He didn't think he would again.

"Look at me, roomie," Ten says softly, suddenly not across the table from him but in the vacant seat to Jaehyun's left. "There you go. You looked like you were peeling his skin off with your eyes."

"Gross," Jaehyun says, and goes for another sip of his drink. He doesn't bother trying to defend himself, not to Ten. "That obvious, huh?"

"Just a little." Ten smiles, but Jaehyun sees his eyes flicker to Yuta's direction repeatedly, like he's monitoring him so Jaehyun doesn't have to. "So, how's things? I saw the pictures Johnny took on his website. You looked amazing."

"They're going." As if Ten and Jaehyun didn't order fried chicken and tteokbokki last night for his cheat meal. Like they need to catch up. But he appreciates Ten grounding him like this. "So, tell me more about your brief stint as an idol."

Ten glares at him, the neutral, chatty act gone in a second. "You're not allowed to torment me with that."

"No, I mean I'm actually curious. You won, didn't you?"

"Yes," Ten grits, like he's agreed to plead to second-degree murder.

"So why aren't you touring the world giving concerts right now? Why slum it in Chicago?"

He's been meaning to ask anyway, and furiously pretending he and Yuta aren't in the same room is as good a time as any.

"Because I didn't want the industry to chew me up and spit me out," Ten says, slumping. He plays with the clean napkin no one's used at this table setting. "My uncle took one look at the contract they wanted me to sign and tore it up. It was, like, awful. So I just stuck to dance and got into an academy, and Chicago offered me a full ride."

"I never heard you sing before that video," Jaehyun realizes. "Do you not like it?"

"Sure I do. But my dreams of being the next Rihanna were crushed," Ten pouts dramatically, head lowering before he pops up with a self-aware grin. "And who wants to be reminded?"

"I like Ten better than TNT anyway," Jaehyun muses. He feels like every word is coming out too stiff, but it really is easier to look at Ten and focus on Ten. He's a natural attention hog. "Much more dynamic."

Ten laughs and does the TNT gesture, then laughs even harder when Jaehyun does it back. He sees Ten's gaze flicker over Jaehyun's shoulder again.

Somehow, he's not shocked when Ten gently brushes a lock of Jaehyun's hair back and fixes another behind his ear. It's not out of character for them given the state of things lately, their nightly _Real Housewives_ viewings with Ten using him as a human body pillow, but it is performative.

"Ten," he says quietly, trying to scold him but unable to sound anything but fond.

"What? He's looking. A lot. Don't you want to get your man? If you can?" When Jaehyun stiffens, Ten's happy, almost mischievous expression flattens into a wince. "Sorry," he says.

"No, you're okay." It's Ten, who had to deal with the fallout of Jaehyun trying to figure it out, and Jaehyun knows he can't keep tiptoeing around it and refusing to look at it directly except when he's in bed at night with a hand around his dick. But he's still not there yet, especially with Yuta in the same damn room as him. "I don't want to… I'm not going to try to run any games on him. He deserves to be left alone."

After a long look, Ten sighs and nods. He seems sad as he says, "Oh, honey."

\--

He's waiting outside with Johnny and Ten for their Uber. Ten is leaning against him, but he was leaning against Johnny before he popped back inside to say goodbye to Mark, who has been trying to convince Donghyuck it's time to leave for the last twenty minutes. For a Thursday night, they're all out late.

When the Mercedes GL pulls up, Jaehyun does a double-take because his app says they're still five minutes out. The mystery is solved when Yuta comes out with Sicheng and points at the SUV, gesturing for him to get in first. Yuta goes to climb in after him, but he stops and scans their little group.

"Bye," he says, with a wave.

"Night, Yuta," Ten calls sleepily from Jaehyun's shoulder. He knows Ten isn't selling this deliberately, but it still feels suspect when Yuta's eyes linger on him.

"Night, Yuyu," Johnny calls.

Jaehyun chances a generic, "Goodnight."

Yuta nods and gets into the car, the door closing with a weighty thunk behind him.

As the Uber drives away, Johnny chirps, "Well, that's progress, huh?"

"Don't get your hopes up," Jaehyun says.

\--

It's nearly two in the morning, a whole night and day after that dinner, and Jaehyun's almost asleep after recently coming his brains out while stubbornly not thinking about Yuta the whole time.

 **Yuta:** Are you fucking ten

Jaehyun looks around his dark room like there's any witnesses to confer with, to make sure he's not seeing things, but it's just shapes and suggestions of furniture. The gleam of cold moonlight on his wall.

 **Jaehyun:** Uh, no  
**Jaehyun:** Is this what you want to talk about? For real?  
**Jaehyun:** I mean we can talk about whatever you want  
**Jaehyun:** Sorry  
**Yuta:** I asked him but he laughed at me  
**Yuta:** So I'm crazy and drunk enough to ask you  
**Jaehyun:** You type pretty well for someone who's drunk  
**Yuta:** Yes well  
**Yuta:** I'm lying for plausible deniability  
**Jaehyun:** If you want to know something, just ask me  
**Yuta:** That seems historically incorrect  
**Yuta:** Sorry for asking, it's not my business

It's not, but it could be. And if anyone has earned Jaehyun's business, it's Yuta.

 **Jaehyun:** He was definitely trying to make it look that way  
**Jaehyun:** I did tell him to stop  
**Yuta:** I can see that would be uncomfortable for you  
**Jaehyun:** It's not uncomfortable but it's not happening. He's one of my best friends

It feels like he's lying to type that, but he knows it's technically not.

Jaehyun suspects now would be a bad time to specify that he kissed him. He isn't fucking him, but he kissed him. The problem is, he doesn't have any other way to say "everything you thought about me is true." He doesn't have the words for it. And he doesn't know if Yuta deserves to hear them, in the sense that Yuta has already put up with so much of Jaehyun's bullshit that he shouldn't have to endure more.

 **Yuta:** Ok I believe you  
**Jaehyun:** I'm glad you texted even if it was about my nonexistent sex life with ten

That falls flat, and he knows it does before he presses send. It was the best he could do, though.

 **Jaehyun:** I hope you're doing well

He waits, heart beating in his ribcage like a frantic trapped bird, but nothing else comes.

\--

Then, during the middle of a workout on Sunday:

 **Yuta:** You got Donghyuck that job didn't you  
**Jaehyun:** He got the job by being talented but I know one of the investors

He planks for minutes and minutes on end, staring down at his phone, dripping sweat onto his phone, but nothing.

\--

 **Yuta:** Are you going to the suh thankgsguhg  
**Jaehyun:** Thanksgiving? Yes  
**Jaehyun:** I can skip it though, I don't care about turkey  
**Yuta:** No you come  
**Yuta:** Mark sad  
**Jaehyun:**?  
**Yuta:** Yes I amscryakky drunk this time  
**Jaehyun:** Drink water  
**Yuta:** ✌️

\--

Tuesday, in the middle of class, Jaehyun loses his ability to follow McClintock's droning. He shifts in his seat, nearly knocks his notebook off the ridiculously tiny desk, and catches his pen before it rolls off and is lost somewhere in the rows.

 **Yuta:** Ok now that I'm not drunk  
**Yuta:** We can both go, I'm not going to faint if I see you  
**Jaehyun:** Good

Yuta keeps appearing, and Jaehyun doesn't know how to handle it when he does. He doesn't know what to say to make him talk longer—not that he deserves it. He should take this communication for the efficiency it is, be glad Yuta's willing to show up at the same place as him, and move on.

But he can't.

 **Jaehyun:** I don't want to make things awkward for you but you deserve an apology  
**Yuta:** No thanks  
**Jaehyun:** You do though. I know you hate texting but I'll at least say it here so you know: I'm sorry for how I treated you  
**Yuta:** Do you know what you're apologizing for  
**Yuta:** Don't answer that we're not doing this  
**Jaehyun:** I have a better idea than I did around your birthday  
**Yuta:** I told you we’re not doing this

Class is over, people emptying out of the lecture hall, McClintock's beady eyes on Jaehyun sitting like a lone statue near the back. He hurries to type with one hand, the other jamming his stuff into his bag. It's not like he can't send this later, but he might change his mind, and it feels like he can't waste any time when he knows he's got Yuta's attention.

 **Jaehyun:** I'll be at the cafe by Swift tomorrow from noon until 2 if you want the long version. I understand if you don't  
**Jaehyun:** No pressure

\--

That night, he can't make himself jerk off because he knows he'll see Yuta's face, use him like that. Now that Yuta's not a memory but someone he has to see on occasion, and talk to, it feels disrespectful.

He's still up late despite his lack of porn viewing, back to looking at more clothes but relatively sure he won't buy these, at least. So-hyun has been texting him off and on between meetings, and he nearly swipes the latest notification away so it doesn't obscure the boots he's scrutinizing.

Then he realizes it wasn't her name. And it certainly isn't something she'd write.

 **Yuta:** Fuck you  
**Yuta:** I'll be there at one

\--

Yuta comes into the cafe at 1:05, carrying a smoothie he got from somewhere else. He doesn't take his puffy coat off, but he slides his sunglasses to the top of his head when he sits down. His skinny legs shuffle around fitfully under the table as he arranges himself.

"Okay," he says, and doesn't look at Jaehyun. He thought the agony of waiting for Yuta to show up—or ghost him after all—was bad, but he clearly had no idea how much worse Yuta actually being there could be. "Go."

Jaehyun arranges the pile of notes he was making no progress in reviewing and clears his throat. "I tried to prepare for this, but the bullet points were…" He's irritated at himself for stalling. "I kind of didn't think you'd come. Thank you."

"I'm curious, okay, but I don't need a whole show. Just…" He gestures with his smoothie. His hair still looks wet, which can't be comfortable in this weather.

"Okay, well." He really did make bullet points. They swim as he tries to read them. "I'm sorry for pushing your boundaries, first of all. I knew after the first time it was a no-go, and I did it anyway."

This went a lot better all the times he ran through it in his head. Those dramatic confessions, even the outright yelling matches he envisioned, had a lot more flair to them than reciting his offenses in a wavering voice while Yuta stares at the table.

Imagining what they must look like to the baristas and other customers does at least give him a moment of absurd humor to focus on.

"And I'm sorry for, uh, using you to experiment. I'm sorry for… putting myself in your business. I was weird about your friends, you were right."

This was a bad idea. Yuta's impassive, still staring. He takes one painfully slow sip of his smoothie. Jaehyun feels like he's pressing all the buttons in an elevator in the hope it will take him to a restricted floor.

"Most of all… Fuck, I'm just sorry that I let you down. Your friendship means—meant—a lot to me."

Yuta smiles, but Jaehyun can see no trace of real amusement in it. "Thanks, but this is... I know you're sorry. I know you know it was shitty."

Jaehyun's not done, but he still doesn't have a good segue into apologizing for wanting Yuta to fuck him. His list fell apart several points before that one. "Yuta—"

He does finally look at Jaehyun, and his eyes are shuttered, tired, even a little red. "I can still be around you at parties, but I'm not taking it any further no matter how sorry you are." That hurts like a hit without padding. Jaehyun tries to keep it off his face. Yuta must see some of it, because he looks almost apologetic when he says, "It will be more of us pretending everything's fine, and then you'll go back to treating me like your boyfriend and panicking because you're straight—"

"Yuta," Jaehyun says again, while Yuta gets faster and faster, if not louder, "I know I'm not straight."

Yuta thunks his smoothie on the table. "What."

"I said I'm not. I don't know… what I am, technically, but I'm." All the options crowd around in his throat, none of them ready to exist. Saying what he _is_ versus the smaller concession of saying what he _isn't_ is a lot harder, though he has no idea why. It's all the same math. "I like… men. In theory, I mean, I've only kissed two of them."

"Two?" Yuta's eyes are impossibly round. Before, he wouldn't look at Jaehyun, and now he won't look away.

Jaehyun regrets the admission, because lying to Yuta right now is beyond him. He knows Yuta deserves his honesty, and maybe he should have gotten permission to share Ten's business, but then he remembers Ten trying to make Yuta jealous for him. "I kissed Ten. So yeah, it isn't just… a you thing. Or an ego thing. It's—yeah."

"Holy shit." Yuta's stunned expression shifts into consideration. "I'd pay money to see that. Wait, fuck," and he shakes his head like he's mad at himself. "Sorry, you threw me. I… was not expecting that."

"Neither was I, to be fair," Jaehyun says dryly.

Yuta doesn't pick the joke up. He sits back in his chair like he's still processing. After a moment, he grabs his smoothie, but he doesn't sip it, just swirls the straw around in the cup until it makes squeaky noises. "I honestly— So you, uh, put it together."

"It's a work in progress," Jaehyun says. "But I can't exactly deny it."

"Good for you." Yuta scratches his temple, then bats his hair back into place, strands tickling his eyelashes. It's growing out like crazy now, and Jaehyun thinks he can discern the line where his natural dark roots turn into the perfect black of the dye he used. "So, ah, what now?"

"I have no idea. You deserved to know, and an apology."

Yuta nods. His eyes drop to Jaehyun's shoulders, then to Jaehyun's open laptop, like the Mac logo there is fascinating. Jaehyun is disappointed, of course he is, that the shock is fading and the tension is coming back. He didn't expect anything, he reminds himself.

He hasn't moved the needle. And that's fine. It's no loss; he already took the loss. "I do want to be friends again," he says. "But I get it if that's too much."

"Friends."

"Yeah."

"Friends who fuck and make each other homemade meals on the regular?"

 _You can't cook_ , Jaehyun thinks, and sidesteps a sad smile. "I mean. Ideally. But just friends is good too."

Yuta puts a hand to his face, then bites his thumbnail. He laughs, once, and it does sound genuine. "I'm flattered, and tempted"—that jolts him, deep inside—"and proud of you, but it's still a bad idea."

Jaehyun isn't used to planning for the worst possible outcome, but he did this time. That Yuta would take it back and say, _Actually, I can't stand to look at you. Don't show your face at Thanksgiving_. At least this isn't that.

"Okay. Can I ask why, specifically?"

Yuta is silent. It goes on long enough Jaehyun realizes it's all he's going to get. Yuta looks nervous again, adjusting his weight in the seat, gripping onto the back. Like he might need the leverage to push up and run away.

"If you don't want to, you don't want to. I've said what I wanted, and I'm good with it. If you want to be friends, I'll be here."

"Thank you for… telling me." He stands up, hands sliding into his pockets, before he realizes he's left his smoothie on the table. He collects it as Jaehyun shuts his laptop, since he's not going to be able to pretend to study after this. He'll be lucky if he remembers how to use his arms and legs and drive a car. He knows he's going to be useless for the rest of the day.

Before Yuta leaves, though, he pauses and puts a hand on his hip. "Ten, huh?" he says, and shakes his head.

"Yeah. I cried on him after," Jaehyun says, which gets Yuta's old laugh ringing around the cafe, over the sound of milk being steamed.

"Take care, Jaehyun." This time, it's kind.

He's not going to make this a comedy of errors by trying to walk out at the same time as Yuta, so he packs his laptop in his messenger bag as Yuta strides out. He's bulked up by his coat, his Diesel jeans sagging around his small butt, and he glances both ways outside the doors like he's crossing the street and not just walking out into the sidewalk.

Jaehyun's heart squeezes with awareness of how good it was to be near him, even if this conversation sucked. Even if Yuta never wants to try again.

\--

When Jaehyun finishes, wiping sweaty palms on his thighs, and surges forward to grab his Topo Chico from the new coffee table—on a coaster, thanks—to give himself something to do, Ten sighs and delicately presses his temples.

"Okay, that was…"

"A disaster?" Jaehyun jokes. He blows into the neck of the bottle to see if he can create one of those low notes, but nothing happens. He really does feel like he should be up and doing jumping jacks, or maybe running very far away from Ten.

"It's not as bad as it could be," Ten says. "Actually, like, it's basically what I thought."

"Well, I'm glad I'm predictable."

Ten's chewing his lower lip and has cut his eyes to the sides the same way he used to do when Johnny was in a mess half of his own making and no one wanted to piss him off by telling him as much. Seeing it again is almost funny, Ten trying to hold himself back, but it's tempered by knowing _he's_ the one at risk of being given a spoonful of Ten's unfiltered advice.

"You can say it," Jaehyun says. It's not like he expected Ten to spare his feelings when he came home to find Ten waiting for him on the couch, flustered Yuta isn't answering his texts about "how it went." If he wanted to process this on his own, he would have sent Ten to his room and out of his business, not told him the whole story, up through today's apology.

No one's home but them, and Ten's already too deep in this for Jaehyun to pretend he doesn't want to hear his opinion. It's not like it can make things _worse_.

"Oh my _God_ ," Ten explodes, smacking his folded knees. "He caught feelings for you! Like, you get that, right?"

"Uhh…" Jaehyun sets his mineral water back down on the coaster. "I don't know about that, but okay, hypothetically—"

"It's not hypothetical! It's not casual! If it were, he'd be over here right now, getting dick." Ten tugs on one of his dangling earrings and recrosses his legs.

The jitters Jaehyun feels might have caught; both of them are doing a bad job of just sitting on the couch and having a conversation, fidgeting like crazy. He won't be surprised if Ten slithers onto the floor and starts putting his legs by his ears the way he does when he's stressed.

"Or he's too smart to get involved in someone else's identity crisis."

"Sweetie," Ten says, in a way that sounds like _idiot_ , "you were basically dating him for months, of _course_ he caught feelings, of course it was messy—of course he's trying not to step in it again! Fuck, you probably terrify him."

Jaehyun can concede that he was crossing the line between friendship and something else with the birthday meal—he told himself he'd do the same for So-hyun as a nice gesture, but the point is he _hasn't_ ever—but the certainty of Ten's little speech is bewildering. "How do you _know_ this shit?" he demands. Has Yuta told Ten some of this? Is there gay etiquette he's never learned?

"You asked him why he can't do friends-with-benefits with you, and he _threw you out_."

He's thought a lot about why Yuta never answered him, and he settled on assuming Yuta was pissed at Jaehyun's insensitivity, that he didn't _deserve_ an answer. He didn't consider that Yuta's showing him the door was the answer itself.

Jaehyun sits with that a minute, tugging the damp corner of the water's label until it rips. He rolls the piece into a little ball, then isn't sure what to do with it. "So," he starts. "He can sleep with people who aren't me because…"

"Because they're casual. You aren't."

Jaehyun swallows, throat clicking. His head feels buzzy, and he thought by now he was used to feeling very stupid, but it turns out he has endless capacity for that. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, duh. You said he wouldn't give you a reason? This is it. And why wouldn't he catch feelings? You treated him like a king and you're too beautiful and sweet to be real."

"Thank you," Jaehyun says absently, peeling more of the label, this time in a bigger chunk. The tiny ball of paper went on the coaster. Weirdly, the idea of Yuta liking him so much he can't afford to fuck Jaehyun makes him feel good more than bad. It's better than rejection for other reasons. "So what do I…"

Ten huffs and plucks the bottle from Jaehyun's hand. He takes a drink, and Jaehyun knows Ten and Johnny sometimes share drinks (and Mark by proxy, gross), but that's a bridge too far for him, regardless of the fact that they've already been exposed to each other's spit. "Tell him you like him too, and _do not_ under any circumstances use the word _friend_. Oh shit, this is good."

"There's always some in the fridge, you can have—"

"Jaehyun."

"I don't know if I…"

"Oh my fucking God. This is like…" Ten chugs the rest of the bottle and hisses at the bite of the bubbles. "You're so obsessed with him it's actually gross. Jaehyun, honey, you want to fuck me, right?"

"What?" Jaehyun asks, alarmed. He feels like he zoned out in the middle of that and missed the connective tissue, too in his head over the idea of Yuta—flighty, horny Yuta, joking about how no one can pin him down and how he's sowing his wild oats in America—having feelings for Jaehyun beyond thinking he's hot and wanting to go to concerts with him.

That's unkind, though. Yuta's sensitive when he lets himself be. He was as close to Jaehyun as Jaehyun was to him, and Jaehyun knew it.

"I'm not offering. I'm saying, we could have sex once or twice and be friends after. But you couldn't do that with Yuta." Ten's dark eyes squint at him, his mouth tight. He and Johnny ended up shouting at each other in the kitchen during the worst of Johnny's irritable funk, and Ten had to go into the living room and take deep breaths so he wouldn't keep going and harm their friendship irreparably. This is nothing compared to that, but Ten's struggle to not grab Jaehyun by the shoulders and shake him is obvious. "If you slept with him and he just moved on to someone else..."

Jaehyun's first instinct is to declare that Yuta wouldn't. Jaehyun knows they'd fuck so good there wouldn't be anyone to replace him. But then he reels his thinking brain back in and pictures Yuta actually doing it, sleeping with him and getting it out of their systems like he suggested. Staying strictly casual. Hooking up with other people because he's free to.

Fuck. Jaehyun would retreat behind a smile and watch him flirt and burn up inside, and then bring him lunch the next day to make sure he was eating enough.

He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.

Ten gives him a smack on the shoulder that jostles his whole body. "Yeah. That's what I'm trying to tell you."

"We were dating the whole time, weren't we?"

"Yep. You were, like, way gone on him. It was cute. But Yuta thinks you're just really horny for him, not that you want to hold his hand in the moonlight."

Jaehyun grits his teeth. He does want that. Yuta has smaller hands than him. He could keep him warm.

Ten laughs. Jaehyun can't even be offended; laughter is the least of what he deserves for being so oblivious.

"Tell him! Say, 'I like you'"—Ten points at an imaginary Yuta with passion—"'I know you like me, let's do this.'"

"He doesn't date," Jaehyun says. "Not men, anyway."

"So he says no. Are you worse off than you are now?"

"No. Maybe. Shit, I don't know."

"At least give him the option. And put us all out of our misery, oh my God, this is worse than Mark and Johnny's thing."

"I'm offended," Jaehyun says, though he can admit it's true. Minus the kitchen blowout Jaehyun narrowly escaped being dragged into, Johnny is frustrating because you can't tell him anything he doesn't already agree with, and he's unbearable when he's cranky.

But Johnny didn't split the friend group or be cruel for no reason or spend months simping for Yuta while insisting he's straight.

Damn. Jaehyun is a full-fledged simp. He's shocked he didn't start carrying Yuta around everywhere and handling all of his dry cleaning. He was getting perilously close to offering to double his recipes to make him weekly meals as it was.

"You should do it," Ten says. "You deserve to be happy."

He looks so sincere, the frustration melted away, now that Jaehyun's facing the music.

Ten's so good to him, and to Johnny and Mark and Donghyuck. He's been a solid friend to Jaehyun, and he didn't leave Yuta in the cold or pick a side. He was there, offering support, being prickly and funny and a shiny distraction when he needed it. Jaehyun could have done without his weird attempt at aggression during the drinking game, but even that ultimately proved his kindness.

"You too," Jaehyun says. "You're a good guy, Tennie." It's Johnny's nickname for him, and Ten grins at its use, but he pops up off the couch. A few of his joints crack, which is always jarring when he does it deliberately, the world's most worrying party trick.

"I am, thank you. I want snacks."

"I'll make you something."

"I said snacks, not a three-course meal, you puppy. Just stay here, I'll grab stuff."

He wanders into the kitchen, and Jaehyun's left with a moment to collect himself.

It's too new, and still too huge, for him to fully believe it, but it makes sense. He needs to sit with it so it's not coming from an outside source; he needs to slot it into his own world view and decide what he thinks about it. It would be nice if Ten's solution were the right one, maybe more simple.

Jaehyun wants it to be simple, but it can't be.

Can it?

\--

That night, Jaehyun sits on his bed, alone, ears ringing, chewing on the string of his hoodie.

He did have to take a shot and send a prayer up to a god he doesn't believe in to decide to say something in the first place, but his courage and the echo of Ten's surety gets him to be able to press send. After a while.

 **Jaehyun:** Hi, sorry for popping up again  
**Jaehyun:** I want to amend my insufficient apology  
**Yuta:** ?  
**Jaehyun:** I'm sorry it took me this long to say that I'm crazy about you and you're so stupid hot it hurts to look at you  
**Jaehyun:** I'm sorry I didn't see what was right in front of my fucking face  
**Jaehyun:** Yuta, I like you so much

Instantly, he can see Yuta's read it, and there's nothing to do now but wait. Ten's right in that this can't actually make it any worse; Yuta could block him, maybe, but realistically, after weighing the options, Jaehyun thinks there's a fifty-fifty chance he'll either say _That's nice, I'm still not getting involved with your mess_ or _Drive over here immediately, I need dick_.

Maybe seventy-thirty, he thinks, the whining in his ears intensifying as the lack of response drags on.

And then the phone rings. He almost drops it onto his comforter, but he manages to accept the call.

"Jaehyun," Yuta says, gravelly, "what is this?"

Jaehyun laughs nervously. "I think it's technically a confession. Go out with me."

"What?" Yuta laughs too, that sound he's been dearly missing. "You're fucking nuts."

"Yeah, maybe. But I still want to date you."

He can hear Yuta breathing, probably open-mouthed, and the two times he starts to say something but falters. "I—I'm sorry," he finally manages, as Jaehyun presses the phone to his cheek so hard it might leave an imprint. "We can't."

"Is it because you don't date? Or just me?"

"It's because of all of it, fuck. You barely know me, I'm just the first—I'm just the first. You'll find someone else."

Someone else. Jaehyun could find another guy to sleep with—hell, he could proposition Ten to show him the ropes and Ten might be messy enough to say yes despite his better judgment, but he won't find someone like Yuta. He won't find anyone who makes him feel alive like Yuta. The weeks they went not speaking, in ruins, it was like the color leached from Jaehyun's life.

To say nothing of what he knows he gave Yuta too. Jaehyun's half a person sometimes, but that half understood Yuta more than the rest of the city combined.

Mark said he'd never seen Yuta happier.

"Okay, that's bullshit. Yeah, you don't talk about yourself that much, but it's not like you're good at hiding shit. I know you. I _know you_."

"You know the person you want me to be. It was two months, be real, and half of it was…"

Half of it was Jaehyun pretending he didn't want to push Yuta up against the nearest wall. Or make him Mrs. Suh's cream cake.

He smiles, a contortion of his face he's glad no one sees, and shakes his head. It's so fucking obvious. It's always been obvious to everyone but him. And apparently Yuta.

Yuta's obvious to him. Jaehyun's never seen him more clearly.

"Your life was over when you hurt your leg," he starts, as kindly as he can. "You don't want to get an MBA, but you can't think of what else to do. You love your sisters but can't stand to take their calls."

He hears the tiniest noise on the other end of the line, and he waits in case Yuta needs a moment or wants to say something, but it's all pouring out of him, all the pieces he collected, the little glimpses into Yuta's carefully guarded mind.

"You change your hair and your clothes every week because you're trying someone who might replace the guy you used to be. You want to date me so bad you're biting your nails right now—I can hear you. I know you. I wanna know you more. Go on a date with me so we can see if it works."

Yuta's silent now, suspiciously. Like he's not even breathing. "Jaehyun," he says. "Ah, fuck."

"Tomorrow," Jaehyun says. "The Thai place you like up the block from me."

Yuta exhales. He doesn't say no. He doesn't hang up, which Jaehyun knows he's been one wrong word from doing this whole call.

Jaehyun says, "Seven?"

Yuta laughs, and Jaehyun flushes with victory. "Yes, seven, shit, you're such an annoying winner."

He hangs up. Jaehyun calmly lowers his phone and then allows himself one primal, powerful fist pump.

Then he flops back onto his bed like someone's cut all his strings.

Yuta. Tomorrow. Seven. He gets to see him, and talk to him for real, and maybe—if Jaehyun handles this right, because he knows he's basically going to a sales pitch, not a date; he's got to make a case for them, for himself—maybe he'll get to kiss him.

He groans at the thought, a tiny, wistful sound he's never made before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT TOOK THIS LONG FOR THEM TO GO ON A DATE AND FOR JAEHYUN TO KNOW THAT'S WHAT IT WAS omg. I mean... strictly speaking they haven't even GONE ON THE DATE YET. /collapses/
> 
> Also, in case you somehow missed it, here's what I mean by the [TNT gesture](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOFM39ubpUM)! (Sorry, Ten.)
> 
> You can find me over on Twitter [@sssneakiest](https://twitter.com/sssneakiest)!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note that the chapters have been expanded from six to seven! There's a little epilogue coming after this; the bulk of the storyline is over with chapter six, but I wanted a nice coda to end everything with. Should be up in the next week or so!!
> 
> Also, I fully can't believe we're here! It's basically the end, ahhh!!!!! Thank you all so much for coming on this unexpectedly long journey with me. I had no idea when I started that I would end up this deep, haha. <3
> 
> As always, big hugs to Tay for slaying the beta like a boss. I continue to owe you my life (and some homemade quesadillas).

Jaehyun gets to the restaurant early, right at six-thirty. As he parks, he sees Yuta's Uber pull up to the entrance; he knows it's Yuta because he's incapable of ordering anything but Uber Blacks, and this is a Lexus. Jaehyun's heart beats double time when Yuta steps out onto the sidewalk, dwarfed in his giant puffy coat. Through the glare of winter light against the Thai place's windows, he sees Yuta sit on the little bench in the waiting area, head ducked, probably scrolling through his phone. He looks like Jaehyun feels: nervous.

He has no idea how this is going to go. He's never done anything like this, and reflecting on other first dates is less than useless. Jaehyun already knows Yuta, and Yuta already knows him, so he can't hide behind an easy smile and good manners.

Then there's the fact that Yuta is a man, and Jaehyun has no idea if the protocol is different. He tried to ask Ten, who scrunched up his nose and told Jaehyun to stop thinking so much. As if Jaehyun's capable of that. As if he wasn't up half the night and awake before his alarm, thinking in circles.

Jaehyun glances down at the list he made that morning, itching to do something, _anything_ to prep—like Yuta's a mock job interview he's got to nail. He etched out the reasons why he and Yuta should date and a few potential counter-arguments he thinks Yuta might offer. Essentially, the pros and cons of Jung Jaehyun as a boyfriend.

It's a pretty short list, all things considered. Jaehyun can't decide if that's good, that his arguments are strong, or if it's just more proof he's unimaginative.

He's thought about it all day, but he has no idea what to put after _Doesn't want to be tied down/exclusive_ as a potential con. If that's Yuta's main holdout, that he wants to keep living it up in America and doesn't want seriousness or the monotony of one person—Jaehyun—all Jaehyun has to work with is a promise that he's good in bed. That he's worth giving up hookups in club bathrooms and Grindr matches. That he can offer more and better.

The clear issue with that promise is that it's half theoretical. He doesn't know if he wouldn't bore Yuta in bed. He doesn't know, despite his impassioned speech to Yuta, if he believes that he's enough _out_ of bed.

Which is why, instead of going inside and making his case, at the very least indulging in Yuta's company and trying to show him a nice time, he's sitting in his car, sweating, and rereading his stupid list.

In his sun visor's mirror, Jaehyun is too pale, too dour. He tries a few smiles to warm his face up and winces when they look fake, almost manic. He goes for something smaller, the sort of expression he wants to wear when he looks at Yuta across a table after many weeks thinking he'd never see him again, and it's an improvement, a more natural-looking softness.

At least he has one option that isn't straight out of a toothpaste ad.

Jaehyun sighs, shuts off his ignition, and makes himself get out of the car. Yuta doesn't need more time by himself, stewing in second thoughts; Jaehyun's half afraid if he doesn't hurry up, Yuta will convince himself this is a bad idea and Jaehyun will have to watch him sneak out of the restaurant and sprint across the parking lot to escape.

He checks his text messages with Yuta, to be sure there's no _Sorry, I can't_ , and presses the fob button to lock his doors. Enough stalling. Jaehyun's going in there, and he's going to give Yuta reasons to say yes and not no.

Yuta doesn't look up when Jaehyun comes in, bringing a gust of chilly air with him. It takes Jaehyun standing in front of him for a few seconds, waiting for him to realize, before he startles. His puffy coat, draped over his lap, rustles when he uncrosses his legs.

"Oh, you're—"

"I'm very punctual," Jaehyun says, sounding perfectly normal despite everything. "You know this about me."

Yuta takes two tries to slip his phone into his pocket, the plastic glancing off fabric the first time. "Yes, it's one of your many charms."

He stands up, and Jaehyun gets to look at him, from the top of his head to a sweater that's so loose and comfy it's threatening to droop off his shoulder, to the T-shirt underneath, to his long legs in his tight jeans. The flicker of his tongue across his lips.

But then Yuta grins. "I can't believe I earned a glimpse at Jung Jaehyun's forehead."

He probably is as obvious as it gets; Yuta took one look at him and knew how many minutes Jaehyun spent in the bathroom with a hairdryer, comb, and hair wax until his bangs were brushed back with two tendrils finessed loose so it wouldn't look too perfect. Jaehyun's usual style has a lot less body, and usually only a sliver of forehead. Ten whistled at him as he was leaving and gave him a thumbs up. "You earned a lot more than that," he says, and gestures Yuta over to the hostess. "Ready to eat?"

"Starving," Yuta says. He isn't looking at Jaehyun anymore, just out at the tables and booths of the restaurant like he's never seen them before.

Yuta's as nervous, as ready to bolt, as Jaehyun thought, and he has no idea how to break the ice. He doesn't even know how to act walking over to the table with him. Jaehyun's usual playbook involves putting his hand on the small of his date's back and pulling out their chair, which he somehow doubts Yuta will let him do, at least not without rolling his eyes.

The Thai place does good business but is casual and doesn't really take reservations. The dinner rush, such as it is, has only filled up around half the dining room, so they're seated at one of the small tables, given menus and ice water in short order, and left to themselves to decide.

Yuta immediately hides behind the menu, and it's so transparent Jaehyun is besieged by fondness. He gets the same thing every time he eats here. Jaehyun has coaxed him into trying a few other dishes, but he always goes back to drunken noodles and the red curry.

"Yuta," Jaehyun says, "can you look at me, or are the specials that good?"

"No." But he tilts the menu down so Jaehyun can see most of his face, his mouth so red Jaehyun would suspect tint if Yuta didn't have a habit of chewing on it. "You make me nervous."

Hearing that, even though he knew it, makes Jaehyun feel awful and elated at the same time. It's a hard emotion to modulate, and he sips his ice water while he lets it rush through him and settle down. "You make me nervous too," he admits. "Like I've tried one of Johnny's double-brewed French press experiments."

Yuta makes a face remembering the times Johnny made him taste those bitter attempts, and he glances upward, then turns the page on the menu. "I'm just a bad date, I think," he mutters. "I'm rusty."

"Well, that's not true." He's helpless but to feel warm as Yuta mouths the names of drinks he'll never try as he reads over them. "We've gone on like twenty dates, I think I would have noticed by now if you were bad at it."

That gets Yuta to forget the menu, forget the ruse, hopefully forget his nervousness. In fact, Jaehyun feels pinned, having gone so long without the way Yuta looks at him. Like he can see all the way into Jaehyun's mind.

Damn, he wasted so much time. Jaehyun clenches his grip around his ice water and pulls his hand back.

"So we're talking about this before we even order," Yuta says. "Okay."

"If you don't want to be here, if you know there's no chance, I don't want you to suffer through a whole date," Jaehyun says, even though the worst part of him wants to handcuff Yuta to the table.

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be," is all Yuta says.

And then the waitress comes by, and Yuta orders his red curry and drunken noodles and a Thai tea, and Jaehyun orders crispy basil chicken, somehow, over the roaring in his ears. He wants this to be good. He doesn't want it to be a chore, or this fucking awkward. He wants to flip a switch and become the guy Yuta deserves.

"Go ahead," Yuta says softly. He has no menu to hide behind anymore, or pretense that this is a normal date.

"I want things to be out in the open," Jaehyun says. "I know this is… you taking me for a test drive."

Yuta, who was sipping his water, chokes and smacks the glass back onto the table.

Jaehyun lets the fact that he's laughing give him a modicum of confidence and asks, "What? Too much?"

Yuta levels a finger at him, once he's swallowed and covertly wiped his mouth. "You're worse," he accuses. "How did you get worse?"

"Do you want to hear why you should date me or not?"

Yuta sobers and tucks his lower lip between his teeth, thinking. "I do, but I can't… I can't promise you my answer will change."

"Yeah, I know I'm asking a lot." It's hard for him to bring it up again, when Yuta's already shot him down on the subject, but if they're going to be honest, if they're going to put every card on the table, he thinks he should know—and not just so he can craft effective arguments. "You know, you never told me why you don't date."

"Fair enough." Yuta unrolls his napkin, silverware clinking onto the table, and starts twisting it, though his hands are so low it's possible he thinks Jaehyun can't see. "I don't date men because it's dangerous. They could expose me if we had a bad breakup, or we could get careless and found out." He scrunches his face up like he's irritated with himself. "Ah, but even more than the risk, it's because... in a year, maybe two years, I have to go home to Japan and take my place."

Jaehyun nods, though Yuta's attention has drifted away from him, his gaze blank as he runs the napkin over his skin, through his fingers, lost in his own mind.

"My sisters…"

Jaehyun's gotten the impression Yuta's told at least one of his sisters, or that one of them found out; he's dropped hints that he dated someone back in Japan as a teenager in private school, and it ended badly, and his sisters helped with the aftermath. But that's been put together with a lot of suppositional glue.

"They might know?" he wagers.

Yuta nods. But then his chin jerks up and his eyes refocus, wide when they meet Jaehyun's, beseeching him to understand. "But my father, it would kill him. And my family's control in the company is always under attack as it is. I'm— Honestly, it's stupid for me to even fuck around or be in OUTLoud," he says. "So you can see why I avoid… complications."

Despite the fact that Jaehyun could probably guess as much, hearing from Yuta's mouth that he's afraid, that he's closeted back home, makes him worry, makes him sad on Yuta's behalf.

In the same moment, though, it bolsters him. This is why. This logistical issue—of Yuta having expectations for himself, from his family, and choosing to live it up in Chicago because no one recognizes him here or cares that he sleeps with men—is a lot less complex than the reasons Jaehyun was inventing. He knows it's not because Yuta's easily bored or averse to monogamy or because he thinks Jaehyun would be a bad bet; it's because he's afraid. Because he's resigned himself to low risk, low reward.

Jaehyun did take Yuta's sexuality as a given, even though he probably knew better. They really are two peas in a pod, though Yuta's pod is much more sophisticated. He assumed Yuta being out in any capacity meant more than it did.

"I understand," he says slowly. His realization of Yuta's situation blooms; resonance booms in him like an alarm. "I mean, I didn't know about that specifically, but I'm glad you told me. But Yuta… you're describing my life too," he says. "I have to go home and keep this part quiet too. I have responsibilities too."

Yuta sounds almost exasperated when he demands, "Then why—"

As the waitress comes by with their food, Yuta's mouth zips closed. It stays shut, though twisted into a smile, when she says she's glad they're back and that the chef included a little extra for Jaehyun to try. He likes the staff here almost as much as the food; they're always friendly, but he knows it's because he's polite and tips forty percent, and in cash. Any other time, he would be happy to ask about business, about the changing of the season and how icy the sidewalk is outside, about what new dishes the chef is fiddling with, but Jaehyun's locked in a moment with Yuta, and this intrusion feels like sandpaper on his nerves.

Finally, when he's managed to string polite sentences together and one halfway convincing smile, they're left on their own again. Jaehyun, who wasted most of today on rehearsing and bullet points, is surprised by how hard his stomach pangs when he smells the food.

He picks up chopsticks, forgoing the silverware, and tries a bite of the rice dish the chef included. It's nice, and it's only a little spicy, which is about the amount Yuta can take.

"Try this," he instructs, nudging the dish closer.

Yuta hesitates, and Jaehyun realizes he's fallen into old habits during a moment very much not appropriate for it, but he does extend his chopsticks. His expression, the same moment of cautious consideration he always wears trying something new, makes Jaehyun feel like he's going to combust. Jaehyun gulps his ice water and watches Yuta chew.

"Good?" he asks.

Yuta nods and takes a second bite, but he savors this one even more, clearly in no hurry to get back to their conversation. Still, he eventually asks, "If you understand, then why risk it?"

"Because us having to go home eventually doesn't mean I don't want everything I can get of you _now_. You know how good we were. Imagine that, but without me having my head up my ass."

That gets a huff of something, acknowledgement or amusement, and Yuta spoons his curry but doesn't take a bite. Jaehyun, despite how hungry he is, despite the table full of steaming and fragrant food, can't make himself eat more. There's no room in him until he says his piece.

He abandons the list he knows by heart and looks at Yuta's face, his full lips pursed, his sooty eyelashes, and hopes his off-the-cuff honesty is good enough.

"I'm not in the same position you are, but it's, like, terrifying to imagine my family or the shareholders finding out. I get that. I would never leak it. Doing that would ruin my life too." It's part of why dating Yuta made so much sense when he finally connected the dots, and why he's skittish of the idea of finding someone else; no one else understands the level of risk. "I know it's going to end, I've got no delusions about that. And I want it anyway, okay, because I'm better around you, and you're happier around me, and it would be…"

Jaehyun lets himself sink into the fantasies he pushed away so he wouldn't feel so lonely, so pathetic. If imagining Yuta fucking him made Jaehyun feel guilty, imagining waking Yuta up to serve him breakfast in bed was unbearable.

"I wanna go to concerts and... trespass into more churches. I want to take a sushi-making class with you—it starts in January. I wanna fly you to Miami and fuck you by the ocean," he grits, that particular fantasy so vivid he feels like they've done it, like he's heard Yuta moan over the waves. "I want to _travel_ with you, just long weekends with the two of us—"

He breaks off when he realizes Yuta is crying, or as close to crying as Jaehyun's ever seen him, his eyes glassy, and he's clenching his jaw so it doesn't wobble, so nothing escapes.

Jaehyun leans across the table, not sure what he's going to do or say but _something_ to stop this. "I'm sorry—"

Yuta pulls out his phone, and that effectively shuts Jaehyun up. He physically recoils, actually, sitting back in his chair. Yuta's eyebrows pull together, and he looks confused as he stares at it buzzing in his hand.

"I have to— Sicheng," Yuta blurts, and the only giveaway that he was on the verge of crying is the ugly sniff he gives right before accepting the call. "Hello? Sicheng?"

It's hard to watch him, and Jaehyun can't help feeling gutted that he was cut off in favor of a phone call, but he also knows the kind of person Yuta is, and he can't leave his friends hanging. Sicheng would know he's on a date too, so he wouldn't call for no reason.

He hopes to hell that Yuta didn't text Sicheng an SOS so he'd have a convincing out. Jaehyun might have to move back to Seoul tomorrow rather than live in a reality where Yuta can't even be honest with him.

But it becomes evident that something actually is wrong, and Yuta stops looking dazed and starts looking worried. "Is he in a room now?" he asks, sharp. "Has he had a—scan? CAT scan?"

Now Jaehyun's done feeling sorry for himself, since this can't possibly be a ruse. He gestures the waitress over and quietly asks for to-go boxes since there's an emergency. By the time Yuta's hanging up, Jaehyun's fished a hundred-dollar bill out of his wallet and passed it over, telling her to keep the change.

"Sicheng fell during practice and hit his head, maybe fucked up his ankle too. He's got a concussion. And the guy who took him in has to go home."

"Okay, just a second—ah, you know what, we'll leave the food, thank you," Jaehyun says to the waitress, who's loaded up with take-out containers. "It's delicious, but—"

"Wait, it's probably… He's in the E.R. already," Yuta says, like that's going to make Jaehyun change his mind and not move even faster. "It's probably fine—"

"You said he has a concussion. You can't mess around with things like that. Did he go to UChicago?"

Yuta stares at him, licks his lips, and says, "Yes."

"Get your coat, I'll drive you," Jaehyun says, and pushes back from the table. "Thanks again, but we're fine," he says, as the waitress hovers nearby and seems to be unsure if she should pack up their food herself.

It's killing him to walk away from this, from his one shot, but Sicheng is more important. He gets the door for Yuta and watches him wrestle into his coat, made small once again by it, quiet and pale, not the vibrant, fearless guy Jaehyun would follow anywhere.

He almost forgets to unlock the passenger doors but remembers to let Yuta in before he gets too cold.

Inside the car, the windows are already fogging over, and Jaehyun pulls up the UChicago E.R. on his GPS. About two miles. Yet another perk of the neighborhood he lives in.

"I'm sorry," Yuta says into the silence broken by the heater and defrosters working overtime. "About our date."

"Don't worry about it. Your roommate's more important."

Yuta is absorbed in his texts during the short drive, probably letting people know about Sicheng's emergency. Jaehyun gets the impression he's popular around campus, especially with his fellow dancers. Yuta liked him enough to move in with him, which is a gold star of approval as far as Jaehyun's concerned, even if based on their brief and droll interactions he doesn't exactly get it.

Jaehyun tries not to think about how this might be the last time he drives Yuta somewhere, the last time he has Yuta next to him, as he finds a street spot in the drop-off area for the E.R. It's a lucky space; Yuta only has to step out of the car and cross the street to enter those glass doors.

"Hey, we're here," Jaehyun says. "Uh, tell Sicheng I wish him well, and you know you can… I'm here if you need anything."

Though Yuta unbuckles his seatbelt, he doesn't open the door. Jaehyun's staring straight ahead, at his knuckles on the steering wheel, as the Audi idles. He can feel Yuta looking at him, and so he steels himself and looks back.

Yuta's just a head above his enormous white jacket, even if it's a remarkably attractive head, and Jaehyun could laugh that _this_ is how their date is ending, this is the last time Jaehyun's going to see Yuta alone, without the buffer of other people at a party—

But Yuta grabs his sweater and hauls Jaehyun over the center divide to kiss him, warm and shocking. Yuta tastes like red curry, and Jaehyun is so surprised, so utterly floored, he moans into Yuta's mouth. It's not guilty, or drunk, or a prelude to anything—it might be a goodbye, and Jaehyun's awareness of that makes the kiss painful, Yuta's harsh nip to his lower lip notwithstanding.

And then it's over. Yuta's pulled back and released him.

Jaehyun blinks. He's afraid to say anything.

Yuta, so slowly, lifts his hand and strokes the pad of his thumb across Jaehyun's bitten lower lip. Jaehyun shivers, thrust back into the memory of the first time Yuta touched him like this and all the times he's relived it since. Like before, his mouth parts at the slightest pressure. "You're so good to me, huh?"

Jaehyun swallows and resists leaning into Yuta's touch like a cat. "I try to be. I'm not always."

Yuta smiles at him, but it's brittle. It's evident half of his mind is already out of the car, worrying about Sicheng. "It's enough. I'll text you."

He doesn't know what that means.

It takes him a few minutes after Yuta's scuttled across the street and into the emergency room to put the car in drive, to process the fact that he still tastes Yuta, to let himself hope.

\--

"How did it go?" Ten demands, as Jaehyun floats over to the couch from the coat rack, socked feet slapping heavy against the floor.

"I have no idea," Jaehyun says. Ten lifts up the blanket, and Jaehyun takes his usual place at his side. His heart's in his throat, his mind is running wild, and he's not sure he didn't make up that last exchange in the car. "Sicheng got a concussion, so it was... I was saying my piece, and all of a sudden it was over."

Ten stiffens and fumbles for his phone. "Sicheng? Oh my God."

"Yuta's with him, he should be okay."

Ten nods, but he's still frowning and typing in a hurry.

Jaehyun waits for him to finish. He's not sure what else he wants to say, if anything. That conversation was for the two of them, and as helpful as Ten's meddling has turned out to be, as much as Ten already knows, some things don't belong to him.

Except. He's just not sure what to do. What Yuta meant.

"Yuta says they're in a room, waiting to be sent home. It's a mild concussion and a bad sprain," Ten says, slumping with relief. His head rests in the crook of Jaehyun's neck, and he pats Jaehyun's stomach. "Poor baby. What a way for your date to end, huh?"

"He, uh. He kissed me. In the car. Before he got out."

Ten yells, sits back upright, and swats at his arm, all traces of his cute, comforting persona gone. "You couldn't have _led with that_? I thought you got your fucking heart broken!"

"It's not—it's not that serious," Jaehyun says, uneasy, what with how Ten's eyes are boring holes into his face. "I mean, the kiss was, I guess?"

"The kiss was _so_ important. Yuta went on the date, you told him you want to make it official—" Ten narrows his eyes as if daring Jaehyun to say otherwise.

"More or less?"

"—And then he _kissed you_. If Sicheng hadn't bumped his pretty little head, you'd be getting laid right now! So maybe you could look less like Casper the Ghost and just ask Yuta when he's free."

"I think right now I'd be getting mango sticky rice," Jaehyun says, sidestepping the topic of sex entirely, though he gets nervous, anticipatory twists in his stomach thinking of it. "Dude, we didn't even finish dinner. I'm hungry."

"Poor _baby_ ," Ten says again, this time rolling his eyes, but he pulls up his phone and opens UberEats. "Pick something, it's on me."

"You're not buying me dinner," Jaehyun scoffs, and when he pulls his own phone out of his pocket, both of them freeze when they see Yuta's texted him.

 **Yuta:** Sorry again  
**Yuta:** We'll have to redo our date soon

Jaehyun doesn't even feel the series of smacks to his chest that Ten delivers. He doesn't feel his hunger, or his confusion, or his distant worry for Sicheng, who has a grueling schedule of classes and workshops and co-leads a dance group in his limited free time, according to Ten, and can't afford to take time off to heal. All he feels is relief, and elation, a goofy-ass smile he can't repress.

 **Jaehyun:** So I get a shot?

" _God_ ," Ten hollers. "You're both so stupid. It's painful."

 **Yuta:** No I kissed you to be an asshole 🤪  
**Yuta:** What you said you wanted, I want it too

Ten shrieks when Jaehyun picks him up and spins him around, but he clamps his muscular arms around Jaehyun's shoulders and endures it anyway, along with being gently deposited back on the couch once Jaehyun's back reminds him to take it easy.

Johnny comes home to find a couch pillow tossed across the room and both of his roommates yelling at _Real Housewives_ , two pizza boxes nearly empty on the new coffee table.

"Somebody either had a really good day or a really bad day," Johnny muses, flopping into the recliner.

"Good day," Ten declares.

"Yeah, good day," Jaehyun says, smiling down at his phone as yet another text comes in.

It's Yuta, keeping himself occupied so he doesn't freak out on Sicheng, who he's meant to be keeping an eye on for the next twenty-four hours. It's _Yuta_ , talking to Jaehyun. After having kissed him and saying he wants what Jaehyun wants too.

Ten pokes a dimple, and Jaehyun doesn't even care that his hands are covered in pizza grease. He's got more important things to deal with than his complexion.

\--

It's clear that a whole day of playing nursemaid to Sicheng has strained Yuta's patience, and it sounds like Sicheng is understandably not his best self given his level of pain and grogginess. Jaehyun bets a fair amount of his bad mood is disappointment over being told he's barred from anything more strenuous than a walk around the block for weeks.

Now that the panic and novelty of Sicheng's concussion has worn off, Yuta's plainly bored as hell.

 **Yuta:** He won't let me take care of him but he'll let me watch anime with him  
**Yuta:** Sicheng has the worst taste in anime of anyone I've ever met  
**Yuta:** I am suffering trying to be a good person  
**Yuta:** He wants hotpot  
**Yuta:** I guess I will order fucking hotpot  
**Yuta:** Only 4 more hours of this to go  
**Jaehyun:** A few places on DoorDash deliver it  
**Yuta:** He wants noodles now so nm  
**Jaehyun:** What do you want  
**Yuta:** To shuffle off this mortal coil  
**Yuta:** IDK a burrito?

Jaehyun convinces him to order a burrito, and they lazily exchange texts across the hours until Sicheng's free and clear to get uninterrupted sleep. It's weird, and sudden, to be talking to Yuta like this again, but it's what Jaehyun missed so much it felt like his life was hollowed out.

They don't talk about them, really; it's clear that's an issue for another day. They need a second date, and they need to finish their conversation, and Jaehyun needs Yuta well-rested and not on the edge of burnout from stress.

A few times, Jaehyun catches himself almost offering to come over—to make food, or to keep Yuta company, or even to take over Yuta's concussion-watch duties. But it's not the right time, and he doesn't know Sicheng well enough to intrude on his convalescence, and he and Yuta are still in uncertain territory.

When Sicheng's twenty-four hours are up and Yuta is killing time before he can go to bed without risking waking up at five a.m., the conversation takes an unexpected turn.

 **Yuta:** You still haven't told me how you ended up kissing ten  
**Jaehyun:** I didn't know you were that interested  
**Yuta:** 👀  
**Jaehyun:** We were all drunk. He said some weird shit about turning straight guys, I went upstairs to ask him what his problem was because everyone knows Ten doesn't fuck straight guys, somewhere in there our tongues were in each other's mouths 🤦  
**Yuta:** 😂 Of course you were drunk  
**Jaehyun:** Hey  
**Jaehyun:** Fair but unsportsmanlike  
**Yuta:** You are braver when you're drunk  
**Yuta:** So it was one kiss  
**Jaehyun:** More than one

He feels like he's said too much, and he's not disposed to sharing more. The last thing he wants is Yuta, already skittish, getting the wrong idea, though.

 **Jaehyun:** Ten and me are better off as friends  
**Jaehyun:** In case you're worried about that  
**Yuta:** Not worried just curious

After Jaehyun's shower, sprawled on his stomach on his bed, his damp hair left to air dry, Yuta throws him another curveball.

 **Yuta:** It's very funny to me that we are doing this btw  
**Yuta:** You only know me in English  
**Yuta:** How can you want to date me in English 🤣  
**Jaehyun:** You only know ME in English  
**Jaehyun:** I'm much more charming in Korean  
**Yuta:** Your voice is deeper in it 👌👌👌  
**Jaehyun:** I never noticed

By nine, Yuta's clearly falling asleep and liable to drop his phone onto his face, so Jaehyun makes him promise to put it down and succumb to the inevitable.

Jaehyun's ready to collapse too, after two nights of poor sleep and what feels like a day of walking through the world in a haze, unable to believe his luck. He spaced out at the grocery store by the tomatoes imagining meals he could make for Yuta.

 **Yuta:** Come over tomorrow?  
**Jaehyun:** For a date or to hang?  
**Yuta:** Whatever you want

It lights him up like a firework, and he knows he's doomed to jerk off even if Yuta didn't mean it that way.

 **Jaehyun:** Sure, send your address and lmk when

He does, and Jaehyun pulls up one of his new favorite videos, despite the fact that his head is so full of Yuta, Yuta, Yuta, all he sees when he comes is the way Yuta licks over his lips when he's nervous or thinking.

 _You're so good to me, huh_ , loops in Jaehyun's pleasure-soaked brain over the sounds of groaning from the porn, and he's barely able to clean up before he's drifting into the best sleep he's had in months.

\--

Yuta's new place isn't too far from his old one, though it's closer to Kenwood and Washington Park than Jaehyun would have expected. The apartment building is an obvious step down too, but he remembers Yuta thought his old place was too impersonal, and he got weird looks from his yuppie neighbors. This one's got more character, that's for sure, with a red-brick facade and a wrought-iron fence around the whole enormous property.

Yuta and Sicheng's apartment is near one of the elevators, which has to be good news for Sicheng's sprain. Jaehyun isn't sure what he expects when he knocks, but Yuta yanking the door open and pulling Jaehyun into the apartment by his wrist so fast he nearly trips isn't it.

"I changed my mind, we're going out," Yuta announces, stopping Jaehyun before he can take off his shoes or jacket. He starts toeing into his own boots, stomping his foot to jam it in, then making an irritated noise when he realizes he has to let go of Jaehyun to tie it. "I need fresh air."

"You guys have been cooped up in here for two days," Jaehyun notes, and from this angle he can see Yuta's ears stick out the slightest bit from his head. Cute.

From the entryway, he can't see much of the apartment, but there's potted plants that look real and alive on either side of a table well-organized but for one messy stack of mail, and two sets of keys hanging from ornate hooks on the wall. Jaehyun can hear Sicheng watching TV in another room.

"Is this too short notice for another date?" Yuta asks, shoving his overlong hair out of his face.

"Hell no."

Yuta gives an over-dramatic sigh of relief, then swipes his keys, goes into a closet for a jacket, and gestures for Jaehyun to open the door. " _Sicheng_ ," he shouts, "I'm leaving! Text me. And don't get off that fucking couch without your brace or I'll break your ankle for real!"

There's a deep, grumpy sound assent, barely audible over the TV, and Yuta yells, "Bye-bye," as he all but shoves Jaehyun out the door and closes it behind him. Yuta's long legs take off so quickly he almost leaves Jaehyun in the dust.

On their way to the elevator, Jaehyun reaches out to grab Yuta by his sleeve and tug him back as he almost bonks into the hallway wall, struggling to get his coat on. He's thrumming with tension, and he gives Jaehyun a sheepish, "Thanks."

The last two days were harder on Yuta than he guessed. He already knew Yuta doesn't do well cooped up to begin with, but he's also been playing nursemaid to a miserable Sicheng, and had to worry every time he came in to shake him awake that there might be something wrong. And with Jaehyun coming back into his world with a vengeance… Yeah. It's a lot. Yuta's been doing his best, but he's out of cope.

He wonders if he was this transparent to Yuta, at the Psi U party. If Jaehyun's excess frustrated energy radiated from him like a physical force. If Yuta's solution came to him as easily as Jaehyun's idea just did.

"Hey," Jaehyun says as Yuta jabs the button to call the elevator five times in a row. "Do you like bowling?"

\--

Johnny took him to this place a few weekends after he moved in, with some of his friends—and notably not any of the ones from the gay-togethers. They had fun, once Jaehyun got over how spooked he was sticking his fingers into a ball hundreds, if not thousands, of other people used. He ordered his own bowling ball and shoes when he got home that night, and he's annoyed that he didn't have the foresight to bring them along, but it's not like he knew they'd go bowling.

The ball Yuta selects is a marbled bright pink, and they exchanged a pained look when they put on their rented, scuffed shoes. Jaehyun's ball is a dark blue, nearly black, glossy, and he rolls his shoulder as Yuta sets up the scoreboard for them, nursing one of the beers they bought.

"Me first?" he asks, to be sure, and Yuta nods.

Jaehyun went bowling a few times in Korea, and the one time here, but it's a simple enough skill to pick up. His body remembers the posture, the way he has to keep himself relaxed as he aligns his feet to the guide dots and then steps forward, arm swinging.

He knocks most of the pins down and tries not to be bummed out that it wasn't a strike; this is a casual game, and he's maybe on a date, not auditioning for a league. Yuta gives him happy claps, and Jaehyun smiles at him and waits for the ball to come back. When it does, he takes his time lining up the shot, exhaling as he lets go of the ball on a smooth stroke.

It clips the remaining two pins, and Yuta cheers.

Jaehyun smiles and knocks against Yuta's shoulder when they trade places, Yuta passing over his beer for Jaehyun to hold even though there's places for him to set it.

"I'm calling a strike," Yuta says, glancing over his shoulder as he picks up his pink ball.

"Noted."

He has to stifle laughter when he sees Yuta's stance; he's either never been bowling before or doesn't give a shit how to play, because he's standing legs spread more than shoulder-width apart, the ball in the middle of his chest. Somehow, it makes sense that Yuta's as terrible at bowling as he was at racquetball; Jaehyun suspects he's not great at judging distance with his arms so much as his feet, as he clips three pins.

"I'm just warming up," Yuta says, leaning against the ball return machine and flashing Jaehyun a confident grin.

"You're doing fine," Jaehyun says, unable to make a joke, to tease Yuta when he's just… so Yuta. Somehow, after weeks of slowly and painfully accepting that he demolished his chances to have Yuta in his life, let alone as anything more than a friend, he's here, bowling with him, of all things.

Yuta shakes his hair out of his eyes and tries a new contortion, this time leaning forward, but then turns sideways the slightest amount, the ball unsupported dangling off his fingers. That nearly makes Jaehyun call out a warning, only so Yuta won't drop the ball on his toes and then _they_ end up in the E.R., but Yuta hurriedly cups the bottom of it.

"Sorry, it always drives me crazy when people take forever on their turn," Yuta says as he changes his stance again.

"It's fine," Jaehyun says. "I'm, ah, enjoying the view."

Yuta laughs, tossing his head back, and he tries a new pose, this one kind of sticking his butt back and wiggling. Jaehyun knows it's on purpose, that it's a joke, but he still lets himself stare, and Yuta looks over his shoulder to wink right as he releases the ball.

He hears a thump and manages to look away from Yuta right when the ball slides—into the gutter.

Jaehyun laughs so hard he has to set Yuta's beer down.

Yuta is visibly sulking when he comes back over, and Jaehyun slaps his shoulder. "Next round, do you want me to help you?"

Yuta sniffs and swirls the weak beer in his cup. "Why not. You're already beating me regardless of what I do."

Jaehyun grins and fetches his ball, wondering if Yuta's enjoying the show from his vantage, and hisses with satisfaction when he hears the unmistakable crack of a strike.

"You're too good at this," Yuta complains. "I need to find something you're bad at."

"I'm bad at all sorts of shit." Jaehyun takes a long gulp of his own beer and gestures for Yuta to grab his ball. "We'll find something."

"We better. I need to keep that ego of yours in check," Yuta says, smiling wide to make it clear he's joking. Jaehyun gestures again for him to hurry up and stand by the dots, which he does.

"Lift the ball to your shoulder, keep your left hand—yeah," Jaehyun says. He opens his mouth to tell Yuta what else to tweak, but then he realizes he can make this a more hands-on demonstration. He's ginger, but he steps behind Yuta and points over his shoulder, resting his arm on Yuta's shoulder. "You see the arrows? Aim at those, not the pins."

"Mmhm."

"You saw what I did. Start with your right foot, take four steps, and bend your knees when you start to release. Slide your left foot too." Jaehyun knocks his bowling shoe against Yuta's. "Let your body follow through the movement. I know it looks stupid, but it helps."

"How far apart should my legs be? Is this good?" Yuta asks.

Jaehyun laughs under his breath at how transparent he is; he's already leaning back against Jaehyun, his hair nearly tickling his nose, his back a gentle pressure against Jaehyun's chest. He uses his left arm to tap Yuta's thigh, urging him to put his feet together. And then again, when Yuta moves but not far enough.

"Someone's trying to get their dick sucked in a bowling alley bathroom," Yuta murmurs.

"Someone's trying to teach you how to stop throwing gutter balls," Jaehyun says, stepping back to give Yuta room to throw.

The image of Yuta leading him by the hand to the bathrooms and getting on his knees for him, as filthy as it is, as ridiculous as it is, makes him go hot. He backs all the way up to the scoreboard and finishes his beer.

Surprisingly, even though that explanation was half-assed and a ruse for them to touch, Yuta's next throw isn't a complete disaster. With coaching from a safe distance, Yuta manages to knock down all but one pin, and Yuta and Jaehyun are so wound up and so easily plied by victory that they end up in a collision more than a hug. Jaehyun's first instinct is to lift Yuta up and spin him, so he does, but after he sets him back on his feet, it seems impossible to let go of him. They end up with their arms around each other, their faces too close, the little celebration having died down.

Yuta snickers. Then he brushes over the soft hair at the back of Jaehyun's scalp. "I want nachos," he declares, gently shoving at Jaehyun's chest. "Go get me nachos."

\--

They abandon their game to demolish an order of nachos, a terrible pizza, and another two beers between them, and now Jaehyun's watching Yuta absolutely destroy at an arcade game he's apparently never played before.

"I wasted every summer in game centers," Yuta says cheerfully, when he gets tired of the first game and moves on to another, this one with pink and blue guns connected to the machine. Jaehyun's not surprised when he selects the pink side. "Ah, it's like being sixteen again. We should get ramen after."

Jaehyun, holding Yuta's coat and having begged off playing against him, gets comfortable leaning against a claw machine to watch Yuta achieve another high score.

"If you can eat again, sure, we'll get ramen," Jaehyun agrees. "I never really went to arcades. I had consoles at home."

"So did I." Yuta feeds the machine quarters and selects his avatar. "Thank you for this. I thought you were going to take me to a bistro and gaze shyly into my eyes."

"No way. You'd ghost me," Jaehyun laughs, unoffended. The fact that Yuta's joking about hypothetical dates is a reminder that this is one, a real one, not something Jaehyun has deluded himself into thinking is a bro hang.

Of course his playbook for dates went right out the window with Yuta. Of course Yuta needs to goof off and eat junk and shoot pixelated gangsters to relieve his stress. Of course Jaehyun isn't having to wear the mask of the perfect boyfriend. All he has to do is show up with Yuta; the rest takes care of itself.

"What other dates have you planned for us?" Yuta asks. The fact that he's absolutely nailing enemies, switching his weight from foot to foot as his avatar mows through the environment, when he couldn't eyeball how to throw a ball in a straight line, is another one of the quirks Jaehyun likes so much.

"Ice skating, maybe? There's some new food trucks I saw on my way downtown. Oh, and a robot exhibit is opening soon. You want me to get tickets?"

Yuta makes an "mmm" of approval as he reloads. "You know I'm easy, though. Make me food, get me off, make me more food. You don't need to plan shit."

"I like to plan shit. Trust me, you'll get all the food, and, uh—" They're the only ones in the arcade, but it feels wrong to talk about how many times he's going to make Yuta bust when some kids looking to play DDR might wander in.

Yuta catches his hesitation and smiles. From this angle, Jaehyun can see his cheek pushing out. "You gonna give me everything I want?"

"You haven't taken me out on that test drive." Jaehyun hopes Yuta isn't looking at him, can't see how red he is. "Haven't broken me in, found out how I handle."

"This metaphor would be better if I drove." Yuta slots the toy gun back into its holster, his round over, the machine prompting him for more quarters in a blinking red font. "And if you're too shy to say it—"

"Yuta," Jaehyun rumbles, stepping up close to him, damn the hypothetical kids who could walk in. Yuta's still mostly facing away from him, and Jaehyun wants so badly to bend him over the machine he was playing on and rut against his tight little ass. As it is, he gives Yuta enough room to slip away if he wants. "I had to jerk off before I left the house just to be around you. I'm not _shy_ , I'm hanging on by a fucking thread."

Yuta turns, and his eyes are bright. "Good," he breathes, and slides his hand along Jaehyun's clothed hip as he walks past him, maneuvering out of the neon-lit arcade room.

Jaehyun closes his eyes and counts to five before he follows him.

\--

"You want to come up?" Yuta asks as Jaehyun parks.

Night has long since set in, and there's a huge but surprisingly weak full moon, or close to it, in the sky; in the Audi's interior lights, Yuta looks unlike himself. Like he's settled into the shadows; like Jaehyun picked up a ghostly hitchhiker who'll disappear if he turns his head.

Everything in Jaehyun's sexually frustrated body wants to say yes; every long night he's spent alone has Jaehyun electrified. But Yuta just went through two strange and stressful days, and Jaehyun's not even sure if they're on the same page yet. Their date was a good start, something like their rhythm coming back to them—but he still felt the gulf of things unresolved between them. "I shouldn't yet," he says, and drums his fingers on the steering wheel. "We should talk more first."

Yuta makes a noise but seems to take that in stride. "We can make out, right?" he asks. "Please say we can make out."

When Jaehyun laughs, Yuta grins at him, leaning forward. Jaehyun meets him in the middle, cupping the back of his neck and finding it so warm and soft, grunting to taste Yuta. Somehow, after all the beer and plastic cheese, he tastes good; Jaehyun popped a mint after they left the bowling alley, but Yuta hasn't had the opportunity. It's more of his magic.

Yuta kisses him slow and deep for a while, like he's relearning the contours of his teeth and tongue, but then grabs a fistful of Jaehyun's hair and tugs to get access to his jaw and his neck. Jaehyun's happy to let him, unbuckling his seatbelt to slide even closer to the edge of his seat. Yuta must have undone his seatbelt too; he's climbing up onto his knees, and Jaehyun is distracted, worried he might hit his head on the roof, when Yuta bites his earlobe and then seals his lips over it, sucking gently.

Jaehyun makes a noise, quiet enough, but trapped in the small space of the car with them, it's undeniable. Yuta huffs and licks Jaehyun's neck, bumping over his Adam's apple, which was a thing Jaehyun didn't know he liked until this very moment.

"Can I mark you?" Yuta mumbles. He's still finding new sensitive spots on Jaehyun's neck, which is blowing Jaehyun's mind because he knows he's been kissed and touched there before and didn't have this strong of a reaction.

"Yeah."

He clenches his fist in Yuta's shirt when he does as promised, nipping and sucking, pushing Jaehyun until he's almost flush with his seatback and held in place by Yuta's whims and skinny arms.

Yuta's obscuring the rearview mirror, but Jaehyun still looks in that direction in case he can catch a glimpse. He wants to see. He wants to see what he looks like. He wants to see Yuta give him a hickey like they're in high school and this is as much as they can risk. He has an idea of how flushed and fuck-stupid he looks, mouth wet, hanging open, eyebrows pulled together like he's in pain.

When Yuta releases him, letting the pinch of his teeth on Jaehyun's sensitive skin abate, he leans back far enough to get a look at him. Yuta takes stock of what he did. He cups Jaehyun's jaw and tilts his head so what little light there is illuminates the mark.

"That's my good boy," Yuta coos, and Jaehyun's dick—not even fully hard yet, just an annoying ache he's trying not to fixate on—jerks in his jeans. Jaehyun stares at Yuta's eyes, unreadable, an animal gleam in the dark. Yuta kisses Jaehyun's open, nearly lax mouth once, tenderly. "You gonna jerk off when you get home?"

If Jaehyun weren't deeply freaked out by the idea of being caught, potentially arrested for beating it in public, he might not make it home. "Yeah."

"Gonna think about me?" Yuta kisses the apple of his cheek, lingering to breathe over it, which gives Jaehyun a torrent of goosebumps.

Jaehyun's eyes flutter shut, and he swallows. "Yeah."

"So you think about me when you touch that beautiful cock?" The weight of Yuta's palm is heavy on Jaehyun's thigh, and his muscles jump with shock at the touch. Jaehyun's lungs forget how to work for the length of an inhale, and his next is ragged. Yuta licks a stripe from Jaehyun's cheek to his ear, which is so perfectly fucking gross it's going to make Jaehyun come later. "What do you—"

"I think about sucking your dick," Jaehyun growls, "and how much you'll like coming on my face. Fuck, Yuta, I'm trying to be good—"

Yuta moans against his skin, face buried in Jaehyun's neck, and he bites down harder than he did when he was actively trying to mark him. Jaehyun's hips lurch up, and Yuta gropes crudely over the shape of him, enough to feel Jaehyun's straining at his zip.

Then all of Yuta—his Chanel No. 5 smell, his plush mouth, his sharp teeth, his hand exactly where Jaehyun wants it—is gone. Yuta's back in his own seat, taking short, rapid breaths through his open mouth, and Jaehyun is almost, almost crazy enough to beg to do what he described. To hell with public indecency; to hell with wanting to take his time; to hell with making sure Yuta's comfortable dating him. He's wanted for _months_ , even when he didn't know how to name the wanting, and Yuta is right _there_.

"You're right. We, we need to talk first." He fumbles for the door handle, and Jaehyun almost tells him not to, but his mind isn't _completely_ clouded by horniness. Before he can process it, Yuta steps out into the cold night air, breaking their bubble, breaking their illusion of privacy. He leans down to peer at Jaehyun through the open door, illuminated by dome light in almost harsh angles. He shakes his head, shivers, and draws his coat closed, stomping in place. "Shit, it's freezing. Goodnight, Jaehyun. Thank you for the date."

"You're—welcome."

Yuta smiles at him, strained at the edges, and Jaehyun mourns that he can't see the shape of his hard dick with the coat in the way. "Okay. Uh." He backs up and swings the door closed, but at the very last second, he wrenches it open again and pokes his head back in, looking even more frazzled, somehow. "You… you okay with dick pics?"

All Jaehyun's scrambled brain manages is, "Please."

\--

What Yuta sends him isn't _technically_ a dick pic.

It's a shot peering down Yuta's pale body in bed, his nipple ring, his navel ring, the cut of his hip, his hand framing his hard cock, positioning it for the camera—with a wet spot on his gray boxer-briefs. It's the most Jaehyun's ever seen of Yuta in a sexual context, though they were naked in the showers. While he wants to see more than just the shape of him like this, the shaft a rigid line and the head looking surprisingly thick by the elastic band, it's a gift. It's incredible.

Jaehyun groans and strips himself so fast, not bothering with lube, lying on his bed with his socks on, his _shirt_ still on but shoved up to his armpits, his face still cold from the walk from the driveway into the house, imagining sucking on that damp spot and making it bigger, Yuta sighing and petting his neck—

He comes so hard he shouts, and he hopes like hell the heater was running, because otherwise people in the house definitely heard that.

In the aftermath, Jaehyun drops his phone to the side and blinks up at the ceiling. He clenches and unclenches his right hand, feeling his come slide down his knuckles and onto his palm, onto the sheets. He honestly couldn't care; he's buzzing with an incredible high. Yuta made out with him, and touched his cock, and sent him a fucking picture to get off to—

Jaehyun feels a kick of shame when he realizes he was probably supposed to send one back. And that he left Yuta on read.

Hurriedly, he grabs a wet wipe. His hand is still tacky with it as he types.

 **Jaehyun:** Fuck that's hot  
**Jaehyun:** I shot pretty much the second I got home and saw that or I'd send one too  
**Yuta:** 👌👌  
**Yuta:** Don't worry about it  
**Jaehyun:** You sure? I don't want to leave you hanging  
**Yuta:** I came 15 minutes ago, I'm good  
**Yuta:** I got cum on my favorite pillow 😔

It makes him want to laugh, but he's stuck on how Yuta got off in the same hurry Jaehyun did. He was just as turned on by some kissing, that desperate. Jaehyun takes a moment to revel in being the reason for at least one of Yuta's orgasms, then mops up the come still on his belly before it dries. He takes off his shirt too, though his body protests the movement. All of him wants to lie in a puddle of endorphins and relive the night.

Jaehyun smiles when he gets the idea, and he takes about ten tries before he finds the right angle to show off his pale neck and the red designs Yuta made on it with his mouth. Like cherries on snow. It's a perfect shot, even if the corner of Jaehyun's mouth that is visible is clearly smiling, clearly smug.

 **Yuta:** Shit  
**Yuta:** I knew that perfect skin would mark well  
**Jaehyun:** I think I'm going to be stuck in scarves and turtlenecks for a while. At least I look good in them  
**Yuta:** You look good in everything and you know it  
**Yuta:** I'm going to call you tomorrow

The one-two punch of a compliment and Yuta giving him a head's up that they're going to talk—a head's up he isn't sure he should be worried about, since text removes most nuance—kills the afterglow a little. Of course they need to talk, but Jaehyun's not used to Yuta _wanting_ to talk about them.

 **Yuta:** Otherwise we'll end up fucking behind a food truck 😩  
**Jaehyun:** Okay  
**Yuta:** Nothing bad I promise  
**Yuta:** Sweet dreams Jaehyun  
**Jaehyun:** Sweet dreams, Yuta

\--

Yuta texts him when Jaehyun's home from the gym and making a protein shake, blender whirring, Ten shouting at him to talk over it about his Christmas plans. It's a vortex of chaos in the kitchen, but all sound drops away when he sees Yuta's "you OK to talk?" and he lets the blender run ten seconds longer than it needs to.

 **Jaehyun:** Give me 5, making a shake  
**Yuta: 👍👍👍**

Ten gets a knowing look on his face when he sees Jaehyun fumbling to pour his shake into a cup after having texted intently in the middle of Ten's rambling—uncharacteristically rude for him.

"Ooooh, is it a boy?" Ten asks, apparently unbothered, leaning on his elbows on the island. "Tell him I said hi."

"Yeah, sorry, I'm… He said he wanted to talk, and I'm pretty sure that's always a trap even if he told me it's not."

Ten laughs. "Yuta? Wanting to _talk_? Baby, you really are special."

Even if Ten's joking, Jaehyun feels good about that, almost too good. He shouldn't take reassurances from Ten about how Yuta feels about him, but it's hard not to, when Ten knows them both and has a friendship with Yuta Jaehyun can't access or understand. "Apparently," he mumbles, and sips his shake, not even tasting it.

Ten comes around the island to pinch his cheek. "Don't stress out about it. He would just ghost you again if he changed his mind."

Jaehyun is torn between laughing and flicking Ten in the forehead, but he does neither, instead squeezing Ten's wrist as he walks by him. "Tell me the rest of your plans later? When my brain is working?" he asks, and Ten makes a noise of agreement.

"Remember, don't be nervous!" Ten chirps.

He's not _nervous_ , because Yuta said it was nothing bad, but they don't typically talk on the phone, and Yuta never initiates conversations like this. Anything could be waiting for him.

Jaehyun sits at the edge of his bed, slowly forcing down sips of a shake he usually thinks it's pretty delicious given what he has to work with, and wonders if he should just call Yuta himself. He doesn't need to sit here and wonder for a few more minutes.

He sets his cup down, lifts his phone, and gets under the covers, aiming to be comfortable, or maybe to hide under the safety of his blankets if things go bad. It feels so weird to call Yuta, to talk to him on the phone; the other time they did, it was in no way premeditated.

Yuta picks up right after the first ring, and Jaehyun forces himself to relax against the pillow, drawing his covers up high but not so high they muffle him.

"Hey."

"How was your workout?" Yuta asks, the sound of clattering underneath his words. Jaehyun hears a quick splash of a faucet turning on and then off again.

"It was good. Did a lot of core work. Leg day next time."

"I can hear how worried you are, calm down," Yuta laughs. Jaehyun tracks the sounds of him moving through his apartment, still mostly a mystery to him, hard to visualize. He defaults to putting Yuta in his old place, but that location is haunted by the mistakes Jaehyun made in it, not to mention out of date. "I'm not dumping you."

"Good to know. So… what did you want to talk about?"

"I think you have an idea," Yuta says, and hums. Jaehyun thinks he's getting comfortable and wonders if it's in bed too. "You and me, sex, expectations, that sort of thing."

"I can do that," Jaehyun says. "Sorry if I'm weird, I'm just. Bad at relationship talk." He tried his best with Lela, but what she wanted seemed to be hours-long deep dives, and the more he struggled to fill his side of the conversation, the more fraught they became; the more he tried to address the issues she brought up, the more she kept trying to turn them into his too, since his answers weren't enough. A few times, he ended up yelling out of pure frustration.

He didn't have this problem with any of his other exes, but they weren't very serious. Just funny, hot, sweet girls he took out and slept with on the regular. Nothing deep, nothing long-term. Lela was the first he told he loved, and now he's not sure if that was true, but either way, it became pretty obvious he was too shallow for serious. Jaehyun gave up on trying to find a partner in favor of trying to work on himself, and then Yuta happened.

"I don't think you can be worse than me," Yuta says with a dark little laugh, but then moves on. "So first of all, we're dating."

"Right," Jaehyun says, though hearing Yuta say that makes him nuzzle into his pillow, barely able to believe his luck.

"And we are exclusive, yes?"

"I mean," Jaehyun says, wetting his lips, worried this is an area where he could pressure Yuta and scare him off, "only if that's what you want, too—"

"I'm good with it," Yuta says, a little softer, less strident. "And I asked because if you want to fuck raw, we both need to be tested."

It's like someone took Johnny's coffee grinder to his nerves. He can't say anything for a moment, blown away by the images Yuta puts in his head. Jaehyun has rarely had sex without a condom, since Lela hated the cleanup after and usually only told him to skip wrapping up if it was his birthday or something. He's never minded the extra step of putting on a condom in the scheme of things; he didn't want to get anyone pregnant, pass along or pick up a bug, or make things more complicated than they needed to be.

But he knows Yuta. He knows how rigidly he's practiced safe sex since getting chlamydia within a month of moving to Chicago. The middle-aged lesbian at the LGBT health clinic he went to, terrified and even more terrified of it ending up in his medical charts, gave him a very thorough dressing down and education. He laughs about it now, but Jaehyun knows it rattled him, that he never wants to be reckless again.

The idea that he'd relax his standards to fuck Jaehyun, to come in Jaehyun, or to let Jaehyun come in him, shows a level of trust that's choking him.

"Whatever you want," Jaehyun rasps. His dick and balls are tingling, and he rolls over onto his side, tensing his thighs closed, trying to ignore it, to not glance down at himself getting hard over this.

"Yeah, that's another thing," Yuta says, with a chuckle that's mostly air. "It's ah, what's the… An elephant in the room?"

"What is?"

"I want to make sure you know what we're heading to. Not just sex, but the kind of sex."

Jaehyun guesses Yuta isn't tiptoeing around saying _anal_ , though that's his immediate assumption. "Okay," he says.

"Baby," Yuta says. Jaehyun gives up on trying not to get hard, his body tightening and then shivering like someone walked over his grave. "The things I think you want, they're a little kinky. And fuck, I want to give them to you, but you need to be sure."

"Kinky how?" Jaehyun asks, adjusting himself in his sweatpants. "I'm not interested in that _Fifty Shades_ stuff, no offense—"

"No, but you want to be a good boy for me, right? You want to know you're making me happy?"

"Of course," he says, and clears his throat when he sounds gruff. "I guess that _good boy_ shit is kinky, but I don't, like, need it."

"Mmm, but you want it, and I want you to be good too." Yuta's voice keeps dropping until it's a purr, not helping Jaehyun's boner in the slightest. "I want to worship your body, Jaehyun, take my time with it until you're begging to come. Does that sound good?"

Jaehyun sighs so he doesn't straight-up groan, cock throbbing. It sounds like all the things Jaehyun's been learning he likes. "Yeah. Fuck."

"Are you touching yourself?" Yuta asks, sounding delighted.

"Not yet."

"Try to hold off. We're not done yet."

"Okay." Jaehyun shifts onto his back again so he's not pressing the side of his dick against the mattress, though even the minimal weight of the covers over his groin feels good. "What else?"

"What I said, it's basically edging, but I think you might like other things too. Has anyone ever played with your asshole?"

"No." He experiences almost fond deja vu for the night he played Never Have I Ever and Ten got weird on him. If they're ever foolish enough to play it again, he'll have to drink a lot more.

"Would you want me to do that?"

"Yuta, I want you to fuck me, so yeah," Jaehyun says.

Yuta curses under his breath, or at least Jaehyun assumes it's a curse since it's in Japanese. He knows without a doubt Yuta is hard too now, likely struggling to keep his hands off himself too. It makes him smirk, knowing Yuta didn't expect that and now it's going to be all he'll think about.

"Good," Yuta grunts. "But if we're going that far, I need you to look up the color system. And I want you to _use it_ , and not just go along with whatever because you think I won't be happy if you tell me you don't like something."

Jaehyun wants to be offended by the implication he's incapable of saying no, but Yuta knows him too well. He'll suffer through pretty much anything if he thinks Yuta likes it, if it'll make Yuta come. Honestly, nothing Yuta could suggest would be as uncomfortable as confronting the idea that he wants to take dick has been. "Fine," he says. He has a pretty good idea of what the color system is already, but some Googling won't hurt to figure it out beyond a concept applying to other people up to freaky shit. "I promise I won't lick your feet if I don't want to, happy?" he jokes.

"Not into feet, but thanks, that's very reassuring." The tension has been lessened with the instructions Yuta's doling out, but unfortunately it hasn't done much to turn Jaehyun off. He peels back the covers and rolls his eyes at his hard dick begging for attention. "I don't want to do something too fast. I want it to be nice and easy."

"Except for when you're edging me," Jaehyun says, wry.

"Except for that," Yuta laughs. "Okay, good talk. Do you have any questions? Because otherwise I'm going to go jerk off."

Jaehyun resists asking Yuta to stay on the line so they can get off together; he knows Yuta's going to be a stickler about Jaehyun doing his research first. "No, I'm good. I'll see you tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, I'll meet you at the restaurant. Remember, the color system. Use it or I'll be mad."

"We don't want that," Jaehyun says, a dopey smile on his face that this is all it was—Yuta's worry for Jaehyun's comfort, establishing boundaries. "Text me if you get bored."

"Always. Bye-bye."

"Bye."

As Jaehyun moves the phone away from his face, he hears a muffled, "Wait, wait. Jaehyun?"

In a hurry, he moves it back. "Mmm? Yeah?"

"Even outside the colors, if I do something wrong, you have to tell me, okay? Even if it's small."

Jaehyun didn't know what he was expecting—honestly, maybe some parting shot to ensure Jaehyun comes his brains out, or even a promise he'll send a dick pic this time—but this makes him smile even wider. "I will."

"Promise me? I haven't had a boyfriend since I was sixteen. I have no idea what I'm doing."

"I've never had one," Jaehyun says, swallowing hard when he realizes this means he does now. Yuta's his boyfriend. Even in his most self-indulgent, lonely fantasies, he could never make himself imagine that. It was all he could hope for to imagine Yuta letting him back in some capacity, maybe deigning to let Jaehyun suck him off. Not this. Not this exclusivity, this word. Not this level of all in, despite how many reasons they have to avoid risk. "I promise we'll figure it out."

\--

Donghyuck made everyone swear they wouldn't make a big deal of his first night singing at the club; he said he'd be shaky and nervous, and that he needed to focus on harmonies, not on his dipshit friends yelling his name in the audience.

He texted Jaehyun the night before his debut as a backup singer, agonizing over whether to be introduced as Donghyuck or Peter, his seldom-used English name. Jaehyun told him not to overthink it—it's not like he has any ground to stand on with how easily he gave up and let people call him _Jay_ —and to keep in mind he can always use a stage name at a later date. One job isn't the rest of his life.

Jaehyun's not sure what Donghyuck went with. At least not until he's seated at a table near the back, where he probably can't be seen from the stage, on Donghyuck's second night as a performer.

"Everyone, give it up for Donghyuck, our newest addition. Welcome to the family, kiddo," the thirty—maybe forty—something singer says, leaning against the curved side of a sleek black piano to really sell the jazz club cliche.

Under the lights, Donghyuck smiles wide and gives a pageant wave. He looks very pretty but very young, and the suit he's wearing makes him look even more like a ring bearer at someone's wedding.

It's not hard to pick out Donghyuck's tones; Jaehyun's heard him sing often enough, even if none of it was jazz. In the dark, with his flash off, Jaehyun tries to snap a couple shots, pride making him grin like a dad at a little league game when Donghyuck gets into the music and stops looking so stiff.

He's a performer. It's what he's meant to do. Jaehyun puts his phone down and listens. The main singer is throaty and accomplished, and a few couples are milling in the area by the stage, slow-dancing, but most everyone is chatting, laughing, drinking, eating bar snacks or meals from the limited menu. No one knows or cares that Donghyuck is shining like a sun, that he's worked for hours and hours, staying up late every night, to memorize jazz standards and setlists he's never encountered before, and that he's making it look easy. When one of his fellow backup singers grabs a sip of water between songs and mutters something to him, Jaehyun thinks he hears Donghyuck's laughter soar over the crowd.

Jaehyun ends up ordering a steak salad and some red wine, now that they're deep in the set. He's still bursting with pride, and he pulls up his phone to order something else to express his congratulations—maybe something Donghyuck and his fellow singers can eat after their shift. He snorts when he sees his top tab is still a BDSM glossary, shaking his head at what his life's become.

That Google search took him to some weird places, but he gets why Yuta went with the color system rather than suggesting a safeword. Jaehyun's much more likely to begrudgingly pull a yellow card than put the brakes on entirely. He's not sure he wants to think in terms of _submitting_ to Yuta, because that doesn't feel comfortable, but it's close enough for him to understand why Yuta didn't want them stumbling around without any rules.

Anything with Yuta will be better than Jaehyun's previous forays into kinky sex, which involved Lela losing the key to her fuzzy handcuffs and Jaehyun, naked and panicked, digging through the toolbox he never actually used to find something strong enough to break her out.

Jaehyun finds a local patisserie that does gift baskets and inputs the club's address. He wants it to end up backstage during Donghyuck's next performance and raises his head to find the nearest staff member to ask if there's a way to ensure that—and that's when he spots him.

He's leaning against the bar, as far away from the stage as Jaehyun is, nervously stirring his drink with a cocktail straw, attention glued to Donghyuck. It's dim, and they're not exactly next to each other, but the expression on Taeil's face is hard to look at. Fondness, regret, nerves.

Jaehyun is weirded out and sympathetic at the same time, and he's curious enough to do something about it. "Taeil," he tries, quietly, and then again, a little louder, until Taeil's head jerks and he stares at Jaehyun with horrified recognition. Jaehyun waves him over, noting how Taeil takes his time and walks like he's headed to his execution. "Fancy seeing you here," he says, when Taeil slowly sits down, cradling the bottom of what looks like a rum and coke. "I'm Jaehyun. We didn't really get a chance to talk."

"Yeah. Jaehyun. I remember. Listen, I should go—"

"If you went out of your way to come, you should stay. I've got a better view from over here than the bar anyway."

Taeil nods. He sips his drink, eyes flickering back to the stage, where Donghyuck is swaying in tandem with the two women flanking him. "I know this is strange," he says when the song is over, nearly buried under a smattering of applause. "You don't have to be nice to me."

"I'm always nice," Jaehyun says, forcing himself to not smile at the joke. Taeil looks like one word will send him running out of the club. "And sure, it's a little weird," he says, keeping his tone light despite how his hackles are up. "So why do it?"

Taeil takes another sip from his drink and then sets the glass down, like he's finally resigned himself to the fact that he's doing this, sitting at the little table with Jaehyun and his half-eaten salad. "Because I wanted to see him in his element. When he told the choir he got this job, I almost could not believe it. He's a countertenor—do you know what that is?"

Jaehyun shakes his head.

"It's rare. Basically, it just means he can sing higher than most men. Countertenors don't have a lot of opportunities for work." Donghyuck being the only man on the stage who isn't playing an instrument tells a story of rarity on its own. "Guys tend to want to develop their lower register even if it doesn't come naturally. But Donghyuck has neglected his." Taeil's voice rises to be heard over the music, which has switched to a number with a lot more energy to it. A few more people spill into the dance area. "I tried to give him exercises to broaden his range, but." Taeil's mouth twitches in an awkward smile. "He doesn't listen to me. Not that I blame him."

"All this is Greek to me. Donghyuck's a good singer, and he's got a unique voice. I mean, I have ears. What I want to know is why you ghosted him? Why not tell him the truth?"

Taeil sighs, and he stops watching Donghyuck and stares at the table. When he speaks, it's in Korean instead of his cautious English. "When I realized it would matter, it was too late." His head comes up, and he stares at Jaehyun with a firm mouth but pleading eyes. "It was only a few weeks of us being friends, and for most of it, I wasn't sure I wanted to move here. But then I signed the contract, and before I could tell him..." He stops short of explaining the kiss, probably assuming Jaehyun doesn't know. Taeil raises his hand and twirls it dramatically, as if to encapsulate the club, the weirdness of him being at it, maybe his whole life. "I'm not good at people. It's all my fault, I know that."

Jaehyun fits this explanation next to the other ones he's heard about, and it still isn't satisfactory. Maybe for the awkwardness of not explaining, maybe even putting up such a harsh boundary when Donghyuck learned the truth. It doesn't explain why he's here now. "You like him too, don't you?"

Taeil blinks like Jaehyun's question startled him. "Of course I did—"

"No, you _like_ him. You can't let this go, and you showed up to watch him sing, because you like him."

Taeil is silent for a long moment, and he flicks his cocktail straw, face shuttered. "I don't want to make Donghyuck more uncomfortable than I already have. I just wanted... to see him sing."

It's as much of a confession as Taeil standing on his chair and declaring his undying devotion. Jaehyun feels sorry for him as much as he's glad this isn't his mess.

"Fair enough. But I wouldn't show up here again unless you get a chance to talk to him. It's…"

"Pathetic and creepy, yes, I am aware," Taeil says, and sighs. "Thank you for speaking with me, and for being kind. I'm going home now."

"Take care," Jaehyun says, and Taeil bows when he gets up, the smallest dip of his head, before he's pushing past people toward the doors. Seated the way he is, Jaehyun can't watch his progress, but he lets out a long breath when he thinks Taeil's gone.

He has no idea if he should tell Donghyuck that Taeil was here, or if that will make things worse. He doesn't even know if he wants Donghyuck to accept Taeil's apology. Sure, a couple weeks of withholding a secret isn't too bad, but everything stacked on top of it gives him a funny feeling. Jaehyun doesn't think Taeil is a full-blown creep, but…

Whatever. It's not his business; Donghyuck is an adult and can handle himself. And if Taeil wants to make overtures, he has to be responsible for it. Jaehyun won't do it for him.

When he glances up at the stage, Donghyuck is staring straight at him, his smile faded, his body stiff again as he goes through the motions of performing. Jaehyun feels a chill; somehow, in the relative dark, he was spotted, and he knows from Donghyuck's face that Taeil was too.

Jaehyun doesn't know what to do. He holds Donghyuck's look, despite how difficult that is, until Donghyuck gives him the smallest of nods and slides his gaze away, looking at the pianist, then the couples dancing.

Lingering seems like a bad idea. Jaehyun throws a bill from his wallet on the table and stands up. He'll come back sometime with Mark and Johnny and Ten, and they'll cause a ruckus and rack up a hell of a tab, but tonight's over. He's sorry he contributed to making Donghyuck's second night doing what he loves weird.

When he climbs in the car, he sends Donghyuck an attempt at an apology, not sure what to say, if it's even appropriate to acknowledge it.

Two hours later, as Jaehyun's in bed, nearly asleep, he gets his response.

 **Jaehyun:** Sorry if that was weird. You did great, btw  
**DH:** Don't worry about it bro ❤️  
**DH:** Thanks for the flowers, and thanks for coming

\--

Jaehyun finds Johnny and Mark on the couch just as he's leaving, Mark draped over Johnny like a human blanket, his head tucked under Johnny's chin. It makes him pause for a second, eyeing them fondly as Johnny scrolls through his phone and Mark dozes, his glasses on the coffee table. After the bullshit Jaehyun pulled, he worried they might retreat from being coupley anywhere but Johnny’s bedroom; for a few days after, until Jaehyun got over himself and apologized for real, they avoided common spaces, and he worried that might linger. He's glad to see all traces of his mistake are gone.

"You wanna get dinner with us?" Johnny asks quietly, not even glancing up.

"No, thanks, I'm on my way out." He's carrying an overnight bag, though he's nearly gone back to his room and left it there a few times already. It feels like an expectation to bring that, but Yuta told him to come back to his place after their date, and Jaehyun's pretty sure he knows what that means.

Johnny actually looks at him and notices the bag. "Gym? I meant to ask if you wanted me to tag along again sometime, by the way."

"No, ah." It strikes him that only Ten knows he and Yuta are good again. Honestly, he did sort of assume Ten was keeping everyone in the loop about that. Jaehyun is bummed he isn't because it means he has to do it himself, but he's also disappointed in himself for assuming Ten wouldn't respect his privacy. He's a good friend. "I'm actually headed to dinner with Yuta. But I wouldn't mind—"

Mark pops up from Johnny's chest, hair a mess, apparently wide awake. " _What_? I didn't know you guys were talking again! Holy shit."

"It's pretty recent," Jaehyun admits. "But yeah. And Johnny, I'll send you my schedule; you should come with me anytime you're up for it."

Johnny drolly asks, "Does this mean we can stop scheduling separate playdates?"

" _Dude_ , this is not the moment," Mark protests. "Have a good time, man! Oh my gosh."

Jaehyun's at the edge of clarifying it's not just a rekindled friendship, but he's not sure how to find the words, or how he'd field Johnny and Mark's reactions. They probably have questions. It'll probably be a whole thing. This is probably why he hoped Ten would tell everyone his business in the first place.

He decides to leave the dating revelation for later, when he doesn't have somewhere to be and his thoughts aren't distracted by the thought of what he and Yuta are likely to get up to. And when they've gone on more than one and a half dates.

"Yeah, we should all be good to hang out as a group again," is all Jaehyun says, and Mark whoops with victory as Johnny tries to reposition him so he isn't bearing down on his hips. "Sorry it was… weird for a while there."

"I'm just glad you worked it out," Johnny says. Mark resettles against his side, now wearing his glasses and feverishly texting, and Johnny smooths wayward locks of hair down as he studies Jaehyun. He eyes the black duffle and then smiles mildly. "Have a good time, yo."

"Have a good dinner," Jaehyun says lamely, and he feels Johnny's eyes on him until he rounds the corner to the hallway.

\--

"I'm nervous," Yuta complains as he climbs out of the Audi, gazing at Jaehyun over the roof. "I want you to like Sicheng."

"I've met him twice already," Jaehyun says. "There's nothing for me not to like."

That's not entirely true, but Yuta is too nice to call him on it. The spectre of his jealousy has vanished now that he knows Sicheng is Yuta's friend and roommate, not potential competition. But Jaehyun can't shake knowing that Sicheng has seen him arguably at his worst (drunk and weird and happy to parade going home with Lacey in front of Yuta), and he probably witnessed Yuta's side of that whole mess. If anyone should be nervous about being liked, it should be Jaehyun.

Yuta ultimately nods, and Jaehyun locks the car. Yuta said he has a space allocated to his unit in the garage, but he doesn't know which one and needs to ask his landlord, but Jaehyun's used to parking in the elements and occasionally trading off using the garage with Johnny, who can't afford to Uber if he's iced out every day while Jaehyun can.

He leaves his overnight bag in the trunk because he was never sure how to bring it up during their date, and just… grabbing it seems incredibly presumptuous. Yuta didn't ask him to say over, only to come back to his place.

He doubts he's reading it wrong, though, especially after the looks Yuta gave him tonight over dinner, and what he texted after Jaehyun confirmed he'd studied up on the color system, but still. Jaehyun wants to keep his expectations on a leash.

Yuta walks on the very edge of the sidewalk, flirting with his own balance and the ice coating everything, and Jaehyun reacts with seemingly preternatural awareness when Yuta does start to slip. He secures him with a hand to the waist and the other awkwardly squeezing Yuta's hand, until Yuta giggles and adjusts his grip and—

He holds Jaehyun's hand. The entire walk to the apartment, through the elevator ride, and up until he has to grab his keys and unlock the door, his hand is in Jaehyun's.

Jaehyun's palm starts to sweat even though it's freezing fucking cold outside and he can't really feel his fingertips. He hopes Yuta doesn't notice. But his heart is in his throat, and he catches himself glancing down at their joined hands. He's been holding hands since he was thirteen; it shouldn't feel this good, this brand-new, but it does.

They separate once they have to peel out of their coats and take off their shoes, exhaling with relief in the warmth of Yuta's apartment. Jaehyun hears the TV on again, and Yuta is low and curious when he asks Jaehyun, "You okay with staying the night?"

Jaehyun nods and nudges his boot into the shoe rack. "Yeah, I'm… I'd like that."

Yuta grins at him, then pushes his tongue between his teeth as he attempts to wriggle out of his shoes without undoing the laces yet again. "You can borrow my clothes for tomorrow, and I have a— Hey, thanks," he says, when Jaehyun bends to unlace them for him. "I have a spare toothbrush."

Jaehyun keeps his head down as he makes quick work of Yuta's shoes. "I brought a bag," he murmurs. "It's in the trunk."

There's a pause, and Jaehyun looks up to see if Yuta's laughing like he suspects, but then he realizes he's looking up Yuta's body the same as he would be if he were kneeling for less innocent purposes. Jaehyun can't blame the cold for his shiver.

"You're so stupid," Yuta says fondly, and strokes his brow, then cups his face, at least until Jaehyun rises to his feet. "Go get your stuff, baby," he says, apparently oblivious to how Jaehyun flushes hearing that one word, how his ears go red-hot and burn with feeling after being so recently numb. He smacks a kiss to Jaehyun's cheek and then retrieves his keys, holding them out until Jaehyun takes them. "We'll watch anime with Sicheng, hang out a bit, and then I'll take my time with you, all right?"

Jaehyun swallows, fingering over the key he knows unlocks this apartment (Yuta only has three keys on his keychain, and one enamel pendant of Sasuke), and he tries to make a joke of it when he says, "Green," but something about the way Yuta's eyes darken makes it not a joke at all.

\--

Sicheng is still quiet and hard to read, but he laughs at the drama they're watching a few times (since the two of them couldn't agree on an anime to watch, and Jaehyun knows so little about anime he couldn't act as a tiebreaker), and he laughs at the jokes Yuta makes more often.

The vibe is very different from Yuta's old place. For starters, the _Ichi the Killer_ poster is not hanging proudly in the living room, confronting everyone who enters, but there's more plants and less sharp edges and glass, and Sicheng's seated in an actual recliner, his leg elevated, as Yuta and Jaehyun sit on the couch. The couch is new too.

"Did you get rid of all your old furniture?" Jaehyun asked, when he got back inside with his duffel bag.

"Not everything," Yuta said. "I kept most my bedroom stuff. But I never liked that style anyway, it was just what my designer bought."

Yuta's moved three times since coming to Chicago. Jaehyun wonders what his first place looked like, what identity Yuta was trying to inhabit then, before they knew each other.

This couch is a whole lot more comfortable, at least. Jaehyun hasn't moved an inch on it for an hour and counting because, when he sat down, Yuta slung his calf over Jaehyun's and sat so close Jaehyun can occasionally feel the breath of his exhalations. He hasn't been able to track a single thing happening in the drama for the same reason, though it's Korean and Sicheng and Yuta are making do with English subtitles. Yuta's so close, and so casual, and Jaehyun is somehow going to go to bed with him tonight. It doesn't feel real.

"Would you relax," Yuta murmurs. "I'm not blowing you out here."

"Unfortunately," Jaehyun jokes, and makes a show of rolling his shoulders, twitching his leg under the weight of Yuta's. Yuta's socked toes press into his ankle, then ghost down to wriggle between his feet, like he's keeping himself warm.

"I am still here," Sicheng says, and Yuta muffles a laugh in Jaehyun's shoulder.

"Sorry," Jaehyun says. "I'm being rude, but he's feral."

That makes Sicheng laugh like one of Yuta's jokes about the main character's obvious wig. "You are made for each other, then," he says. "But my friends are asking me to come play JX3, so I'm going to limp back to my room."

"Awww, already?" Yuta asks.

Sicheng, already out of the recliner and collecting his empty bottles, wrappers, and his phone, waves Yuta off. "You have your boyfriend here, you can make _him_ act out all the romantic scenes now."

Yuta freezes, then laughs, but there's an edge of something uncomfortable in it. Jaehyun is processing that Yuta makes Sicheng reenact drama scenes with him. Yuta—allergic to commitment, avoided relationships like the plague until Jaehyun somehow convinced him to give it a shot Yuta—is a sucker for cheesy K-drama romance.

"Do you really?" Jaehyun asks, unable to hold back his smile.

"No," Yuta says, not meeting his gaze.

Sicheng simply says, "Yeah. Most the time it's anime, though."

"Hmm, really not sure who I should believe, here." Jaehyun is grinning outright, watching Yuta try to play it cool.

"Dong Sicheng, go bother your friends in Wenzhou and leave me alone. You're dead to me now," Yuta declares.

"It's nice to see you again," Sicheng says to Jaehyun like Yuta isn't even there.

"You too," Jaehyun says. "Have fun gaming."

Then the two of them are left alone, Yuta sulking, staring at the television with his jaw set stubbornly. Jaehyun lets him have a few moments of it, since he knows Yuta well enough to guess his little K-drama reenactments with Sicheng are private and Yuta doesn't take well to invasions of his privacy.

After some minutes go by and Yuta is still stiff as a board, Jaehyun pokes him, literally and figuratively. "You know I think it's cute."

Through clenched teeth, Yuta says, "Oh, I am very cute."

"You're really that mad at him, huh?" Jaehyun says, sobering some, careful with Yuta's prickly edges. "When I think it's cute?"

Yuta swallows heavy, and he still won't meet Jaehyun's eyes, but he's not staring unseeing at the television anymore.

"It's something stupid we do, I don't—I don't mean it," he mumbles.

Jaehyun wants to scoop him up and hold him, despite what a logistical nightmare that would be, despite how Yuta in this mood might not take it well.

"Well, I mean it," Jaehyun says. "If you want to, uh"—he thinks back to every K-drama moment he's seen, all the way to watching _Secret Garden_ with his sister on summer break, pretending he wasn't every bit as into it as she was—"give me back hugs and have me trip and fall into your arms, I'm right here—"

"Just… shut up," Yuta says, and yanks Jaehyun's hair too hard when he pulls him forward to smash their mouths together.

It's their worst kiss to date, and Jaehyun is laughing because of it, which seems to make Yuta even madder. He shoves Jaehyun back against the couch and climbs onto his lap without warning or fanfare, one hand still gripping a fistful of Jaehyun's hair. Yuta is nicer with his mouth than his hands, though, slyly curving his tongue over Jaehyun's. At least to begin with.

Pretty quickly, Jaehyun's gasping up at the ceiling as Yuta leaves new marks on his neck, his fingers squeezing Yuta's ass the way he's thought about so many times. Jaehyun's getting hard, and Yuta's getting hard and making a point of it by rubbing his hips against Jaehyun. Yuta said he was going to take his time with Jaehyun, but Jaehyun doesn't know how much time he's got in him, strictly speaking. He's going to bust easy.

After one final nip, Yuta sighs and pulls back, sitting up straight. His hair is messed up, reminding Jaehyun of the Yuta he first met with his riot of faded pink that badly needed to be tamed. He's so pretty. Sometimes it's easy to miss, because he makes such exaggerated facial expressions, but at rest his features are so lovely, his mouth full, his eyes wide, his nose almost too big for the rest of his face but so striking in the context of it. Jaehyun wants to kiss it. "We should move this to the bedroom or Sicheng will kill me."

"Yeah, no sex on shared furniture," Jaehyun agrees, retracting his hands from Yuta's tight ass with regret. "Umm, give me like ten minutes to… I'll meet you in your bedroom?"

Yuta quirks half a smile at him, then makes a face as he swings a leg off Jaehyun's lap. "Bathroom's second door on the right; my room is last on the left."

Their hard-ons are obvious, and neither of them are making any attempt to pretend like they're not staring at them. Jaehyun pushes up from the couch after Yuta does and steals another kiss. "Got it."

"We're going easy on you tonight, don't worry about it." Yuta nips Jaehyun's earlobe. He's so good with his teeth; things Jaehyun thought he didn't like feel good when Yuta does them.

"There's not much I'm not willing to try with you, for the record." He trusts Yuta to set the pace, but frankly Yuta doesn't know about all the things Jaehyun's seen in porn and wondered about at this point. He's a quick study, and his brain went haywire slotting him and Yuta into a thousand different positions. If Yuta said he wanted to go all night, Jaehyun would be more than down. A little nervous, a little worried about whether or not Yuta has a bidet in his bathroom, but down.

Yuta grins, taps him on the butt, and then pulls away. "You shouldn't say things like that, it's dangerous."

"Please, I know you." Jaehyun retrieves his duffel bag and slings it over his shoulder, watching Yuta go about tidying up their part of the living room. "I know you've put that _Ichi the Killer_ poster up in your bedroom specifically to fuck with me."

Yuta gasps and spins around, throw pillow in hand, as Jaehyun takes off down the hallway, laughing.

\--

The bathroom _does_ have a bidet, the same as Yuta's old apartment and what Jaehyun's used to in all the bathrooms at his own house. Jaehyun is as fresh as he's ever been, his teeth clean, his skincare done, and wearing just boxers when he makes his way to Yuta's room.

As predicted, Yuta did hang the poster above his bed, which makes him grin as Yuta hauls him in. Yuta's smiling into the kiss he presses to Jaehyun's mouth too, his teeth also freshly brushed and minty, slinging his arms over Jaehyun's shoulders. They walk as a unit closer to the bed, Jaehyun framing the cut of Yuta's waist with his hands, marveling at it. It's hard to move and kiss and touch at the same time, but they manage it.

Then Yuta straight-up asks Jaehyun, "Can I play with your asshole?" when they're still basically mouth to mouth.

Jaehyun blinks. "How? I mean, yeah—"

Yuta pushes him back onto the bed, rips his boxers off and tosses them somewhere, bullies his way between Jaehyun's legs, and bends to lick a hot stripe up Jaehyun's limp—and squeaky clean—dick.

Jaehyun reels, blood rushing from his head in a hurry, and garbles something. Yuta does it again. He's thorough, sucking Jaehyun's cock into his mouth, fantastically warm and wet. He must be feeling Jaehyun starting to fill out, feeling Jaehyun's body realize through its shock what's happening.

"You really… Fuck, yeah, the crown," Jaehyun groans, resting on his elbows to take a good look at him getting hard in Yuta's mouth. "You really just went for it."

Yuta pulls off with a leisurely suck. Jaehyun's nearly hard now; Yuta looks entirely too pleased with himself when he gives Jaehyun a stroke. "Tired of waiting. I've wanted to suck this gorgeous cock for so long, you have no idea." He says it for show, Jaehyun's sure, fondling his balls at the same moment and looking Jaehyun dead in the eye, but it works. He grunts with pleasure from the combination of the words and the visual of Yuta touching him, playing with him. Yuta gives the tip a kittenish lick and laughs when Jaehyun sucks in a breath, belly going concave. "Hmm, it's so big, though, do you think I can fit it all in now?"

"You're laying it on a little thi— Oh _shit_." Yuta's mouth is a slick, tight channel enveloping Jaehyun with scorching warmth. It feels almost soothing, like dipping into a hot tub at the perfect temperature. The sensation takes a moment to catch up with him, the way Yuta's throat flutters around the tip.

It's incredible. Good head should be awarded medals, and deep-throating cash prizes, but it's even better because he can see Yuta's eyes watering, the way he's breathing unsteadily through his nose, tilting his head to try to take pressure off his jaw. He pulls back, a tortuously good slide until Jaehyun's dick is just in front of his lips. "Good, right?" he asks, rough.

Five minutes ago, Jaehyun was staring at himself in the mirror, willing away the vestiges of his discomfort with the idea of fucking a guy. He thought tonight would be a series of milestones, that Yuta would show him, with patience and a little bit of sadism, one thing at a time. Now, the last thing he cares about is the fact that Yuta is a man. Jaehyun's too busy being fully hard and marveling at how good Yuta looks with a dick in his mouth.

With _Jaehyun's_ dick in his mouth. His cock's the perfect size, just fat enough to really distend Yuta's cheek if he wants and proven to be not too long that he can't take all of it in.

"It's incredible," Jaehyun admits. "But if you keep it up, I'm gonna bust before we do anything else."

"We don't want that. I haven't even played with your tits yet." Yuta hums and gives him one last squeeze with the back of his throat, taking Jaehyun deep, and he gags a little on the release, but even that's hot more than it's concerning.

"Or my ass," Jaehyun points out, bemused. "Hey, c'mere," he says. He wants his mouth on Yuta; he wants his hands on Yuta. He wants Yuta naked too. He wants to see what his uncut cock looks like hard, if it matches Jaehyun's imagination.

Yuta gets on the bed next to him and kisses him with no hesitation, no cursory wipe of his mouth, and it's a good thing Jaehyun's nasty too and likes tasting himself on Yuta. With his eyes closed, at a strange angle, Jaehyun fumbles for the band of Yuta's sleep pants and groans with relief and satisfaction when he manages to slip his hand in and cup Yuta's cock.

It's soft, as in the skin is silky and warm, and Yuta's already leaking a bit for him. Jaehyun carefully rubs his thumb over the head, pushing back Yuta's foreskin as gently as he can to do so. He wonders if playing with it feels good and gently tests by circling the bunched-up skin beneath the head with his finger; it has to be good, with the way Yuta's breathing.

"I'm so fucking horny," Yuta says. "This is ridiculous."

Jaehyun ventures even further down, despite how little room he has to maneuver in Yuta's pants, until he grazes Yuta's balls. Yuta gasps when he does it, and Jaehyun opens his eyes to see Yuta staring at him like he's stunned, his mouth dropped open.

"Let me blow you," Jaehyun asks, desperate, feeling Yuta so hot and swollen, knowing it'll feel that much better in Jaehyun's mouth. "I won't be that good, I know, but—"

"Fuck, fuck, give me a second." Yuta kisses him and wrenches Jaehyun's hand out of his sleep pants, and Jaehyun sees a streak of precome on his palm. He closes his fist over it, and it feels the same as Jaehyun's, the same stickiness.

It's just a dick, after all, and Jaehyun's been handling one of those his whole life.

"Please," Jaehyun says, pitching his voice lower, feathering kisses on Yuta's jaw. "I wanna taste it."

Yuta swallows, eyes on Jaehyun as he makes himself as alluring as possible and kisses his chin, the bump of his Adam's apple.

"Can I… I want to put a toy in you while you do. So you can get used to it. Is that okay?"

If Yuta said he wanted Jaehyun to stand on his head so Yuta could fuck his face, he would try to make it work. A toy is intimidating, but so is the idea of taking Yuta's skinny dick, and he's ready and willing to try that. "Sure. What kind of toy?"

Yuta flips over onto his stomach and slithers up the bed, stretching to reach his nightstand drawer. First he retrieves lube, which he tosses at Jaehyun, and then a strip of condoms, which end up on the covers between them, and then finally a black sex toy.

"It's not even an inch and a half at its widest point," he says, waggling it. "It's basically like a finger or two. It shouldn't hurt at all."

The toy looks… less than sexy, with its long stem and gentle curve as it nears the head, with three uneven bumps at the upper part. It looks like a lumpy, scary mess. Jaehyun knows that's all the better to hit his prostate with, and that he doesn't even have to take it in very far, but his gut still tightens when faced with the idea of actually letting that thing inside him.

"Can you do it? I'm not…"

Yuta nods. "It goes in easy, I promise. I got you a brand-new one, but I have one just like it."

"I know, I trust you," Jaehyun says. His dick is still hard, but this detour is threatening that—and the fact that he's going to suck dick for the first time soon, which is harder to get his head around when not in the heat of the moment with Yuta's dick in his hand. "How do you want me?"

"Come up the bed, get on the pillows," Yuta says, and he drops the toy to pull off his shirt. Jaehyun hasn't seen his bare skin in ages, and never in this context, and Yuta's piercings make his hands itch to touch them. He's compact—honestly, Jaehyun needs to get back to feeding him on the regular—but so well-made.

Jaehyun wasn't expecting him to kick off his pants too, but then his pretty cock, probably as long as Jaehyun's but notably thinner, is suddenly out for him to gawk at. Jaehyun settles at the head of Yuta's bed as Yuta gathers his accoutrements in one place and shuffles between Jaehyun's knees.

"It's gonna pop in pretty fast," he says, lubing up the toy with one steady, efficient hand. "It'll only go inside you to, hm, about here," he adds, indicating a point under the strongest part of the curve, under one of the lumpy spots, eyeing it so seriously Jaehyun would laugh if this were any other circumstance. "I'm getting you used to having something in your ass, not trying to blow your mind, so don't be disappointed if you don't nut the second it's in, okay?"

"I know prostate stuff is supposed to feel good." Jaehyun looks away when Yuta urges him to bend one knee and pull that leg back to give him room. It's one hell of a position, making his face hot, and it's not even as extreme as some of the others he thought he was ready for. "But I won't get my hopes up."

He's glad they're starting small, though his brain is sure the several inches Yuta indicated can't possibly fit inside him. He's glad Yuta knows what he's doing.

Yuta shocks him by rubbing the lubed-up toy against his asshole, slipping it between his cheeks so quick Jaehyun can barely process it, but he doesn't push. He just circles it, letting the lube warm, allowing Jaehyun to have a moment to breathe. Or say no.

He doesn't say no. He watches Yuta, the focused look on his face, the way he's inching his free hand toward Jaehyun's half-hard dick. His thumb strokes the head, almost a tease it's so light, as he stops making little circles with the toy and holds it still against Jaehyun's asshole.

"Remember, it's just like a finger." Yuta smiles for a second. "The first inch is the weirdest. Push out, remember to breathe, and know I'm going to jerk off to this for the next fifty years."

Jaehyun laughs, and Yuta starts handling his dick in earnest, until he's not flagging. The pressure at his ass is the same as it was, not forcing entry but reminding him there's something there, something that's got him wet, and Jaehyun makes himself take two steady, deliberate breaths.

Yuta pushes the toy more insistently at Jaehyun's asshole, and it's the wildest thing ever to feel himself start to yield. But then it doesn't really get anywhere; Jaehyun would bet he's clenching down even though he's trying not to, telling himself to relax. He tries pushing out as instructed, but Yuta's not moving forward anymore, and Jaehyun is really, really glad Yuta isn't watching what's going on down there.

In some of the porn he saw, a lot of first-timers (or people playing a very convincing first-timer act) took a while to relax enough and let a finger, or a dick, in. He knows it's normal. It's still weird and embarrassing to lie here like this, hoping his body can do this simple but very unnerving thing.

This time, when Yuta circles his hole with the toy, spreading slick, Jaehyun feels himself clench and then open up, and the very tip slips inside. "There we go," Yuta murmurs, ever so slightly more insistent, until the thickest bit of the toy—the lump at the tip—does literally pop in. Yuta stills, and Jaehyun clenches around the toy over and over, as if his body doesn't know perfectly well what's inside him and who put it there.

After a moment, Yuta slides it forward another inch or so. Jaehyun feels his body expand and narrow with each of the bumps on the toy, until it's sitting snug and Yuta's pulling his hand back.

"That's it?" Jaehyun asks. "No more?"

"It's where it needs to be." Yuta releases Jaehyun's dick to climb up the bed and kiss him, sloppy, maybe even a little victorious. "I told you it's not a big deal."

It simultaneously feels like nothing much at all and like Jaehyun has an anal toy sticking out of his ass. He's not sure how to move, what might jostle it, but it's easy to get lost in Yuta's mouth for a moment or two, to back off the ledge of anxiety and the doubt starting to grow that maybe his body isn't up for it.

It doesn't feel _good_ , exactly, but it doesn't feel bad. It definitely doesn't hurt. Jaehyun squeezes around it, once, and feels an awareness of his own ass travel from the spot the head is pushed up against all the way to his toes and his scalp.

Yuta chuffs and strokes over his chest. "You know what will get your mind off it?"

Jaehyun grins and takes hold of the dick he was so cruelly deprived of a few minutes ago. It fits just as nicely in his hand the second time—even better, with no clothes impeding him. "Your dick?"

"My dick," Yuta agrees. "How do you want to try it?"

Jaehyun is too ginger of the toy and too unsure of his skills to try anything fancy tonight. "Um, I'll just…" He gestures at Yuta's body, and Yuta happily flops onto his back and wriggles to get comfortable.

Yuta's unselfconscious naked, the same as he was in the showers, but he bites his lower lip as Jaehyun dots a few kisses on his sternum, his hip, on the way down. Jaehyun wants to learn Yuta's piercings on another day, when there's not so much going on and he trusts in their ability to draw things out. He thinks this might be as far as they get given how wound up they are, just the toy and a practical education in sucking dick, unless Jaehyun's terrible at it and bites him or something.

Finally, he's eye level with it. It's the same pretty, pale cock with a sticky red tip half-concealed by his foreskin, and Yuta sighs when Jaehyun gives him a testing stroke.

That's what he's been the most curious about—the ways in which Yuta's dick is different from his. If it feels good to play with the skin. How it will feel against Jaehyun's tongue. How rough he can be.

"You look so good like that," Yuta says, fingers reaching to trace Jaehyun's forearm, braced on Yuta's belly.

Jaehyun grins, making sure his dimples pop, and points Yuta's cock directly at his mouth. "I know," he says, and licks the tip.

It's what he expected: a little salt, a little bitter, an unmistakable tang of precome. But it makes his mouth water, probably because he panics and isn't sure how to swallow for a second. Then he gets to watch what it does to Yuta when Jaehyun sticks out his tongue and slaps Yuta's dick against it.

A shot of pleasure races down Jaehyun's spine when Yuta moans, the sound intensifying as Jaehyun breaks eye contact and gets down to actually sucking cock, closing his mouth over the head. It makes him clench around the toy, so hard it feels like he pulls it deeper somehow, and that makes him pause for a second.

It's fine, though. Nothing else happens. Jaehyun's fine, and he's got Yuta's dick in his mouth, Yuta's eyes on him. Yuta won't be able to look at his mouth and not know. Yuta won't be able to forget that he's the one to break Jaehyun in like this.

He might not be good at it, but Jaehyun wasn't good at eating pussy when he started either. Now, he's happy to spend as long as it takes with his fingers and mouth making a girl come, trying all the tricks he's picked up. The idea that he gets to learn this new skill set, that he gets to learn how Yuta likes it until he can't help himself and shoots too early in Jaehyun's mouth, gives him a thrill.

It gives him a _goal_. And as all of Jaehyun's report cards attest, he is goal oriented.

Jaehyun groans when he takes more of Yuta's cock into his mouth, feeling the head slide against his soft palate as he desperately tries to keep his teeth from scraping over the sides of the shaft. He has no idea what the state of his gag reflex is; there's no better time than now to test it, he guesses. Jaehyun swallows all the spit and precome in one hard gulp before pulling up onto his knees and slowly sliding his head forward, and then further than before.

Yuta's cockhead tickles Jaehyun's throat and sends up a moment of alarm that his airway is obstructed, and he does gag, but it's nothing he can't handle. Still, he thinks this deep is as far as he wants to try today; he's not sure how to breathe, hold back gagging, and make it _good_ , but at least he knows it's on the table for next time.

"Fuck, not so deep," Yuta groans. Jaehyun takes his time sliding back, drooling all over Yuta's dick in the process and hoping it looks hot and not disgusting. He coughs when Yuta's out of his mouth again, and his eyes did tear up, but it's really not that bad. He expected it to be a lot worse.

"Just testing," Jaehyun mumbles, mouthing over Yuta's dick again. This position is not great on his neck, but unless they get up and Yuta stands on the bed, or something, it's as good as it's going to get.

"Your ears are so red when you suck dick," Yuta sighs, tugging on one as Jaehyun licks over his navel, trying to plan his next angle of attack. "I'm obsessed with them."

Jaehyun is pretty sure that's Yuta code for _I'm obsessed with you_ , and he feels dizzy with how much he likes that—or maybe with how little he managed to breathe while testing his gag reflex. Like a reward, Jaehyun pushes his tongue under the edge of Yuta's foreskin, and the cracking moan he gets in response has him tracing a whole circle like that, as Yuta hisses with sensitivity but makes no move to push Jaehyun away.

He squeezes around the toy again, and this time it feels good, kind of primally satisfying. The pressure from the tip of it has gone from feeling like an intrusion to something else—a reminder, mostly, of what Jaehyun lets Yuta do to him, or a promise of what will come when they're both ready.

When he tries bobbing his head up and down, shallow as it is, his whole body tenses up as if to brace for another round of gagging, and that includes his ass too.

"Fuck." Jaehyun pulls off to rest his head on Yuta's hip. He swirls his thumb through the mess of his spit on Yuta's skin, then rubs over the slit at the tip to watch more precome trickle out. Yuta's crown is sensitive; so is Jaehyun's, but he imagines with the protection of foreskin most of the time, Yuta's even more so. His foreskin isn't super taut, but it doesn't feel like Jaehyun can play with it too much either.

"How's the toy?" Yuta asks, like he knows that's what Jaehyun's taking a moment to figure out, not the dick he doesn't want to stop playing with.

So far, Jaehyun's favorite is when he's parting his mouth for it, letting Yuta's cock slide over his lips. The stretch is nice, but it's more the pressure, that silky, hot skin gliding over his sensitive lips. He likes the way Yuta reacts when he licks the tip too, but the moment of putting a dick in his mouth is surprisingly heady. It keeps making him clench, which keeps dragging him back to an uncomfortable awareness of his ass.

"Umm, it feels like it might be rubbing my prostate," Jaehyun admits. "My body's kind of…"

"Freaking out?"

Jaehyun wouldn't go that far, but he's hyperaware of his ass, the deep, unrelenting pressure in it, the way every time he chokes or coughs or tenses up, he can feel it, shifting the smallest amount inside him. It doesn't feel like fireworks, let alone sparks, but it feels like _something_. It's making him antsy.

"Can I turn it on? It has a vibrator. You might like that better."

Jaehyun leans forward to see if Yuta's balls feel as soft on his lips as they did against his fingertips. Yuta hikes a knee up to let him, and moans when Jaehyun rubs his mouth, then his tongue, over his sac.

"Why the hell not?" Jaehyun isn't planning on spending a ton of time on Yuta's balls, but he's pleased he's managed to find a guy as fastidious about grooming and hygiene as he is. Yuta smells sweatier, deeper, down here, but it's nothing gross. He pops back up above Yuta's hips and gives a slurping, worshipful kiss to the head, working the foreskin back down with his tongue when he needs to.

" _Shit_."

"Gonna come?" Jaehyun asks, tasting more of Yuta on his tongue.

"Pretty soon," Yuta agrees. "Okay, uh, you can turn it on, or I can, it's a button at the base. Click it twice."

Jaehyun is not about to make Yuta do it, as that would remove his dick from the range of Jaehyun's mouth. He still takes a while to move a hand back and find the base, but once he does, Jaehyun doesn't hesitate to press the button twice.

An audible buzzing starts up, and Jaehyun forgets where he is and what he's doing for a second as his body is wracked with a new, extremely unfamiliar sensation.

"Just give it a second," Yuta says, as Jaehyun ends up resting his head on his belly and hip again, thighs clamped together, body frozen. Yuta's cock is so pretty, Jaehyun should just move his head and give it some more attention, but the ticklish, incredibly powerful vibrations have gone from making him feel borderline numb to making him feel crazy in a matter of seconds.

"Oh, it's…" Ugly, questioning noises slip from Jaehyun's open mouth, and he feels a zap deep inside him, somewhere that could be his guts but also could be the inside of his dick. Then another one. Maybe it's one big zap, or a bunch of tiny zaps, each one for the endless minute vibrations in the toy, scoring goosebumps down his arms and making his toes curl until they feel like they're going to cramp.

"Good? Should I turn it off?"

Some part of Jaehyun's mind is screaming that he needs the vibator off and the toy out of him. He doesn't know what this is, what this feels like, only that he's starting to jerk, that the noises he's making are getting worse.

"No," he gasps, when Yuta sits up. "No, fuck, it's right on it. I can… Am I coming?" he asks, and dumbly reaches a hand down to check. He's leaking like he's close, but he's not coming.

Yuta growls and gets out from under Jaehyun anyway.

Jaehyun does his best to not curl up like a pill bug, his hand wrapped around the base of his cock, and he thinks he feels the vibration in his dick, maybe. He's shivering, cutting off bewildered moans before they can make it more humiliatingly obvious how new to this he is, how an ugly toy in his ass is turning him inside out.

Yuta kisses his cheek and slides his arm under Jaehyun's neck to support his head. His other hand grabs Jaehyun's dick, squeezing it, as his body forces Jaehyun's to unfurl and make room for him. Every muscle feels stiff and uncooperative; he thinks he's either clenching down around the toy nonstop or the vibrations have somehow gotten him loose, opened up.

"I'm gonna come," Jaehyun pants, squeezing his eyes shut. "Please make me come. Yuta, oh fuck."

"I got you," Yuta croons. He hauls Jaehyun in closer and somehow arranges him so he's rutting his dick against Yuta's thigh, and Yuta grabs hold of the toy, pushing it firmly against the spot the horrible, wracking pleasure is emanating from. "There you go."

"Fuck." Yuta pulls the toy back for a second, just long enough for Jaehyun to gasp for air. He doesn't have the presence of mind to grind against Yuta's thigh; all he can do is tuck his face in Yuta's chest and moan, waiting for the next time Yuta pushes it against that spot.

He does, and Jaehyun cries out.

"Let it happen, I know, I know, just let it happen, you're so good for me."

Jaehyun chokes something like Yuta's name and whines, the sound breaking into nonsense when Yuta fucks him with the toy again. Even when it's not pressed point-blank to what Jaehyun assumes is his prostate, the vibrations make it so he can't move, can barely breathe. He can feel his dick getting wetter and wetter, leaking like a fountain. It seems impossible that he hasn't come yet, that he isn't stuck in some strange purgatory of one continuous orgasm as Yuta kisses his shoulder.

Yuta presses the button to increase the speed. Jaehyun goes silent and rigid for so long he pulls the toy almost out and asks, "Color? Jaehyun, can you—"

" _Green_ ," Jaehyun sobs, and when Yuta torques the toy back in where he needs it, all of his muscles lock up at once, his left foot kicking the bed so hard it hurts, as he starts to shoot.

It goes on forever, the last bit of it actually painful, his hips slamming against Yuta's almost too forcefully, all of his muscles straining. Jaehyun only remembers to breathe when Yuta tips his head up from his chest and forces him to, when Jaehyun is wracked with shudders and Yuta's toy is somehow, achingly, gone from the tight clutch of his body. He wants it back; he feels empty without it, but he knows if anything puts the slightest pressure on his prostate, he'd start screaming.

Jaehyun's running hot and cold and numb, like various parts of his body are shutting off and switching on randomly, and Yuta holds him through it, strokes his sweaty back and whispers against his forehead.

It's a wonderful, humiliating moment, and Jaehyun is too exhausted to care that he clamps onto Yuta the second he gets his strength back, like Yuta's his life raft in a churning sea.

When he opens his eyes, he finds they're damp, and all he can see is Yuta anyway, his neck and some of the mattress beneath him. He realizes Yuta's dick is rubbing against him, and Jaehyun moans.

"Come on me," he slurs, blinking and sniffing and feeling like he could float off the bed if it weren't for Yuta's arms around him. "Green. Yuta, please, green. I need you to come."

Yuta groans and worms a hand between their bodies, somehow. Jaehyun tries to pull back to see him, to watch Yuta jerk off onto Jaehyun's skin, this simple thing he remembers wanting when he couldn't admit anything else to himself.

But Yuta keeps him where he is, and Yuta moans, "Fuck, _Jaehyun_ ," against his ear before he feels the hot splash of Yuta's come on his belly, on his own wet and sensitive cock.

He hugs Yuta closer after, once his hand and arm are out of the way, pushing his mouth to Yuta's neck, his collarbone. He can't get close enough. The come and spit are smearing between them, probably dripping down to the covers.

Jaehyun comes back to himself in stages, and he's bone-deep exhausted and about to pass out by the time Yuta has everything cleaned up (using the wipes Jaehyun brought from home, their familiar scent piercing the veil of stupor a little). He rolls Jaehyun around, and Jaehyun lets him, feebly kicking his feet under the sheets to help him when Yuta tries to strip the bed of its topmost layer to wash it.

"Go ahead and sleep," Yuta says fondly, running a hand from the top of Jaehyun's shockingly sensitive scalp to the small of his back before he tugs the sheets up to Jaehyun's chin. "I'm going to put this in the washer, but I'll be right back."

After Yuta leaves, even though it's for only a few minutes, Jaehyun is mostly back to normal, and the room feels too quiet without Yuta in it. He feels empty in the aftermath of being filled so specifically, but also like there's too much room inside his head. Like he's not inhabiting it the same. It's not a bad feeling—and the whole-body orgasm he just had ranks among the best experiences of his life, keeps making him shiver to remember it—but it is odd.

He's embarrassed at the noises he made, at how thoroughly his body shocked him, but he's also too tired to care. It's easier when Yuta returns, shutting off the light and climbing into bed, though Jaehyun is disappointed he put underwear on.

"You okay?" Yuta asks, passing Jaehyun a water bottle. "It can feel weird after sex like that."

"I'm okay," Jaehyun assures him. "What time is it?"

"It's elevenish," Yuta says. "I can bring you your phone, I didn't think—"

"No, no, just curious."

Yuta sips his own water and sets it on the floor, which Jaehyun would ordinarily try to stop but just doesn't have the energy for right now. It's not totally dark, but it's hard to read him. Jaehyun's wrung-out brain shouldn't be trying in the first place. "I'm going to sleep forever." Yuta's tone is warm as he sinks under the sheets and new blanket he brought back with him. "Kiss me first?"

Jaehyun doesn't bother to analyze why he feels the relief he does, only molds himself to Yuta's side and kisses him. He distantly wonders if he tastes like dick still; to his own taste buds, there's only spit and water. Yuta's hands are warm on Jaehyun's sides, his back, even tugging his earlobe. "Thank you," he says, "for being so annoying that I agreed to go out with you."

Warmth floods him in all the places Yuta hasn't managed to touch. "Thank you for introducing me to my prostate," Jaehyun says, and sucks in a breath when Yuta bites him, though not very hard. Fondly.

"Why was I even surprised you have the most sensitive prostate ever?" Yuta laughs, still stroking Jaehyun, not objecting when Jaehyun uses his shoulder as a pillow. He knows they'll move apart as they actually go to sleep; Jaehyun is too warm for a lot of his bedmates in the first place, to say nothing of how rarely Yuta has had overnight guests and is used to sprawling out. "You're a wet dream in every other way, so why not this too?"

"Too bad your dick doesn't vibrate," Jaehyun yawns, Yuta's words as comfortable as the sheets and blanket atop him.

Yuta laughs, jostling Jaehyun, and Jaehyun smiles and thinks about how he missed that the most.

He drifts off to Yuta's thumb tracing idle patterns on his back.

\--

Minus the indeterminate hour Jaehyun woke needing to piss, chancing his modesty and Sicheng's eyes by making a run for the bathroom naked, he slept like a baby next to Yuta the whole night.

Yuta woke him again later in the morning with a blowjob, and then tried to convince Jaehyun it _wasn't_ time to conquer his gag reflex despite Jaehyun's concerted efforts to prove otherwise, and then, a sticky, happy tyrant, he demanded Jaehyun make everyone brunch.

An odd vulnerability still reared his head remembering the previous night, making him uneasy, fixating on just how strongly he reacted to something in his ass. But the trade-off of knowing how Yuta's nose whistled in his sleep, of experiencing how he kept coming over to hug Jaehyun from behind at the stove, kissing the back of his neck, offset all that.

Sicheng either did not hear Jaehyun's unhinged wailing or is the best actor on Earth, because he navigates the morning with ease, teasing Yuta and asking Jaehyun questions about his program. They share Ten anecdotes while Jaehyun plates everything up, and then Sicheng compliments Jaehyun's cooking and tells him he's welcome to come back anytime if he's going to keep them fed.

"I think it's the food that did it," Jaehyun says contemplatively, watching Yuta chew with his usual gusto. "If I couldn't cook, Yuta would have left me on read."

Yuta glances up, a strip of bacon hanging from his mouth, and makes a contemplative noise. "Yes, I'm dating you for your ochazuke."

"I knew it." Jaehyun grins, and Yuta winks at him, and Sicheng rolls his eyes but withholds comment, choosing instead to eat more of the cheesy grits Yuta said he always wanted to try. "It's okay, I'm dating you for your money anyway."

Yuta cackles, throwing his head back and banging the table with his fist. Even Sicheng isn't immune to that, giggling in a way that makes him downright cute. Jaehyun can't stop grinning either; Yuta happy is a force to be reckoned with.

\--

Jaehyun has to go home, has to go do homework and get ready for a study group that evening, their last before Thanksgiving break, but Yuta kisses him stupid at the front door, reeling him back in again and again by his coat.

"I'm coming _back_ ," Jaehyun promises. "I just need to do stuff that isn't sucking your dick."

"Lies," Yuta sighs, but he pats Jaehyun's back and actually lets him go. "Text me if you get bored."

It's what they always said to each other, especially in the early days of hanging out, but like everything else that has taken on a new dimension, it's different now. It means _Text me so I don't miss you_.

Jaehyun smiles all the way to his car, even though the cold winter air makes his gums hurt. He does also almost have to call AAA to de-ice his car until it runs long enough to pry the door open, but Jaehyun's good mood won't be deterred.

He's got Yuta. And now he knows he and Yuta have good sex, even when it's lazy blowjobs turned handjobs under the covers.

Now all he has to do is figure out the rest of it.

\--

Donghyuck calls Jaehyun at 3:54 in the morning for reasons that aren't evident. At first he assumes it's an emergency, and Donghyuck's yelling doesn't exactly dissuade that notion.

What he finally makes out is, "Wake Ten up _now_."

"Wait, what is it? Is it—" Jaehyun's already stumbled out of bed in the dark and is trying not to lose his balance as he collides with his door. "Is something wrong?"

Donghyuck makes another indecipherable screech, sucks in a breath, and says, "It's Taemin."

On the second stair that will lead him to Ten's bedroom, Jaehyun freezes. "Taemin? As in SHINee Taemin?"

His answer is another series of sounds, and at least finding out this chaos is something about K-pop assures him it can't be _too_ bad.

Knowing that neither Thailand or Ten himself is in imminent danger, Jaehyun's even less inclined to go in there and wake Ten. He keeps wild hours as it is and is _extremely_ grumpy about any of his sleep getting interrupted.

Donghyuck does not sound like he'll take no for an answer, though. Jaehyun, after mentally preparing himself to get chewed out, opens Ten's door and switches on the light, hoping that will be enough. Unfortunately, Ten is burrowed in his blankets, subsumed by them; there's only a small shape in the covers to let him know Ten's actually home and in bed. Sighing, Jaehyun crosses the room and stoops at Ten's bedside to shake him. Gently.

Ten makes a low sound of confusion and rolls around in his cocoon. Eventually, when Jaehyun gives him another wary shake and says, "Hey, Ten," in what he hopes is a soothing tone, Ten's hair peeks from the covers, and then his cranky face with eyes squinched shut.

"What," Ten croaks.

"Sorry about this, but Donghyuck… Taemin," Jaehyun says, and shoves the phone at a hand Ten snakes out of the covers to rub at his eyes.

Jaehyun steps back like there might be a blast radius. Ten fumbles the phone to his face. "What the fuck?" he asks. "Who—"

He's cut off by Donghyuck's resumed shouting, the first few words in Korean, and Jaehyun watches Ten's face go from pained to confused and then briefly annoyed before landing on utterly blank.

Ten launches himself up in an explosion of blankets. "Oh my God," he says, while Jaehyun springs into action to catch Ten's elbow when he wobbles upon getting to his feet. "Oh my _God_."

He seems to not notice or care that he just hung up on Donghyuck, or that it's Jaehyun's phone he's trying and evidently failing to figure out. Jaehyun hunts down Ten's phone to its place on his bedside table and silently hands it to him.

He's got the feeling that this, as four a.m. wakeup calls go, is not that ominous, but he still has no idea what's going on. The mystery increases when Ten gasps and runs from the room. Jaehyun can hear him thundering downstairs.

He switches the light to Ten's room off as he leaves.

Downstairs, Jaehyun goes into the kitchen to make coffee, since it seems like they're up and going to stay up now. After he pushes the button to leave it to brew, he wanders into the living room, where he finds Ten sitting on the couch in a little ball, peeking above his knees. On the TV, there's a YouTube video pulled up but paused.

It's Taemin from SHINee, and it's footage of some livestream. The title says "211123 TAEMIN VLIVE WATCHES TEN HEAVEN DANCE."

Jaehyun takes a moment to stare at that, then glances back at Ten, still curled up, phone discarded next to him.

"He watched you dance to his stuff, huh?" Jaehyun says lamely, and sits next to Ten, trying to get him to unwind a little. He should be celebrating, not terrified. "That's really cool."

"He friended me on Instagram," Ten rasps. "Taemin is _following me_ on _Instagram_."

"Holy shit."

"I have ten thousand new followers— Jaehyun, I think I'm still asleep." He turns wide eyes on Jaehyun, who slings an arm around his thin shoulders and yanks him closer. "This isn't happening. Is it?"

"It's a good dream, right? But no, you're wide awake, and your elbow is trying to puncture my kidney—"

Ten shifts and sighs and burrows into Jaehyun's side, though he's still strung impossibly tight. "Sorry."

Jaehyun sits with him for a few minutes, hearing the distant burble of coffee brewing in the kitchen, rubbing Ten's shoulder and arm in the predawn stillness. He thinks he could drift back to sleep like this, with Ten as a makeshift and very bony blanket, but then Ten starts fidgeting. He makes to grab for his phone and then snatches his hand away at the last second.

"Are you a big Taemin fan?" Jaehyun asks. "Is that why…"

Ten performs in front of competitors and peers and world-class instructors; he runs his workshops and classes like the pro he is; and he's slowly becoming known for his own choreography. His dance to _Heaven_ (which Johnny filmed over two sweaty days this summer) already racked up 800,000 views before Taemin saw it. Jaehyun can't fathom how Ten could be nervous of scrutiny, at this point.

"I like him a lot," Ten says. "For K-pop, I mean. He's basically the best in the industry. But I'm, not, like, a fanboy. I have no idea why I'm this freaked." He sighs when Jaehyun plays with his hair, something he's seen Johnny do a dozen times.

In the early days of moving in, that casual closeness seemed weird to him, and he did have a few judgmental moments of wondering whether they were all fucking each other. Now that Jaehyun's not hung up on what everything means and how it's perceived, though, now that he's solidly close with Ten, he gets it. It's nice, to be able to be a shoulder for Ten to lean on, and to be able to help him process this. Ten's been there for him; he can be here for Ten.

"Donghyuck kept nagging me to do a Taemin cover. He said I'd go viral." Ten laughs.

"You already did go viral," Jaehyun points out. "That's probably why Taemin saw it in the first place."

"Baby, under a million views isn't viral, but thank you." He pats Jaehyun's abs. "Fuck, I don't know why I'm freaking out about this. BoA left a heart emoji on my Insta dance cover and, like, I _died_ , but it wasn't like this."

"When did that happen? How did I miss that?"

"It was before your time, like 2019."

2019, when Jaehyun was in the second year of a terrible relationship and starting to lose hope in its ability to stay afloat. Before he knew Johnny or Ten beyond reputation. He had one class with Mark and thought, for a few weeks, he was a tryhard, until Wendy said she found him lurking outside the LGBT meeting room, too nervous to come in, and adopted him like a stray. Even then, Jaehyun knew to trust Wendy's opinions on people.

2019, when he thought he was straight. The suggestion of otherwise would have prompted a joke, or maybe a polite—but inwardly stung—correction.

That Jaehyun wouldn't recognize the man he is now, cuddling Ten, wondering if Yuta, his boyfriend, is awake so he can text him and make sure they're still meeting up tonight. Jaehyun smiles and kisses Ten's temple for good measure, which prompts a happy, surprised sound from Ten, and then he risks bodily injury by picking up Ten's phone and pressing play.

"I'm right here," he says, while Ten groans dramatically and hides his face in Jaehyun's chest as Taemin starts talking about a video they've been spamming recommendations for in the chat. "I got you."

"Why is my life so _weird_ ," Ten complains, but he's peeking, catching glimpses of the TV screen, especially as Taemin seems to be delighted to watch.

"You love weird," Jaehyun says, and watches with pride as Taemin observes Ten's magic.

\--

Yuta takes his _time_ , and Jaehyun starts regretting the joke about edging he made before packing another overnight bag and driving over.

Yuta spends at least fifteen minutes petting and admiring him, brushing his hands over each individual part of Jaehyun to see what he does, ignoring his dick and balls but sometimes using his tongue if he hits a good spot.

When he discovers Jaehyun's lack of sexploration extended to his nipples, he laves them until they're stiff and red around the brown areolas, and then he chews on them for good measure, smirking when Jaehyun grunts and twitches on the mattress, his hands buried in Yuta's hair.

"Fuck, that's too much," is the only thing that gets Yuta to stop, humming an apology before testing the minimal depth of Jaehyun's bellybutton with his tongue.

Jaehyun thought he drove over here to get fucked, and that was heavy enough on its own, but now he knows he's being _played with_ , meant to lie back and take it, to be good for Yuta. And he wants that too, wants Yuta to do whatever he feels like with Jaehyun's body.

And yeah, he wants Yuta to trace every line and contour of Jaehyun's abs. It's a reminder that every cut calorie, every early morning at the gym, is worth it, and that Yuta knows how hard he worked to get them.

After Yuta's done taking inventory of Jaehyun's muscles, what he wants next is to pull Jaehyun over him and grind their dicks together. It's another thing Jaehyun has no idea how he went his entire life without trying. Yuta's hand struggles to fit around both of them at once, and Jaehyun likes that even more.

Then Yuta strokes down his back, his hips, and squeezes Jaehyun's ass. He doesn't move on from that spot, and Jaehyun's deep into kissing him and rubbing their dicks together, but he does wonder if Yuta's going to finger him like this.

He's so busy wondering if Yuta's fingers can hit that same spot from the other day that he lags behind realizing Yuta's running his palm over the globes of Jaehyun's ass lightly, back and forth, to feel the down there, the lightest fuzz. Jaehyun's good at grooming, he keeps up with it and doesn't have a ton of pubic hair to worry about in the first place, but he leaves his ass alone. He's never thought about it before this moment.

Now he's wondering if that's been an oversight. "Uh, is it… I can get it waxed if it's—"

"Don't you dare. You're perfect." He squeezes Jaehyun's ass cheek in a palm, then gives it a smack, peering over Jaehyun's shoulder to watch it jiggle. "Perfect little peach."

The embarrassment makes him want to hide his face in Yuta's chest, but honestly, Yuta kneading at him like a cat feels pretty good. "If you say so."

"Mmm, I do say so. Shit, I can't get over you. Not just your body, how pretty you are, but how sweet. Fucking _peach_."

Jaehyun kisses Yuta messy the way he likes, pleasantly embarrassed yet again. "Okay, I'm a peach," he agrees, and laughs. "Are you just gonna squeeze me all day, or…?"

There's already lube and condoms set out on the bed, and Jaehyun is ready to shove one at Yuta and get things started, but Yuta might not see that, strictly speaking, as Jaehyun being _good_.

"Mmm, stop rushing me. I've waited months for this."

"Fine, go back to… fulfilling your muscle worship edging fantasies or whatever."

That does make Yuta's hands pause, and he pulls back enough to look Jaehyun in the eye. "What porn have you been watching?" Then his expression darkens, and he pinches Jaehyun's hip. "Fucking… _my_ fantasies? Are you kidding me?"

"Probably the same porn as you," Jaehyun says, smiling while Yuta narrows his eyes at him and then bites his the meat of his shoulder. "I know the lingo now, at least."

"You're an _expert_ ," Yuta says snidely, even as he knuckles the small of Jaehyun's back where he tends to carry a lot of tension, then pats him. "Move off me, I want to see if I have better luck with the other hole."

" _Yuta_ ," Jaehyun barks, but he's laughing and shuffling off Yuta and onto his stomach. His skin prickles as Yuta quickly gets behind him. He's been asking for this, been anticipating it, and cleaned himself with deeply unsexy thoroughness to make sure everything goes okay.

It's different in this position, though. He fights off squirming and stretches his arms out at his sides, reminding himself it's fine, it's good, no one can see him but Yuta.

Yuta collects the lube and condoms and kisses the back of Jaehyun's neck, and then Jaehyun doesn't feel anything for a while until—

"What!" he yells, as Yuta neatly bites his right ass cheek.

"Can't help it," Yuta mutters, rubbing over the tiny marks his teeth left. "Peach."

"That… can't be sanitary," is all Jaehyun comes up with, pillowing his head on his arms.

"Relax, I'm not eating you out tonight, and I'm definitely not doing it without a dental dam," Yuta declares. Jaehyun can feel him moving around, then he gently lifts Jaehyun's thigh to slip his leg under it.

"Uh, what?"

"Always keep your nails trimmed, your dick clean, and your mouth off people's raw assholes."

Jaehyun smothers a noise of fond exasperation into his forearms and spreads his legs so Yuta can get comfortable between them. He imagined sex with Yuta to be ceaselessly intense—and last time, it really was, the both of them wound so tightly—but he forgot to account for this being _Yuta_.

"I'll keep that in mind," Jaehyun says, laughter still in his voice, though it stalls out when Yuta parts him.

"Fuck, you're so pretty. Even your tight little asshole. I'm rethinking my rimming policies just looking at it."

"Oh my God."

"What, you don't like knowing that _every part_ of you is gorgeous? That I'd beg for a chance to fuck you? That I can't believe you're letting me do it?"

Jaehyun shudders, hopefully not noticeably, and bites his lip as Yuta uncaps the lube. They talked about prep, and Jaehyun isn't interested in drawing it out; he wants to get fucked, and he knows Yuta will read him well enough to stop if he can't handle it. If for some reason he doesn't, Jaehyun's got his color system to fall back on.

He gasps when the sensation of cold, wet lube squirts out onto his skin.

"You can't lie to me," Yuta pants, and there are slick sounds indicating he's lubing up his dick too, atop the condom he slipped on. They're not going without it this time, since Jaehyun still needs to hit up his doctor's office to get tested, but someday soon. "I know you want me to slip inside and forget anyone else."

Jaehyun grunts low and pushes his hips back. Yuta doesn't need to remind him he's fucked dozens of guys, and probably a few girls, like this. Jaehyun's extremely aware. It's not even jealousy; he's glad Yuta's had fun, but he can't handle ending up anything but first on the scoreboard.

"Fuck me," he demands, only slightly petulant.

"You want this cock, baby?" Yuta asks, and rubs the slick, latex-covered tip of it where he's going to put it in, until Jaehyun clenches reflexively around nothing. "You want to open up for this cock?"

"You know I do, fucking give it to me."

"I'll give you the tip. I think that's about what you've earned."

Despite the cockiness in Yuta's voice, he's so slow, so gentle, when he nudges his dick forward. Jaehyun feels himself start to open for it, and then Yuta pulls back, starting over, dipping forward again until Jaehyun feels himself get impatient and clench up. He knows they have to go slow, and he knows this won't just slip in the way the toy did, or even his finger, but he wants it. He wants Yuta balls deep, grinding on Jaehyun's prostate, losing his ability to speak over how tight Jaehyun is, how he feels.

"You like it?" Jaehyun asks when Yuta makes another pass at inching the tip in. "You like popping my cherry?"

"Yes. Shit. You're about to swallow me up, I'm not kidding." Yuta's voice is strained.

"You could have done it any time," Jaehyun breathes, squeezing the covers between his tense fingers as an outlet for the discomfort—not necessarily of being slowly impaled like this, but for the reality of his situation. How easy it is. How truly Yuta could have convinced him to do this with a _look_ , when Jaehyun was so busy deluding himself. "Could have fucked me the first night we met if you tried hard enough."

" _Jaehyun_ , fuck."

"I mean it, I've been— I've been yours since before I knew I wanted to be, oh _shit_ —" Jaehyun's body lets the tip of Yuta's cock slide inside and then some, a burning, twinging stretch that is nowhere near as bad as the pain Jaehyun was mentally bracing for.

Behind him, Yuta groans and curses and makes to pull out, like all the hard work isn't over, and Jaehyun tightens deliberately, winces, and says, "No, wait, just hold still for a second."

"Hand me a pillow," Yuta grits, and Jaehyun does, snagging one for himself too after passing the first back. His overheated cheek hits the cold, soft surface and Jaehyun relishes it, but then Yuta hauls him onto his knees for a second to jam the pillow under his hips.

When Jaehyun sinks back down, his dick is cradled in imitation-down softness, and Yuta accidentally sinks in another inch. Or at least that's what it feels like.

"You good?" Yuta asks, kissing Jaehyun's shoulder in apology and probably trying very hard to stay still.

"Yeah, green, just… getting used to it. Can you hit the spot at this angle?"

Yuta laughs. "Yeah, but I'd need to move to find it."

"You can move," Jaehyun assures him. "Just not… fast."

"I can't decide if this is more of you being perfect or just my dick not being that big," Yuta says, and Jaehyun's reply is cut off when he presses forward, slipping in yet more of his seemingly endless expanse of cock, but then rocking upward and making the most cautious of swivels with his hips.

Jaehyun hisses and buries his whole red face into the pillow. "Yeah, I think you got it," he says weakly when he comes up for air.

Yuta says nothing, just keeps pulling back to brush his cock right over the same spot. Most of the time, he nails it dead on, and while it's not the same intensity of the vibrating toy, it feels _good_. Sparks of sensation seem to bloom at the base of his cock and then go fizzing off to other nerves.

Before he knows it, Yuta's rocking against him at a steady pace, though he's very careful not to go too deep. Jaehyun lets his whole body be jostled with each thrust, and he bites the pillow when he hears the unmistakable slap of flesh hitting flesh. Yuta is fucking him, Yuta is _in him_ , has him grunting and _literally biting a pillow_ , and Jaehyun can't get enough. He wants more. He wants harder, faster, deeper. And he wants to see Yuta's face, see what being inside Jaehyun does to him.

"Can you hit it in missionary?" he asks.

"Probably, but if I look at your face when I'm fucking you, I'll come too fast."

Jaehyun laughs, then laughs again, shivering with something like happiness when he realizes Yuta is being dead serious. He hasn't let up from giving Jaehyun the most precise, spine-tingling thrusts.

"Then you come," Jaehyun says dismissively. "Turn me over, I wanna see you."

"Just a second," Yuta says, and comes to a halt, panting. Jaehyun feels him tug his cock free, so gentle, and the moment when Jaehyun's empty and fluttering around air feels incredibly weird, but it's nothing he can't handle.

Yuta isn't much help in flipping Jaehyun, all told; Jaehyun does most of the hard work himself, including moving the pillows. It's worth it when he sees Yuta's face, though, his red cheeks and open mouth and the look of pain when he hoists Jaehyun's thighs up so his legs aren't in the way and then puts the head of his dick back in.

Jaehyun sighs when Yuta keeps pushing in, trembling, and makes sure to tilt his head in a way that elongates his neck and shows off his mouth.

"Did I earn it?" Jaehyun asks, a hand hovering about his own cock, ready to jerk himself off if he has permission. He looks at Yuta through his eyelashes, and he smiles when Yuta chokes. "Have I been good enough?"

"I'm losing track of whose kink this is," Yuta pants. " _Yes_ , fuck, you did. You're so fucking _good_."

The sounds from Yuta nailing him in this position are nastier, somehow; wetter, and with more of Yuta colliding against his thighs and ass. Jaehyun groans and palms himself, wondering at how Yuta sees him. If it's everything he wanted.

"Fuck me," Jaehyun whispers. "Yuta, you earned it, fuck me."

He can't tell if he's saying it because it's what Yuta wants to hear or because it makes his cock spit precome to say it.

Yuta snarls and falls forward, bracing himself on the mattress as he works his hips harder and faster, until Jaehyun's noises aren't just specifically designed to drive him crazy. He fucks Jaehyun until he ends up going too deep after all, but he pulls back the second Jaehyun's body jerks and his whines gain an edge.

He really doesn't hit Jaehyun's prostate as much at this angle, but he doesn't need to. It's so hot and strange to look down and see his own body getting fucked. If Jaehyun committed to jerking his own dick, he could come in half a minute like this. But right now, he's focused on Yuta.

When Yuta starts to get erratic, sweat on his forehead, grimacing as Jaehyun's ass sucks in him and squeezes him brutally, Jaehyun decides to pull out his last trump card.

Yuta can't forget this. He isn't allowed to. He isn't allowed to come into Jaehyun's life, turn it upside down, give him everything he wants and some other things he had no clue about, and ever forget he did it. He can't forget he's the first man—the only man—to fuck Jaehyun. That Jaehyun will blot out the memory of those beds he dipped in and out of. No matter what happens, Yuta needs Jaehyun imprinted on his bones.

"Come," Jaehyun pants. "Come on my face."

Yuta pounds him once, twice, three times, deep and hard, and he's less cautious when he pulls out this time, but Jaehyun's ready for it. He sits up, though it's hard with his head spinning the way it is, and watches Yuta curse and tear off the condom. He pulls Yuta closer, makes him awkwardly knee up the bed and position above Jaehyun to shoot on his face.

"Oh fuck, oh shit," Yuta groans, as Jaehyun flickers out a tongue to taste the slippery, lube-y head just under his mouth. "You are so—"

Then he's gasping and coming, steadied by Jaehyun's patient hand that keeps him from fully falling forward. His chest hitches, he whimpers as he shoots jet after jet onto Jaehyun's mouth, his cheek, his chin, dangerously close to his eye, but mostly contained to where Jaehyun wants it. Yuta milks all of it out, even when he's clearly sensitive, committed to giving Jaehyun what he wants.

After, when Yuta stares down at him with stunned, heavy-lidded eyes, pulling back to shakily thumb at his lip, to examine his sticky cheek, Jaehyun smiles.

Come pools in his dimple, exactly how Jaehyun planned, and Yuta gives up on staying upright and falls on top of him. He pushes the breath out of Jaehyun's lungs but gives him a nice weight to rub his needy dick against as Yuta comes down from the high Jaehyun just gave him.

It's an almost giddy feeling to know he's the reason Yuta's shuddering against him, even if Jaehyun's worried about his skin if Yuta's come starts to dry on it. He strokes Yuta's back and wonders if he feels curious enough to poke his tongue out and lick some.

But the first thing Yuta does when he's not trembling against Jaehyun's chest is find the wet wipes and clean him up with them. Jaehyun tries not to seem visibly relieved, but Yuta's eyes crinkle while he stares down at him and tenderly, thoughtfully, mops his come from Jaehyun's face. When it's clear he's done, that he's cleaned everything there is to clean and is just running a fresh wipe across Jaehyun's skin for his own amusement, Jaehyun stops him.

"Have I been good enough to come?" he asks.

"You're never not good," Yuta says, unexpectedly serious, his eyes unmoving from Jaehyun's face. "You're _perfect_. And yeah, you can come, just let me do it."

He kisses his way down Jaehyun's body, and Jaehyun gets ready for another truly excellent blowjob, Yuta's praise ringing in his ears, but Yuta stops before he pops Jaehyun's cock into his mouth.

"Can't fucking wait to sit on this dick," he says, and swallows Jaehyun to the hilt.

Jaehyun isn't going to take long with Yuta giving him the best head of his life and with that image in his head. The suction is _incredible_. Jaehyun truly made the best mistake of his life by not owning up to being (allegedly) straight the night he met Yuta.

Yuta's beautiful with Jaehyun's cock in his mouth. He looks almost meditative as he sucks, cheeks hollowing, switching between swirling his tongue over the head of Jaehyun's dick and taking him deeper, letting him into his throat.

He manages to stammer out a warning so Yuta doesn't have to swallow, though Yuta looks regretful as he pulls off, milking Jaehyun's load out onto his chest instead. It's a good, long orgasm, and Jaehyun's impressed but not surprised by how much he manages to shoot.

It's weird to not be the one responsible for cleaning up after sex. He's sleepy enough to enjoy getting to just lie in a heap, though his ass is distractingly wet and achy. Jaehyun figures he'll need to get up to piss at some point between now and falling asleep and resolves to deal with it then. For now, he watches Yuta clean himself up and straighten the bed out (which includes tossing the pillow that was under Jaehyun's hips across the room).

Yuta finally crawls into bed and plasters himself to Jaehyun's back, sighing.

Jaehyun repositions Yuta's arm. He's also not used to being the little spoon, aside from a few times Lela clung to him like that in her sleep, but it's cozy. "I finally convinced Shotaro to come to Thanksgiving at the Suhs," Jaehyun announces with relief. "I'll pick him up after you on Thursday, since he's a ways from campus."

He's driving Yuta, Sicheng, and now Shotaro, while Johnny's got Mark, Ten, and Jaemin. Donghyuck's supposedly got other transportation; Jaehyun gets the feeling he just doesn't want to spend an hour crammed between Ten and Jaemin in the backseat of Johnny's sedan.

"Sicheng will make sure I'm not late," Yuta promises, burrowing closer, his front pressed to Jaehyun's back. He finds his phone and checks it, the same as Jaehyun's doing, letting endorphins and the release of a good fuck lull him nearer to sleep.

There's a tell-tale pressure in Jaehyun's bladder now, but he still doesn't get up. It's warm and cozy, and he wants more of this moment. When Yuta sleepily kisses his shoulder, Jaehyun smiles and feels a gratitude so intense it's like he might overflow with it. Gratitude Yuta gave him a shot and understands him, that he gave him this, the best and weirdest sex of his life and the easiest intimacy.

Even if this is for only a year, or two years, it's so good. Jaehyun will take every drop of it he can get. It's already changed him so much.

Yuta kisses him again and flips onto his back, though he leaves his hand on Jaehyun's hip. It's silent for a few minutes, and Jaehyun's about to regretfully pull the covers back and make the cold, lonely trip to piss, but then Yuta laughs. "'Fuck me, you earned it.'" He giggles again. "I think they made you in a lab."

"Okay, you don't get to hold the things I say during sex against me," Jaehyun says, wincing when he flips the sheets up and immediately feels cooler air against his sensitive, still-wet dick.

"Oh, I'm not. It was amazing. It was like you were trying to kill me. You almost did."

Jaehyun, on his way past Yuta after rounding the end of the bed, stops to look at him, hip canted, naked from head to toe, hopefully endearingly rumpled. "Good. I meant what I said. You earned it."

Yuta takes Jaehyun in appreciatively, and he accepts the brief kiss Jaehyun stoops to give him but predictably gets greedy for more, tugging on his hair and biting his already sore mouth.

"I'll be right back, I promise," Jaehyun says, disentangling himself from Yuta's grabby, wandering hands.

\--

Later, when Jaehyun's on the edge of sleep, Yuta's hand on his chest, he hears Yuta mumble something in Japanese. Whatever it is, Yuta sounds miserable, and Jaehyun gets the idea Yuta definitely thinks he's asleep and thought he was having a private moment.

It's harder for him to drop off with that in his head, the mystery of what Yuta could have said bugging him, but even more so, he can't let go of Yuta's tone. He shouldn't sound like that after the night they had. Jaehyun hates that he sounds like that _ever_ , but it's even more fucked up that Yuta's, what, sad? After fucking him for the first time.

It's also hard not to take it personally, but Jaehyun reasons he's still uncovering new sides to Yuta, digging into uncharted depths. It might not even be Jaehyun's fault. It probably isn't, if the way Yuta kissed and held him earlier is any indication.

Whatever the cause, Jaehyun swears Yuta won't regret him. For all the mistakes Jaehyun's made getting here, he's safe for Yuta. He won't go back. He'll do the heavy lifting he needs to so Yuta never sounds like that again, or if he does, Jaehyun will be sure he isn't responsible for it.

He's still missing things; Jaehyun's not kidding himself into thinking he's fixed a lifetime of disconnect and selfishness. If there's one thing he's learned, though, it's that he's his best around Yuta, and he can give that to Yuta as long as Yuta stays with him.

In the morning, Jaehyun's memory of Yuta's pained murmuring is so fuzzy and unclear, he could almost tell himself he dreamed it. He knows he hasn't, though, and sits up in bed to order groceries so he can make Yuta ochazuke again. It's one step on the road to proving Yuta didn't make a mistake by bending all his rules for Jaehyun.

Yuta's face when he comes into the kitchen and smells the steeping green tea is a start, Jaehyun thinks. Some of his doubts slip away as Yuta hooks an arm around Jaehyun's waist to watch him cook at the stove.

"You sleep okay?"

"Like a baby," Yuta hums, and pecks Jaehyun's shoulder over his shirt. "You're like an extra warm blanket, it's nice."

"I'm glad," Jaehyun says.

\--

Johnny's father answers the front door to let them in, looking frazzled by so much noise already filling his house; between the icy roads, the detour they had to take to get to Shotaro's, and the wine Yuta forgot at his apartment, they're a half hour behind schedule. It looks and sounds like Johnny, Mark, Ten, and Jaemin have been there for a while.

"Is that Jaehyun-ah?" he hears Mrs. Suh call from the kitchen. "Is my assistant here?"

"Coming!" Jaehyun shouts back, passing his coat over to Mr. Suh and taking his grocery bag stuffed full of odds and ends and wine from Yuta, who always goes so quiet around people's parents. The first and only time he met Mrs. Suh, he said maybe three sentences total. "Can you keep Shotaro and Sicheng company for a while?"

Yuta nods. "Let us know if you need any help."

"My wife will start shouting if she does," Mr. Suh does, closing the closet door with a gentle click. "Have you all watched the parade before? I have it on the TiVo."

Jaehyun walks away laughing to himself at the exaggerated expressions of polite interest on all three of their faces. Sicheng looked almost physically pained.

On the way to the kitchen, he passes Mark and Jaemin sitting like twin statues on the Suhs' couch, and Mark gives Jaehyun a wave. In front of them on the glass coffee table is a mountain of snacks that look untouched.

"Mark, eat some chips," Jaehyun instructs, and like Mark needed the permission, he springs forward and grabs a handful.

"Yo, I'm starving," he says. "Shotaro, come sit by me. You said you never watched the parade?"

In the kitchen, Mrs. Suh is cooking while Johnny is at the sink, probably hard at work washing vegetables. Ten is sitting at the tiny informal dining table at the back of the room, and he beams at Jaehyun when he arrives but goes back to staring intently at his phone. Mrs. Suh registers Jaehyun's arrival and gives him a nod, and he starts unloading his bounty.

"Sorry I'm late. I brought another five pounds of potatoes like you asked," he says, pulling out the bag to demonstrate. "I made a pumpkin pie last night too, just in case. I figured why not use the oven if it was free. Fair warning, though, it was my first time. Oh, and I brought wine." The thunks of the three bottles hitting the counter as he unloads them are loud enough to make Johnny turn around, halfway through scrubbing a carrot, and whistle.

"Open one," Mrs. Suh instructs. "Johnny, wash those potatoes next. Jaehyun, you're in charge of the stuffing. I usually make it the night before, but I was up late making dessert."

"On it."

Jaehyun's never helped prep a Thanksgiving meal himself, and certainly at home he watched their cook or a whole team of caterers prepare any holiday meals, but he has an idea of the scope. There's at least ten mouths to feed, and the kitchen isn't big enough for everyone to pitch in--plus Jaehyun wouldn't trust a single one of his friends around Mrs. Suh's cookware. Mark can't even cook eggs.

Jaehyun finds three wine glasses and pours them all a generous helping, gulps half his, and gets to work.

\--

Around an hour and a half in, when Jaehyun's got the stuffing ready to go into the oven the second the turkey's out to rest and is snapping the ends off a seemingly endless pile of French green beans, there's a roar of excitement, or some kind of chaos, from the living room.

"Is there a game on today?" Ten asks, having inched his way closer to partake of the wine and been put to work washing produce. Johnny disappeared to help entertain guests, and it's a good thing he did, or Jaehyun would bet everyone would still be sitting in silence, staring at the TV, too polite and intimidated by quiet Mr. Suh to make conversation.

"Yes," Jaehyun and Mrs. Suh say in tandem.

That's not what caused the cacophony, though, as Jaemin skids into the kitchen on his borrowed house shoes, wide-eyed, and gapes at them for a second. Mrs. Suh is so unconcerned she hasn't lifted her head from working all four burners, but Ten and Jaehyun are paying attention.

"Donghyuck brought _Taeil_ ," he hisses.

Ten gasps and drops a potato into the sink, barely remembering to shut off the water before he sprints out of the kitchen.

There's no need for the rush, though. The house's layout means Jaehyun only has to turn toward the island and look out over the steps to the open living room, and he's got a prime view of Donghyuck and Taeil. Donghyuck is holding Taeil's elbow like he's daring people to try to separate them, and Taeil is bowing to everyone compulsively, terror so obvious Jaehyun can see it from here.

"Donghyuck," Jaehyun calls. "Come help with the potatoes."

Taeil looks even more terrified at the prospect of being left to fend for himself, but after a moment of letting him stew in panic, Jaehyun begrudgingly offers him an out.

"Bring Taeil," he adds. "Introduce him to Mrs. Suh."

Ten follows them in, and Jaehyun sees literally every single person but Mr. Suh, including Shotaro (who Sicheng was whispering to, probably to fill him in), turn in their seats to stare into the kitchen.

"Hello," Taeil says in Korean to Mrs. Suh, bowing. "Thank you so much for having me. I'm Moon Taeil. I brought apple cider."

Ten skulks into the kitchen, tugging Donghyuck's ear as he goes, and reclaims his position at the sink.

"We're happy to have you, Taeil. Any friend of Donghyuck's is welcome in my home." The kindness in her tone, when she's been restricting herself to curt instructions and the occasional moment of leaning against the fridge with a freshly topped-up glass of wine in her hand, tells Jaehyun she has a good idea of who Taeil is.

"Are you any good at cooking?" Jaehyun asks.

"Oh, no, I'm pretty bad," Taeil says, flinching when Donghyuck adjusts his collar with practiced casualness.

Jaehyun smiles. Donghyuck won't look at him, which Jaehyun gets, since it probably took the bulk of his bravery to decide to make an appearance with Taeil in the first place.

"You can give Ten a break and wash the rest of the potatoes," he says. "Ten, go see if anyone needs a drink?"

"Yes, okay, you're no fun," Ten sighs, leaving the vegetable scrubber on the counter and wiping his wet hands on a towel. "Taeil, it's nice to meet you for real. Have some wine, it's good."

"You too," Taeil says to empty air when Ten's already moved on.

In the living room, Jaemin elbows Sicheng and offers Jaehyun a beatific smile when he notices he's being watched. Jaehyun makes a subtle turn-around gesture with his finger, and Jaemin sighs and obeys, and Sicheng and Shotaro and Mark join him one by one in looking at the TV screen instead of Taeil.

Eventually, the novelty wears off, and Donghyuck is sauteing green beans and Jaehyun is boiling a stock pot's worth of cubed potatoes. Mark came to grab Taeil and convince him to play one of the board games Johnny brought, and Taeil, after one wide-eyed look at Donghyuck, let himself be convinced.

Since it's just them in the kitchen, Jaehyun quietly says, "I'm happy for you, dude."

Donghyuck snorts and adds more butter to the pan. "Don't get excited, we're not dating. I just felt sorry for him." He's kept his voice as quiet as Jaehyun's, though, in case it carries and Taeil might overhear.

Jaehyun considers this and nods. "For what it's worth, you're cute together," he risks, and lifts a bottle of wine when Donghyuck whips around to glare at him. "I don't think you'd bring just anyone around us," he explains.

Donghyuck sets his jaw but doesn't comment. The smells of garlic and butter and salt are heady, even over the smell of roasting turkey. They don't have too much longer now; Jaehyun has to mash the potatoes and take the turkey out, and then things will really start moving.

"I have no idea what I'm doing," Donghyuck admits, after a few gulps of the wine Jaehyun poured him.

Jaehyun laughs. "I don't either, dude. It's kind of refreshing."

As if on cue, Yuta wanders into the kitchen and refills his glass of water from the dispenser on the front of the fridge. He smiles when he sees Jaehyun's been trussed up in an apron that says _Kiss the Cook_ and Jaehyun is reasonably sure belongs to Mr. Suh.

"You look so cute," Yuta says, and puts his hand at the small of Jaehyun's back as he leans over the stove to survey everything. Donghyuck raises an eyebrow, and Jaehyun shrugs and hooks a hand on Yuta's hip for kicks.

"Uhhhhh," Mark says, evidently on Yuta's heels, also holding an empty cup. "This is--" Then he shakes his head and blinks. "Yo, Jaehyun, have you been cooking this entire time?"

"Mark, sweetheart, out of my kitchen before you cause a traffic jam," Mrs. Suh says, patting Mark's shoulder as she tries to squeeze inside. The kitchen, especially near the stove and fridge, isn't built for this many people at once.

Yuta gives Jaehyun's cheek a smacking kiss. "You should take a break, little peach."

Jaehyun blushes immediately, hoping the heat from all four burners and the fact that he's wearing a sweater will be enough for people not to question it. He ducks his head and forks a potato.

"I've got to start mashing these," he protests, throat tight, ears on fire. Yuta kissing him was fine, but the _little peach_ threw him bodily back to what Yuta said in bed, and he'd bet the contents of his wallet that Yuta meant for Jaehyun to blush.

Great, he's got a pet name, and it's going to give him a Pavlovian boner every time Yuta uses it.

"Donghyuck and I can do it," Mrs. Suh says. "Sit down for a few minutes. You can come back and help set up the tables."

"Sure," Jaehyun agrees reluctantly. He's the most useful where he is, and he doesn't _want_ to play board games or watch American football. He wants to help cook.

"Stop sulking," Yuta chides him. "Come help me beat Mark and Johnny at _Codenames_."

Jaehyun perks up at that.

\--

Jaehyun realizes he's actually pretty tipsy when it comes time to finish setting up, most of the household's tables pushed together to make a Frankentable big enough for everyone to sit at. He dropped a salad bowl and chipped it, apologized so profusely Mrs. Suh laughed at him and ruffled his hair, and had to sit down and think hard about how to set a table. He's known every variation of a table setting, which fork and spoon to use, since he was _five_. He can all but hear his mother's scolding.

But finally it's time to eat, and Jaehyun finds himself slumped, dazed with wine and sugar, as close to Yuta's chair as he can get in separate chairs, staring at the bounty of food in front of him--most of it stuff he had a hand in preparing. There's turkey, stuffing, gravy, green beans, cranberry sauce, candied sweet potato, a salad of radish and cucumber in vinegar, rolls Mrs. Suh almost forgot about, and kimchi.

"This looks so good, you guys," Mark says, after Mr. Suh led everyone in grace and Jaemin had to poke Shotaro to let him know he could open his eyes and lift his head. "I haven't had a real Thanksgiving since I lived in Canada."

"Canadians have it at a different time, don't they?" Jaemin asks.

"Yeah, October," Mark acknowledges, heaping potatoes onto his plate. "But, like, it's the same sort of food. Oh man, my mom does this honey ham that's just like…" He shakes his head, then realizes he may have accidentally denigrated the turkey Mrs. Suh made and goes panic-eyed.

Luckily, Mrs. Suh is magnanimous now that the work is over, and she's probably luxuriating in the fact that she won't be in charge of cleaning up. "I'll make a honey ham next year. Sometimes we do a prime rib, but I skipped it this year for Tennie."

Ten beams at her, carefully ladling gravy onto his plate.

"No, you don't need to eat the cranberry if you don't want to," Donghyuck explains to Shotaro, who looks embarrassed at having his whispered question answered so the whole table can hear. "It's optional. The gravy is too."

"Gravy is _not_ optional," Johnny protests, his arm around the back of Mark's chair, but he grins in Shotaro's direction to let him know he's kidding. "It's really good, though. My mom's a good cook."

"Jaehyun's a good cook," she demurs.

"Donghyuck's a good cook," Jaehyun says.

"It's true, I am," Donghyuck says, and everyone laughs. Taeil smiles and takes a hesitant bite of turkey and potatoes.

"This year," Mr. Suh says in an uncharacteristically loud voice, startling Jaemin to the point of dropping his fork, "I am thankful for my health and my family."

In the lull after he speaks, Johnny picks up the torch. Jaehyun's never experienced this, but he's seen enough movies to know how it works, and he rehearsed his speech ahead of time in case it came up. "Thanks, Dad. Uh, I'm thankful for… new opportunities. I'm thankful for my folks, for being happy and healthy, for my friends here with me, and for Mark. Yeah."

It goes down the table like that, awkward and charming and cheesy. Shotaro freezes like a deer in headlights when it's his turn, and his nervous smile when he says he's thankful for new friends has Jaemin cooing like someone's grandmother and pinching his cheek.

When it gets to Yuta, he says he's thankful for everyone here, and for persistence, and Jaehyun squeezes his thigh under the table.

When it's Jaehyun's turn, the wine he's been steadily consuming all afternoon and the surreality of this moment, an American Thanksgiving with Yuta by his side, makes it hard to remember what he prepared. He tries anyway.

"I'm thankful you all have given me a seat at this table, and that you've let me, uh, know myself, and been patient with me while I try and figure it out."

Yuta squeezes his thigh too, and Mark gives Jaehyun an unreadable look, but then he smiles and sips his water as if Jaehyun said cheers.

\--

Everyone is in various states of groaning over how full they are, fighting off sluggishness from the wine and heavy food, or making curious noises about dessert. Jaehyun's on the big couch in the living room, with Yuta on one side and Ten on another, at least until Ten slips away and Jaemin takes his place.

Donghyuck and Taeil are sharing a loveseat, and Taeil keeps smiling at Donghyuck like he can't believe he's real. He schools his face into something less obvious when Donghyuck looks at him, but he's not fooling anybody.

"How're you doing?" Jaehyun asks Jaemin, sleepy, Yuta's bony shoulder pressed to his, Yuta's hand occasionally on his leg as he talks to Shotaro quietly in Japanese.

"I'm great," Jaemin says, with his usual smile. "I've never eaten this much in my life, but I'm going to make room for dessert if it kills me."

"I made pumpkin pie," Jaehyun says.

"I saw that," Jaemin says. "Is there whipped cream?"

"Of course there's whipped cream, what do you take me for?" Jaehyun jokes.

Despite the temperature in the living room being a little warm for him, and despite the noise of near-constant conversation from all the varied clusters of people, he feels like he could drift off into a nap like this. He might try it, if it weren't for the fact that Jaemin is trying to have a conversation with him.

He's glad he doesn't forget Jaemin's name anymore, even if the kid threw him for a loop by dying his cotton-candy hair almost blue-black. Jaemin's a mystery to him. When Donghyuck and Jaehyun met, they immediately started chatting in Korean, and within fifteen minutes, they had a pretty clear picture of each other's lives. Donghyuck is an older brother, he's from Jeju, he likes to sing, he's kind of a brat, and he's wickedly funny. Jaehyun has approached Jaemin at two or three get-togethers at this point, and not only did they strictly converse in English, but the one thing he managed to get out of Jaemin was that he used to skate. Everything else about him, Jaehyun's learned from Mark or Donghyuck.

He doesn't think Jaemin doesn't like him, since he's happy enough to sit close like this and hasn't given Jaehyun any signals to the contrary. Jaehyun just isn't sure how to read him: he's a smile, a joke, one person in a crowd. Jaehyun's good at reading people, for the most part, and the fact that he can't even guess when it comes to Jaemin bugs him.

Yuta leans in and whispers, "I wanna Juul. Come with me?"

"Let me know if you like the pie," Jaehyun says, unfolding his heavy limbs and standing with a groan, giving a hand to Yuta to help him up too even if he doesn't need it. "I'll make it again if you do."

Jaemin looks up at him with that same perfect smile, and Jaehyun resolves to dig deeper when he's not stuffed full of mashed potatoes and gravy.

He and Yuta slip outside as unobtrusively as they can. Through the afternoon, a few people have gone onto the back deck to take a phone call or just have a moment to themselves, but now that the sun's set, it's honestly too chilly to be out here long, which Jaehyun discovers when he steps onto the wooden porch.

"Holy _shit_ , it's so cold," he complains. "Hurry up and dab or whatever."

Yuta, already hitting his Juul, sputters a laugh and then coughs. Jaehyun should have realized Yuta was different when he found his vaping habit charming instead of repulsive. Hindsight.

"You can go inside if you—" Yuta's face freezes and then drops. "Ten?" he asks incredulously. "How long have you been out here?"

Ten emerges out of the darkness where the porch light's beams don't reach with a fuzzy blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He gives them a tremulous smile and then plunks onto his butt on the porch's top step. He gazes out at the more or less dead lawn and the pool that's been covered up for winter.

"Hi, babies," he says, sounding incredibly tiny.

Behind his back, Ten and Yuta exchange an alarmed glance.

Jaehyun impulsively sits on the porch step next to him, wincing at the bite of cold on his ass and thighs. "What's up with you?" he asks, pulling the sleeves of his sweater to cover his hands.

Ten sighs but leans against Jaehyun. Their breath makes plumes in the air, and Jaehyun rubs Ten's arm vigorously, worried about how long he's been out here. "Homesick, I guess."

They don't really celebrate Thanksgiving in Thailand, but Ten hasn't been home since early in the year, and his sister can never seem to coordinate her time off to his so they can be together. Jaehyun suspects that's getting to him, but at the same time, he wonders if there isn't more.

Ten and Jaemin sat next to each other for most of the day, and then Jaemin got Shotaro's attention, and then Ten ended up next to Jaehyun and Yuta. Everyone keeps coupling up around him: even Donghyuck brought Taeil. For all of Ten's independence, Jaehyun thinks he knows him better now. "You lonely, baby?" he asks, the pet name slipping out without thought.

Ten makes a face but nods and wraps his blanket-covered hands around Jaehyun's knee. "I'll get over it. And it's not you guys, or Johnny and Mark, or Donghyuck and his catfish. I'm so happy for you—like, _so_ happy, you know?" He turns to make eye contact with Jaehyun, who nods.

Yuta drops to the porch on Ten's other side, muffling a curse when his butt makes contact with the cold step. They squeeze Ten between them, hopefully a wall to stave off the cold.

"I don't even, like, have feelings for anybody," Ten laughs, the sound a little wet. "I think I had too much wine."

"You don't want what anyone else has anyway," Yuta points out. "That's not you."

"Johnny was hand-feeding Mark pumpkin pie when we passed him on the way out," Jaehyun confides, only feeling a little bit bad for making fun of their friends. "Imagine if someone tried to feed you."

As predicted, it makes Ten shudder. "Ew. In front of Mama Suh and everybody?"

"I don't think they realize how weird they are," Yuta says, leaning into the topic they've landed on to distract Ten from a mood that brought him to sit outside in the cold like this. "Keep that shit in the bedroom."

"Monogamy is so gross," Ten sighs. "I'm over it."

Jaehyun's starting to lose feeling in his fingers and nose, but for right now, he's content to sit with two of his favorite people, watching the moonlight glitter on Mrs. Suh's icy backyard. They'll have to go in soon, not least because Jaehyun doesn't want anyone to get frostbite, but he hopes he can give Ten a moment of quiet support.

Eventually, Ten clears his throat and rocks into Jaehyun's side. "Um, I want to DM Taemin," he confesses. "Can you help me say something in Korean?"

On Ten's other side, Yuta laughs so hard it echoes into the night like the call of a very strange bird.

"You want me to Cyrano de Bergerac a conversation with SHINee's Taemin," Jaehyun says slowly, while Ten whines and tries to look as cute as possible, even though his teeth are chattering now. "I mean, I'll do it, but I'm not taking responsibility if he falls in love with me."

"Rude! I don't know what that Cyrano reference means, but I just want to thank him for what he said. I'm not trying to like… I'm not going to _flirt_ with _Taemin_ ," Ten says, like that's so far out of the realm of possibility it might as well be on Mars, like his main mode of communication isn't flirting.

Yuta gives Jaehyun a look over Ten's head, and Jaehyun has to bite down on his lip hard so he doesn't laugh. "Uh-huh. I got you, don't worry about it."

"Thank you, baby. I knew I could count on you. You're such a good boy."

Ten stands up, the blanket fluttering around him, his mood suddenly lifted. He sticks a hand out for Jaehyun and Yuta each, and he hoists them up with what seems like almost no effort.

"I'm really glad you figured it out," he says, as Yuta starts pushing him toward the sliding-glass door, fed up with being outdoors. "You're so cute together."

"Thank you," Jaehyun says, a catch-all for that and Ten's declaration that he's a good boy. If he could feel anything in his cold-numb body, he thinks he'd feel warm with Ten's approval.

\--

"Okay, I wasn't going to say anything," Mark says, sotto voce, when Jaehyun is portioning out leftovers for people to take home and they're mostly alone in the kitchen. "But what's going on with you and Yuta?"

Jaehyun stills in the middle of snapping the lid onto a Tupperware container.

He didn't _mean_ to fail to tell everybody; he did plan on coming back to it at a later date and clarifying that they aren't just friends again. The idea of having to make a big speech and answer all sorts of questions about it, or even fielding everyone's well-intended congratulations, was a lot to grapple with. He put it off, and now it's biting him in the ass.

"Uh," Jaehyun says, glancing up to see Yuta chatting with Jaemin in the living room, so handsome in his sweater. Like he can feel Jaehyun's eyes on him, Yuta turns to look at him and smiles, wide and fond, his eyes turning to crescents. "I forgot to…"

"Hey, bro, I'm super not trying to be in your business, but I just wanted to say, like, everything's cool, you don't need to worry about—"

"No, no, you're good," Jaehyun reassures him. He drags in a breath and starts filling the next Tupperware. "It's just— We're dating. Yeah. He's my. He's my boyfriend."

Jaehyun didn't know what he expected, but Mark making a sobbing sort of noise and throwing himself at Jaehyun's side in a clumsy half-hug wasn't it. Jaehyun, despite how he feels a little shaky every time he has to say it out loud and worries it won't ever get easier, laughs and turns to let Mark hug him properly.

"What is it?" Donghyuck asks, popping into the kitchen with an empty bowl of what used to be Jaehyun's pumpkin pie and a pretty decent store-bought vanilla ice cream. "What did I miss?"

Mark slaps Jaehyun's back twice, extremely hard, and Jaehyun _oofs_ against his shoulder. "I'm so _proud of you_ , man," Mark wails.

"Oh," Johnny says, coming up beside Donghyuck with raised eyebrows. It's like Mark's noise was some sort of dog-whistle they all heard to come running. Johnny in particular can never resist the scent of somebody else's business. Truly, Jaehyun thinks with immeasurable fondness, if he wanted the secret to get out so he didn't have to announce it himself, he should have told Johnny, not Ten. "Did Jaehyun finally come clean about Yuta?"

"If by coming clean you mean that I… came out," Jaehyun says, as Mark finally releases him with the widest grin on his face, eyes sparkling. "Then yeah."

"Hold up, yo, did you know about this?" Mark demands.

"I did," Donghyuck declares, but gives Jaehyun the sweetest smile in his repertoire, made all the better because Jaehyun knows enough to guess what's fake and real now—and this one is. "Congrats, bro."

"Not _officially_ ," Johnny admits, drawing Mark to his side. "But yeah, they weren't exactly subtle."

"Dude, I had no fucking clue until today." Mark shakes his head and stares at Jaehyun like he's never seen him before. "This is amazing. Best Thanksgiving ever."

"Jaehyun's blackmailing me," Yuta says from out of veritable nowhere in a deadpan. "Help."

"Wait, for real?" Mark starts to ask, and Johnny barks with laughter and kisses his cheek.

Yuta proves the joke in the next second by crossing over to Jaehyun, and even though Jaehyun knows he's uneasy, can read it in how he holds himself, he puts an arm around him.

"No, Mark, I did not blackmail him into dating me," Jaehyun says, struggling to not laugh.

Yuta smiles, biting his lower lip, and though Jaehyun can feel him trembling with nervousness, he's still here, braving this uncharted territory with him.

"Okay, the big touching moment is over. Everyone who isn't helping me with the leftovers or isn't my boyfriend needs to get out of this kitchen," Jaehyun announces.

Predictably, everyone but Yuta grumbles and starts to shuffle off, though Mark turns around to give them a double thumbs-up on his way out.

"How many more do you have to do?" Yuta asks, letting go of Jaehyun and stepping back with obvious relief.

Jaehyun doesn't take it personally. They texted about planning to tell everyone, but Yuta had no idea how to bring it up and hates talking about himself unless it's part of a joke, so Jaehyun figured he'd be the one to do it. He had no idea it would be like this, though. He still feels a little shaky himself, like a snail suddenly yanked from its shell.

Everyone knows. Donghyuck or Johnny will imminently pass it along to the rest of the group in the living room, if they didn't already overhear it just now. Eventually, people on campus will realize Yuta and Jaehyun are dating for real. The rumor mill will churn all over again, and there's nothing he can do about it but live his life. He doesn't think any whisper of it will get back to Korea, but he's going to have to tell So-hyun himself that her suspicions were correct.

But that's all things to worry about on a different day. Right now, Jaehyun needs to pack up these leftovers, then say goodbye to the Suhs, ferry his carload of people to their respective homes, and make sure the heater is on at his place when he and Yuta go to bed tonight.

"You don't need to do anything but stand there and look pretty," Jaehyun says. "I just like being around you."

Yuta looks surprised, but he leans on the island to watch Jaehyun work, his eyes tracking every movement. Jaehyun lets Yuta's undivided attention fill him up. He feels like he'll never get enough of it sometimes. It will never get old that out of all of Yuta's options, with the world at his feet, he chose to take a chance on Jaehyun even knowing full well what a work in progress he is.

"You too," Yuta says. Then, softer, "You're my favorite," and Jaehyun's ears burn red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, sorry that was 32,000 words, but uh. They 1) wouldn't shut up and 2) kind of earned it. I hope everyone liked it!!!!!!! I hope everyone likes the epilogue when it goes up!!!!!! I'm verklempt. This is my longest solo project (by a pretty big amount), and coming (near) to the end of it is a wild feeling. 
> 
> Come bother me on Twitter [@sssneakiest](https://twitter.com/sssneakiest).


	7. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, at the official end of _round each other up_! I kind of can't believe it. I had the idea for a Jaehyun spinoff on a whim, because I'd introduced him in the series to be a static background character, and he was _definitely_ supposed to be straight. Then people started asking questions, and I stumbled on how I could get him out of his shell, and the solution ended up being Yuta. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who came with me on this journey. It ended up being so personal; I have almost nothing in common with Jaehyun on paper, but exploring his headspace (and getting to write a sort of… idealized? version of an MBA rich bro grappling with his identity, because let's not kid ourselves, Jaehyun is a damn unicorn in this fic) has been a deep dive into some themes I care a lot about. Found family! Identity! Self-esteem! Caregiving, even! 
> 
> A final thank you to Tay for her masterful betaing. <3 And some shout-outs to Mon, Anne, Mitch, and Signis for being such good pals and for cheering this fic on. <33

So-hyun looks so beautiful, unexpectedly nervous and red-cheeked even through her flawless makeup. She keeps staring at the ring on her finger and biting her lip to restrain a smile. If her ridiculously tall and endearingly awkward fiance isn't being dragged away from her side by well-wishers, she's got her arm looped in his and keeps looking up at him like she can't believe he's real.

Jaehyun has reconciled the fact he was kept in the dark for a _year_ with how Kyung-wan obviously can't believe his luck either. Jaehyun's spent a few hours with him, one on one, and has gotten the impression the list of things that can pull him out of a slouch and a nervous mumble are: So-hyun, the energy efficiency of any building he's in, and a really good egg sandwich.

He didn't know what he expected for her, but this gawky, quiet man stooping so So-hyun can hear him wasn't it. But that's So-hyun, never one to do what people expect. A few of the Christmas party attendees have made noises about her slowing down now that she's getting married, maybe starting a family, and Jaehyun watched her laugh on the edge of derision every single time.

Nothing's going to stop her from taking over as the head of Jung Enterprises. Not a husband, a potential family of her own, or ignorant shareholders who still think Jaehyun can be dusted off and propped up in his father's shoes.

He's fielded a few of those opinions himself, subtle and not, through his visit so far. He assumed they'd calm down on Christmas Eve, what with his sister's engagement taking center stage, but he's still been cornered at every turn even after the announcement. He can't eat dinner in peace; they came up to him and his mother, expressing their satisfaction that So-hyun is finally settling down, then probed to find out if Jaehyun has plans to step in and take over her duties.

Jaehyun gave up on eating and smiling, out of the habit of greeting guests like a revolving door, and disappeared into the kitchen for a breather. Once he's free, he makes sure he's out of the way of the catering staff and texts Yuta.

Yuta's going through his own excruciating holiday experience, though that has to do more with his sisters refusing to leave him alone after a year and a half of putting off visiting Japan.

 **Jaehyun:** How many glasses of wine have you had  
 **Yuta:** Excuse you I'm drinking sake  
 **Jaehyun: 👀**

Yuta sends a blurry selca of him in what looks like a coat closet with a bottle of sake from a brand Jaehyun is reasonably sure the Nakamotos secretly own. He looks cute, flushed and overwhelmed by his sisters demanding to know everything about his life in Chicago, fussing over his knee and his health and his grades. His brown hair is long enough to put up in a tiny ponytail now, but he's got it styled loose, brushing the collar of his cashmere sweater. One ear is sticking out of his curtain of hair.

 **Jaehyun:** Cute  
 **Jaehyun:** Is that your first or second bottle  
 **Yuta:** First!!!! I'm being responsible  
 **Jaehyun:** So am I

It's tempting to steal a bottle of something and hide in the coat check to avoid the people curious about Jaehyun, digging for the smallest hint of gossip on a night that's supposed to be about family and joy and _his sister's engagement_. But Jaehyun needs to be sharp, and he can drink all he wants tomorrow, once the presents are open.

The Jungs aren't big Christmas enthusiasts, but it's as good of an excuse as any to be together, to eat together, to offer up monuments to their status in the form of gifts. Jaehyun put effort into his purchases this year—the engraved watch for So-hyun is a particular favorite—but the highlight of the holiday is really that So-hyun and their father are forced to congregate in one place and can't go running off to handle work issues.

Kyung-wan was an unexpectedly good resource for finding Yuta's Christmas present. He knew the closest and best art supply stores, and he drafted enough by hand to recommend a set of markers. Yuta will doodle on anything put in front of him—cards, napkins, receipts—and Jaehyun borrowed his tablet and stumbled across a few digital sketches. He's shipped the supplies back to Chicago so Yuta can try new mediums, if he wants.

Jaehyun also signed them both up for the sushi-making class he was eyeing and declared it was Yuta's Christmas gift to him, but he has a feeling there will be a package waiting at the house for him when he gets home too. Yuta keeps buying clothes he thinks Jaehyun looks good in. He's not wrong in his choices; it's just funny. Yuta and his sister seem to be supplying half of Jaehyun's wardrobe these days, though Yuta seems primarily motivated by peeling Jaehyun out of his selections.

"There you are," his mother says, sounding relieved and impatient at once. "We're starting the charity auction."

"I'll be right there," he promises. She looks out of place in her Chanel dress and jacket, surrounded by the gleaming metal kitchen surfaces, but Jaehyun supposes he looks just as incongruous in his suit. "I was wishing some friends a Merry Christmas."

Jaehyun's excuse doesn't measure up, and the speaking look she gives him makes that clear. She nods, though, and walks out, her already perfect posture straightening even more as she pushes through the kitchen doors to the dining room.

Staff circle with endless trays of champagne, the better to loosen people's grip on their wallets for his mother's latest tax-deductible cause, and Jaehyun grabs a flute. He drains the whole thing, then snaps a shot of him holding it aloft like an accomplishment.

 **Jaehyun:** Wish me luck, going out there again  
 **Yuta:** You don't need luck with that face  
 **Yuta:** Makiko found me, she's taking my sake away  
 **Yuta:** Miss you  
 **Jaehyun:** Miss you too

That's as bolstered as Jaehyun is going to get, between the rush of fizzy champagne and Yuta's confidence in him. Jaehyun straightens, checks that his jacket button is fastened, and pushes through the swinging kitchen doors with a placid smile.

\--

Yuta gets drunker, somehow, even with the sake apprehended, and Jaehyun's pocket buzzes with sporadic updates. His sisters appear in some of the pictures he sends, one with his same twinkling eyes and the other with his mouth and cheekbones. Then someone must have grabbed Yuta's phone to take a video of him… standing on a leather armchair and belting a song Jaehyun can't discern with his volume muted, while Yuta's sisters cheer him on and his clearly harassed mother tries to coax him down.

Jaehyun has a moment of worry that maybe whoever filmed it saw their texts, but he has to scroll up quite a ways for anything too overt. Yuta told him pieces of the story of being caught in a compromising position with a boy at his private school (specifically, with said boy's dick in his mouth), and it was his sisters who helped him handle it so his father didn't find out. There's teenage experimentation, though, and then there's being confronted with the fact that Yuta is dating a man in Chicago.

Jaehyun's mother gives him a subtle but insistent nudge the third time he pulls his phone out in the middle of the auction, and Jaehyun resigns himself to looking all of this over later, when he's back at his parents', alone in his room.

\--

So-hyun catches Jaehyun hiding in the kitchens again, but this time he's got the ostensible excuse of overseeing cleanup. In reality, he's leaning against a wall, glancing up occasionally to confirm the staff are running like a well-oiled machine. There's some leftover dessert, so Jaehyun stole a slice of cake and has been digging a spoon into that for the last few minutes, in between updates from Yuta.

"Mom said you'd be in here," she says, and perks up when she sees there's still dessert on the counter. She selects her own piece and stands next to Jaehyun to eat it, also slumping to lean against the wall. So-hyun hums around the spoon after her first bite. "I wonder if I could get this blended into a milkshake."

"Probably. You could take some home for the chef to experiment with."

"She has enough to do," So-hyun says, and wipes a crumb from the corner of her mouth, her lipstick somehow impeccable after a night of food, toasts, and endless conversation. "I sent Kyung-wan home, but he'll come over after breakfast for presents."

"Aren't you going with him?"

"And miss out on time with my little bro? No, I'll stay over. I have a bag in the car."

Jaehyun's touched So-hyun is forgoing a night of what he can assume would otherwise be celebratory engagement sex to eke out time with him. He smiles at her and nudges their shoulders together. "I missed you. I'm happy to see you so happy."

"Don't get sappy on me now," she scoffs, but she looks pleased. "Besides, I saw you texting the whole night, bored out of your mind. I'm surprised Mom didn't confiscate your phone again."

Jaehyun did, as a mildly rebellious teenager, attempt to break his mother's rules and text under the table at a few events. He ended up grounded _and_ reliant on his laptop for communication. He thinks he got away with a look and a nudge this time not because he's an adult but because his mother doesn't want to risk Jaehyun going a year without visiting again.

"I wasn't bored," he protests. "At least not when it was about you."

So-hyun laughs and eats more cake. "Please," she says, hand over her mouth as she chews and swallows. " _I_ was bored, and it was my announcement."

"The announcement was the opposite of boring. Your fiance knocked over two goblets of water and nearly shorted out the mic." So-hyun groans remembering, but it's fond. "And I, uh, I was texting Yuta."

He thought long and hard on the flight of how he might tell her, what words he could use to communicate the enormity of the shift in his life, in his happiness, but he never needs to make a production out of things with his sister. Yuta climbed the limited ranks of people who understand Jaehyun, but So-hyun practically raised him; she'll likely always be first. She'll always know him best.

Her eyebrows go up, and her smile turns from teasing to soft. "I'm glad he's back in your life."

"I'm glad he gave me another shot. He—he's pretty important to me."

"I know." So-hyun reaches to set her half-eaten cake down on the counter. The kitchen is still bustling with activity; the staff are so determined to finish their work and go home to their families that nothing fazes them, certainly not two siblings eating cake and talking in a corner. "You should invite him to visit sometime. I want to meet this boy my brother is so crazy about."

Jaehyun, despite the relief of So-hyun truly understanding and accepting him, can't help glancing behind him to make sure no one is there, that it's still just the staff. His pulse kicked up and doesn't even calm when he determines they weren't overheard. "I want you to meet him too."

It's difficult to avoid the truth of how far out of reach that actually is. Jaehyun's parents don't take too much of an interest in his life in Chicago, so long as he keeps himself out of trouble, because that might accidentally imply they approve of him attending UChicago, but they know how rarely he makes close friends. Showing up with one would be a whole new experience; showing up with a _Nakamoto_ would be even stranger. Jaehyun's not even sure how he would act around Yuta in that context. He's half convinced he would somehow give the game away, if his mother saw them together.

So-hyun smiles again, tempered with something less happy, like she's reading his mind. "Don't worry so much," she chides. "Have fun with your life so your big sister can live vicariously, okay?"

"Okay," he says, chuckling, and accepting the quick cheek pinch she delivers on her way out of the kitchen.

Jaehyun sets down his cake plate too, but he's not quite ready to leave. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and sees Yuta has escaped from his family's Christmas gathering, and that he smuggled another half-full bottle of sake out with him.

 **Jaehyun:** You're going to be so hungover  
 **Yuta:** Bah I drinking water I'm fine!!!  
 **Yuta:** How are you? Is it almost over?  
 **Jaehyun:** Leaving soon, yeah  
 **Jaehyun:** My sister wants to meet you

He doesn't know what makes him text that, except for the warm, nervous feeling in his chest that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Even if she doesn't know the specifics, So-hyun knows that Yuta and Jaehyun are more than friends; she doesn't care, and she treats Jaehyun the same. She wants to _meet_ Yuta, knowing who Yuta is to him. What seemed impossible a few moments ago is starting to solidify in his head—maybe he could invite the whole Chicago crew to Seoul this summer. Maybe his parents don't even have to know.

Maybe someday he'll get to go to Osaka.

Yuta takes so long to reply that some of the wind goes out of Jaehyun's sails. He's about to put his phone away and make his way to the car, cursing his champagne-loosened fingers, when Yuta responds.

 **Yuta:** I wantto meet her too  
 **Yuta:** Does she know  
 **Jaehyun:** Yeah  
 **Yuta:** Fuck baby  
 **Yuta:** Are you OK  
 **Jaehyun:** I'm fine  
 **Jaehyun:** Are you okay with it?  
 **Yuta:** I am perfect  
 **Yuta:** Wow  
 **Yuta:** How soon until you alone

Jaehyun laughs softly to himself at how eager and how drunk Yuta is.

 **Jaehyun:** Half an hour?  
 **Yuta:** 😩 I might pass out before then sorry  
 **Jaehyun:** It's fine, I don't care. I'm surprised you're still capable of texting  
 **Yuta:** Shut up I'm fINE  
 **Jaehyun:** Very convincing  
 **Yuta:** 😝  
 **Yuta:** Oh you can cum tonight if you want  
 **Yuta:** Since I'm to drunk to help you

Jaehyun joked he wouldn't be able to get off in Korea, left to fend for himself without Yuta's dick or Yuta's hands, or even the growing collection of toys Yuta's also been obsessed with buying him. Yuta got a wild look in his eye before asking Jaehyun if he'll promise to come only if he has Yuta's permission.

It's not that different from the vicious edging sessions Yuta makes him endure, only this time it's not Yuta's touch, just Yuta's voice or his cold instruction via text. Because Yuta is Yuta, Jaehyun's hasn't gotten off since the morning he boarded the plane to Seoul, nearly five days ago.

 **Jaehyun:** Thanks but would you mind if I saved it until I'm home again?  
 **Jaehyun:** It isn't the same if it's not with you  
 **Yuta:** Fuck  
 **Yuta:** Yeah  
 **Yuta:** You're so good to me  
 **Yuta:** Sometimes I think I made you in my mind

Jaehyun is _not_ going to get a hard-on in public. He forces himself to take a deep breath in and focuses on the latter half of Yuta's texts, not how much it does it for him that he's holding out, saving everything up for Yuta, making Yuta so happy by waiting for him.

Like Jaehyun said during the early negotiation of their relationship, they don't need that _good boy_ kinky shit to have a good time. Sometimes that's too intense when Jaehyun's sleepy or low-energy and just wants to jerk Yuta off and go to bed; sometimes Yuta wants to get drilled on his side with Jaehyun holding him still, careful of his knee, whispering how tight and hot he is on Jaehyun's cock, showing off his stamina, how good he can make Yuta feel. Most the time, sex is easy, impulsive, quick and hot, no need for the color system or anything fancy.

And then on some nights Yuta puts a gag in Jaehyun's mouth so he doesn't wake the whole house.

 **Jaehyun:** I know the feeling  
 **Jaehyun:** Talk to you in the morning  
 **Jaehyun:** Get good sleep

\--

So-hyun wakes Jaehyun up on Christmas morning, shaking his shoulder, wearing fuzzy pajamas and a Santa hat.

" _Finally_ ," she sighs, as Jaehyun squints and pats the covers trying to find his phone, until she hands it to him.

"Finally? It's six-thirty in the morning," he rasps.

"I want hot chocolate. Come downstairs and make me some."

"It's _six-thirty_ ," he repeats, as So-hyun disappears from his room but leaves his door wide open as a further suggestion for him to move his ass. He can't sleep with an open door, and six-thirty is close enough to his usual waking time that he's not even groggy, but still.

They didn't even wake up this early for Christmas as kids. He doesn't know what's gotten into So-hyun—though if he had to guess, it has something to do with being in love and excited to spend her first Christmas with her fiance as part of the family.

Jaehyun unlocks his phone as he climbs out of his warm, cozy bed. His room is still decorated the way it was in high school, more or less, with some of his trophies lining the bookshelves alongside the books he liked back then. It's strange to be in it again, and he figures he'll tell his mother to just remake it into yet another guest bedroom. It doesn't matter to him where he sleeps at his parents' house. He has his own bed to return to in Chicago, at least for the foreseeable future.

In his notifications are a ton of texts, and a missed video call from Donghyuck at midnight, probably up to yet more partying in Jeju.

Ten sent a picture of him and his sister, sitting on their family's back patio in Thailand, surrounded by adorable tiny dogs, and he's holding a cocktail, grinning so widely it makes Jaehyun smile reflexively.

 **Ten:** Merry Xmas bro!  
 **Ten:** I'm so glad you moved in with us  
 **Ten:** I love you so much!!!!!!! I'm so proud of you baby  
 **Ten:** Ignore me I'm drunk LOL

Jaehyun steps into his slippers and heads downstairs, remembering the look on Ten's face when he surprised him with a roundtrip ticket to Thailand as an early Christmas present—and a promise that Ten's sister is flying home from London too.

Ten's family are Buddhists and don't even really celebrate Christmas, but Ten having to go through the coldest, darkest months of the year without seeing his family while so many people went home was too much to be born. As with most problems, Jaehyun merely had to throw money at it to make it go away. So Ten's at home, getting hugs and copious amounts of food from his family, no doubt regaling them with tales of his budding internet fame—and his shiny new friendship with Taemin. Ten's trying out his Duolingo Korean on Jaehyun and still accepting his help when Taemin's limited English fails him. They don't text a lot, but Taemin invited him out to Korea, which Ten refuses to admit is a big deal.

Jaehyun managed to convince Ten to ask Taemin for an autograph to give to Donghyuck, and it turns out Taemin's not content with doling out headshots; that kid is going to get an entire FaceTime session with his favorite idol. Jaehyun's looking forward to the meltdown it's going to cause.

It's been a hell of a year.

 **Jaehyun:** I love you too bro  
 **Jaehyun:** I'm not drunk so you know I mean it

Johnny and Mark are spending Christmas apart, since Mark flew back to Canada to be with his family. To distract himself, Johnny had a house party for all the stragglers who either don't celebrate or aren't flying home, and he sent a painfully cute picture of Shotaro wearing a reindeer antlers, decorating store-bought Christmas cookies, Jaemin eating frosting from the tube behind him.

 **Johnny:** Merry merry, dude

"Do we have marshmallows? Do we _need_ marshmallows?" So-hyun asks as Jaehyun finishes sending off his best wishes to everyone who texted him.

"Check the cabinet third left from the fridge," Jaehyun says absently, clicking open his log with Yuta despite the fact that he knows Yuta is still sleeping off the sake.

He tries to think of what to say, what can summarize how happy he is, how much he misses Yuta, how proud of him he is for going home. He's pretty sure he's not going to be able to sum all that up, but he starts typing anyway.

"Are you texting him again?"

Startled, Jaehyun yanks his arm, and the phone, down, pressing it against his thigh to conceal the screen.

So-hyun looks and sounds delighted, though, and comes over to him—and that's when he notices the second Santa hat in her hands.

"No, no, let me put it on, you'll look so cute!"

"You don't even _like_ Christmas," he accuses, but he stands still and leans over a bit so she can put the hat on his head and tug it into place.

"I like seeing you look ridiculous, and I like presents," So-hyung corrects him. He's pretty sure she just pulled the hat to be even more lopsided. "Oh! You should take a picture of us for Yuta."

Jaehyun blinks but obediently opens the camera app as she positions herself next to him without waiting for an answer. They both angle to catch the best light, identical smiles and identical dimples appearing on their faces, both topped off with Santa hats, and it makes him laugh. So-hyun tries a few different poses while he does, and Jaehyun laughs even harder as she keeps giving a pristine selca face, until finally he manages to get himself together to match her again.

Before he realizes what's happening, she's grabbed his phone and is selecting which picture to send. Jaehyun freezes and tries not to panic. She can clearly see what he was writing, what he was about to send. She only needs to scroll up a _little_ to see him promise Yuta he won't get off until he's home.

But So-hyun isn't a snoop; she picks a shot of Jaehyun laughing so much he looks unhinged while she looks perfect, even without makeup. And underneath it, unambiguously, is the message that went through with the picture: _Merry Christmas, baby. Can't believe how lucky I got this year._

"He'll love it," she says, passing him the phone back, which cues Jaehyun's heart to stop trying to thunder out of his chest. "Now, where's my hot chocolate?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know how to feel!!!! Everything happens so much!
> 
> So, a few things. One, thank you so much to every reader who made it this far, and to all the people who commented/Tweeted/basically communicated their enjoyment of this monster to me. It really helped during a weird time in a very bad year.
> 
> And, uh, I'm not making any promises because I _swore_ I wasn't going to do it, nope, but there might. MIGHT. Be a sequel to REOU coming someday. I just need to wrap my head around it and determine whether it's feasible, because, uh, it's, for starters, set in like. 2029? 2030? SOMETHING IN THAT RANGE. I also really love this fic as-is and don't want to let people down with a sequel that doesn't live up to their best imaginings, so I have to weigh my idea against that too. BUT. We'll see. (It's also part of why the epilogue is just set… a month after the bulk of the fic; all the Future Stuff is top secret since it's potential sequel material.)
> 
> Finally, here's the playlist! ([Listen to it on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3A3SvjtNcuzxVI3eYF5niu?si=-AHhJE68QMiyxlPrz0LGGQ) if you want!)
> 
> Suho - O2  
> Cold War Kids - So Tied Up  
> Lauv - I Like Me Better  
> Gotye - Hearts a Mess  
> Frank Ocean - Siegfried  
> BROCKHAMPTON - Summer  
> The Aces - New Emotion  
> INXS - By My Side  
> Harry Styles - Falling  
> Dua Lipa - New Rules  
> Shota Shimizu - Sorry  
> Tove Lo - Equally Lost (featuring Doja Cat)  
> Taylor Swift - willow  
> ONE OK Rock - Stand Out Fit In  
> Taemin - Heaven  
> Sabrina Claudio - Belong to You  
> Junggigo - warm  
> Carly Rae Jepson - This Is What They Say  
> SURL - Snow (눈) 
> 
> Lastly, you can find me on Twitter [@sssneakiest](https://twitter.com/sssneakiest)!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> Come bug me on twitter [@sssneakiest](https://twitter.com/sssneakiest)!


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